The past few months have been a whirlwind of emotions. Trying to wrap my mind around all that was happening. The ups and downs, the insecure moments of regret, and the hopeful moments of surrender. In the quiet moments I have felt a move in my heart, a tug to go forward and take risks. That's what this year was supposed to be about...taking risks. When I declared this to be the year of risks I had no idea what that would exactly mean. I had no idea that a little over a month into this year I would be in the midst of some major life decisions, that involve a lot of risk.
How do you make life decisions? For me I ponder it, pray about it, listen to the advice of others... but ultimately I go with my gut instinct...what makes me truly happy! And what does make me happy?
It makes me happy to know that I am valued, loved, respected, and needed. Have you ever left a place, or a group of people and wondered if you really mattered? I have, a lot lately it seems. Sometimes I find myself in the midst of people that only wish I was a different person. That only want me around when it is convenient for them, or when they feel in a certain mood. I don't like doing life half-heartedly. I don't like it at all, and I refuse to, actually. So, there comes a time when you have to examine if you are on the right path. You have to look at your happiness, at your role, and the people that surround you and ask yourself if you are living the life that you are supposed to?
There's not always going to be a clear answer. Sometimes it is foggy, and tough to see the mountain that is just over the next hill. But it is there. The mountain is there, the mountain that you must climb to get to the top, majestic, beautiful view that is waiting. The view that will allow you to understand the journey, all the sweat and tears. All the heartache and pain. The view that will allow you to see the very breath of God.
Sometimes it isn't even about the people, sometimes it is about your view of the people. Or your view of what you think you know of the people. We all play a different role in life, among friends. We all play a different role everywhere we go. We try our best to be authentic, we try our very best to be the best version of ourselves, but we don't always win. We don't always understand. But we always know when it is time to move.... We always know....
Moving on isn't a bad thing. In fact I think sometimes we stay too long because we hate to risk. We are afraid of letting God be in control of the future. We like our lives just the way they are safe, and sheltered. Afraid of the pain and unkind things that are out there. We get scared because moving on requires a loss of the things we have known. It requires faith that things are going to work out better than they have been, and it requires healing. Healing from pain, healing from brokenness, and healing from growth. Sometimes I think we would rather stay bruised and battered, than heal. Healing means that we admit the pain, and let it go. Isn't it sometimes hard to let pain go? As humans don't we like to wallow? I know I do. Sometimes I get so stuck wallowing that I forget in order to heal those bruises I have stop wallowing, and move forward.
I also think that sometimes I convince myself that I can't move on. I convince myself that I just have to keep pushing through, allowing others to break me, to put me down, to see me in the worst possible light. Is that what life is about? I don't really think so. I don't think we are called to live life in one place forever. Maybe some people are, maybe there are those that are supposed to settle down, build a life, and never leave that life. I don't think I got those genes. Instead I think that I have been given the gift of travel, and unique community. A gift that is unique to my life, and allows me the desire to move on. The desire to take what I have learned both good and bad, and walk in it. Lead with it, let it move me to compassion. Let it break my heart for those that claim to believe one way, but don't choose to walk in it. A gift that lets me see people as people, not terrorists, unwanted aliens, or crime-focused thugs. That is my gift, that is why I choose to process to move on.
I have so much to give, and I am not going to allow anyone to take that from me. I am not going to allow the bad to outweigh the good, or make myself feel unworthy of love. I refuse to just be another teacher, friend, daughter. I choose to change the world. I choose to use my gifts. I choose to live as a daughter of a King. I choose to love without borders. I choose to move on, and give all that I have to be the best that I can. That's my goal, and that is my reason behind moving....