Thursday, February 7, 2019

Book #7.... Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

It's amazing to me how the books that I read come to me at just the right moments.  I started this book not knowing what this week would bring, and it has brought some tough things.  The conversations that have played in my head have brought back a lot of memories, shame, guilt, regret.  All of the things that I have tried so very hard to move past and not allow in my space.

I have 14 pages of quotes from this book.  I won't put them all in this blog, but if you ever read this book and want to have a conversation about it with me, I would absolutely love that!

This week I came face to face with vulnerability and what I tell myself so that I don't have to feel vulnerable.  Because we all know that being vulnerable means that we could get hurt.

One of the first quotes that I wrote down was this, "Each strategy was built on the same premise:  keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy."  page 7

I do this so well.  I have gotten better over the years, but when I feel like I am about to get rejected, I back away.  If I feel like I am being left out of something, or I am too much for someone I disengage.  Then becomes the self talk that inside my head tells me I am not worthy of that person, I am not enough for them.  But you know what?  It's not true.

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.  It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.  If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path. page 34

Not too long ago I allowed someone back in my life that had hurt me a lot.  This person had spread lies about me, and put me down over and over again.  They called me awful things that I know aren't true, but still cut me.  This person and I had no contact for a year.  Then last fall they messaged me and apologized.  I forgave them.  I was there for them when they were going through a really hard time.  But I had to stop being there for them so much because they were coming to rely on me as their source of happiness, and as their only friend.  I don't want to ever not be there for someone, but I also know that when you put someone in the place of bringing you happiness and contentment that puts the other person in a awkward and stressful position.  So, I didn't give them all the attention that they wanted and they deleted me.  I was vulnerable, I forgave them, and they got rid of me.  So even though I know that in reality it is this person that is struggling and needs to work through stuff.  That little voice inside of me kept repeating, "It's because you weren't enough."  "You weren't a good friend"  "You didn't do what you could have done."  And on and on that voice went.

As I was dealing with this I was also reading this book.  I wanted to disengage from everyone.  I wanted to just get rid of all the other people in my life that could reject me and cause me pain, even though none of them have ever hurt me.  But because of this situation two other things happened.  Instead of seeing them for what they were, I saw them as more shame and rejection.  I took these situations and I let them be more proof that I am not enough.

Then I read some more...

"Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fear- the fears of being abandoned, unworthy and unloveable."  page 52

"I stayed so busy that the truth of my hurting and fear could never catch up.  I looked brave on the outside and felt scared on the inside."  page 55

Yes, I wanted to just wallow in my feelings.  I didn't know that I was allowing shame to be a part of me for so long. But there are some more ways that I need to engage... more things that I have to learn.

"We have to be able to talk about how we feel, what we need and desire, and we have to be able to listen with an open heart and an open mind.  There is no intimacy without vulnerability.  Yet another powerful example of vulnerability as courage." page 104

"To claim the truths about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, and the very imperfect nature of our lives, we have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks or imperfections."  page 131

I want to claim the truth of who I am.  My worth has to be felt by me first.  I can't find it in any friendships, I can't find it in experiences.  I have to find it in myself.  I have to know that those that are meant to be in my life will accept me for who I am.  They will love me for all of the things.  The things that are good, and the things that are frustrating.  They will love me no matter what I look like, or what I accomplish.  Because they will love and accept me for all of who I am.

"Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."  page 146

"I have a picture of a person on a tightrope hanging over my desk to remind me that working to stay open and at the same time to keep boundaries in place is worth the energy and risk."  page 169

I don't know that I won't have more days like the past two.  Where I allow myself to go to a place of shame, but I know that I am working on it.  Everyday I am closer to living life Wholeheartedly.

"Daring greatly means finding our own path and respecting what that search looks like for other folks."  page 231

Here's to Daring Greatly....

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