As I sit here typing this I am listening to a podcast on Singleness. There are so many things in this podcast that I am latching on to that I want to share, but really I don't even know how to understand all that I am learning. What I do know is that I am constantly trying to fight the fear I have of being alone forever. Yet, that is not my greatest fear. I don't fear being alone. For I don't ever truly feel completely alone. I know that I have a God that loves me, I know that I have people in my life whether they are here or across the ocean that I could call up, send an email to, or message and they would be there for me in a second. I know that God ALWAYS provides for me in way of community. Every single time I am praying for Him to show me what community means, He goes out of His way to help me see all that I have, and all the people I have. He always shows me what it means to live in community. Sometimes community shifts, sometimes there are misunderstandings, but I have grown through those times too.
I long for marriage, for that one person to come in to my life that I just click with, but I also have come to the realization that I don't want to give up my calling because of it. I also don't want to be looked down because of it. No matter how many times I say that singles in their 30's-40's don't feel welcome in the church I don't think we are still getting it. I think that there is still this misconception that the best thing to do with singles is to try and marry them off, or give them extra ways to serve in the church because they don't have as many "responsibilities" as their married counterparts.
But I think that it starts with me. It starts with me not looking down on my life or myself because I am single. It starts with me not allowing the words that I have been called by those that rejected me, "whackadoodle," "piece of shit floating down the river," "golddigger" just to name a few to not keep replaying in my mind. It starts with me understanding that I am not going to ever be perfect, but I was made perfect for the work I am to do on earth. I was made perfect for those that are in my life.
I don't want to pretend like every day I am just fine being alone, because not everyday is easy. Not everyday do I wake up thinking that I am SO glad to be single. But you know what? I don't mind the life that I am leading, in fact I am happy. I am thankful for the opportunities that I have, and I don't look down on my singleness as something to be scoffed at. I don't look down at my role as something that is lower than those around me that are married and trying to raise kids.
My life doesn't have less meaning because I am single. Nor do I have less of an impact on this world. One day I hope and pray that God brings someone into my life with the same desire for the nations that I have. Someone who would jump on a plane at a moments notice to go share His love in the deepest part of the world. To sacrifice time, money, and a comfortable life for furthering the Kingdom. That's my prayer and hope, but until then I will be thankful for my singleness, and I will keep showing the church how to welcome singles. I will keep having conversations with my married friends, teaching them that saying "God's timing" doesn't really help. Guiding them to understand what it truly means for singles over 30 in the church to be accepted.
For my greatest fear isn't being on my own. My greatest fear is that I will allow my singleness to become a bitter way that I keep myself from loving God with my whole heart. My greatest fear is that I allow my singleness to become my focus, instead of my desire to go to the nations. My greatest fear is that I forget who my King is and replace Him with something that is less than. That is my greatest fear.
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