My heart is so heavy today for Vegas. Even more so because of where the incident happened. I have walked those streets, I have been in that hotel. I have friends that frequent that area of the world often, and it hurts. It hurts that there are so many people dead and injured. It hurts because somehow it could have/ should have been prevented. I am not going to get into gun control because I don't honestly want to, and I know that a lot of people are hot over that right now. What I want to get into is thinking about other people. It seems to me that we are so wrapped up in ourselves, and what we want that we forget to look people in the eyes. We are so determined to point out what everyone else is doing wrong that we forget to see how we should be living and the changes we should be making. My heart hurts for people that lost loved ones, and my heart hurts for that man who thought this was his only hope. Who for some reason thought that this was what he was supposed to do. What I want to know is could someone have changed his mind? Was there something somewhere in his story that happened that if circumstances were different his path would have walked down a different road and told a different story.
What if he just needed to know that he wasn't invisible? What if he just needed to know that he was loved for himself, and not for anything but that. What if he just needed someone to look him in the eyes, and see him? We are so quick to be about ourselves. We are so quick to use things to our advantage, to not stop and at least try to understand where the other person is coming from. We are so quick to put ourselves first.
It's human nature to be self-absorbed, and we have to constantly check ourselves and seeing if we are making mini-gods of our own needs and wants. The hardest thing to do, is to put someone else first. I am not an expert at it, but I do feel as though I put others before myself a lot. Maybe too often. It causes me to be taken advantage of more times than I care to admit. It causes people to think they can run over me, and I just don't like living like that. So, I continue to grow in sticking up for myself. I continue to try to put others first while still maintaining that I deserve to be treated with respect, and decency.
It isn't enough to just live life, and let people do whatever they want. We weren't made for that kind of community. We were made to enrich each other's lives. We were made to love beyond what even we know we are capable of, and we were made to make a difference. We were made to help each other, be honest with each other, but most of all be kind.
Last weekend I went to Roots N' Blues, I volunteered to get in free. Then I spent the rest of my time there by myself. I did talk to some friends that I knew along the way, but I was there alone. I find that there are a lot of things I do alone. Mostly because I love volunteering, and haven't yet found anyone who wants to share in that experience with me. There were two ladies that I see just about every year. They volunteer, but they put on their application that they have to be together or they won't volunteer. In reflecting on this, I never want that to be my reality. The minute I can't do things alone, is the minute I have lost some of who I am. Sure I love company, even more when it is company that encourages me, strengthens me, and challenges me to be a better person. But I don't always have people that have the same interests as me. So, do I give up what I enjoy because I don't want to be alone? Or do I just keep living and enjoying so that I can be the best version of me?
Life is hard and confusing. There are moments like yesterday when I don't understand the world we live in and I just want all the horrible things to disappear. There are moments when I don't want to have to deal with conflict, or hurt feelings. But there are moments of greatness. Moments of snapchats, that light up my day, text messages of encouragement that help me understand I am not as crazy as people claim I am. These moments I treasure.
So I will put one foot in front of the other today, I will be thankful that I am alive. I will be thankful for the people that show me love. I will be thankful that I have a place to rest my head at night. But mostly I will be thankful that in the midst of loneliness, I never truly have to feel alone.
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