When thoughts get a hold of you....

Tonight I'm struggling with letting things go. Sometimes you do things or feel things that you really are trying hard not to feel or do....

Do you ever have those moments?


I want to be done with the things I keep thinking,
I want to be over this and move on
But I am not sure how to do that
When I get stuck going around and around

It's the same cycle I feel, bringing me down
The wave keeps crashing as I come out to the shore
What can I do to stop it, I am not sure what's in store

My life is on repeat, it's the same feelings I've had before
What do I make of it, do I let myself feel or push them out the door?

I look at the sea in wonder, as the wave breaks again and again
Will the cycle ever end?

My heart isn't quite yet ready, but I want to believe
The past has passed for a reason,
can I let it go in the breeze?  

I step into the wet sand, 
just trying to get a taste
My feet leave an imprint that is the beginning of the ghost

As I walk out into the ocean,
the wave meets me at the wake
I breathe in the fresh air and think about what it will take

I must keep walking, against the wave
The power it holds, can't truly overtake my pain
Pain isn't made to be pushed aside, it is made to be felt, lived through and overcome

I live through the pain, and recall exactly where it might take me
My heart, my life is what it makes me

It's my choice to live authentically,
My choice to be a part of something more

To give my heart and soul, without letting the wave crash
Opening  up to truth and compassion
Living with Hope of what has always been in store

Life Accomplishments...

I have been thinking about this for awhile and I want to write down (or at least try to) everything that I have seen in my 34 years.  :)  

*Lived in Mexico, Missouri
*Visited the Gulf of Mexico
*St. Louis Zoo
*KC Zoo
*Indianapolis
*Texas
*Lived in California
*Lived on a Horse Ranch
*Worked at a Horse Camp
*Lived in Hannibal, Missouri
*Lived in Columbia, Missouri
*Worked at an alcohol and drug rehab center
*Worked in a group home
*Worked at Wal-Mart
*Started babysitting when I was 10
*Spent 3 summers nannying for various families
* Been tping
*Been floating
*Been kayaking
*Rode a camel up Mount Sinai
*Snorkeled in the Red Sea
*Been to the Taj Mahal
*Been inside the Great Pyramid
*Lived in Egypt
*Lived in Thailand
*Lived in Kuwait
*Lived in the Philippines
*Visited Vietnam
*Climbed through the tunnels
*Visited Singapore
*Visited Malaysia
*Stayed in a Bungalow on an island
*Saw water that was aqua blue
*Volunteered at a hospital
*Tried out for tennis in H.S. 
*Taught Kindergarten TWICE
*Taught 2nd grade
*Taught 4th grade
*Taught 1st grade
*Visited Holland
*Have friends on every continent, except Antartica
*Have gone hiking in 3 different countries
*Drove to Canada alone
*Have spent New Year's in Canada, Thailand, Philippines, and the U.S.
*Swam with jellyfish
*Stayed a week on two different islands in Asia
*Stayed the night in Taiwan
*Ate a worm
*Have moved every 2-3 years since I turned 19
*Taught kids how to milk a goat
*Spent 5 summers as a camp counselor
*Lived in California
*Prayed with homeless people at the beach
*Had a pass to Disneyland for a whole year
*Had a pass to Sea World for a few summers
*Took Arabic for a year
*Took Thai for a yer
*Taught kids how to milk a goat
*Taught kids parts of the ruminant stomach
*Watched a horse being born
*Watched a goat being born
*Prayed before a Horse Show
*Program Director at a camp
*Middle School Science Teacher
 

I'm sure there is more...but this is some of the list!  :)  

Being Authentic- I LOVE FOOTBALL!

Yes, I said it!  I LOVE FOOTBALL!  I always have.  I think it began as this way of connecting with my Dad...but then I just grew to love it.  I love the crowds, I love cheering on my teams (Go Pack!) and I love the game.

There is just something about sitting down and watching a football game that makes me feel so proud to be an American.  I don't often feel proud to be an American, because I think we really allow ourselves to feel superior a lot of the times, when we shouldn't.  But I will say that while I am watching football....all the American in me really, truly comes out.

Yesterday I went to the watch the football game by myself.  I tailgated with my parents, but then sat on the hill surrounded by people, yet completely alone.  It was the first time in my life, when attending something that huge that I felt okay with being alone.  Now don't get me wrong, I would have loved to have had someone sitting next to me, cheering along with me...talking about how stupid they were playing.  But I didn't have anyone that could go, or that I knew would be there....yet I cheered my team on with the other 70,000 people that were watching the game.

