A to Z Challenge: E is for Expectations #singlenessmyth#5

My A to Z Challenge is a blog about singleness.  Some myths, some thoughts, some of the things that I have been learning as a 30 something year old single American woman, in a culture that sees this as something that is less than.....  join me on this journey!

E is for Expectations.  Myth #5:  You will find the one, if you just pray hard enough, and stop looking. 




This is my LEAST favorite phrase maybe in the history of things that have been said to me.  Although another one that comes to mind is "you know you have to settle down and get married sometime."  That one was said to me right before I left the country for Thailand. 


These phrases make it seem like there is nothing else to achieve in life besides marriage.  They also make it seem like it is the single person's fault if they aren't finding "the one."  You aren't praying hard enough, or you are looking too hard.  Do you see how that could make someone feel like it is their fault that they are still single?  It could totally turn a person's view of God and the way He works completely upside down. 


We have to stop saying these things to people.  We have to stop because it is giving people a since of false hope, and it is putting all of our value in being married, and that's just not where our value should be. 


Not everyone will get married.  Not everyone will have kids, and that is okay.  There is no law in this world or even in the Bible that says every single person must get married, and have kids.  It's not there, trust me I've looked.  We aren't guaranteed to find a match.  In many cases, it would probably be worse if we did, because it would not be a good match.  It would be someone that we had just settled for.  Is that what you want of your single friends and relatives?  For them to settle for something less than? 


Not to long ago I was talking to someone about this, and I went through my whole speech, and talked about how I wasn't going to wait around.  I was going to live my life, pursue going back overseas and not put my worth and value in finding "the one."  Do you know what happened next.... they said... "yes and you never know, you just might find him in the next country you go to."  Ugh.  Do you see how this goes against everything that I am talking about.  That's not the point.  The point is not to hop from one country to the next trying to find my "husband."  Because what if I never get married?  What if that is my journey?  Then I have wasted a lot of time looking for someone that doesn't exist.  Instead of putting that time and energy into loving others. 


I have to change my expectations.  We as a culture have to change our expectations. We have to stop trying to fix everything.  We have to start looking at people and seeing them.  Seeing their stories, as individual journeys.  Not comparing them to our own.  Realizing that singleness or marriage, or co-habituating... each of those have positives and negatives.  But please, for the sake of your single friends... stop putting the expectation on them that they just need to pray harder or stop looking.  Once you stop putting expectations on people, you find that they stop putting expectations on you, too. 

A to Z Challenge: D is for Diapers, Diapers, Diapers! #singlenessmyth#4

My A to Z Challenge is a blog about singleness.  Some myths, some thoughts, some of the things that I have been learning as a 30 something year old single American woman, in a culture that sees this as something that is less than.....  join me on this journey!

D is for Diapers, Diapers, Diapers!  Myth #4:  Single people don't have as much stress or worry, because they don't have any kids.  They are free to do whatever they want, whenever they want. 


When I was living in Thailand, for a little while I was helping out a mom every Saturday for a few hours.  It was a way for me to see how she did life with a husband and for kids, and honestly I feel like it was a way for her to get free help.  It taught me a lot though.  It taught me a lot about being a mom, but it also taught me a lot about how single people should be treated.  I never once thought I was less than around this woman.  She never once made me feel like because I wasn't raising 4 girls I wasn't living life.  But I don't always feel that way. 


I think that sometimes we can't help but look at other people's situations and think that we have it way worse than they do, right?  So when we comment about someone else's life being more exciting, or when we say to our single friend, well just be thankful that you aren't at home changing dirty diapers... well that can kind of sting sometimes to the single person that would love to be doing just that.


I'm not aiming for a pity party.  I am just trying to help people see the way that single people, especially single 30 and 40 year olds without kids, never been married are treated at times.  Even by their closest friends. 


