This whole past weekend was supposed to be rainy. The forecast made it seem like we were all going to be stuck indoors for the long haul. Even this week was supposed to rain everyday. It got me thinking about life, and the future. Sometimes when we look at the future it seems like it is just going to be full of rain... it seems like we are stuck in this place of never getting what we want and prayers going unanswered. I feel like that a lot of times, especially when I am thinking about where I thought I would be in life right now. But this year, especially the last few months have taught me a lot about my faith, and the things that happen in my life. I have relied a lot on making things go the way I want them to go. If someone doesn't choose me, I take it personally and focus on what I could have done wrong. I'm reading the Boundaries book right now, and I am finding it to be very enlightening. I'm realizing more and more that I'm a pretty cool person to be around. I'm a good friend. I give sometimes to the point of breaking. So, if people want to leave my life, or not put forth the effort to get to spend time with me... well that's on them. I'm not going to push my way into anyone's life. I'm also not going to let people use me for my kindness, and willingness to be there for them.
So I have decided that sometimes when it seems like the storm will just keep going... you just have to sit it out. You have to wait, and sometimes wait some more. In the wait you realize that you don't control the storm. But you control how you react to the storm. You can either waste a lot of time and energy trying to get the storm to go somewhere else, or you can enjoy it... learn in it... and move forward when the sun comes out.
We all have emotions, and experiences that mold us and define us. We all have moments in time that we wish we would have said something, and not let that moment slip away. We all have people that we wish could see us differently, and wish they wanted us to be a bigger part of our life than we are. But the thing that keeps replaying over and over in my mind is something that was put very clearly today:
"Only what God initiates will be sustained and fulfilled." -Bible Recap
It seems to me that I spend a lot of time and energy trying to get things initiated on my own. But you know what? The right people, the right experiences, they will happen for me, not because I forced them to. There is something that I have been praying about for awhile, and although it doesn't look like it is going to happen the way I wanted it to... I am thankful for the experience, and how it has taught me to focus up. Sometimes when we hear "wait" it isn't for a yes... sometimes when we hear "wait" it is for a no. Even in the no we can learn so much... but if we are busy trying to control the storm, it is too loud to hear and focus on what we are supposed to be learning.
So I sit and wait through this storm. I think I've heard no... and I'm okay with that. It will still take time to process, and I will still probably have some doubts. But when I sit, ponder, wait, and trust the storm seems beautifully destructive of all that wasn't meant for me.
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
Untamed... book #14
I haven't been blogging about every book this year... but I really want to blog about the ones that truly impact me in the deepest way. Untamed by Glennon Doyle is one of them. I knew that I would love it as soon as I started it. I didn't really know that it would be just what I needed at this moment in my life. Words they are like such a comforter to me. It has always been that way. I few written words after an awful day and I feel just so much better. Words are definitely my love language. So as I read this book, I just let it wrap me up.. kind of like those big burrito shaped blankets that you see. I let myself be a burrito. I allowed myself to feel all the things... and because of that I am one giant heap of sobbing tears and red-faced crazy. But you know what? I would rather be crazy emotional, then be able to just push someone away like they didn't mean anything to me at all. So I take in all my feelings as I grieve a friendship that I thought would never change this drastically or come to what seems like an end. I grieved as I read.. and I learned. I learned about who I am, who I want to be, and my next steps that I need to take in order to heal from rejection.
Some of my favorite things that were in untamed weren't necessarily the quotes, but more the stories. The stories of life, love, and understanding more of who she is. We get put in boxes so early on, and we think that just because we have believed in one thing our entire lives that wee have to continue in that path. But it isn't true, is it? We can forge down a new path. We can make a life that is different from the one we thought we would be on. We can start over in a new place....
We can also unbelieve some of the things that we were taught to believe and it will be okay.
But here are some of my favorite quotes...