I cheered just like I would have with a crowd of friends around me because that's what you do at a football game.

Last year I don't know that I would have gone alone, and enjoyed it.  I would have been thinking so much about what everyone else was thinking about me that I wouldn't have had fun.

So, what's the difference?  I don't even know that I can put it into words.  I just think that sometimes you have to go it alone.  Sometimes you have to be okay with doing things because you want to do them.  Cheering on your favorite team, in person and enjoying the sun beating down on you.  Sometimes that's what it means to be authentic.  Loving the game, and not caring about what people are thinking.

I hope that I don't have to watch every game alone.  I hope that I have people that want to join me...but if not I will continue to go and enjoy it because it's fun, and I love football!  Also, because sometimes you just have to go it alone.....and live in the beauty of being authentically free. 

Technology Break...

Last week at this time I found myself just really needing to take a technology break.  I had come to realize that I spent all my spare moments checking FB, Pintrest, IG....and left me no time to just think.  I was constantly just being bombarded with all these messages, mostly political and I realized that my voice is being drowned out by all the other voices I hear on a daily basis.  

Do you keep losing your voice?  

I used to know what my voice sounded like.  It used to be a lot stronger then it is right now.  For some reason I have stopped speaking my mind.  Oh sure I like posts, and I share information that I find important, but the things that I have found as offensive, well I just don't do anything with them.  

I am not sure if this lack of voice on my part is okay.  Is it okay to just sit back and not comment?  I have to think that in some ways it is.  I have to think that in some ways it is better just to remain silent because the people that I want to go up against, well I don't know that my voice is going to be heard by them anyways.  

I find that I waste a lot of time reading comments people leave about stuff that doesn't really matter.  Take for instance the comment thread on the grand opening of Chic-fil-a here in Columbia.  

There was literally this guy who commented 3 or 4 times just to say he didn't like Chic-fil-a and he didn't want to eat there, because they weren't open on Sundays and that was bad business.  Okay, that's fine I don't really care if he eats there or not.  Here's the thing though....why does he have to comment 3-4 times saying this each time?  No one was arguing with him, no one even said anything negative to him...yet he felt the need to just keep going.  Why?  Because in this day and age we need technology in order to feel validated.  We need that little click of the button to feel like our voice is being heard.  No one was responding...and so he kept going.  He didn't care whether they responded negatively or positively...he wanted a response.  

Isn't that how we look at our worth now?  Our voice has become clicks of a button, tweet replies, shares.....those are the things that validate us.  Those are the things that have become our focus...

What if we just stopped?  What if for 1-2 hours each day we just said NO TECHNOLOGY!  How different would our lives be?  

I think I might try it.  I said I would, and then I didn't. When I think about it....am I so addicted to technology that I can't give that 1-2 hours a day to something better for me and the world?   I need it though.....I need 1-2 hours a day with only my voice, and God's voice playing in my head.  

Living in Messy Community

That word...Messy....I feel like it is the new word for this time in history.  I feel like I finally get it, along with maybe a small group of people that I am in contact with.  Life is messy, we as humans are messy.  We are all just going through this life trying to do the best that we can.  We aren't going to be perfect, we are going to fail....but isn't that what it's all about? 

Life is so messy.  

I have a messy life.  Some of it is messy because of decisions I have made, and some of it is messy because of decisions others have made.  

I can't go back and change the past, I am not sure that I would even if I could.  But I also can't continue to compare my life with those around me.  I can't continue to compare what I have gone through, thinking that I deserve so much more.  That's not really how it works, is it?  

It is not about what I deserve.  It is about where my focus is.  So many times I am so focused on what others are doing, or what they have that I lose sight of the goodness and grace that surround me.  I have so much, I have been brought through so much...yet my focus gets lost in all the wishes, dreams and hopes that I have.  

I don't have to measure up to those around me, I can be authentic in my own messiness.  

Tonight I had a glimpse once again of what being in a messy community is like...and I am excited, thankful, scared, and hopeful.  