I don't have kids, so I am not going to fit in every circle.  I get that.  But what I don't get is why my friendships now have to revolve around my friend's kids.  Yes, I want to get to know their kids.  I want to love on them, and they are a part of my community.  Sometimes though it is okay to make time for your single friends outside of asking them to babysit, or expecting them to be the entertainment while you do what you need to do.  Sometimes I think that we get so wrapped up in ourselves (me included) that we forget to stop and put ourselves in the other person's position. 


Everyone has stress and worry.  Everyone needs time to just breathe and relax.  I get that I don't know what it is like to be a mom.  I get that changing diapers everyday, and hardly talking to another adult can be tough.  I haven't lived that, but I get it.  What I don't get is judging someone because they are not walking in your shoes.  Don't judge my life because I am not staying at home changing diapers.  That isn't my story right now, it may never be, but that doesn't make my life less worth something... just like it doesn't make someone who chooses to be a mom less than either. 


Our journeys and roles are unique.  Sometimes it is okay to take a step back, stop talking about diaper changes, and get to know each other as adults without the kids around.  Then after that time is over, you spend all the time, focus, and energy on those darling kids.  Community and friendships are worth it, even if it takes a little bit of sacrifice. 

A to Z Challlenge: C is for Christian Singleness #singlenessmyth#3

My A to Z Challenge is a blog about singleness.  Some myths, some thoughts, some of the things that I have been learning as a 30 something year old single American woman, in a culture that sees this as something that is less than.....  join me on this journey!

C is for Christian Singleness.  Myth #3:  Christian Singles belong in the church.  There is no reason for them to feel any different. 

This post is probably not going to be relevant to you if you are not in some kind of Christian circle.  But maybe it will be because the reason you are not in some kind of Christian circle is due to not feeling like you belong there. 

I have grown up in church circles my whole life.  I went to a private Christian college, where pretty much everyone was there to get married and have babies.  I would be kidding myself if I thought any differently.  I grew up in a family where if you weren't married by 21 you got less money for Christmas (not my immediate family).  I grew up knowing that marriage was important.  It was ordained by God.  He created family.  I grew up knowing that one day I would get married, I just didn't want it to be right after high school, or college for that matter. 

Here's what I didn't grow up hearing though.  I didn't grow up hearing that it is okay if you never get married.  Now I want to be clear I am not talking about my family.  In fact I feel like my parents are some of the most supportive parents a person could ever have.  Our family has had its moments, but really we all love and care, and support each other way more than some of my friend's families do. 

What I am talking about is the church.  The church itself.  The church that makes a big deal out of families, and people needing to be with someone.  The church that basically says if you aren't married and don't have kids by a certain date, then you don't have anywhere to belong.  The church would never say this out loud.  The church would never on purpose hurt people, but it is just those comments like, "well you have so much free time,"  or "you don't understand because you don't have a husband, or children," or the inevitable, "just wait for God's timing," my favorite one is, "when you are not looking, that is when you will meet someone."  Or the.... "to be single again," statement.  Most of the time these statements aren't meant to cause harm.  But to the single person that has been praying, and living life the best they can single these statements can be heart-wrenching, crushing statements. 

I serve in my current church because I want to.  For the longest time though I didn't.  I have a gift with kids.  I get them, I love hanging out with them, and I truly know that I am able to reach them on a level some adults can't.  I want that to be the reason that I serve with the kids, not just because I am single, and people deem me as having nothing better to do with my time. 

I actually had a former boss talk about her sister-in-law, and basically say that she didn't know what stress was because she didn't have kids, and that their family was just so much busier and more stressed out, etc. 

I will never claim that my life is comparable to someone with kids, or a husband.  That's just the thing though, it isn't comparable.  We can't compare what we have been handed against someone else.  We all were created for a reason, and purpose that is individual and unique to the gifts that we have been given.

