I don't know that I can even explain all of the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind this week, but I am going to at least try.
Trust is not easily given to anyone, by anyone. We find ourselves in a cycle of continuously letting down our walls only for them to be built up once again. We find ourselves asking if it is worth it. Is it worth breaking down those walls and becoming vulnerable if our heart is only going to be broken time and time again? Sometimes its breakage is our own fault, and sometimes it is a result of that authenticity we so long to live out.
There are many different forms of trust in our daily lives. The trust that we have for our family, those that have been there through all of our ups and downs. We know that they are going to be there for us no matter what, and even if that trust is broken most of the time it is repairable. Trust that we have for those long-time friends. That trust that comes only from going through the deepest mud pit with each other. It is a trust that has been broken a few times, but has always found a way to mend itself up again. The trust that we have for our employers. Trust that they always have our needs in mind and that they are kind of in control of our provisions in some ways. Trust that we have for our colleagues. We have to trust them to a certain extent because we are all going through the same things together. Trust that we have for those friends that we meet that we have an instant connection with, but don't necessarily have the history with. Every type of trust has a role in the moments of our day, the stories of our life.
There are so many different kinds of trust. Each kind has a different level of authenticity attached to it. The hope is that all trust would require and give the same level of authenticity, but unfortunately that is just not the case.
Do we ever come to the point where we let go of the hurt and pain that it takes to trust, and just trust? Do we?
How many times do we have to get hurt? How many times do we have to get burnt before we realize that we are in fact always going to be let down by human beings.
Does there come a point in life where we just let other people hurt us because that is all that is left of us. The expectation is that the only way to not be too much for someone is to just allow them to hurt you time and time again by not being trustworthy?
Does it mean that you have to stop being your true, authentic self?
I don't know. My trust and walls are broken. I have fought so hard to be so authentic, and to try to place myself really in a community of love. But what if I was just kidding myself. What if this isn't the community that I belong in? What if I made a mistake? What if I don't fit.
Maybe none of us ever truly fit. Maybe that is why it is so hard. We try to make ourselves fit in, when really no one ever truly feels like they can let their guard down. No one ever truly feels like they are a real piece to the puzzle.
How do we live? How do we be ourselves, when the self that we feel is judged and disliked by the world around us. How do we break down walls, when there is someone on the other side of the wall just waiting with a knife to stab us in the back?
I don't think I really have the answer tonight. I feel pretty broken, and unsure. I feel pretty lost in a community that I thought I knew. I feel pretty sad that my expectations aren't reality.
I long to be the best version of me. I long to make a difference in this world. I think the fear that I have, is that all of that means being willing to be hurt by those around me. Being willing to allow my truest self to be exposed to those that could cause the most hurt and harm. Is that sacrifice worth it? Is it?