I have moments in life when I do things that I instantly regret, because I am scared to death that one thing will be enough to send someone running in the other direction. Why does it scare me so much? Probably because it has happened. Probably because we live in a world of messed up relationships. A world where we want to be the boss, be in control, and have everyone agree with everything. We want everyone to see life, see the world the way we do. We give in to the fear of being rejected or alone, and allow ourselves regrets for what was said or not. We compare ourselves to this person or that person, and we forget that it isn't actually about any of that.
I was reminded again today how easily it is for me to do things that I instantly regret. A word here, a look there. Or maybe it is just the words of self-doubt that I allow myself to continue saying over and over again, instead of truths that will build me up. The words that I allow to echo in my mind as I try to push past them and live the best way that I can.
For some reason when I always think about putting God first, it seems like that means that I have to be in this lowly position. That I have to allow myself to not feel as worthy as others, or continue to compare myself to them. I feel like I am required to just let people beat me down, believe them when they tell me or show me I am not good enough, and ultimately let their words run my life.
These past few days the more I have thought about and pondered what it means that Jesus is greater, I can't help but think that my journey in this area has only just begun. My life is too busy. I can't be busy every night of the week, and still take time for prayer, reading, and pondering. I can't fill every spare moment I have with people, and events, and keep Him as greater. My life needs to be less focused on what I look like to everyone else, and more focused on the only one that truly matters. For as long as I keep going on empty. As long as I keep trying to fill every second of my day with things that aren't growing my relationship with Him, I will just keep feeling empty and unsure. I will just keep seeing every action as a mistake.
It is through growth and time with Him, I will be the best version that I can be. Not filling every second of my day with stuff to do, doesn't mean that I am less worthy or popular. It simply means that I need Him to be in control of my life more so than I need my own self to be in control. I need to be able to stop, breathe, and just be sometimes.
I need His love, grace, mercy to be at the foremost of my being. So that my selfish, harshness is constantly being changed and deleted. One day I hope that all people see of me is Him. Until that day I have to just do the best that I can, knowing that my mistakes only make Him love me more.