Last weekend I spent the weekend moving my stuff back to CoMo into the house that I will be living in. When I left to move to JC it really was because I was looking for a way out of the current living situation I had found myself in, and a mutual friend knew that someone was moving back to the area that needed a roommate. So I moved to JC, with high hopes of finding the community that I longed for. High hopes of finding a place where I fit in, and could be surrounded by people that wanted the best for me.
I switched locations for my job, and my job title. I thought I was walking into a welcoming environment... but what I found was a very toxic one. So not even 6 months after I moved to JC I was looking for a new job. And I found one.... well I actually found 2, but I chose the one that would provide me with insurance and sick leave. So here I am almost 2 years later still at that job, but not in JC.
I thought this move would be super easy. I thought that I was ready... but the many drives back and forth from JC to CoMo proved to bring many tears, and cries out to God. Because even though I am super excited and thankful for this move... I still can't help but mourn for the things that aren't.
Because I thought by now I would be sharing my life with someone. I thought by now I would be financially stable enough to afford my own place. I thought by now I would have some sort of idea of what my life is going to look like in the next 5-10 years. But none of that is true.
So... the joy that I should have felt during those drives was filled with anxiety, and a little sadness.
Even in the midst of joyful things.... it is okay to mourn the things that aren't what we thought they would be.
So for me... moving.... I'm so glad that I did it, and I am so happy to be back in CoMo again... but I also know that I am in the process of once again letting go of what I thought life would be like... and embracing what it actually is.