2020... not the worst

 We all know that 2020 hasn't exactly been the year that we imagined  back in December 2019 when we were making all those lists and imagining all that would come out of this year.  But as I sit here and think about all that 2020 hasn't been... I really am pretty thankful for all that 2020 has been.  

I've learned who my real friends are.  I don't have a lot of them, and they are each different in their own way... but I have learned who is there for me.  This year has allowed me to draw closer to my family like never before and rely on them.  I have learned that those that make the effort, aren't always doing it for the best motives.  I have also learned that those that don't make the effort, still might be worth it, but you just have to be careful.  

This year has brought a lot of changes with my job, the biggest being working from home.  Honestly I have enjoyed working from home.  Sure it has its moments, but honestly I'm thankful.  Because of working from home I was able to get a dog, and move.  Two things which have proved to be really great. 

I have had more Saturday's free then I thought I was going to.  I have been able to go camping/hiking a lot more, and that is something that truly does help me feel happier.  

I've been able to become stronger in 2020.  Things that would have broken me a couple years ago, haven't had that affect on me this year.  They have still affected me, and I still have had moments of being sad, and not understanding why people don't love the same way I do.  But I'm thankful that each year that goes by I get better at letting things go that need to be taken on.  

So as I think about 2020.  I don't think it was this awful year.  I think that it was a defining year.  It was the year that I finally let something go that I have been hoping for.  Something that has consumed me, but I know it will never be, and maybe it was never meant to be and I just read everything wrong.  But as I pass into the next year, I'm leaving it behind.  I'm letting it go, as much as it hurts me to.  This year helped me know that I am okay just as I am.  I am someone that people should welcome into their life, and try to keep me.  If they don't then we were just meant to be for a little while, not forever.  

So here's to another month of being defined... and looking to the good.  I hope 2021 brings a few specific things... but if it doesn't.... I'm sure that I will learn something.  And that's what counts!   

Where I am with Dating, and the prospect that I will one day have a husband

 A couple months ago I was connected with a man that I immediately found myself liking.  He was cute, he had a great sense of humor, had faith in God, he was a pursuer, and he liked me as more then a friend or someone just to mess around with (or so I thought).    These five things never seem to all be in one package.  Either I get one, a couple... or none!  But rarely do I ever meet someone that has them all.  

I was immediately impressed, and due to being impressed I think I overlooked red flags that I normally would have seen as a huge sign.  So I let him in.  I talked about my family, I let him get to know me.  I dreamed about things that I haven't let myself dream about for awhile.  And they were things that I actually thought... "Oh this could really happen!" " This might be it!"  

And he pursued me... at least that is what I thought he was doing.  He drove to me (this one is a big shock, very rare!) he genuinely seemed to enjoy my company.  He texted me in the morning when he got up, and in the evening before he went to bed.  He talked about future plans.  

And then.... crickets!  Absolutely he just stopped talking to me, stopped making the effort.  Without any kind of warning or reason behind it at all.  A few years ago this would have wrecked me.  I would have worried over it, fretted about what I did wrong (and don't worry I still had some of those moments).  But a few years ago, I would have went into this deep depression because I wasn't good enough for him to even be honest with me.  

But I didn't  do that.  Instead I let a week go by, and then I messaged him, and told him that he could have at least told me he wasn't interested instead of just ghosting me.  

He sent a very rude GIF back... and that's the end of that.  

But it really isn't, because this is not the first time this has happened.  It's the first time in awhile that is happened with someone that I actually saw myself with longterm.  It's the first time that I let my guard down a little more quickly then I normally do.  It's the first time in a long time that I really had hope that there were still good guys out there.... 

Then BAM!  The door closes and I am standing behind it wondering how the heck I opened it so quickly in the first place.  

I'm okay that it didn't work out, because that is not the guy for me.  I'm okay if there is never a guy for me, although I want there to be.  I want to be married to a man that is my best friend.  That I can be as sarcastic as possible with and he doesn't run away.  I want to be married to a man that sees through all the defenses that I put up, that sees my insecurities and instead of making me more insecure... he makes me less.  I want all of that... and so if this guy wasn't going to be that then I am glad that I didn't waste my time.  

But it frustrates me, makes me angry, and hurts me that this is the dating world.  In his mind he owed me nothing.  And maybe he didn't... maybe I expected too much from this guy that I had only known for a short amount of time.  But I am worth being pursued. I am worth someone taking the time to break down every wall I have built.  I am worth someone wanting me for all that I am... the crazy side, the compassionate side, the side that feels WAY too much, and the side that makes stupid jokes when someone is trying to compliment me.  And so many more sides....  

That's not the case though... because we have made dating something that is just this awful experience.  And no one knows how to make a commitment and stick with it.  Like how to just date one person at a time, and not already have the next person lined up, before you have even made it through the first date with the girl you are with.  I'm guilty of it too, and I don't like it.  

So... I am giving up on dating.  I have said this a billion times, but I'm done.  I don't know how I am going to meet my future husband, or even if I will.  But it's going to have to be without a dating app.  Because I just can't open up to these men that don't really want to get to know me, they just want something else.  I'm done with trying to be this version of who they want me to be... only to discover that I look better on "paper" then I do after they have spent more time with me.  

So... give it up... the idea that this guy is out there that might want to be in my life forever, as more then just a friend...  because maybe it isn't meant to be for me.  Maybe I am meant to just live life on my own.  And that will have to be okay.  

Blogging through 2020

 I haven't posted a blog in awhile.  I was supposed to be blogging once a week since my birthday, which was at the end of August.  But I find myself in a place where I just can't seem to write.  I'm not sure the reason.  Maybe because work has been crazy busy.  Maybe because I can't find myself excited about much right now with the current state of the world, and especially our nation.  Or maybe I just lack motivation.  

I'm going to try to blog once a week  for the rest of 2020.  Because I do enjoy it, even if no one  reads it!  It's also a place for me to put down words that I can look back on later on.  

So....  here's to making a genuine  effort to blog once a week for the rest of 2020!