"I wanted to be a good girl, so I tried to control myself. I chose a personality, a body, a faith, and a sexuality so tiny I had to hold my breath to fit myself inside. Then I promptly became very sick." page 5
"I was wild until I was tamed by shame. Until I started hiding and numbing my feelings for fear of being too much." page 46
"Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that's what they're for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you're doing it right , and that doing it right hurts sometimes." page 50
"Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. This is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process." page 52
"I have learned that if I want to rise, I have to sink first. I have to search for and depend upon the voice of inner wisdom instead of voices of outer approval." page 60
"Discontent is evidence that your imagination has not given up on you." page 67
"The truest, most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one. We need to let go of the lie that it's supposed to be." page 70
"What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world's expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves." page 75
"You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy." page 93
"Brave means living from the inside out. Brave means, in every uncertain moment, turning inward, feeling for the Knowing, and speaking it out loud." page 105
"She trusted her own voice more than she trusted the voices of others. Brave is not asking the crowd what is brave. Brave is deciding for oneself." page 106
"She offered a new friendship memo: that for us there would be no arbitrary rules, obligations, or expectations. We would not owe each other anything other than admiration, respect, love- and that was all done already. We became friends." page 110
"What if love is not the process of disappearing for the beloved but of emerging for the beloved? page 128
"The moment after we don't know what to do with ourselves is the moment we find ourselves. Right after itchy boredom is self-discovery. But we have to hang in there long enough without bailing." page 158
Some of my favorite things that were in untamed weren't necessarily the quotes, but more the stories. The stories of life, love, and understanding more of who she is. We get put in boxes so early on, and we think that just because we have believed in one thing our entire lives that wee have to continue in that path. But it isn't true, is it? We can forge down a new path. We can make a life that is different from the one we thought we would be on. We can start over in a new place....
We can also unbelieve some of the things that we were taught to believe and it will be okay.
But here are some of my favorite quotes...
"I wanted to be a good girl, so I tried to control myself. I chose a personality, a body, a faith, and a sexuality so tiny I had to hold my breath to fit myself inside. Then I promptly became very sick." page 5
"I was wild until I was tamed by shame. Until I started hiding and numbing my feelings for fear of being too much." page 46
"Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that's what they're for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you're doing it right , and that doing it right hurts sometimes." page 50
"Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. This is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process." page 52
"I have learned that if I want to rise, I have to sink first. I have to search for and depend upon the voice of inner wisdom instead of voices of outer approval." page 60
"Discontent is evidence that your imagination has not given up on you." page 67
"The truest, most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one. We need to let go of the lie that it's supposed to be." page 70
"What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world's expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves." page 75
"You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy." page 93
"Brave means living from the inside out. Brave means, in every uncertain moment, turning inward, feeling for the Knowing, and speaking it out loud." page 105
"She trusted her own voice more than she trusted the voices of others. Brave is not asking the crowd what is brave. Brave is deciding for oneself." page 106
"She offered a new friendship memo: that for us there would be no arbitrary rules, obligations, or expectations. We would not owe each other anything other than admiration, respect, love- and that was all done already. We became friends." page 110
"What if love is not the process of disappearing for the beloved but of emerging for the beloved? page 128
"The moment after we don't know what to do with ourselves is the moment we find ourselves. Right after itchy boredom is self-discovery. But we have to hang in there long enough without bailing." page 158
"What if we decided that it is strength- not weakness- to let other people's pain pierce us?" -page 182
"The miracle of grace is that you can give what you have never gotten." -page 17
"Judgment is just another cage we live in so we don't have to feel, know, and imagine. Judgment is self-abandonment. You are not here to waste your time deciding whether my life is true and beautiful enough for you." page 201
"I want us to all grow so comfortable in our own feelings, our own Knowing, our own imaginations that we become more committed to our own joy, freedom, and integrity than we are to manipulating what others think of us. page 202
"Luckily, I am a woman who has learned repeatedly that while rock bottom feels like the end- it's always the beginning of something." page 213
"Blessed are those brave enough to make things awkward, for they wake us up and move us forward." page 222
This life is full of doubts and fears. We learn at an early age that we are too much, that we need to calm ourselves or people won't like us. We learn early on especially in spiritual households to be this way or that. It is too much sometimes. As I read through these quotes, they help me heal from some things.. and help me realize others. My emotions they are a part of me... being brave means understanding those emotions. Being brave means not being afraid to be exactly who I am... with all my faults. My imperfections, my passions... everything that I feel is okay. I don't have to hide or belittle myself for the sake of other's feelings. That's what this book did for me....
