Being Broken, and becoming Stronger...

Two months ago I had something happen in my life that literally almost broke me.  I tried to tell myself that it wasn't a big deal, that I was making it a bigger deal than it needed to be, and that I should just get over it.  But then I realized that I needed to deal with it.  This thing that happened to me literally rocked me and made me not want to be alive.  I have often wondered how one situation can make someone want to give up on life, want to not be around.  I used to actually judge people that thought that way...and then it happened to me. 

I lost everything that in the last year I had come to rely on.  I lost my best friend, I lost a group of people that I had come to see as family.  I lost my community as I knew it, and I didn't want to be here anymore.  I allowed myself to believe the words that were written to me.  I allowed myself to believe that I had nothing to give anyone in my life.  That all I was, was this toxic waste of a human being.  I allowed the words to penetrate my heart, and everything that I had worked hard to change about myself especially in the last couple of years.  I allowed myself to believe that everyone in my life felt that I was unnecessary.  These feelings caused me to push people away that I had come to consider family. 

It has taken me a couple of months to work through these feelings, to find the path to where I want to be again...and to see beyond the words written down to me, and the actions taken against me.  I will never think that I am perfect, but without a doubt I know that I am worthy of friendship and love.  I know that the person I am is someone who cares about others, would literally lay down my life for anyone... and matters to this world.  I know that sometimes my sarcasm hurts others, sometimes I am selfish, and sometimes I judge when I shouldn't. 

I can't make anyone want to be around me.  I don't understand why sometimes people choose to only see my weaknesses, but I can pick myself up and say that I have worth and value in this world.  But it is a daily choice I have to make.  No one can make it for me.  No one can make me feel differently....no one can even really help me on this journey.  It is one that I have to walk alone. 

I have to choose to deal with what I feel.  I have to look at things as truth or not.  I have to understand that even though I may feel like people don't care about me, it isn't true.  Not everyone is going to be in my life forever.  We all know that friendships go through seasons.  The best I can do is allow situations to break me, mold me, and make me into a stronger person. 

The walls are slowly being chipped away again.  It will probably take awhile before my heart is ready to allow someone in to the inner parts of me, because I am still bruised and tender.  But I will.  I will let someone in again.  I will also be a better friend because of this. 

Sometimes I get tired of trying.  Sometimes I get tired of putting myself out there, but the only way to understand being truly broken, is by diving into sacrificial love.  Love that will do anything, for anyone.  Love that sees weaknesses, and accepts them in spite of.  Love that opens up doors to new rooms, rooms that have never been touched before.  Mostly though, love that doesn't keep record of wrongs, but gives grace.  Love that shows just how much value and worth each of us have. 

My brokenness is a part of who I am, and who I will be in the future.  I have to wake up each day and embrace it.  If I pretend that it isn't there, then I lose a part of who I am.  My strength comes from being vulnerable, and weak.  My strength comes because there is someone greater pushing me, and molding me.  My strength.....is from my brokenness.  

Giving Up

The wind tosses me to and fro
I am not sure which way to go
I want to live up to the goals in my life
But I continue to feel nothing but strife

Why do I get so lost and confused
Everyday brings me a different mixed-up view
I want to be confident, soar all the heights
I want to let go of the demons inside

I feel like I am lost in a storm that keeps brewing
I feel the waves crashing, eroding, and moving
My life doesn't seem to make sense at all
Am I alone, alone in this walk

This wall that I built back up around myself
Because I kept getting hurt by  loneliness and doubt
The wall is unbreakable, unmovable, without bend
The wall is continuous, it knows no end

I wanted it to be broken, I wanted to let you in
But I can't give in to the vulnerability
The vulnerability for sure has an end

I want to be brave, and face all my fears
But it seems like I just keep falling into the depths of despair
It seems like my moments are prolonged and chaotic
It seems like I read things wrong all the time and can't stop it

Maybe I am worthy of the walls to be broken
Maybe I have what it takes to be successful and outspoken
But inside what it feels like is that I should just give in
Let go of the hope, and expectation within

Inside I feel like I need to give up
Let go of the hopes and the dreams that I have built up
I don't want to let go, I want to keep living
But what if I don't have what it takes to keep believing

Messy Honesty

We have to be honest.  There comes a point when we have to look ourselves in the eyes, and admit that we don't have it all together.  We have to admit that we are lost in a world of trying to please those around us.  Admit that we are lost in a place of expecting everyone including God to constantly judge us.  That our definition of love has been so changed and impacted by the world's definition that we have lost sight of what it truly means.  We have created this messy outlook on life, on love that is defined by unrealistic expectations. 

We have to be honest, and start believing in our beauty, believing in love, compassion, and justice.  We have to understand that life is messy, that sometimes we are going to feel lonely, left out, and want to flee from all of it.  We have to understand that sometimes expectations of ourselves are so high that we find ourselves pointing out failures more than successes.  We find ourselves lost in a place where we think others are only seeing the bad, and not the good too. 

We continue to put our  thoughts and feelings on others that we have about ourselves.  We lose people, and we allow our self talk to become negative.  If only we had been different, if only we had not allowed them to see all of the failures, weaknesses that are inside of us.  Maybe then we could still be friends.  We allow ourselves to believe that it is our fault completely when relationships/friendships are uprooted, or when a best friend becomes nothing more than an acquaintance or perhaps even less than that.... they cease to exist in our life at all.    

The truth is that it is not really about what the world wants us to think.  It is actually not even about what our friends think.  It is really truly about what we in the deepest part of ourselves believe to be truth, and believe to be real.  It is about being honest, the messiest version of honest that we can be. 

To me that means opening up, and talking.  Talking about when I am feeling lonely.  Talking about when I do not feel like I am enough.  Talking about those things that create a large hole inside of me.  Most of all not allowing my view of love, and community to be determined by the world, but rather by God Himself. 

So today's messy honesty.  I am in a rut.  I feel like my life that I had dreamed about slipped through my fingers somewhere along the way, and I don't know how to get control of it again.  I feel like I am not enough for a lot of people.  That I am too big, too loud, too opinionated, too insecure, too strong, too much of some things and not enough of others.  I feel like I don't matter sometimes.  The people that I thought I had mattered to, have pretty much shut me out, and it feels lonely.  I feel like I am having to start all over again, and this time it isn't my choice.  I feel like I am not enough. 

That's my messy honesty.  I know that even just admitting how I feel and talking about it, helps me.  It helps me realize that I don't have to feel that way.  There are greater truths out there.  Sometimes though, we just need time to work through what those truths are. 

So today, I choose honesty, and vulnerability.  Today I choose to look at what my view of love, compassion, and community is from a non-world view.  Today I choose messy honesty, and a different kind of love.