A Church and a Drive

Originally when I planned to go to Kansas for this weekend, I didn't actually know just how much I would need to get away at this particular time in my life.  It isn't necessarily because I feel overwhelmed, it is more because I just feel like there are things happening that I am just unsure about.  Do you ever second, third and even fourth guess decisions you make.  Like, thinking through every outcome just so you can make yourself crazy with all the analyzing?



As I drove along the plains, there were so many things that I thought about and prayed over.  Last week I had someone tell me that I was fake, and that I post things on FB and then I am not like that at all.  So ofcourse with anything when someone says something to put you down, you examine it right? You take what they say and you keep what needs to be kept and let go of what might cause damage.  So the truth is that I am not always who I pretend to be on social media.  I have faults, I am opinionated, I judge people when I shouldn't, I choose to drink a little too much sometimes, I don't always stand up for my God the way I should, and I definitely don't trust God with all that I should either.  I try to post things that not only will encourage others, but will help me to live a better life.  In that I fail a lot of times.  I am quick to speak, and slow to listen a majority of the time.  So, maybe this person was right.  Maybe I am not who I pretend to be on FB, but also I will probably be the first person to say sorry.  I also won't go out of my way to cause hurt and pain on anyone no matter what they have done to me or said about me. I help people out, and try to be there for them.  I am sensitive, and love too much.  So yes, I have things to work on, but I also am one of the greatest encouragers through writing you will ever meet. 



So much of my journey this weekend, was letting to.  Letting go of words that have been said to me in the last couple of months.  Letting go of doubts that I have allowed to seep in because of people, instead of truths that I allow to overflow out of me because of God.  Letting go of friendships that need to be left behind and embracing those that are important enough to me to continue to pursue, and make sacrifices for.



Another part of my journey was giving something over to God that I continue to let grab a hold of me.  Do you ever have those things in your life that you want to happen so badly that you are willing to do just about whatever it takes to make them happen.  But you know that if you pursue it, instead of letting it be God's timing that you will end up making a big mistake.  So, I let it go, and I gave it over.  I allowed my heart and mind to be at peace with the fact that what is meant to be will find its way to me.  And I prayed a lot for this situation, and the person involved in this situation, and the things that I hope will come out of it.  Maybe that will bring the result that I want, and maybe God has something else for me. 



About this time in my journey I saw the church that I pulled over to take a picture of.  It made me remember that sometimes in life I get so caught up in feeling, doing, and feeling again... that I forget to just let the drive happen.  I forget that God's plans are bigger than my own.  I don't always know how to let His plans be my plans.  In fact a lot of times I forget to go to God altogether, but you know what that is because I am a work in progress.  God knows that I am not perfect, He made me.  He knows the cycles of mistakes that I continue to make, and one day He is going to break me of them one by one.  But for now each mistake, each sin is a bigger chance to learn and grow in Him.

I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be focused.  I don't have to know where my journey is taking me, I just have to have faith in the driver.  I don't have to make sure that I cross the finish line first every time, I just have to make sure that my pace continues to be steady and straight ahead.

So for now, I keep going, knowing that around every turn there will be lessons, there will be moments, and there will be things for me to change.  But my life doesn't lose its worth or value.  I am always loved, and as I pass along little churches along the way I hope I continue to see glimpses of how God is working and moving, and allowing me to let things go, and grow closer to Him every day. 


Sometimes I think that we come across as perfect to those around us.  Or we come across as trying to be better than someone else, when really I don't think deep down any of us actually feel that way.  I think that we want to be the best version of ourselves we can be.  Perhaps taking the time to hate a little less, and love a little more.  Taking the time to not be the driver, to not always be the first to speak, to let someone get all of their thoughts out before jumping in with a suggestion or judgment. Taking the time to get to know people on an intimate deep level, and allowing them to trust you at that level.  Isn't that the hardest?  Being able to trust each other with things. 


I could let the fact that I have trusted people with things that I don't want others knowing dig into me.  I could put myself down, feel really bad about it, and go into a dark place to hide away from that sin, guilt and shame.  But instead I embrace the mess that I am.  I allow God to fill that darkness with light, and I move forward on this journey.  It isn't a perfect journey, I get things wrong every single day, but I try my best to look up, see light, and keep going.  Vulnerability and trust, those are probably the two biggest things I am working on.  I let people in that I shouldn't these past couple of years, and I got hurt because of it, but I am also better for it.  I am better because I have learned a little more about sacrificial love, and what it takes to live with more of Him, and less of me. 


So, if you are feeling these things, I encourage you to take a drive.  Let God speak, let God listen, and be honest with Him.  He knows anyways. 

40 before 40 update.....

40 before 40 update....

I know you all have been dying to see this list again!  Ha!  But I have some things to add to it!  :)  I know, I know..... you can't wait!  My latest updates are in Purple!  :)

 #1  Attend a Renaissance Festival  This happened last weekend!  It was so much fun!  My sister and I had a blast.  I loved seeing everyone, and experiencing the renaissance culture. 

