One of my devotionals in the You Version is all about Hope this week. I really think that I need this reminder because I feel like there are a lot of things I have lost hope in. For instance getting married and being a mom. I really do think that my hope is gone in that every happening for me. It will be a mourning process, and then I will move on. But I just don't know that I believe at this point that it can really happen.
Does that mean that I have lost hope in God? No, it doesn't. But it just means that I think that His plans might not be my plans. It is sad for me, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I just think that's the way it is.
I do still have Hope though. I have hope that one day Jesus will come back and reconcile this world. Broken relationships, are the number one thing that I can't wait for him to redeem. I hate when things get so messed up. Misunderstandings happen, and most of the time when communication happens and two or more people are willing to see things from the other person's point of view... they can be fixed. But there are the sometimes when the relationships are just broken and there is nothing that can be done to repair them. So, my hope is in the coming of Jesus. In the restoration of those relationships. In the coming of the Prince of Peace.
While I am waiting I am going to do everything that I can to understand others, and communicate love. I know that I am going to fail, a lot. But I am going to try my best. Putting my Hope in the one that knows brokenness is the best way to start. At least that's what I think!
Monday, December 3, 2018
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Advent- Day 2
Darkness and light. We know that it exists. You can't turn on the news, or walk around outside without coming across something or someone that seems void of light. Our world is a dark place, sometimes it seems too much. Especially when I think about those that claim to be walking in the light, yet show no love or grace to those that are unlike them, or not following what they deem as correct. It is hard for me to see the light in them, and to understand it.
When I am in a dark place, what do I tend to do? I tend to look inward, or I look toward the world to solve my problems. Sometimes I hang out with people that I think will help to bring me out of the light. Sometimes they do put me in a better mood, but the truth is that no person can be our light. We can't get stuck in thinking that our circumstances, are going to be the light for us. Right now I have a good job, a good place to live, pretty good health not counting the past couple of days. But if I put my hope and joy in that, then when those things change I am going to be in despair.
On this second day of Advent, I realize that my hope is sometimes in people and circumstances. My hope and joy sometimes comes from where I am at in the world.
But it can't come from there. I can't depend on people to bring me hope. Because every person is struggling with darkness. Yes, the light has overcome the darkness, right? But everyone struggles with living outside of that darkness. We do or say things that we shouldn't. We don't live up to other's expectations. Those are all part of being human. So for me to put my hope, my joy in people, well I will find myself disappointed and depressed every single time. People can't satisfy my longing for hope. Jesus, He is the only one that can satisfy that hope. The hope of a Kingdom of service and sacrificial love. Right now on earth I only see a small fraction of what that Kingdom is going to look like. I only get a glimpse of it every now and then in those that I surround myself with.
So on this second day I look toward Him. I surrender to Him. Every single day, I surrender. I know that my thoughts get jumbled. I know that my focus will get side-tracked sometimes. So I continue to look up. I continue to see the times, when I am expecting others to be my hope. When I am allowing the darkness to control how I see my circumstances whether good or bad. I let go of what I think life should be like, and cling to the only One that knows and will make it what it should be.
When I am in a dark place, what do I tend to do? I tend to look inward, or I look toward the world to solve my problems. Sometimes I hang out with people that I think will help to bring me out of the light. Sometimes they do put me in a better mood, but the truth is that no person can be our light. We can't get stuck in thinking that our circumstances, are going to be the light for us. Right now I have a good job, a good place to live, pretty good health not counting the past couple of days. But if I put my hope and joy in that, then when those things change I am going to be in despair.
On this second day of Advent, I realize that my hope is sometimes in people and circumstances. My hope and joy sometimes comes from where I am at in the world.
But it can't come from there. I can't depend on people to bring me hope. Because every person is struggling with darkness. Yes, the light has overcome the darkness, right? But everyone struggles with living outside of that darkness. We do or say things that we shouldn't. We don't live up to other's expectations. Those are all part of being human. So for me to put my hope, my joy in people, well I will find myself disappointed and depressed every single time. People can't satisfy my longing for hope. Jesus, He is the only one that can satisfy that hope. The hope of a Kingdom of service and sacrificial love. Right now on earth I only see a small fraction of what that Kingdom is going to look like. I only get a glimpse of it every now and then in those that I surround myself with.
So on this second day I look toward Him. I surrender to Him. Every single day, I surrender. I know that my thoughts get jumbled. I know that my focus will get side-tracked sometimes. So I continue to look up. I continue to see the times, when I am expecting others to be my hope. When I am allowing the darkness to control how I see my circumstances whether good or bad. I let go of what I think life should be like, and cling to the only One that knows and will make it what it should be.