What we can do though is stop excluding people because of their marital status, or how many kids they do or don't have.  We can engage in community with those that are different from us.  We can teach each other what it means to be walking down a path that we didn't imagine for ourselves.  We can stop acting like God only blesses people that are married, and have the traditional family unit.  We can stop bringing our kids up to in environments where they will feel less than if they do not get married and have kids.  We can show our kids, our communities that serving God single, is just as important as serving him as a couple.  We can teach our kids that there only purpose in life is not to give us grandkids.  I don't know how many people I have heard proclaim... "well it's okay we can make it through this phase, because one day they are going to give me grandbabies."  STOP.... what if they don't!  What if  you are never a grandparent.  Will your life still be worth something?  Is their life still worth something? 

This is a really big issue for me... I don't want to write anymore than I have to keep the length in check, but I want you to think about where you see marriage, singleness, and community.  Think about it.  Think about what you would do if your child never got married and had kids.  Yes teach them how to be parents, and aunts and uncles.  Teach them how to care for other human beings, but don't let their worth and value lie in something that may not depend on them. 

Let's let our new Christian culture be one in which people aren't afraid to be single at church.  They feel just as welcomed, just as loved, just as important as the rest of those in the community.  Let's change the conversation, and open up dialogue for belonging, and understanding to reconcile a community that needs healing.   



A to Z Challenge: B is for Brave #singlenessmyth#2

My A to Z Challenge is a blog about singleness.  Some myths, some thoughts, some of the things that I have been learning as a 30 something year old single American woman, in a culture that sees this as something that is less than.....  join me on this journey!

Be is for Brave!  Myth #2:  You are so brave to stay single, and wait for the right person!

Oftentimes I feel like this phrase is said in the sweetest most condescending way.  If you have ever, or thought you might ever say this to someone.... DON'T!

People who are single, and have been single for their whole life, do not know anything different.  It is not that we are brave to not get married.  Bravery has nothing to do with it in my opinion.  Because when I think of bravery, I think of facing something that I have a choice in.  Like I have a choice to hike 10 miles today.  I am brave when I face that 10 miles and do it.  When I think about my singleness, it doesn't feel like I want someone measuring my bravery, because it isn't a choice that I am making in a brave way.  It is not like I am having to face these obstacles in order to stay single, right?

So I would rather people not see me as being brave for being single, I would rather you see me as being brave for being my most authentic self, for loving people even when it is hard, and for being willing to go on spontaneous adventures.  I would rather my singleness not be what defines me, but rather who I am as a person, and what I am doing with this life I have been given.

Maybe other people feel differently.  I think for some there might be a need for bravery.  But it is not something that anyone wants pity for.  Being single is not a curse that needs fixed.  None of us are half of a person walking around until we find that "one."  Maybe that is what the bravery is for?

Bravery to step outside of the box and have conversations with the community.  Whether you are single or not.  Bravery to meet someone that isn't like you, to engage in a conversation that you don't necessarily agree on.  Maybe that is the bravery of humanity.  Looking at someone and not just seeing them for what you can see on the outside, but getting to know their story, and understanding their heart.  So, maybe being human, is grasping being brave.  Maybe we all could use a little more of it, and this world might just start to be a  less scary, less selfish place.

A to Z Challenge: A is for Alone #singlenessmyth#1

My A to Z Challenge is a blog about singleness.  Some myths, some thoughts, some of the things that I have been learning as a 30 something year old single American woman, in a culture that sees this as something that is less than.....  join me on this journey!

A is for Alone!  Myth #1 Only single people feel alone.

I think that until a couple weeks ago I was determined that married people couldn't possibly understand how alone I feel at times.  It wasn't until I was sitting in a group of women, crying my eyes out at my single state that I realized that this feeling of being alone it isn't just something that I face.  It is a collective feeling.  One that every single person faces at some point in their lives.

But let me say this.... the feeling of being alone... it is very different if you are ALWAYS alone.

For instance I was at dinner with a friend the other night, and this topic actually came up.  She was telling me this story about her married friend.  Her married friend was talking about how her husband had just went on a trip.  The wife was feeling all alone, like she didn't have anyone in the world.  As she was telling this story my friend agreed that is a really bad feeling, but then the wife said that it was so wonderful when she knew that the husband was coming home.  Right?  So.... here's where I am going with this.  A single person never has the hope of that return, right?  That feeling of aloneness is ALWAYS there.

