This week has been tough for a number of reasons. I learned that I am going to be working from home until at least the end of August. I learned that I am going to have to do a lot more in July than I thought. I learned that I have to change my vacation time, that I so desperately need/want. I also learned that I'm not as valuable to people as I thought I was. None of those things are really within my control. Except maybe the vacation, but honestly I am just over it at this point.
As a 2 on the Enneagram scale I am a helper. Everything that I do pretty much is to help other people. Most of the time it is to help them without wanting anything back in return, except to be loved. If I am honest being loved and liked is very much a part of who I am. I want people to like me. I want to feel like I don't have to earn their love or attention. That I can be who I am, say whatever I am thinking and they will still 100 % love and support me. In the past few years that has proven to be false, so why would I think any differently now? I find myself in a situation once again where someone is leaving me. For whatever reason my friendship isn't good enough to pursue, and keep. My friendship is very easily being thrown away.
I have never been someone that needs a lot of good friends. I like to have friends, and I like being around people most of the time. I would say that I do get energy from being around people a lot of the time, but I don't need tons of friends. I just need a few good friends that I can turn to when I need to be picked up at 4:00 am after a volunteer party, or need to come help me when my tire is flat along a very busy road, or am just feeling lonely and need some company. The past few years have been a little lonely in the friendship department. I will get a good couple of friends, and then something happens and they will just disappear out of my life....
Most of the time they disappear because I stop trying. Not that I don't want to be their friend, but I just stop being the first one to call or text. When that happens, they slowly drift away. I find that people really like me when they first meet me and for about another 2 months after that. Then I don't know I guess I flip the "crazy tawnya" switch or something, and they find someone better to hang out with, or they no longer need me.
I'm a great listener. I know this about myself. I rarely interrupt, and I usually let other people talk about what is going on in their lives, and only mention myself if they ask. Some of that is to keep myself in a little box, but also because I genuinely like hearing what other people are going through. And trying to be there for them. This also means that there are very few times, when I actually get to talk about what is on my heart, and have someone genuinely listen.
When I think back to people leaving me...I most of the time blame myself. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me that I can't keep friends? I go out of my way to be a good friend. I listen, I drop whatever I am doing whenever they have a problem and drive however long I need to do just to be there for them. Yet for some reason it isn't enough. For some reason I can't get people to do that for me.
I have thought through this a lot, because even writing those words, makes me feel extremely selfish. Love isn't about what other people can do for you... it is about what you can do for them. But I have to ask myself…. if I am the one every single time dropping everything to listen to and be there for other people.… but there's none of that done for me..... then I don't really know that I am the problem after all.
I believe that love is about sacrifice and courage. You have to be willing to sacrifice some of your own wants and needs sometimes. You have to be willing to put other people first. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and that takes courage. Loving someone means showing them love the way they need to be shown love. In whatever way that is. But if you say for instance that your love language is doing things for people. And you are making a valid effort to do things for some people, but only when it will benefit you... then I am probably going to question your love.
I realized this week that if someone says their love language is gifts, but they have never given me a gift... then I would say I am not actually one of their top people. Or if they say their love language is time, but they never want to spend time with me.... probably not one of their top people.
I will never be someone that isn't kind. I will never be able to stop helping people... but I am getting to the point where I realize that my friendship can have different levels. I don't have to be everything for everyone… I can't. Especially when it is not reciprocated. I can't continue to put forth effort and energy into friendships that would die if that effort and energy were no longer coming from me.
So..... even though it feels like I am easily thrown away.. I have to remember that the right people will see my worth. I won't stop being kind and helpful, but I am also not going to continue to put so much into developing friendships that it seems like I'm not getting anything in return. Or the effort and love that I am giving aren't being seen as worth anything. I am a really good friend. I have my faults, but I give and love. I see the good in people, and I would do anything for anyone. So for today, I say good-bye to those that don't see my worth and look forward to the ones that will come next that do.
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