Advent Day 1
Yesterday was the first Day of the Advent Season. I was sick in bed, and did not make it to the computer to write my first blog. So here I am....
Advent is a time to think about Jesus' His coming to earth, and His return.
Not all of my friends believe in this, and I am okay with that. In fact I would rather have a variety of friends that believe many different things, than to have all of the people believe the same thing. That would make for a very boring life!
But for me Advent is a season of hope, love, joy and promise. I am looking forward to celebrating the birth of Jesus. I am looking forward to contemplating His story and what it means in my life.
Every day of Advent I am going to write a real letter to someone, and actually send it!
I think that this month is going to be about connection. Connection to Jesus, and connection to others.
So, here's to the first day of Advent, may my focus be on restoration and the hope of what is to come!
Advent is a time to think about Jesus' His coming to earth, and His return.
Not all of my friends believe in this, and I am okay with that. In fact I would rather have a variety of friends that believe many different things, than to have all of the people believe the same thing. That would make for a very boring life!
But for me Advent is a season of hope, love, joy and promise. I am looking forward to celebrating the birth of Jesus. I am looking forward to contemplating His story and what it means in my life.
Every day of Advent I am going to write a real letter to someone, and actually send it!
I think that this month is going to be about connection. Connection to Jesus, and connection to others.
So, here's to the first day of Advent, may my focus be on restoration and the hope of what is to come!
My thoughts for the past monthish
Wow! The last blog post is from October! I guess I have been busy or something! Ha! I am going to try not to ramble in this one, but I have some definite thoughts that have been going through my mind throughout this past month.
I often find myself contemplating, and thinking over the experiences that I have had and how they have shaped me. For the past 2 days I have been stuck in bed due to being super sick. There is no better time for all of the things that you have been thinking about to come to a head, than when you have nothing else to do, but think. So I have been thinking about circumstances, and where I see myself going in this next year.
Just like the past 4-5 years I have found that this past year has brought new people into my life, and gotten rid of some people from my life as well. Some of those I was sad to see go, and some I honestly know that my life is better because they are no longer a part of my day to day. You see I have realized that I tend to find myself in places where I am the person that is always helping. I am always listening to people most of the time complain about how awful their life is, or who did them wrong. Don't misunderstand I know that I do my fair share of that, but I also know that one of my best qualities is that I am a good listener. I don't mind listening, in fact most of the time I would rather be the one listening, than the one talking. But sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I just need to shut the world out, and not listen. Not because I want to be unkind to others, but because it is emotionally and physically draining when all people want to do is complain about how awful their life is.
I am not a dweller. I give myself usually a day or two when something awful happens, I talk it through with someone and then I move on. Dwelling has gotten me nowhere in life, in fact most of the time it just leaves me bitter and angry. So, I choose to keep going forward.
I am single, 37, no kids, no house, no prospects for either of those, with quite a bit of student loan debt. But those things don't define me. They could easily define me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had a husband, or at least a man that couldn't keep his hands off of me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had one person that made me their priority even if it was a child. I could easily spend my days wishing that people checked in with me more, instead of me having to be the only one to check in with them. Sometimes I admit that I do dwell on these things. I let them overwhelm me, and bring me down to the point where I want to give up, and stop trying.
The thing is that I can't let circumstances, and other people's decisions determine my worth, or control how I see the world. It is my job as a human to make this world a better, more loving place. I can't do that if I am so self focused that I spend all my time feeling sorry for what I don't have. Last year I was feeling quite lonely. So, I volunteered at the Homeless shelter in my town. It was late nights, and sometimes I didn't feel like going. You know what? It helped me to meet people in the community, and gave me a greater sense of purpose. I wasn't so lonely.
This year I am in a much better place. I am content with my job, my apartment, and my friends. I know that I have people in my life that love me and would be there for me if I called them. But they don't always reach out to me! In face a lot of the time I have to be the one to call or text, and suggest us meeting up. Sometimes that is exhausting, and I don't want to do it. But I realize that everyone is busy, living their lives, and it doesn't take that much time or effort on my part. So, I reach out and most of the time it is so much better because I did.
I want this Christmas to be about reaching out to people. But I also want to be focused on what is important. Because out of that focus will come more love, and energy for others. I believe in having boundaries, but I also think that there is no depth to the amount of times Jesus reaches out to us, right? He brings me back to himself over and over again.
So, even though I get frustrated sometimes because I don't feel like others are giving me what I am giving them, it isn't about that. My focus needs to be on what I can do for them, and giving them that from the overflow of what He has given me.
