I am reading the book Uninvited, it has proved to be the perfect book for me to be reading at this time. There has been a lot of rejection felt in this past year. It has brought back so many feelings from the past that I have sunk into this pit that I am unable to get out of. It is so different from last year. I felt so at home last year, like at last I had found a community of people that loved me, and wanted to hang out with me. I was ready to settle in, and live life in this community. I had prayed so hard for so long for this thing called community, and then I woke up one day and it was gone.
Maybe it wasn't ever there in the first place? Maybe I had placed myself in this situation where I thought that I was surrounded by people that would always love me and be there for me, but really they weren't.
And thus begins the cycle of rejection. I have learned a lot already from this book... and if you struggle like I do with rejection... you should read it to.
I think that I thought I was the only one who ever felt this way, but it seems like a lot of us struggle with it. We struggle with people leaving us, and taking that personally. We struggle with putting all our worth and value in what others think. We struggle with fitting in with groups of people that have known each other for awhile. We struggle with social media perfection. We all struggle.
I have had someone look at me and say... you just look at everything in a negative way. Maybe I do. Maybe that's for a reason though. When you have been traded in for someone else more times than you can count, it is hard not to see things, relationships, community in a negative light. It is hard not to think that there is something wrong with you. When you are constantly feeling alone, and not being invited by the people that you thought were your "community." It is hard to not feel negative.
I think that rejection has gotten the best of me. I have allowed my value and worth to be put into the community of people instead of looking above for it.
What do you do when you realize that you traded in some really great friendships for some that you thought were good, but in reality you were rejected yet again? What do you do when you realize that you gave your heart and soul into people that don't really even care if you are around or not? What do you do when you feel like you could be dropped at a moment's notice? Or that you have in fact been dropped and you are only being "tolerated."
It doesn't really feel like I have this rejection stuff under control.... but it is getting better. This past year I have been dropped by 4 people that were a huge part of my life. In some ways I think it has been coming for awhile, but in other ways it has been a huge loss for me. The thing is that we have people in our lives for different reasons. I am thankful for my family because even though we are all so different I know that I can always count on them to be there for me. I know that any one of them would drop whatever they were doing to help me out. We have people in our lives for seasons. Some of them stay for long seasons, some of them stay for short seasons, and some are only there for brief moments.
What I am working on is not allowing the short seasons to get me down. I am working on not letting the words that people say or the favorites that people have be something that digs deep in my soul.
I am far from perfect, but I am still worthy of community. One day I am going to find it. One day this amazing community is going to open up for me, and those people are going to love me so hard that all the broken pieces are put back together. I won't want to run away, I won't doubt my value or worth. They will push me closer to God. That's the kind of community I long for. Maybe I won't find it for a really long time, but maybe it is just around the corner.
Until then....I search out ways to not live in a state of rejection. I seek out people that lift me up, and I spend a lot of time in prayer, and focusing on the good. I don't let myself get deep into the state of rejection that so easily wants to grab a hold of my heart. I try to understand the truth, instead of living in the lies...and I feel thankful for the time that I have had with the community of people that I have been around. I feel thankful for what they have taught me, for the moments of laughter we have shared, and the moments of walls of fear that have been broken. I feel thankful for the value that we at one time placed in each other, and I move forward. Looking ahead to the next community I get to be a part of, and hoping that the cycle of rejection can at some time be broken!
For now...I wait.