So thankful for these words.... read this book!
Saturday, May 9, 2020
Thrown Away....
This week has been tough for a number of reasons. I learned that I am going to be working from home until at least the end of August. I learned that I am going to have to do a lot more in July than I thought. I learned that I have to change my vacation time, that I so desperately need/want. I also learned that I'm not as valuable to people as I thought I was. None of those things are really within my control. Except maybe the vacation, but honestly I am just over it at this point.
As a 2 on the Enneagram scale I am a helper. Everything that I do pretty much is to help other people. Most of the time it is to help them without wanting anything back in return, except to be loved. If I am honest being loved and liked is very much a part of who I am. I want people to like me. I want to feel like I don't have to earn their love or attention. That I can be who I am, say whatever I am thinking and they will still 100 % love and support me. In the past few years that has proven to be false, so why would I think any differently now? I find myself in a situation once again where someone is leaving me. For whatever reason my friendship isn't good enough to pursue, and keep. My friendship is very easily being thrown away.
I have never been someone that needs a lot of good friends. I like to have friends, and I like being around people most of the time. I would say that I do get energy from being around people a lot of the time, but I don't need tons of friends. I just need a few good friends that I can turn to when I need to be picked up at 4:00 am after a volunteer party, or need to come help me when my tire is flat along a very busy road, or am just feeling lonely and need some company. The past few years have been a little lonely in the friendship department. I will get a good couple of friends, and then something happens and they will just disappear out of my life....
Most of the time they disappear because I stop trying. Not that I don't want to be their friend, but I just stop being the first one to call or text. When that happens, they slowly drift away. I find that people really like me when they first meet me and for about another 2 months after that. Then I don't know I guess I flip the "crazy tawnya" switch or something, and they find someone better to hang out with, or they no longer need me.
I'm a great listener. I know this about myself. I rarely interrupt, and I usually let other people talk about what is going on in their lives, and only mention myself if they ask. Some of that is to keep myself in a little box, but also because I genuinely like hearing what other people are going through. And trying to be there for them. This also means that there are very few times, when I actually get to talk about what is on my heart, and have someone genuinely listen.
When I think back to people leaving me...I most of the time blame myself. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me that I can't keep friends? I go out of my way to be a good friend. I listen, I drop whatever I am doing whenever they have a problem and drive however long I need to do just to be there for them. Yet for some reason it isn't enough. For some reason I can't get people to do that for me.
I have thought through this a lot, because even writing those words, makes me feel extremely selfish. Love isn't about what other people can do for you... it is about what you can do for them. But I have to ask myself…. if I am the one every single time dropping everything to listen to and be there for other people.… but there's none of that done for me..... then I don't really know that I am the problem after all.
I believe that love is about sacrifice and courage. You have to be willing to sacrifice some of your own wants and needs sometimes. You have to be willing to put other people first. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and that takes courage. Loving someone means showing them love the way they need to be shown love. In whatever way that is. But if you say for instance that your love language is doing things for people. And you are making a valid effort to do things for some people, but only when it will benefit you... then I am probably going to question your love.
I realized this week that if someone says their love language is gifts, but they have never given me a gift... then I would say I am not actually one of their top people. Or if they say their love language is time, but they never want to spend time with me.... probably not one of their top people.
I will never be someone that isn't kind. I will never be able to stop helping people... but I am getting to the point where I realize that my friendship can have different levels. I don't have to be everything for everyone… I can't. Especially when it is not reciprocated. I can't continue to put forth effort and energy into friendships that would die if that effort and energy were no longer coming from me.