I'm going to blog everyday of the Advent Season....
Days 1 and 2 coming soon!
I often find myself contemplating, and thinking over the experiences that I have had and how they have shaped me. For the past 2 days I have been stuck in bed due to being super sick. There is no better time for all of the things that you have been thinking about to come to a head, than when you have nothing else to do, but think. So I have been thinking about circumstances, and where I see myself going in this next year.
Just like the past 4-5 years I have found that this past year has brought new people into my life, and gotten rid of some people from my life as well. Some of those I was sad to see go, and some I honestly know that my life is better because they are no longer a part of my day to day. You see I have realized that I tend to find myself in places where I am the person that is always helping. I am always listening to people most of the time complain about how awful their life is, or who did them wrong. Don't misunderstand I know that I do my fair share of that, but I also know that one of my best qualities is that I am a good listener. I don't mind listening, in fact most of the time I would rather be the one listening, than the one talking. But sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I just need to shut the world out, and not listen. Not because I want to be unkind to others, but because it is emotionally and physically draining when all people want to do is complain about how awful their life is.
I am not a dweller. I give myself usually a day or two when something awful happens, I talk it through with someone and then I move on. Dwelling has gotten me nowhere in life, in fact most of the time it just leaves me bitter and angry. So, I choose to keep going forward.
I am single, 37, no kids, no house, no prospects for either of those, with quite a bit of student loan debt. But those things don't define me. They could easily define me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had a husband, or at least a man that couldn't keep his hands off of me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had one person that made me their priority even if it was a child. I could easily spend my days wishing that people checked in with me more, instead of me having to be the only one to check in with them. Sometimes I admit that I do dwell on these things. I let them overwhelm me, and bring me down to the point where I want to give up, and stop trying.
The thing is that I can't let circumstances, and other people's decisions determine my worth, or control how I see the world. It is my job as a human to make this world a better, more loving place. I can't do that if I am so self focused that I spend all my time feeling sorry for what I don't have. Last year I was feeling quite lonely. So, I volunteered at the Homeless shelter in my town. It was late nights, and sometimes I didn't feel like going. You know what? It helped me to meet people in the community, and gave me a greater sense of purpose. I wasn't so lonely.
This year I am in a much better place. I am content with my job, my apartment, and my friends. I know that I have people in my life that love me and would be there for me if I called them. But they don't always reach out to me! In face a lot of the time I have to be the one to call or text, and suggest us meeting up. Sometimes that is exhausting, and I don't want to do it. But I realize that everyone is busy, living their lives, and it doesn't take that much time or effort on my part. So, I reach out and most of the time it is so much better because I did.
I want this Christmas to be about reaching out to people. But I also want to be focused on what is important. Because out of that focus will come more love, and energy for others. I believe in having boundaries, but I also think that there is no depth to the amount of times Jesus reaches out to us, right? He brings me back to himself over and over again.
So, even though I get frustrated sometimes because I don't feel like others are giving me what I am giving them, it isn't about that. My focus needs to be on what I can do for them, and giving them that from the overflow of what He has given me.
I'm going to blog everyday of the Advent Season....
Days 1 and 2 coming soon!
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Why the Church isn't for Singles over 30
I have been a part of church for my whole life. I can't remember a time when I didn't go to church. I always felt a part of church. When I was in junior high and high school that was where I felt the most accepted. I didn't start feeling like I didn't belong until the age of 30. You see at 30 I was still single. I didn't quite feel single in the way that you do when you are surrounded by all married people. But it was at age 30 that I started noticing my singleness more.
Young Adult groups at church were not quite the right fit, but it felt like after 30 there wasn't room for singles. Either everyone was trying to set you up, or you were supposed to just take care of everyone else's kids. I don't think it really actually started to be real to me until 33 or 34, because that is when a lot of my really close friends went from being single to being married, and started having kids. It is easy to not feel left out when you are surrounded by people that are the same as you. When you have single friends to do things with it makes community feel more accessible and closer.
My 35th year is when I really started feeling the weight of singleness, especially in the church. I felt like people looked at me and thought, why doesn't she find someone? It's simple, just go on a dating site and find someone. The thing that people don't realize is that dating has changed dramatically because of social media. Especially dating over 30. Especially Christian dating over 30. More importantly what the Church doesn't realize is that everything in church is about families. Singleness makes people uncomfortable. Especially people that have never known singleness. I'm sorry but if you got married at the age of 25 or younger, you are not going to be be able to relate to someone that is in their 30's and still single. So, please stop yourself from saying that you understand, because you don't. No, it isn't the same if your husband goes away to serve in the military and leaves you behind for months at a time. Because you still have a HUSBAND or WIFE whatever the case may be.