God never fails me when I am willing to let go of those things that want to be built up around me.  He never fails to give me a loving family around me no matter how far around the globe I go.   I just sometimes fail to embrace it.  I sometimes fail to see past my own messiness and into the design that is that glob of mess.  For in every mosaic, every painting, every play, every experiment....there is so much messiness behind the masterpiece.  

Goodness comes from God.  Love comes from God.  Messiness is a part of the journey that takes us to God.  Community is where we are able to embrace our messiness and see God work. 

Time to be thankful for this messy community and embrace it.  

Looking over the Cliff...

I wanted to write a post dedicated to my 33rd year.  A post that spoke to the things I learned this past year, and who I was as a result of it.  My birthday falls at a perfect time for my profession.  It always falls at the beginning of the school year, a time when I am starting over as a teacher.  A time when things are fresh and new.  In many ways my years run from August to July, instead of the typical January to December.  I am okay with my life running this way....and Target has even come to grasp the fact that teachers lives/years start in August, not January.  So here's to reflecting on the old year, and looking forward to the new.  


I was looking over the cliff, at least that is how I felt.  As I looked down on the aqua blue water below, I thought about what I was about to do.  I could jump, there wasn't a guarantee that I would even land in the water, there was definitely no guarantee that the water was deep enough for a jump that high.  I could die, I could hit the side of the cliff, I could land in the water and be okay.  These were all possibilities.  

My life had taken a turn that I hadn't imagined.  I was broken, alone, and in a place where I only felt attacked, put down, and hated.  It was not a fun place to be.  When you would rather jump off a cliff, then face the people around you, well you know that you have decision to make. 

I like to pretend that life is perfect, that I have everything together, and that I always make the right decisions.  It just isn't true though. Life is messy, there are sometimes no matter what I do I can't be happy.  But I learned in this last year, that really happy is something that you choose to be.  It's a choice that you make.  Jumping off the cliff wouldn't make me happy.  It would be an easy fix, it would get rid of the problems for a little while, but it wouldn't change my level of satisfaction. 

So I chose not to jump off the cliff.  I chose to keep walking on the trail, to take a deep breath, and look at the good that was around me, the good that was within me.  I chose to look ahead to where I needed to go, and endure whatever I needed to along the way.  For that I came through the year learning a few things, being a little stronger, and able to love a little more. 

Here are some truths I learned:

#7   Each person you meet along your journey was put there for a reason, examine all your relationships and encounters, learn from them, receive them, and then let them go if you need to.


I am not so good at the letting go part.  I tend to hold on way past time that I should.  Once you get past my wall, you can pretty much punch me in the face and I will still want you in my life.  I spent this past year watching someone that I really cared about self-destruct.  It isn't a fun thing to watch.  It is hard, it is messy, and it hurts.  I am thankful for the people in my life, but this year has taught me that some people truly should only be in our lives for moments.  They teach us, and we let them go.


#6    My journey is unique to me. I'm not perfect, and I never will be. I choose to live my journey with grace and love. I choose to trust that every moment is a moment to treasure and learn from.

This year has taught me so much about having grace for myself.  I tend to be really tough on myself.  Guess part of that is first child perfectioness syndrome.  I want to do things the right way, all the time.  I do not want to make mistakes, and if I make them I want them to not be noticed.  This year has taught me to embrace my messy journey.  I am not perfect, and I can't be perfect.  It is my imperfections that make me unique, make me worthy of humaness, and make me love the imperfections in others more.

#5   It's okay to like change. Change is good, but so is blooming where you are planted. The balance is unique to my journey, but taking it one day at a time is definitely a huge part of a successful blooming story.

Change is all around us.  As Americans I feel like we hate change, we go out or our way to make change non-existent.  This year has taught me that change is so good.  I already loved changed, but I have learned that if we don't change, we don't grow.  If we aren't constantly looking for ways we can improve, then we can't bloom.  I want to bloom, I want to grow daily.  I don't ever want to just live.  I want blossom.

#4  Dreams and goals are there as a guideline. Just because dreams and goals change over time, doesn't make you a failure, in fact it just inspires you to never stop dreaming, or living!

Why is it that we make those that aren't married with 2.5 kids at the age of 33 failures?  I have dreams and goals that have not yet come to pass and they may never happen.  That doesn't mean that I am a failure.  This was my Jesus year.  The year that Jesus had his most successful ministry if that is the way you look at it.  Failure is failing to make dreams, it isn't when those dreams and goals change.  My hope is that every single day my dreams and goals are tweaked and changed in a creative way.  Life would be boring otherwise!  