So..... even though it feels like I am easily thrown away.. I have to remember that the right people will see my worth. I won't stop being kind and helpful, but I am also not going to continue to put so much into developing friendships that it seems like I'm not getting anything in return. Or the effort and love that I am giving aren't being seen as worth anything. I am a really good friend. I have my faults, but I give and love. I see the good in people, and I would do anything for anyone. So for today, I say good-bye to those that don't see my worth and look forward to the ones that will come next that do.
As a 2 on the Enneagram scale I am a helper. Everything that I do pretty much is to help other people. Most of the time it is to help them without wanting anything back in return, except to be loved. If I am honest being loved and liked is very much a part of who I am. I want people to like me. I want to feel like I don't have to earn their love or attention. That I can be who I am, say whatever I am thinking and they will still 100 % love and support me. In the past few years that has proven to be false, so why would I think any differently now? I find myself in a situation once again where someone is leaving me. For whatever reason my friendship isn't good enough to pursue, and keep. My friendship is very easily being thrown away.
I have never been someone that needs a lot of good friends. I like to have friends, and I like being around people most of the time. I would say that I do get energy from being around people a lot of the time, but I don't need tons of friends. I just need a few good friends that I can turn to when I need to be picked up at 4:00 am after a volunteer party, or need to come help me when my tire is flat along a very busy road, or am just feeling lonely and need some company. The past few years have been a little lonely in the friendship department. I will get a good couple of friends, and then something happens and they will just disappear out of my life....
Most of the time they disappear because I stop trying. Not that I don't want to be their friend, but I just stop being the first one to call or text. When that happens, they slowly drift away. I find that people really like me when they first meet me and for about another 2 months after that. Then I don't know I guess I flip the "crazy tawnya" switch or something, and they find someone better to hang out with, or they no longer need me.
I'm a great listener. I know this about myself. I rarely interrupt, and I usually let other people talk about what is going on in their lives, and only mention myself if they ask. Some of that is to keep myself in a little box, but also because I genuinely like hearing what other people are going through. And trying to be there for them. This also means that there are very few times, when I actually get to talk about what is on my heart, and have someone genuinely listen.
When I think back to people leaving me...I most of the time blame myself. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me that I can't keep friends? I go out of my way to be a good friend. I listen, I drop whatever I am doing whenever they have a problem and drive however long I need to do just to be there for them. Yet for some reason it isn't enough. For some reason I can't get people to do that for me.
I have thought through this a lot, because even writing those words, makes me feel extremely selfish. Love isn't about what other people can do for you... it is about what you can do for them. But I have to ask myself…. if I am the one every single time dropping everything to listen to and be there for other people.… but there's none of that done for me..... then I don't really know that I am the problem after all.
I believe that love is about sacrifice and courage. You have to be willing to sacrifice some of your own wants and needs sometimes. You have to be willing to put other people first. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and that takes courage. Loving someone means showing them love the way they need to be shown love. In whatever way that is. But if you say for instance that your love language is doing things for people. And you are making a valid effort to do things for some people, but only when it will benefit you... then I am probably going to question your love.
I realized this week that if someone says their love language is gifts, but they have never given me a gift... then I would say I am not actually one of their top people. Or if they say their love language is time, but they never want to spend time with me.... probably not one of their top people.
I will never be someone that isn't kind. I will never be able to stop helping people... but I am getting to the point where I realize that my friendship can have different levels. I don't have to be everything for everyone… I can't. Especially when it is not reciprocated. I can't continue to put forth effort and energy into friendships that would die if that effort and energy were no longer coming from me.
So..... even though it feels like I am easily thrown away.. I have to remember that the right people will see my worth. I won't stop being kind and helpful, but I am also not going to continue to put so much into developing friendships that it seems like I'm not getting anything in return. Or the effort and love that I am giving aren't being seen as worth anything. I am a really good friend. I have my faults, but I give and love. I see the good in people, and I would do anything for anyone. So for today, I say good-bye to those that don't see my worth and look forward to the ones that will come next that do.
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