Originally when I planned to go to Kansas for this weekend, I didn't actually know just how much I would need to get away at this particular time in my life. It isn't necessarily because I feel overwhelmed, it is more because I just feel like there are things happening that I am just unsure about. Do you ever second, third and even fourth guess decisions you make. Like, thinking through every outcome just so you can make yourself crazy with all the analyzing?
As I drove along the plains, there were so many things that I thought about and prayed over. Last week I had someone tell me that I was fake, and that I post things on FB and then I am not like that at all. So ofcourse with anything when someone says something to put you down, you examine it right? You take what they say and you keep what needs to be kept and let go of what might cause damage. So the truth is that I am not always who I pretend to be on social media. I have faults, I am opinionated, I judge people when I shouldn't, I choose to drink a little too much sometimes, I don't always stand up for my God the way I should, and I definitely don't trust God with all that I should either. I try to post things that not only will encourage others, but will help me to live a better life. In that I fail a lot of times. I am quick to speak, and slow to listen a majority of the time. So, maybe this person was right. Maybe I am not who I pretend to be on FB, but also I will probably be the first person to say sorry. I also won't go out of my way to cause hurt and pain on anyone no matter what they have done to me or said about me. I help people out, and try to be there for them. I am sensitive, and love too much. So yes, I have things to work on, but I also am one of the greatest encouragers through writing you will ever meet.
So much of my journey this weekend, was letting to. Letting go of words that have been said to me in the last couple of months. Letting go of doubts that I have allowed to seep in because of people, instead of truths that I allow to overflow out of me because of God. Letting go of friendships that need to be left behind and embracing those that are important enough to me to continue to pursue, and make sacrifices for.
Another part of my journey was giving something over to God that I continue to let grab a hold of me. Do you ever have those things in your life that you want to happen so badly that you are willing to do just about whatever it takes to make them happen. But you know that if you pursue it, instead of letting it be God's timing that you will end up making a big mistake. So, I let it go, and I gave it over. I allowed my heart and mind to be at peace with the fact that what is meant to be will find its way to me. And I prayed a lot for this situation, and the person involved in this situation, and the things that I hope will come out of it. Maybe that will bring the result that I want, and maybe God has something else for me.
About this time in my journey I saw the church that I pulled over to take a picture of. It made me remember that sometimes in life I get so caught up in feeling, doing, and feeling again... that I forget to just let the drive happen. I forget that God's plans are bigger than my own. I don't always know how to let His plans be my plans. In fact a lot of times I forget to go to God altogether, but you know what that is because I am a work in progress. God knows that I am not perfect, He made me. He knows the cycles of mistakes that I continue to make, and one day He is going to break me of them one by one. But for now each mistake, each sin is a bigger chance to learn and grow in Him.
I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be focused. I don't have to know where my journey is taking me, I just have to have faith in the driver. I don't have to make sure that I cross the finish line first every time, I just have to make sure that my pace continues to be steady and straight ahead.
So for now, I keep going, knowing that around every turn there will be lessons, there will be moments, and there will be things for me to change. But my life doesn't lose its worth or value. I am always loved, and as I pass along little churches along the way I hope I continue to see glimpses of how God is working and moving, and allowing me to let things go, and grow closer to Him every day.
Sometimes I think that we come across as perfect to those around us. Or we come across as trying to be better than someone else, when really I don't think deep down any of us actually feel that way. I think that we want to be the best version of ourselves we can be. Perhaps taking the time to hate a little less, and love a little more. Taking the time to not be the driver, to not always be the first to speak, to let someone get all of their thoughts out before jumping in with a suggestion or judgment. Taking the time to get to know people on an intimate deep level, and allowing them to trust you at that level. Isn't that the hardest? Being able to trust each other with things.
I could let the fact that I have trusted people with things that I don't want others knowing dig into me. I could put myself down, feel really bad about it, and go into a dark place to hide away from that sin, guilt and shame. But instead I embrace the mess that I am. I allow God to fill that darkness with light, and I move forward on this journey. It isn't a perfect journey, I get things wrong every single day, but I try my best to look up, see light, and keep going. Vulnerability and trust, those are probably the two biggest things I am working on. I let people in that I shouldn't these past couple of years, and I got hurt because of it, but I am also better for it. I am better because I have learned a little more about sacrificial love, and what it takes to live with more of Him, and less of me.
So, if you are feeling these things, I encourage you to take a drive. Let God speak, let God listen, and be honest with Him. He knows anyways.
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