I am not here to have a pity party for all the singles in the church that are being ignored. I am here to advocate for the fact that there ARE singles in the church being ignored. You probably don't think you are ignoring them. You probably think you are including them. I mean why wouldn't they want to be around married couples? They need to know what marriage is going to be like for the one day when they do find someone and get married, right? When their life can actually start, right? I'm going to tell you this very clearly..... NOT EVERYONE GETS MARRIED!
I'm not trying to be harsh at all. I am just trying to help you understand that not everyone gets married, not everyone gets to be a mom or dad. This is a fact of life. Something that I struggle with almost on a daily basis to understand. The best that I have had it explained to me was during a BSF discussion towards the end of last year when I was really struggling. Someone explained it to me like this > "we were all meant to have someone, that is how we were created, but because of sin, the world is broken, thus there are going to be people that aren't able to find that person." I don't like this answer at all. In fact I hate it, but I understand it. It also helps me understand my singleness in a different way. I don't feel like I am single because there is something wrong with me, that is worse than anyone else. I don't feel like I am single because I am not pretty enough to get married. My singleness is a result of this broken world. Broken love. It is a result of us seeing sex as the end all be all, and not understanding that true relationship is a two-way street.
Does the church see it this way? Or does the church see it as a problem that needs to be fixed? We just need to plug all the single people in to small groups with married people so they know what marriage is like, and can then one day get married. Right? Then we have fixed the problem. We put a happily married couple that has been married since they were both in their early 20's in charge of the singles group, and expect that to fix the problem. The problem being singles over the age of 30 in the church. I think that the first step is to understand that singles aren't a problem to be fixed.
It isn't talked about. We all know it, because when we think about our kids we don't want them to be single. I know it, and you know it. When you plan the future for your kids, you want them to grow up, get married and have babies. I've had people say that. Actually I have even been at a conference where that was spouted out by a very well known Christian leader that I love. Her exact words were, "when my kids grow up and give me grandbabies." That is the future that our culture has created as the norm. So, when it doesn't happen for people we lump them in a category, and we kind of just forget about them. We try to include them by creating singles "groups." But when those don't work out, we just chop it up to their being something wrong with "them." We say there just weren't enough people "invested." If a marriage conference doesn't have as many couples register as we think there should be, do you stop having marriage conferences? Or do you figure out how to attract more couples? If kids aren't coming to your children's ministry, do you get rid of the ministry? Or do you figure out ways that you can connect with kids to get them involved?
The answer is that you figure out how to attract more couples or kids. But you see that is the "norm." That is what we are used to. When you step into churches that is what the majority of the people are, happily (or not so happily) married with kids. It is right for the church to minister to that group of people. I might even add that they are the easiest to minister to. Why? Because most pastors are or have been married themselves. Most pastors are parents. They know what it is like to raise a family. Most pastors have no idea what it is like to still be single at 35. Most pastors have no idea what it is like to feel like an outsider when they step inside a church building. Most pastors have never known judgement of being a single parent. I don't look down on them for that. But I am going to say this.... in order to minister to people it is best if you have gone through what they are going through. Or at least care enough to take the time to actually listen to them.
I wish that I wasn't still single at 37. I wish that I could be a mom, but that is not where I am at. So, I am doing the best that I can. I am living life, I am trying to help others, and I am reaching out to change what I can of this crazy, mixed-up world.
If you are an important member of your church, or even if you are just a member of a church (that means you are important!) Step back, and take an honest assessment of how many single people over the age of 30 you have in your church. You don't think you have any? Then that probably means that they aren't coming to church, because I guarantee they are out there. I guarantee there are a lot more single people over the age of 30 than what you or I think. But the thing is we have gotten used to hiding. We hide from the married couples because we are tired of being babysitters, or stepping into a conversation only for it to be about how your husband is leaving you alone for a week, and you just can't deal with the "single life." We are tired of hearing how you just can't seem to find time for yourself and "you are so lucky you are single, because you must have so much free time."
Guess what? I fill my schedule up, so that the loneliness of not having someone to share life with doesn't overwhelm me. I also need the money! Really though, can we stop making single people feel like they aren't good enough, or like they are being punished by God? Can we stop lumping singles over the age of 30 in the same category as college students, and young professionals. Can we start ministering to people where they are, in all walks of life? Can we start teaching our kids that if they don't get married and become parents they are still worthy? Can we change that conversation?
