Well it seems that my blogging goal is not going to be completed this year, but what can I say it has been a crazy year already! I've missed a lot of days due to sickness, and then school has just been out because of snow, and other things. It is crazy how time has flown by. The days are slow, but the weeks are SO fast.
What brought me here today is a need to just word vomit everything that is inside of me. I'm not going to post this to my FB wall, or tweet it out. So for those lucky few that still actually follow my blog, you are probably going to be the only ones that read it!
I'm in a funk. It's not a place that is unfamiliar to me, but it is a place I haven't been in awhile. A place where I feel less than. A place where I am questioning my worth and what I am doing. Not because I am not good at it, but because it feels lonely. It feels SO lonely. I actually had thought that I had found a place where I could be myself, and thrive. A place where I was going to be surrounded by friends, and people that loved each other, supported, and encouraged each other. But I'm finding that's not really the case. It hurts me, and makes me sad... but it doesn't really surprise me. Maybe this is every school right now? Maybe we are too busy, and self-absorbed that we can't remember or make time to check on other people. I literally feel like I could die tomorrow, and life would just continue, someone would take over my classroom, and people might shed a few tears, but that would be it. And somehow I am surprised by it. I want more. I want deeper friendships. I want co-workers that call me, and text me because they want to know how I am as a person not just to ask me a question about my class.
This week I was sick, like really sick. Other then my team texting me because they were helping me out for lesson plans, etc (which I am super thankful for) only one person reached out to see how I was doing. And only a few more asked, but that was only after I reached out to them, or posted on my FB wall. I know that I think about others way more then the average person. I know that. So I know that my expectations for people reaching out are abnormal, but shouldn't we expect that? Like isn't that part of a school family. If we call ourselves that then shouldn't we be touching base with those around us especially after the 4th day that they are out? Or even just friends, like shouldn't we be asking people how they are doing? Are we so busy that human kindness is just out the window.
I don't do things so that others will give back to me. I learned a long time ago that is not how it works, and even more so in the last couple of years I have realized that people are just selfish. I can't change that, and I am going to try to change my expectation. But let's be real, I will always expect people to think about others the way I do. I want people to check in, and make me feel like I'm missed, that they care about my well-being. I can't make them though, and I know that.
Another conversation I had made me feel like I am not a good enough teacher. I feel like this person is ALWAYS trying to one-up everyone around them. Always. Their last school district will always be better then ours. They are always leading the charge in their students doing the best or making the most progress. I wish that I didn't feel this way about this person, but I do. I wish that I hadn't trusted this person so completely. I want to take back the things that I have confided in them, because I don't think they are as trustworthy as I once imagined them to be.
So where do I go from here? My instinct is to just start pulling back from everyone. To just do what I need to do at work, and be civil but not go beyond that. If I'm honest that's what I probably will end up doing. Mostly because I'm tired. I'm tired of working so hard to develop genuine friendships with people only for it to not be what I wish it was. I'm tired of the constant competition among people. The constant need for people to try to be better then me. And I'm not going to do it. So that might look like I go into a shell for awhile. I don't know, but I need to do what's best for me.