Have you ever gotten in a place where you are happy, yet you know that there is more to your life than just going to work, going home feeling exhausted, and going to sleep. Sometimes I find myself in this zombie-type existence. I feel like I am watching my life slip right out of my hands, not really doing what I feel called to do, and wanting my passion and zeal for life back. I took a new job that is completely different from anything I've ever done before. It was overwhelming at first, as most jobs are. But it is also really easy. There is not a whole lot that I can do to mess up as far as ruining anyone's life. Yes, I could definitely make a mistake that might impact someone, but most of the mistakes I make could be fixed and I am able to pass the "tough" calls to people that get paid more than I do to handle those situations. But it is not my passion. I am thankful for it beyond words and the people that I work with, but I know that it is temporary.
Sometimes I think we feel like we have to be stuck where we are because it is scary to step out of the box that we have taped shut. It is scary because we oftentimes feel uncomfortable, and unsure of ourselves when we are in a new environment. That is what starting this new job was like. It was scary, it was hard, but it was necessary. I may not have my passion and zeal back, but I am building up who I am again, and who I want to be. I don't have to worry about people criticizing every single thing that I do. Sure I have certain numbers for my calls that I have to meet, and expectations that are put on me. But, I don't go home every day feeling like I have failed. I don't go home every day wondering what person is going to email me or call me to tell me how horrible I am. Maybe it seems like I might be exaggerating, but I don't feel like I am. Take a moment to tell the people that help you out, thank you. I have never been thanked more in my life than I am being thanked on a daily basis, for simply answering people's questions about their financial aid. What if we would thank our doctors, our teachers, our police officers, our mailwomen/men, our cashiers, our electricians with the same kind of thanks that we prefer? What if?
Are you ever just in the surviving mode? I feel like that is where I was last year. I just had to survive the year. I couldn't think about next steps, or what I really felt passionate about because I just had to make it through. I just had to get through the horrible moments of feeling so sad that I didn't want to be around anyone. I had to work through the words that were said to me, and the way that those words made me feel. Sometimes we just have to survive. Sometimes life isn't about thriving, it is just about making it through moment by moment.
As I ponder over events that took place throughout the YEAR of 35...I am so thankful that I have come out on top. I feel like the YEAR of 35 almost broke me. I was an emotional wreck most days. I took things way too seriously and sensitively. I got jealous easily, and I managed to take words to heart way to often. I wouldn't change anything that happened in the YEAR of 35 except maybe one thing, which doesn't need to be broadcasted to the entire internet. But that one thing was a mistake that I made in trusting someone I shouldn't have trusted. But even that taught me something.
I am a better person because of this year. I am more loving, and kind. I am also taking things a lot less sensitively than I used to. Sure I still have my moments, because everyone does... but I have figured out that my life can't be based on others. Looking to others for what they think about my life choices or even just me as a person isn't going to do anyone any good. I have to be me. Either take me for all of my faults, and quirks, or don't. I will never pretend to be perfect, but I also will never stab someone in the back. That's not the person that I am, and not the person that I ever want to be. I don't want to be someone that constantly needs to be the center of attention. Or who has to put down one friend in order to be accepted by another.
We are all on a journey. Sometimes that journey takes us to places that bring out our passions, and sometimes that journey takes us to places that help us realize what are passions truly are. Life is about the journey. The uphill battles, the moments in time that make you understand exactly how much strength and endurance you have. The journey isn't supposed to be easy. Some days it will be hot, and sweaty, and you will feel like dying. Other days it will be breezy and cool and just right for walking up a windy trail. But every single day counts. Every single day is a new opportunity to discover the passions that have been planted inside.
So this year.... the YEAR of 36 is for passion, life, and finding a place to live with joy. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.