True Friendships....

 Sometimes the people that we think are our real friends, are the ones that are really just using us.  And then those that we thought were just going to be there till they found someone better are the ones that end up being the best ones to keep around.  They end up being the ones that we can be honest with.  The ones we can send chats to after too much wine, and they don't hold it against us.  The ones that can tell us that we are being dramatic, and the ones that push us to be the best version of ourselves.  

I don't have too many real friends.  The kind of friends that still call me on the phone.  The kind of friends that make the effort to make plans or invite me over.  Those are few and far between these days.  But I am thankful for the few that I have.  I am thankful because they show me love that never ends.  They accept me on the days when I have nothing in me but insecurities.  They accept me on the days when I am grumpy and can't seem to get over it.  They accept me on the days when I don't want to help anyone, on the days when I just want to be selfish, and look inside instead of out.  They accept me and love me for just being who I am.  

Someone came back into my life around this time last year.  Someone that I had pretty much written off as ever being my friend again, just because of circumstances, around both of our lives.  This person has shown me friendship.  It's not always how I want it to be, but it is always how I need it to be.  This person continues to love me, even when I mess up.  Even when I call them out on their bullshit.  This person sees the worst of me, and still wants me in  their life.  I will never know why God gave us a second chance at being close friends, but I am ever so thankful that he did.  

Friendships don't always look how we think or want them to.  Some friendships are for the everyday.  But a lot of them breathe in and out again.  They are there for a little while, and then they go silent to rest and strengthen in the silence.  

Sometimes I look at it, like I look at my relationship with God.  I don't always feel like God is close to me.  Sometimes He feels very quiet and very far away.  But He never stops loving me.  He never stops caring for me.  He never stops working, and moving my heart closer to His.  

So maybe your friendships don't look the way you think they should.  Maybe you have lost a lot of people that you thought were going to be the forever kind of friends.  Just know that if you have at least one person who you can count on to tell you truth, and call you every now and then... I think that is enough.  

It may not feel like it sometimes... but it is!  

Garage Sales.... why I love and hate them.

 I was fortunate enough this past weekend to be able to put some stuff in a garage sale at a friend's house.  I made some money, and in the process learned some things.  No matter how low you put the price on your stuff, people always want to pay you less then the actual value of it.  Garage Sales are no fun, and the rain makes it worse.  People will come out in the rain for a good bargain.  

Let's go back to this learning experience about the pricing.  I am a pretty honest person.  I feel like even though I have spent time overseas, and bargaining is the way that you get things in most shops... I have never liked it.  Ever.  Because I don't want to put a value on something that you have.  Right?  It's like just wrong to me.  I don't enjoy going back and forth trying to determine what something is really worth.  People's livelihoods are riding on what we pay sometimes.  I mean I bought groceries with the money I made this weekend.  I was able to buy real food and I am so thankful for that!  

I think that is why garage sales just make me crazy.  Things that I put $2 on, people only want to pay a $1 for.  They automatically assume that I am just trying to get rid of it, and so they can just name a price and I am going to be willing to go with that price.  But I mean shouldn't we be willing to help someone out.  Why is this a part of garage sale culture?  Why?  I hate it.  

I feel like we do this a lot with people.  Someone tells you or shows you that they need to be valued in one way.  That they need to be loved in this one way.  And then you come in and say... oh but can't I just do this... and that should be enough?  

But it's not.  Why is it that we are always trying to get the better of others?  Why is it that we can't just say okay... you want me to show you love in this way?  No problem!  I will do that.  

That's just what I got out of the experience.  I am going to try my best to show love to people how they need me to.  

And I will probably never ask for a different price then what you put on your items if I buy something from you at a garage sale!  Ha!  

Moving.....

 Last weekend I spent the weekend moving my stuff back to CoMo into the house that I will be living in.  When I left to move to JC it really was because I was looking for a way out of the current living situation I had found myself in, and a mutual friend knew that someone was moving back to the area that needed a roommate.  So I moved to JC, with high hopes of finding the community that I longed for.  High hopes of finding a place where I fit in, and could be surrounded by people that wanted the best for me.  

I switched locations for my job, and my job title.  I thought I was walking into a welcoming environment... but what I found was a very toxic one.  So not even 6 months after I moved to JC I was looking for a new job.  And I found one....  well I actually found 2, but I chose the one that would provide me with insurance and sick leave.  So here I am almost 2 years later still at that job, but not in JC.  

I thought this move would be super easy.  I thought that I was ready... but the many drives back and forth from JC to CoMo proved to bring many tears, and cries out to God.  Because even though I am super excited and thankful for this move... I still can't help but mourn for the things that aren't.  

Because I thought by now I would be sharing my life with someone.  I thought by now I would be financially stable enough to afford my own place.  I thought by now I would have some sort of idea of what my life is going to look like in the next 5-10 years.  But none of that is true.  

So...  the joy that I should have felt during those drives was filled with anxiety, and a little sadness.  

Even in the midst of joyful things.... it is okay to mourn the things that aren't what we thought they would be.  

So for me... moving.... I'm so glad that I did it, and I am so happy to be back in CoMo again... but I also know that I am in the process of once again letting go of what I thought life would be like... and embracing what it actually is.