Some singles are just fine with that feeling. They have come to terms with it, or it never bothered them.  Most singles though, they are masking that alone feeling with other things.  Whether that is trying to never be home, or it is drugs, alcohol, companionship, gambling.  In so many forms we try to not feel "alone."  I have a really good guy friend that refuses to ever do anything by himself.  He has never gone to a restaurant by himself, or a movie or anything.  He refuses to do those types of things alone.  Why?  Because he cares about how other people view him.  He thinks that people will judge him for that.  Probably some people do. But really most probably don't even pay any attention.  Sometimes we put way too much stock in what other people think of us, or what we think that other people are thinking of us. 

I have to admit though I do think that some married people feel more alone than certain single people, because they are in a marriage that is not fulfilling them.  Or they are leaning on their spouse to fill a hole that can't be filled by another person.

Why do we feel so afraid of aloneness?  Why are we so judgemental of people that we see at a restaurant by themselves, or a movie?  Instead of judging each other, why don't we embrace each other.  I know for me, I get tired of always having to be the one to text.  I continue to do it, because it is important to me, but I LOVE the moments when a friend texts me and says... hey I have an extra ticket to this you want to go, or I was really missing time with you and thinking we should go have dinner next week.  To me that fills the void of being "alone."

Maybe when we look around us, and see those that need our friendship, our community, our love, we won't have as many people walking around in this world feeling alone, just maybe?

Lent and Easter 2018

Lent started on February 14, 2018.... it seems like a lifetime ago actually.  This is the first year that I have successfully stayed off of social media for the duration of time I gave it up.  It actually hasn't been as tempting as I thought it would be, and I haven't missed it nearly as much as I have in the past.  I think that is a really good thing.  I have found that I have been able to connect with more people in this last 40 + days  than I really have anytime before now.  I didn't know when I embarked on this journey all that I would go through, learn, and give up.

I started this journey in a very different place than I am ending it.  I started it and shortly after had an experience happen that changed my view of life. In this season I was able to grasp a few of my idols, and let me tell you... it was a hard thing to work through.  If you have been following my blog even while I have been away from social media, then you have been able to journey along with me a little bit.  If not then this is going to be new information for you.  I think I started Lent wanting to give up social media to focus more on God, love, and moments of genuine, authentic conversation with others.

For a couple of weeks I kept the dating apps I had downloaded, and allowed that to be a distraction along with some feelings about a situation that were needing to be dealt with.  Then I just had this moment of clarity.  I really feel like this time away from social media, and everything that it entails has allowed me to listen to my inner voice.  That voice that I sometimes ignore because I am afraid of what it will say.  The voice that sometimes tells me I need to focus up instead of around.  The voice that whispers that I am enough even when I don't necessarily feel like it.  So I deleted the dating apps, and allowed God to work in me to understand that if that happens one day it will be because He brings it in my path.  I don't want to put myself out there for just anyone.  And I won't.  My life doesn't have to be lived waiting on someone to share it with.  For during this season I realized that the people I have been able to spend time with.  The ones that have reached out to me, they are the ones that I am sharing my life with.  They are the ones that I put my effort and time in. They are the ones that are embracing me for who I am, and molding me into who I should be.  

Have you ever had a moment of clarity, and that moment truly follows you for years to come?  I can tell you that I've had a few of those moments during the last 2 months.  Moments that I will look back, and know were meant to help me in the next steps on this journey.

Sometimes life brings you to a place in your journey where you have to choose.  You have to take the right or the left, and not look back.  This is that time for me.  Do I take the right, and have adventure... but the kind of adventure that is waiting for this thing to happen in order to feel like I'm accepted in the culture that surrounds me.  Or do I take the left, and go on an adventure that I don't even understand quite yet?