Churches are pushing single people away. Worth and value isn't determined by marriage or parenting. Those roles aren't in everyone's stories. Let's move towards communities that value people no matter what role they fill. Let's move towards communities that minister to everyone where they are, and lead them into relationships with Jesus that transform them. Let's move towards having pastors that have a heart for singles over 30, and have experienced it themselves. Leaders that have been there, and know what it is like. We don't have single, never-married people leading divorce-care do we? Then why would you have married, never single leading a singles ministry. I have seen it over and over again. Or there is no ministry at all, or there was one, but it fizzled out because no one was willing to step up, or maybe we didn't let people step up when they wanted to.
If I was a wife and a mom this issue wouldn't mean as much to me as it does right now. I know that, and I understand that some of you are going to read this and not understand what the big deal is because you maybe were never single. Or you have forgotten what it was like when you were single longing for marriage/kids. Because I'm in it, I'm living it, it means a whole heck of a lot to me. I want to be heard, seen, and needed. I want to mean just as much to my church as someone that is married with 3 kids. I want people to value me as a person, value my opinion, and value my service. I don't just want to be an extra.
I want that for my single friends too. I want that for every person over the age of 30 that has ever been told that they should just find a husband/wife. I want that for every person over the age of 30 that steps into church Sunday after Sunday and goes straight to the Kids' area because that is the only place they ever feel like they belong. I want that for every person that goes to church and sits by themselves Sunday after Sunday without anyone ever saying a word to them. I want that, for the church, because there is a place for everyone. No matter what your marital status, or parenting status. There is a place, because we are all a part of the community. Let's change this culture. Let's start seeing singles as more than a babysitting service for our kids, let's start making them part of our conversations. Let's stop asking people after not seeing them for awhile if they are dating someone, like that is the end all be all. Let's start figuring out how we can connect, how we can value singleness, just as much as we value marriage and parenting. I'm afraid if we don't there's going to be a whole generation of people lost.
Young Adult groups at church were not quite the right fit, but it felt like after 30 there wasn't room for singles. Either everyone was trying to set you up, or you were supposed to just take care of everyone else's kids. I don't think it really actually started to be real to me until 33 or 34, because that is when a lot of my really close friends went from being single to being married, and started having kids. It is easy to not feel left out when you are surrounded by people that are the same as you. When you have single friends to do things with it makes community feel more accessible and closer.
My 35th year is when I really started feeling the weight of singleness, especially in the church. I felt like people looked at me and thought, why doesn't she find someone? It's simple, just go on a dating site and find someone. The thing that people don't realize is that dating has changed dramatically because of social media. Especially dating over 30. Especially Christian dating over 30. More importantly what the Church doesn't realize is that everything in church is about families. Singleness makes people uncomfortable. Especially people that have never known singleness. I'm sorry but if you got married at the age of 25 or younger, you are not going to be be able to relate to someone that is in their 30's and still single. So, please stop yourself from saying that you understand, because you don't. No, it isn't the same if your husband goes away to serve in the military and leaves you behind for months at a time. Because you still have a HUSBAND or WIFE whatever the case may be.
I am not here to have a pity party for all the singles in the church that are being ignored. I am here to advocate for the fact that there ARE singles in the church being ignored. You probably don't think you are ignoring them. You probably think you are including them. I mean why wouldn't they want to be around married couples? They need to know what marriage is going to be like for the one day when they do find someone and get married, right? When their life can actually start, right? I'm going to tell you this very clearly..... NOT EVERYONE GETS MARRIED!
I'm not trying to be harsh at all. I am just trying to help you understand that not everyone gets married, not everyone gets to be a mom or dad. This is a fact of life. Something that I struggle with almost on a daily basis to understand. The best that I have had it explained to me was during a BSF discussion towards the end of last year when I was really struggling. Someone explained it to me like this > "we were all meant to have someone, that is how we were created, but because of sin, the world is broken, thus there are going to be people that aren't able to find that person." I don't like this answer at all. In fact I hate it, but I understand it. It also helps me understand my singleness in a different way. I don't feel like I am single because there is something wrong with me, that is worse than anyone else. I don't feel like I am single because I am not pretty enough to get married. My singleness is a result of this broken world. Broken love. It is a result of us seeing sex as the end all be all, and not understanding that true relationship is a two-way street.
Does the church see it this way? Or does the church see it as a problem that needs to be fixed? We just need to plug all the single people in to small groups with married people so they know what marriage is like, and can then one day get married. Right? Then we have fixed the problem. We put a happily married couple that has been married since they were both in their early 20's in charge of the singles group, and expect that to fix the problem. The problem being singles over the age of 30 in the church. I think that the first step is to understand that singles aren't a problem to be fixed.
