Sometimes you have to take a step back from the world, from the pain, from the feelings and evaluate what got you to this point. You have to take a step back and just breathe in the air, let it out and look at the things that hurt you, but didn't break you. Sometimes you have to stop allowing the voices, the circumstances and the words to further cause you harm. Sometimes you just have to walk through the desert to find the lush green grass in the valley.
This past week has been really hard for some reason. A lot of it has to do with forcing myself to evaluate whether I should stay or go. A lot of it has to do with allowing myself to really look inside of my heart and head, and question my motives, my validation and ask myself where I am getting them from. For I fear that my motives and validation have stopped coming from God, and instead started coming from those around me.
It isn't a good place to be in. In fact I am not even sure that I know how it happened in the first place. I find myself putting all of my worth and value in what others think of me, and I can't do it anymore. I have to find my value and worth in the love of God. I have to find that person again. It is okay that sometimes that person gets lost. It is okay that sometimes she has to fight her way back on top. It is okay that she sometimes can do nothing but sit down and cry because the expectations haven't been met and people are in fact just human. It is okay that sometimes she doesn't feel valued and loved except by her Creator. It is okay that she sometimes doesn't feel worthy of even His value and love. It is okay.
The truth is that it is okay because she knows, I know that there is hope on the other side. I know that these feelings will pass. I know that I am valued and loved. I know that one rejection isn't enough to set me back a decade. I know that I can and will grow despite circumstances and people that want to bring me down. I know that even though I want to run, I will thrive if I stay. I know that there are days that crying will be all I can do.
In this moment of time I want to hide away. I want to just be in my own cocoon and not come out of it. I want to be able to be sad for awhile. To grieve those things that weren't meant for me. I want to be able to praise God with tears streaming down my face. I want to be able to work through the hard things. To get to the lush grass of the valley and look back at the barren desert that I just walked through. I want to be able to learn as I walk. To thirst as I walk. I want to be closer to who I am supposed to be, but while that transformation is happening...I think I am going to be authentically hidden for awhile. Hidden in a place of love, grace, and creativity. Awaiting a time, when I can bloom once again.