As I see the sun rising on this Easter morning I know that I am leaving behind some things that I haven't been quite ready to let go of yet.  Expectations of life, and what I wanted to happen in life.  Expectations of how people see me.  I am leaving behind the expectation of marriage, and children, and how that is the only way to feel worthy in our culture.  The expectation that your life has to look exactly the same, and that it has to be this neatly packaged box with a bow around it. The choices that I have made, that are not loving and kind.  The times when I have given in and I shouldn't have.  My selfishness, my pride. I'm letting them die, to be replaced with love, kindness, joy, encouragement, and compassion for those around me.  That I may never sink back in to being held captive by them again.  

I look to the sunrise to be a time when I can celebrate that I am not on this journey alone.  I can celebrate that I have been called to something great.  I can celebrate that through the pain, sadness, anger, bitterness, and brokenness I am alive.  I am alive to live, to love, and to see people for who they are.  There have been times when I have second guessed myself and my interactions with others, but you know what?  I will continue to text people first, and go out of my way to stay connected with those, even if they don't seem to want me.  I will go out of my way to serve my community, and sacrifice time, energy and money for those that don't have the life I do.  I will go out of my way to be a friend, no matter what that looks like.  For this life is about people, loving them, and letting them know that they are here for a reason.  Not just a certain kind of people, but everyone.  If I live my life loving others, no matter where they are from, their sexuality, their race, their religious beliefs, the way they raise their children, what side of town they are from, what political party they adhere to.  If I live my life loving with only the intent of letting them feel God's love, then that will completely be worth it. 

Betrayal....

All of us have felt it, betrayal.  We tell someone something in complete confidence, and the next minute the whole world seems to know what we thought would never come from that friend's mouth.  It hurts, it is a pain like no other.  Or perhaps you have someone that you have trusted and then the next minute they are dating someone that you liked, or they have become best friends with someone that you had both gossiped about (even though you shouldn't have). 

We all have felt betrayed at some point in our lives.  It stabs us in the heart.  It makes us wonder if we can trust anyone.  It is one of the hardest experiences that a person goes through in my opinion.  This week during Holy Week, the word betrayed keeps crossing my mind.  Especially today for some reason.  Thinking about Jesus, and his most trusted followers, and how one of them sought out to betray Him.  What must that have been like?  For Jesus, and for the betrayer.  What kind of ugliness do you have to have in your heart to want to turn someone in?   Greed maybe?  Power maybe?  Anger? 

Sometimes I become so self-absorbed that I think I would NEVER dream of doing something like that... not me!  Ofcourse not!  Then I look at myself in the mirror, and realize that I am just as guilty of betrayal as the next person is.  I don't get to put myself on a pedestal with this one.  Not at all.  I am just as greedy, power hungry, and angry about someone being better or getting more honor than I do.  It makes me human to feel this way.  But it doesn't mean I have to live in this human feeling. 

I don't ever want to be the person that betrays.  The person that ruins relationships because I don't know how to put others first.  The person that only seeks out my own desires above all else.  The person that wants the fame and glory.  I don't want that, yet everyday I find myself fighting that urge. 

So, how do I stop it?  How do I understand the feelings involved in this betrayal, and live differently? 

I believe the answer is love.  Seeing people the way they aren't meant to be.  Understanding that there are going to be times when someone betrays my confidence, and the greatest thing I can do is love them through that.  Know that by me trusting people that is another form of my love for them. 

I don't ever want to go down the road of anger.  It is too much for me to walk in.  My life doesn't live well in the angry state. 

As I walk through this week, pondering what it means that I believe in a Savior that was betrayed because of reasons that are opposite of love.  I want to understand even more what it took for Jesus to accept the betrayal, knowing that it had to happen just like that.  I want to understand how He continued to love, and lead.  How He continued to acknowledge God in the midst of this deep pain, and anguish.  I want to understand how to love in the midst of pain, sorrow, and rejection. 

May this betrayal fuel me to see people in the most authentic way I can,  and love them no matter what.