It isn't talked about. We all know it, because when we think about our kids we don't want them to be single. I know it, and you know it. When you plan the future for your kids, you want them to grow up, get married and have babies. I've had people say that. Actually I have even been at a conference where that was spouted out by a very well known Christian leader that I love. Her exact words were, "when my kids grow up and give me grandbabies." That is the future that our culture has created as the norm. So, when it doesn't happen for people we lump them in a category, and we kind of just forget about them. We try to include them by creating singles "groups." But when those don't work out, we just chop it up to their being something wrong with "them." We say there just weren't enough people "invested." If a marriage conference doesn't have as many couples register as we think there should be, do you stop having marriage conferences? Or do you figure out how to attract more couples? If kids aren't coming to your children's ministry, do you get rid of the ministry? Or do you figure out ways that you can connect with kids to get them involved?
The answer is that you figure out how to attract more couples or kids. But you see that is the "norm." That is what we are used to. When you step into churches that is what the majority of the people are, happily (or not so happily) married with kids. It is right for the church to minister to that group of people. I might even add that they are the easiest to minister to. Why? Because most pastors are or have been married themselves. Most pastors are parents. They know what it is like to raise a family. Most pastors have no idea what it is like to still be single at 35. Most pastors have no idea what it is like to feel like an outsider when they step inside a church building. Most pastors have never known judgement of being a single parent. I don't look down on them for that. But I am going to say this.... in order to minister to people it is best if you have gone through what they are going through. Or at least care enough to take the time to actually listen to them.
I wish that I wasn't still single at 37. I wish that I could be a mom, but that is not where I am at. So, I am doing the best that I can. I am living life, I am trying to help others, and I am reaching out to change what I can of this crazy, mixed-up world.
If you are an important member of your church, or even if you are just a member of a church (that means you are important!) Step back, and take an honest assessment of how many single people over the age of 30 you have in your church. You don't think you have any? Then that probably means that they aren't coming to church, because I guarantee they are out there. I guarantee there are a lot more single people over the age of 30 than what you or I think. But the thing is we have gotten used to hiding. We hide from the married couples because we are tired of being babysitters, or stepping into a conversation only for it to be about how your husband is leaving you alone for a week, and you just can't deal with the "single life." We are tired of hearing how you just can't seem to find time for yourself and "you are so lucky you are single, because you must have so much free time."
Guess what? I fill my schedule up, so that the loneliness of not having someone to share life with doesn't overwhelm me. I also need the money! Really though, can we stop making single people feel like they aren't good enough, or like they are being punished by God? Can we stop lumping singles over the age of 30 in the same category as college students, and young professionals. Can we start ministering to people where they are, in all walks of life? Can we start teaching our kids that if they don't get married and become parents they are still worthy? Can we change that conversation?
Churches are pushing single people away. Worth and value isn't determined by marriage or parenting. Those roles aren't in everyone's stories. Let's move towards communities that value people no matter what role they fill. Let's move towards communities that minister to everyone where they are, and lead them into relationships with Jesus that transform them. Let's move towards having pastors that have a heart for singles over 30, and have experienced it themselves. Leaders that have been there, and know what it is like. We don't have single, never-married people leading divorce-care do we? Then why would you have married, never single leading a singles ministry. I have seen it over and over again. Or there is no ministry at all, or there was one, but it fizzled out because no one was willing to step up, or maybe we didn't let people step up when they wanted to.
If I was a wife and a mom this issue wouldn't mean as much to me as it does right now. I know that, and I understand that some of you are going to read this and not understand what the big deal is because you maybe were never single. Or you have forgotten what it was like when you were single longing for marriage/kids. Because I'm in it, I'm living it, it means a whole heck of a lot to me. I want to be heard, seen, and needed. I want to mean just as much to my church as someone that is married with 3 kids. I want people to value me as a person, value my opinion, and value my service. I don't just want to be an extra.
I want that for my single friends too. I want that for every person over the age of 30 that has ever been told that they should just find a husband/wife. I want that for every person over the age of 30 that steps into church Sunday after Sunday and goes straight to the Kids' area because that is the only place they ever feel like they belong. I want that for every person that goes to church and sits by themselves Sunday after Sunday without anyone ever saying a word to them. I want that, for the church, because there is a place for everyone. No matter what your marital status, or parenting status. There is a place, because we are all a part of the community. Let's change this culture. Let's start seeing singles as more than a babysitting service for our kids, let's start making them part of our conversations. Let's stop asking people after not seeing them for awhile if they are dating someone, like that is the end all be all. Let's start figuring out how we can connect, how we can value singleness, just as much as we value marriage and parenting. I'm afraid if we don't there's going to be a whole generation of people lost.