#2  Celebrate New Year's in New York City and watch the ball drop!

#3  Pay School Loans down   Yay!  This is on the right track, but still working on it! I am making payments each month.  Whew sometimes it is  so hard to only spend money on my loans!  I'm still taking donations if anyone wants to pay them off for me! 

#4  Go Skydiving 

#5  Get a tattoo  I have TWO tattoos now!  Yippeee!!!!  Love my elephant and owl!   I really want another one!!!!!!

#6  Drive the Pacific Coast Highway all the way down California

#7  See a show on Broadway

#8  Get to know 5 good wine and cheese pairings, and host a wine tasting

#9  Hike some of the PCT

#10  Get in the best shape of my life

#11  Go skinnydipping  I changed this one back ;)    No updates though. 

#12  Go to an Art Museum once a year (Yikes, I need to get on this one for this year!)  Oh man!  Anyone want to go to an Art Museum with me? 

#13  Visit Napa Valley

#14  Go on a cruise

#15  Learn how to cook Risotto  (going to try to get this done before August 30th)  I need to get on this! 

#16  Go geocaching

#17  Meet a hero (Mandy Hale, Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed)

#18  Be open to new dating opportunities  (I did well with this!!!)  I am going to change this one.... Be open to new dating opportunities, but don't just take any of them, because some of them are CRAZY! 

#19  Take the ultimate U.S. Road Trip Not solo.... I need a friend or two....

#20  Read every book by C.S. Lewis  Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity are checked off!  Yay! 

#21  Learn to Knit  (Still working on this, but I am a great loom knitter)  Work in progress

#22  Take Spanish and be able to hold a conversation  (Ugh, not so great with this)  Hmmm.....

#23  Read 100 books  (Need to make my list) 

#24  Get a hair cut at a fancy salon

#25  Cook/Bake all my gma's recipes

#26  See a show at The Fox

#27  Read the Bible Cover to Cover each year

#28   Drink tea instead of coffee in the afternoon  Changing this  #28 Drink MORE tea!!!!! 

#29  Run the Bolder Boulder

#30  Watch every film on AFI top 100

#31  Go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor as recommended  (Getting better with this)

#32  Complete a 1/2 marathon

#33  Write a short story

#34  Take a 24 hour solitude/no phone retreat 4 times a year  (I didn't do this at all)

#35  Pray everyday  (More work needed with this)

#36  Donate 2% of income each year to charity

#37  Try yoga

#38  Send 10 letters a year to friends far away  (I will do this)

#39  Make something crafty and sell it  (Yay!  I did this!  )

#40  Step out of my comfort zone at least once a day.

Sometimes the fight is hard...

Yesterday I had such a great time, after a pretty crappy week.  So when I woke up went to church on little sleep and started my day I wasn't really expecting to feel the way I do today.  What happened?  Why do I feel so alone, and unable to cope with just common events?  It usually happens when I go to something that  I feel like I should have plenty of people surrounding me and I don't.  Tonight was one of those times.  Sometimes the most alone I feel is at a family event at church.  I had volunteered for two shifts so that I wouldn't have to go through that.  But then things got changed, and so I found myself walking around by myself.  Something that I can handle at pretty much any other time, except for some reason it hit me super hard today. 

I just left, and as soon as I got in my car tears just started streaming down my face.  It isn't that I feel sorry for myself, it is just that I have this deep ache inside of me that feels like something is missing.  I don't belong at family events, because I don't have a family.  I'm not a single mom, I don't have relatives or super close friends with kids.  So, I end up just wandering around aimlessly. 

So, I had to come home and think through why these feelings are hitting me all of a sudden.  It seems like every time I get close to thinking that singleness might cease to exist for me...I realize that I'm wrong.  And that is where this aloneness stems from.  The past month or so I have allowed myself to start to have hope again that there's hope of someone.  That I am not this awful person, that I am not unlovable. 

I know I am not the only one who goes through cycles like this, and I know that it is a cycle.  It will pass, and I will once again know that I am loved and valued, but for tonight I just let myself cry and pray, and feel lost in this despair of never being good enough. 

So, how do I get through this cycle.  How do I understand what God wants from me, and how to make the most of the life he has given me?  How do I get rid of feelings of doubt that I shouldn't have such high standards when it comes to relationships? 

Why does it seem like I always get things wrong?  Read too much into a text, or friendship?  Why is it that the ones I want are the ones that don't want me?  Why is it that I am single?  Oh sure we like to say that it is better to be single.  I have heard that from so many people, even this week.  I know and get why it is being said, but you know what?  Sometimes the fight doesn't seem worth it.  I mean the fight to not just give in to the urge to just go out and date like the world says you can.  The urge to just try on a bunch of losers to find the right one?  The urge to go out with someone that isn't spiritually where I need someone to be in order to not feel so alone.  Or the urge to not wait for God's timing.  Because right now I am tired of waiting.  I am tired of not having a best friend. 

