I feel like there are a lot of cultural expectations that are new to me. Expectations that are causing me to reexamine where I am in life and where I want to be.
This past weekend I went to a Women's Conference that I thought was going to get me out of the funk I was in. I thought it was going to help me get past all the junk I had been dealing with- the doubts and fears that I oftentimes find creating havoc in my mind.
The truth is that moments of the conference created even more havoc in my mind. The truth is that I came away feeling like my life isn't worthy because I am not a wife or a mother. I don't have a legacy to leave behind at this point. I don't have the struggles of making a marriage work. I don't play the role that a majority of females in their mid-thirties play. I'm not a wife, I'm not a mother. I don't even really have the prospect of that happening in the near future- as much as I would like it to.
Most days this fact doesn't bother me. Most days I know that my influence of teacher, friend, and confidant is enough to leave a legacy. But then moments happen within those days when I feel like I'm not enough. I feel like because I can't claim those roles that my life is less fulfilling.
I've had to take a lot of moments to examine why it is that I feel this way. To examine how I can focus on what I know to be true, instead of focusing on the lies that the enemy wants to bombard me with.
These are the questions I find myself asking....
Do I give up hope of ever filling those roles?
Do I allow the church to make me feel less of a person because I don't fill those roles?
Do I just sit back and say this is the way our culture is and there's nothing I can do about it?
My answer to each question is a simple....No.
I look at this moment in time as one in which I either resign myself to being a part of the minority of those still single in their 30's, that are constantly getting overlooked and ignored. Or.... I do something to change the way my area of the world sees me. I do something to embrace where I am, and help those around me embrace it too.
I can't just sit back and resign myself to feel unworthy, to feel devalued, just because I don't fit into the normal rules that have been dictated to me.
So, I look for ways that I can change the expectations. I look for ways that I can make a difference for those who find themselves in this same place. I ask God to help me be content with where I am, to know my value, and worth. I find my way on this journey, not with my eyes cast down in shame...but facing it head on. With dreams and plans, that the future singles in their 30's and beyond won't have to feel quite so exiled. That with each generation we get better at welcoming everyone no matter what role they fill, or don't. No matter who they are.
I look to my God and grasp a hold of the truth that He created me exactly as I am. That He alone knows the role I am meant to fill right now, and in the future. I grasp a hold of the truth that I am ALWAYS enough.