Validation and Healing...
I would say that I have been on a solid journey of healing for about 3 years now. The past 3 years have been filled with a lot of loss. A lot of people that were once really important in my life, have walked away, or I have chosen to walk away from. I don't like loss. It is hard, it hurts, and it makes me feel like I am not enough. But loss has to happen. there are times when we have to say good-bye to people, jobs, even acquaintances that aren't impacting us in a positive way. There has been a lot of that for me.
Two years ago about this time actually I would begin one of the hardest journeys that I have ever taken. It was my last year of teaching. It was a journey that almost broke me. I had things said to me that no teacher or human being should ever have said. I let it change me. I let it impact my view of self, and I let it steer me away from teaching. It is interesting to me how God works and moves even in the midst of hurt and pain. There was a point where I didn't think that my life was worth living. There was a point in that journey where I felt like leaving the church, leaving my faith, and leaving this world. Thankfully I didn't. Thankfully I had good teammates, good friends, and good family that helped me.
It has taken me the past year and a half to see that some of what happened was not because of me. Some of what happened was because of other flawed humans. I am not a perfect teacher, but I am a good one. I love my students, I have high expectations for them, and I am worthy of being respected as that teacher. Last night I was thankful to come full circle in my realization that maybe what happened wasn't necessarily about me. Maybe it was actually not even supposed to happen like that, but because we are so self-focused, we don't always react the way we should. I am not a parent, and I don't know what it is like to see my kid as perfect, but I know plenty of parents that think their kids never do anything wrong. It is a sad world where we can't own up to what people tell us about our kids year after year. But you know what? That has nothing to do with me as a teacher. It has taken me 2 years to realize this, but I finally realize it. Even though it felt like a personal attack on me, the words that were said, and the actions that were taken against me, well they were more about that person than about me. So I sit here thinking about this. I also think about the parents that are the opposite. The ones that see only the things that are wrong with their kids. The ones that don't ever give a compliment, they just nag, nag, nag. For instance my friend told me about her friend that is a parent. Through the entire game that her child was playing, all the friend did was constantly scream at her child everything that she was doing wrong. If we are constantly pointing out the flaws and trying to control the kids in our lives, stopping them from making every wrong decision, is this really teaching them? Or just controlling them? Now, like I said I am not trying to be an expert at parenting. But I am an expert at someone that is hard enough on herself without needing to hear it every two seconds from everyone else. I honestly am a critique of myself without anyone else needing to be. I kind of think we all are. Especially in the social media age we live in. Where we only see the perfect pics. Kids have enough pressure, without us trying to control every decision they make, and aspect of their lives.
Okay, so where am I going with this? The past month has brought a lot of healing in my life. People that I lost touch with, people that I on purpose lost touch with coming back into my life. Things that were said or done to me, that others have apologized for. Through all of it, I realize that these last 3 years have been a journey of healing. I still allow others to sometimes speak into my worth, but not near as much as I did three years ago. I still struggle with singleness, but it is no longer the focus of what defines me. I still struggle with loss, but I understand that sometimes people have to leave in order for healing and growth to happen.
We don't always get to feel validated. Sometimes it never happens. Sometimes it takes a couple of years before we truly understand that the truths that other people see aren't necessarily the ones that God sees. Sometimes in the quiet of going about our days, we realize that we are being transformed. We realize that behind the hurt and pain there has been this beautiful bloom that has taken shape. We realize that God has this amazing way of letting the bad change us for good.
Two years ago about this time actually I would begin one of the hardest journeys that I have ever taken. It was my last year of teaching. It was a journey that almost broke me. I had things said to me that no teacher or human being should ever have said. I let it change me. I let it impact my view of self, and I let it steer me away from teaching. It is interesting to me how God works and moves even in the midst of hurt and pain. There was a point where I didn't think that my life was worth living. There was a point in that journey where I felt like leaving the church, leaving my faith, and leaving this world. Thankfully I didn't. Thankfully I had good teammates, good friends, and good family that helped me.