How do I break this cycle?  How do I stop myself from allowing the lies that I am not worthy to keep creeping into my heart and soul? 

It starts with Jesus.  It starts with spending time praying, reading and journaling.  It starts with putting those things first instead of FB, any kind of social media, and second guessing every decision I've ever made.  But it also starts with realizing that no one's life  is perfect.  That we all have desires, and that one day I will be blogging about an event like today in a different context.  My desire for being with someone is another's desire to get one second alone.  My desire to have a family and kids is another's  desire to be able to see the world. 

I know God has me.  I know that His promises are true and real.  But I know that I have made a billion mistakes and I make more everyday.  I try too hard, or not hard enough.  I long for a best friend.  I long for the void of that best friend, that family to be filled. 

Somedays no matter what we say it isn't enough to just depend on Jesus to fill those voids.  It should be, but it isn't.  I want it to be.  Maybe this week that can be my focus.  Cut down on social media, and just look up everytime my heart and mind drifts.  Look up when I try to fill that void with things I shouldn't.  Look up when I am reading into something that doesn't mean what I think or hope it does. 

I won't give up the fight, because I can't.  I don't want to.  But maybe for today I take a deep breathe, step out of the ring, and let Jesus take the fight back.  That's the best that I can do, that's the best that he asks me to.

Aloneness, concerts, and shootings...

My heart is so heavy today for Vegas.  Even more so because of where the incident happened.  I have walked those streets, I have been in that hotel.  I have friends that frequent that area of the world often, and it hurts.  It hurts that there are so many people dead and injured.  It hurts because somehow it could have/ should have been prevented.  I am not going to get into gun control because I don't honestly want to, and I know that a lot of people are hot over that right now.  What I want to get into is thinking about other people.  It seems to me that we are so wrapped up in ourselves, and what we want that we forget to look people in the eyes.  We are so determined to point out what everyone else is doing wrong that we forget to see how we should be living and the changes we should be making.  My heart hurts for people that lost loved ones, and my heart hurts for that man who thought this was his only hope.  Who for some reason thought that this was what he was supposed to do.  What I want to know is could someone have changed his mind?  Was there something somewhere in his story that happened that if circumstances were different his path would have walked down a different road and told a different story. 




What if he just needed to know that he wasn't invisible?  What if he just needed to know that he was loved for himself, and not for anything but that.  What if he just needed someone to look him in the eyes, and see him?  We are so quick to be about ourselves.  We are so quick to use things to our advantage, to not stop and at least try to understand where the other person is coming from.  We are so quick to put ourselves first. 




It's human nature to be self-absorbed, and we have to constantly check ourselves and seeing if we are making mini-gods of our own needs and wants.  The hardest thing to do, is to put someone else first.  I am not an expert at it, but I do feel as though I put others before myself a lot.  Maybe too often.  It causes me to be taken advantage of more times than I care to admit.  It causes people to think they can run over me, and I just don't like living like that.  So, I continue to grow in sticking up for myself. I continue to try to put others first while still maintaining that I deserve to be treated with respect, and decency. 


It isn't enough to just live life, and let people do whatever they want.  We weren't made for that kind of community.  We were made to enrich each other's lives.  We were made to love beyond what even we know we are capable of, and we were made to make a difference.  We were made to help each other, be honest with each other, but most of all be kind. 


Last weekend I went to Roots N' Blues, I volunteered to get in free.  Then I spent the rest of my time there by myself.  I did talk to some friends that I knew along the way, but I was there alone.  I find that there are a lot of things I do alone.  Mostly because I love volunteering, and haven't yet found anyone who wants to share in that experience with me.  There were two ladies that I see just about every year.  They volunteer, but they put on their application that they have to be together or they won't volunteer.  In reflecting on this, I never want that to be my reality.  The minute I can't do things alone, is the minute I have lost some of who I am.  Sure I love company, even more when it is company that encourages me, strengthens me, and challenges me to be a better person.  But I don't always have people that have the same interests as me.  So, do I give up what I enjoy because I don't want to be alone?  Or do I just keep living and enjoying so that I can be the best version of me?


Life is hard and confusing.  There are moments like yesterday when I don't understand the world we live in and I just want all the horrible things to disappear.  There are moments when I don't want to have to deal with conflict, or hurt feelings.  But there are moments of greatness.  Moments of snapchats, that light up my day, text messages of encouragement that help me understand I am not as crazy as people claim I am.  These moments I treasure. 


So I will put one foot in front of the other today, I will be thankful that I am alive.  I will be thankful for the people that show me love.  I will be thankful that I have a place to rest my head at night.  But mostly I will be thankful that in the midst of loneliness, I never truly have to feel alone.