#3  Being true to who you are is more important then having a million people following you.

My human nature wants to be known.  I want to leave a legacy, but in fact if my legacy is false and only what I think others want me to be, then how is that a legacy in the first place?  It doesn't matter how many people read this post, or comment on it.  I think what really matters is that I am authentic and myself.  This year I learned how to be more of myself.  There will be people that don't like me.  I have to be okay with that.  I have to be me.


#2 Community doesn't just happen over night. Community takes courage, perseverance, and the willingness to be authentic. Community is something worth climbing the unfamiliar mountain for.

This is one I am still learning.  Everyday I have to remember that there is so much courage to being in community.  You have to be willing to be yourself, be brave, and be willing to get hurt.  You have to keep putting people first, no matter what kind of obstacles there seems to be.  I remember about 10 years ago, I was content to be around people who were just like me.  I am no longer that way.  Community to me means celebrating those differences, climbing through the hard times together, and making it to the top of the mountain.

#1    Being authentic is about the truth that lays within. Being real, open, honest, and unique. Not hiding behind the expectations that others put on you, but instead living out the expectations you have for yourself. Being authentic means genuinely loving and living life.

This year taught me to be myself.  It taught me that even in the midst of people telling lies about me, judging me, gossiping right in front of my face, stabbing me in the back, and other things that are too hard to mention.  Even in the midst of those things, I can still be authentic.  I realized as I looked back that I really wasn't the person this past year that I wanted to be.  It was too hard to see beyond the hurt and pain and be happy.  I focused on the pain instead of overcoming it.



I choose to be authentic.  I choose to love.  I choose to use this Jesus year as  turn around point for my faith, my life, my love and the outlook I have of the world.  I choose to be happy in the midst of pain.  I choose to see from other's point of view, and love them anyway.  I choose to listen, when all I want to do is defend.  I choose to make a difference, and challenge those around me to live authentically.

This year was my growth year.  There won't be another year 33.  It was tough, it was challenging, but I made it.

I am different, I am changed, but I am still me.

Walking Through Spider Webs

I've been wanting to write this post for awhile, but just have not sat down to do it.  I feel like there is so much on my mind, especially tonight that I just need to write. 

This summer I spent my summer in Rocky Mount.  I was the program director at a special needs camp, and it changed my life in so many ways.  I went thinking that it was going to be a nice way to step outside of my comfort zone, and earn some extra money in my time off of teaching.  What I didn't know was that I was going to be stretched beyond anything that I have ever known before. 

This summer was so draining.  It was so tough.  I went in wanting to give 110% because I wanted to be the best program director the camp has ever had.  What I found out is that you can give 110% and still not live up to people's expectations. 

A few days after camp was finished for me I went on a camping trip.  I needed time to think about and process all that I had went through during my 9 weeks at a special needs camp.  I probably chose to go on this quest on one of the hottest days of the summer. 

Just the heat, a fire, my little backpacking tent, and my journal.  I spent so much time just thinking and pondering, but it wasn't until I went on a couple of hikes that I really understood the impact that my summer had on my perspective of life. 

As I walked down this trail I found myself constantly bombarded with spider webs.  I literally walked through a spider web every 2 seconds it felt like...in reality it was probably every 5 minutes or so.  As the spider webs hit me in the face and I tried to get them off I had this very real sense that this was a parallel to my own life.  The trail was my summer adventure.  The spider webs were the obstacles that I continued to face during the summer.  Stepping into the webs, was like every time I was given another task, or an unkind word.  They hung on me, annoying me.  I tried so hard to be free of them, but the webs or words just kept hanging on.  As I walked that trail, listening to nature...seeing the flowers I realized that I had given up my power.  I had given up some of myself.  I had lost track of the beauty that is camp, and only focused on the problems and words that were only meant to cause harm not good. 

Towards the end of the trail I realized that my summer didn't need to be defined by those negative thoughts/people.  My summer was what I wanted it to be.  I got to step outside of my comfort zone, and realize people with differences they are so amazing.  They love without expecting anything back in return.  They are joyful even when their life isn't perfect.  They give till there's nothing left to give. 

I choose to let the good memories stay.  I choose to remember the campers/staff that changed my life.  The ones that were there for me through everything.  I choose to allow my life to be changed.