Friendship is something that I struggle with. Most of the people I thought would be there as lifelong friends, have left me. This year was no exception to that. I let someone back in my life after a little hiatus, and I thought that we had a genuine friendship. I thought that he would be there for me no matter what, and that he was actually sincere in his friendship with me. But I found out that is not in fact true. He easily threw me away, when he found someone that fit into his life better. He's not the kind of person that can have multiple people as close friends. And in fact he doesn't like to get close to people because he is afraid that they will see who he really is. I'm thankful for the time we had. I am thankful that I was able to have him back in my life for a little while. I am not sure why I wasn't good enough for him to maintain a friendship with. Why it was so easy for him to throw me away, but I can't take that personally, right?
I became part of a group of people back in the fall and I thought... great this is finally a place where I might find those friendships that I've been looking for. The kind of people that I can just hang out with be myself, and not feel the need to explain myself, or put on a mask to be the person they want me to be. Then the new year came, and some things happened to make that group become something else. I thought that I was in a good place. But for some reason I am always finding myself in a place where people like me when they first meet me, and then they want nothing to do with me after awhile.
I try to be someone that accepts people for who they are. I try to be someone that looks at the positives in a situation, and tries to see where people are coming from. But I also know that not everyone is going to be my best friend. I know that people tend to come in and out of your life. They find significant others, and leave the rest behind.
Change is coming for me. I have to realize that I might just be a temporary friend. That might just be my role in life. The person that is there when you need her, but beyond that I am disposable. Beyond that when I am annoying or the person you never thought I would be... I am not worth your time or effort.
I'll never stop trying. I will never see a phone call or text message where someone needs help, and not give my help unless I am just unavailable or have too much going on. But I will step back if I am in a place where I feel unwanted. I never want to be a burden on anyone. I never want my presence to cause them stress or harm. And unfortunately for a lot of people it seems like that is what it does.
I know I have my quirks, just like anyone else. I know that somedays I feel like partying my life away. I am social, enthusiastic, and outgoing. But other days I just feel like hiking a trail, doing some yoga, and taking some time away to just be. This is me. I am not a go out every weekend kind of girl. I like staying in, playing cards, sitting around a campfire talking about hard things, or going on a hike where all we do is just walk and think.
I care so much about people. I want everyone to have a good time, I want everyone to leave my presence feeling better about themselves. I never want anyone that I have interacted with to doubt their worth or value to me. But I know that sometimes they do. Because I am not perfect. As much as I would like to always be there for everyone else, I just can't.
I guess this is going to be another year of me learning that not everyone is a lifelong friend. That most people are just going to be there as long as you are there for them. It is going to be another year of learning about who I am as a person, and the boundaries that I have with others. It is going to be another year of searching for those people that will always have my back, and not just drop me the minute someone "better" comes along. It is going to be another year of working through past feelings of rejection. Another year....
You know what? I don't regret it though. I am happy to be in the place that I am. Because I know that my friendship is worth something. I know that I am valuable. I love hard, I give of myself. I will absolutely be there for you no matter what.
So change is coming..... I know it is.... but I am ready for it. Here's to meeting and keeping those people in my life that will value me, and know my worth. Those that will see my crazy, insecure side, and not let it be something that makes them run the other direction. Those that will sit beside me in my silence the same as in my loudness. I know they are there.... I just know it!