I feel like I have been on this giant roller coaster ride for the past few months. Some days I feel amazing. I feel exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Then other days I feel like I am barely swimming, and getting by. I feel like I am lost in a chaotic world that wants to only see me fail. I feel like I don't know how to live in the weak state I am in. That I am going to completely fall apart at any moment. I feel lost, because am I doing what I am supposed to be doing? Am I living where I am supposed to be living? Am I friends with people that are meant to be in my life?
Sometimes the answer is a definite YES....
But sometimes I question, doubt, and fear.
Sometimes I look at my life and wonder why it is SO hard. I wonder why we have to go through SO much! I HATE that so many of my friends have had parents that have died or are dying from cancer. I hate that with a passion that is beyond my control. It makes me really angry. It makes me want to question the goodness of God. It makes me doubt my Creator.
It makes me doubt....love.
The thing is that I have to be honest that is how I feel sometimes. I have to come from a place that recognizes that there is suffering. A place that recognizes that there is so much pain and hurt. A place that recognizes that I don't even understand all the pain and hurt others have gone through. I don't understand because my pain isn't their pain....my pain is my own.
How do I see goodness in death, in suffering, in pain? How do I see the sovereignty of God in the midst of all that is going on in my own life and those that I love? How do I not question that God is working it for His good? In my humanity, in my weakness I have to question...because I don't understand.
I know that He meets me there, though. I know that God welcomes my doubt, my anger, my fear. He welcomes it, because in those moments, I am most aware of Him. In my moments of weakness....of not understanding anything that is going on...that is when He is able to show His love the most.
He works through those doubts, fears to transform me. To make me more of who He has created me to be. In my suffering, in the suffering that I feel from those around me...He is glorified because He is what I trust...He is what sustains me.