This will probably be one of the most real and hardest posts that I have ever written. If suicide is a trigger for you in anyway, please don't keep reading this blog.
I had a breakdown this past week. Like a complete breakdown, that has been weeks, maybe even years in the making. It stems from years of self-doubt and insecurities. From words that have been said to me, about me directly and indirectly. Words that I continue to play in my mind because I am a pleaser, a feeler and an empath. Up until recently I don't even think that I would admit to having anxiety, but I honestly think that I have finally put a name to what I feel when I physically feel sick from thinking about certain situations and people.
I have spent most of my life behind someone else. I was never the leader, I was always the follower. I also never felt pretty enough, skinny enough, or good enough for anyone. Now I am not going to get into whose fault that is, or place blame on a situation or person. I just think that for whatever reason my life circumstances created in me a negative outlook. I saw myself as not enough. Not a good enough daughter, not a good enough sister, not a good enough friend, not good enough to date, just not enough.
This has been the driving force in most of the decisions that I have made, and people that I have invested in. Even in my family I have often felt like I wasn't who they had hoped I would be, more so my extended family than immediate just to be clear. Sometimes I think we are born with certain frames of mind. For whatever reason I have to force myself to not go down into the hole where I literally feel like I could disappear from the face of the earth and no one would care. I have to force myself when I get in those types of frames of mind to go back through my experiences, the people that I have met and see the love.
Every time someone stops texting me back, or I always have the be the one to go to them, somewhere in the back of my mind this little tape recorder plays this... "you are not enough." Even if it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with where they are in life. I take that on... I analyze everything that has been said to me, and I internalize the rejection as something that is wrong with me. I used to think that I was the only person who did that, but I know I'm not. I know that we are all filled with those types of rejection, that try to steal our worth.
The difference is that for a lot of people at least at some point in their lives that have had someone who was always there for them even in the midst of those moments of self doubt and insecurity. It is quite often that I feel alone in a crowded room. It is quite often that I say something sarcastic because I honestly just don't know how to truly let people in past the wall that is so close to my heart I am not sure if anyone has ever truly broken it down. Because to be honest the last friendship that got close ended up wounding me past repair. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of that rejection.
What am I getting at here? For my birthday I am raising money for a Suicide Prevention Organization. Now...I don't have a story of how they helped change my life. Because they didn't. I do have lots of stories of when I have almost been to the point of needing them to help me. I have lots of times when I felt like because I don't have a family of my own (husband and kids) that I am not important enough to our society to matter. I'm not alone, I know that many people have had my same thoughts.
What keeps me going? It's moments like this past weekend, when I had people see me in one of the worst places mentally that I have been in for awhile and still love me. It's the times when someone takes off work to take me out for a birthday dinner, or randomly sends me a message to tell me how important I am to them. It's those moments, when someone shows me that I am enough by just being me. Sometimes it feels like those moments are few and far between.
I have lost a lot of friends in the past few years. Some because they chose other friends over me. Some think I am too much. Others I am not even really sure what happened to be honest. Finally others it's just time and distance that have separated us.
Here is what I am getting at.... I finally had to come to terms this weekend with the fact that we really never know what someone has gone through or is going through, and we just have to be ourselves, and the right people will love us through whatever kind of mess we are. Also, I'm alive for a reason, even if it is not societies version of why I should be alive. I'm making a difference in lives around me, even if I don't fit the vision that I grew up believing was the most important. It is a day-by-day process though, and it's okay I just have to remember on the days I feel less than, that there are people who need my love and friendship that wouldn't have it if I wasn't here.
Real friendship, real love sees the weaknesses, and chaotic messes, and loves anyways. Real love and friendship makes time for those connections, and sometimes that means taking a break for awhile. Other times it means driving 8 hours to spend 2 and then driving back.
Sometimes we have an experience that transforms how we view ourselves. I won't go into the details, but I can say that I am super thankful for a new view of life and how I see myself in it. We don't always get the happy ending we expected, but when we have people in our lives that are willing to be there for us, no matter what role they have... that's enough. Because it turns out that there is a better happy ending waiting just around the bend.
This world is a lonely place, and it is full of stress, rejection and loss. If you feel so inclined, find my birthday fundraiser and give money to an organization that is trying to help those that aren't able to get out of that pit on their own. I know that if I ever get to that point, I want someone to be there for me.
We say all the time... why didn't they just reach out. Here's the thing... I have spent many moments smiling, making jokes and laughing when I wanted to cry and scream. Many moments surrounded by people when I felt like I could just walk out of the room and no one would notice. It is an awful feeling. We can do better, for our friends, for our family and for ourselves.
Breaking down and being vulnerable is something that I am not good at. But when it does happen I know that I have held too much in for too long. If that's you too... take the time to think through those moments when you have felt loved. Write them down, go back to them, and know that you are here for a reason. Every single day someone needs your smile, your touch, your encouragement.
So today starts a new day, and a new perspective. When you find people that truly love you, do what you can to hold on to those friendships. Do what you can to make the people of this world know what they mean. We aren't guaranteed a tomorrow, so let's help each other through the stress and misunderstandings of today. We owe it to those that we have lost from suicide, and those that try to take their lives everyday. It is an awful way to live, thinking that you don't matter to the world, that you aren't loved, or needed. If you are reading this... know that I am so thankful for you...whatever role you have in my life and this world needs you. Needs your smile, needs your light, needs your laugh, needs your presence. Thank you for what you do to make this world better.