It has taken me the past year and a half to see that some of what happened was not because of me. Some of what happened was because of other flawed humans. I am not a perfect teacher, but I am a good one. I love my students, I have high expectations for them, and I am worthy of being respected as that teacher. Last night I was thankful to come full circle in my realization that maybe what happened wasn't necessarily about me. Maybe it was actually not even supposed to happen like that, but because we are so self-focused, we don't always react the way we should. I am not a parent, and I don't know what it is like to see my kid as perfect, but I know plenty of parents that think their kids never do anything wrong. It is a sad world where we can't own up to what people tell us about our kids year after year. But you know what? That has nothing to do with me as a teacher. It has taken me 2 years to realize this, but I finally realize it. Even though it felt like a personal attack on me, the words that were said, and the actions that were taken against me, well they were more about that person than about me. So I sit here thinking about this. I also think about the parents that are the opposite. The ones that see only the things that are wrong with their kids. The ones that don't ever give a compliment, they just nag, nag, nag. For instance my friend told me about her friend that is a parent. Through the entire game that her child was playing, all the friend did was constantly scream at her child everything that she was doing wrong. If we are constantly pointing out the flaws and trying to control the kids in our lives, stopping them from making every wrong decision, is this really teaching them? Or just controlling them? Now, like I said I am not trying to be an expert at parenting. But I am an expert at someone that is hard enough on herself without needing to hear it every two seconds from everyone else. I honestly am a critique of myself without anyone else needing to be. I kind of think we all are. Especially in the social media age we live in. Where we only see the perfect pics. Kids have enough pressure, without us trying to control every decision they make, and aspect of their lives.
Okay, so where am I going with this? The past month has brought a lot of healing in my life. People that I lost touch with, people that I on purpose lost touch with coming back into my life. Things that were said or done to me, that others have apologized for. Through all of it, I realize that these last 3 years have been a journey of healing. I still allow others to sometimes speak into my worth, but not near as much as I did three years ago. I still struggle with singleness, but it is no longer the focus of what defines me. I still struggle with loss, but I understand that sometimes people have to leave in order for healing and growth to happen.
We don't always get to feel validated. Sometimes it never happens. Sometimes it takes a couple of years before we truly understand that the truths that other people see aren't necessarily the ones that God sees. Sometimes in the quiet of going about our days, we realize that we are being transformed. We realize that behind the hurt and pain there has been this beautiful bloom that has taken shape. We realize that God has this amazing way of letting the bad change us for good.
Wednesday, October 3, 2018
A Broken Heart
My heart is breaking day by day
Seeing the hate and mocking
Watching the way that we dismiss each other's stories
The way we put one gender on a pedestal over another
My heart is breaking day by day
Seeing the anger and violence
Not understanding why we don't open our eyes
We dismiss so easily the people that we don't agree with
My heart is breaking day by day
As I witness the hate against my fellow men and women
Hate because of differing political views
Hate because of differing skin color, and language
My heart is breaking day by day
As I search to understand how one side can claim Jesus,
yet be so hateful of the other side
I'm searching to understand, to grasp why it is okay to mock and put down
For my Jesus never did that
My Jesus wouldn't have been on that panel,
My Jesus wouldn't have laughed yesterday
My Jesus would have been for truth, real truth
Not one person against the other
My Jesus would be loving through the process
My heart is breaking day by day
I see people that don't want to love
They are satisfied with living their life in hate
I don't want to be a part of a group of people that only want to hate
That's not my belief
That's not who I am
I won't ever be for people that only want to judge, and diminish someone's story
My heart is breaking day by day
The pieces are crying out against all that tears them down
For I long to be a part of a world that is not broken
I long to be able to see a solution of unity, not division
Seeing the hate and mocking
Watching the way that we dismiss each other's stories
The way we put one gender on a pedestal over another
My heart is breaking day by day
Seeing the anger and violence
Not understanding why we don't open our eyes
We dismiss so easily the people that we don't agree with
My heart is breaking day by day
As I witness the hate against my fellow men and women
Hate because of differing political views
Hate because of differing skin color, and language
My heart is breaking day by day
As I search to understand how one side can claim Jesus,
yet be so hateful of the other side
I'm searching to understand, to grasp why it is okay to mock and put down
For my Jesus never did that
My Jesus wouldn't have been on that panel,
My Jesus wouldn't have laughed yesterday
My Jesus would have been for truth, real truth
Not one person against the other
My Jesus would be loving through the process
My heart is breaking day by day
I see people that don't want to love
They are satisfied with living their life in hate
I don't want to be a part of a group of people that only want to hate
That's not my belief
That's not who I am
I won't ever be for people that only want to judge, and diminish someone's story
My heart is breaking day by day
The pieces are crying out against all that tears them down
For I long to be a part of a world that is not broken
I long to be able to see a solution of unity, not division
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