I've been working from home for over a month now. I didn't know when I left my office in March that we probably wouldn't be going back till at least the end of May... if not later. It's weird this working from home thing... I am literally doing everything at home, and it can get really old. But there are also things I really like about it. I get to create my own schedule. I can get up at 10, and end work at 6. I don't have to put on real pants. But there are other things about working from home that are driving me crazy. I feel like I have no time off. I literally have 2-3 zoom meetings every single day. I've had to create virtual programs, and a lot of them. Which means more zoom meetings. I work everyday except for Sunday.
I'm happy to have work to do. I am happy that I am being paid. Because I know that some people aren't. I am happy that I am able to be in an apartment that I like, because honestly if I had been in my previous apartment this situation would be basically hell on earth!
But this situation has also created in me a time of reflection. I have had some of the best conversations during this time, but I have also had to face some things... and help others through some things. I talked to a friend the other day who is going through some hard things. This friend shared with me some of what was said in a conversation where they told someone how they felt. It was this heartfelt thing that this person said... and I am happy for this person if everything works out the way they want it to, but it was also this deep, painful reminder to me that I may never have that kind of love. I long to be pursued, to be worth going above and beyond. Someone who wants all of me... all of the mess that I am. Loves me even when I am an emotional wreck. Loves me even when I am annoying, and demand more than what they want to give. I long for that with all of my heart. But you know what I get? I get the, "hey what's up?" from the engaged guy that I dated 2 years ago. Or the late night texts from someone who is drunk and just wanting attention. So.. it makes me feel like I'm not worthy. It makes me feel like I am good enough to be a friend, or a text buddy.. but will I ever be good enough for someone to want me in their life forever? Will I ever be the one that someone wants to move mountains for?
Some of you will be so bold to say.. but Jesus does that for you.... and that's all fine and good. And on my best days, I know that.... but there aren't a lot of best days. Especially stuck in a world where I can't even attempt to go on an actual date... not that anyone would be asking me anyways. Because truthfully dating right now is just a bunch of text messages without anything real behind any of them. Regardless... to those of you who are married or in a long term relationship and want to tell me that I need to find my all in Jesus.. I inquire of you.. is that what you do? I 100% bet it isn't. Because through this quarantine you have had someone always there for you, right? You have had someone hug you when you needed a hug... you have been able to cry and scream and know that you are loved through this mess. So.. .please do not tell me I need to find my spouse in Jesus. Frankly I just don't want to hear it. Not today, maybe not tomorrow... Especially when things don't go as you think they will....
I will get through these doubts, I always do. But for me I just need to process them, think through them and choose what is truth and what is not. I wish I didn't have the baggage of friends leaving me for no reason. Sometimes I wish that instead of going overseas and waiting to really date till in my 30's I had just stayed in the states, married the first guy who was interested and had a couple babies. Because then it might feel like my life was at least worth something...
Please do not read this and think that I am feeling sorry for myself.. because I am not. I know that I have lived a life that some people dream about. But the real honest part of me struggles everyday with feeling like I am not good enough. I know that there are plenty of people living in marriages and relationships where they don't feel loved. I know that there are plenty of people that feel like every friendship they have is one-sided. That if they don't reach out no one will ever reach out to them. I feel that way quite often.
But then I stop focusing on myself. I look outside of the selfish desires that I have and I realize that love isn't really about me. If for the rest of my life I am the person that everyone comes to for a listening ear and advice without being there for me to lean on... I will fulfill that role with joy. If I never have someone pursue me to the point of marriage, I will be okay.. and even though it will probably break my heart on a daily basis I will live through it knowing that there is another purpose for me being on this earth. If I continue to have people walk out of my life, because of things I did or didn't do... I will learn from those and understand that the people that are meant to be in my life will stay.
If you are still reading this... thanks! I think that sometimes it is easy to post things that are only good. We don't post the times when we doubt, fear, or are sad. But there are those times... every single day. We need to talk more about those times. About how hard things are... of course we need to see the good... but the way we help each other is by being authentic and real. So.. this is the raw version of me... the thoughts that I have that I don't always share. Why I choose to write them on a public forum? Well.... I feel like it helps me process. And maybe in my process it can help someone else too... perhaps it can help someone else to not feel so alone in what they are going through...
Here's to days ahead, I don't know what is in store... and I am sure it will be good.. but sometimes you have to go through the valley to get to the mountaintop... And sometimes the valley is not what you ever thought it would be!
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