The past month has been pretty rough, emotionally and even physically. There have been many changes in my life. Some of them for the good, and others for growth and stretching of my faith. Sometimes when I think back to this month I can't even wrap my mind around everything that has happened. In the blink of an eye one of my friendships completely changed. In the blink of an eye I watched a friend lose a family member. In the blink of an eye I watched another friend's life change. In the blink of an eye I witnessed what true verbal abuse, and hatred can be. In another blink of an eye I realized how fragile health and life is. In another blink of an eye I saw what prejudice, and racism can do to our communities.
These things were rough. They made me question myself, question my God, and question my role in my community. They made me an emotional wreck. Mostly because watching people that I love get hurt, or choose to walk away pretty much breaks my heart. I can't actually change anyone. I can't make someone want to be around me or understand how I feel. I can't take away the pain from someone else, or help them make better choices. I can't control anything, sometimes I don't even feel like I can control myself.
I feel trapped in the chaotic world that we live in most of the time. I feel judged most of the time. Because my opinion or my feelings aren't understood by others, and so that means that people feel the need to judge me. I feel trapped in the world of constant information. I am bombarded on a daily basis with news feeds from over 5 social media apps. They are all screaming, "Look at me, follow me, see what this person has to say today." With each of those apps I find that I lose a little more of who I am, a little more of what I know to be true about myself, and my focus becomes less on God and more on living up to the standards that others have for me.
So, I find myself in a place where I have to find that voice inside of me again. I have to still the images, and voices that are screaming for my attention. I have to take myself out of the social media world, and just be silent and still. I have to take time to just be. For it is in the moments of silence and rest, I am going to find the truth of who I am. The truth of who I was created to be, and the truth of what changes I need to make in my life in order to be the best version of myself I can be!
I wish that hurt, pain, sickness, and sorrow weren't a part of this world. I wish that broken friendships and relationships weren't a part of this world. I wish that we could always tell people exactly how we are feeling, and they would feel exactly the same way, or they at least would understand. I wish that we would only have strong feelings for those who feel them back.
Mostly though I wish that people weren't just in our life for seasons. I hate it, I hate it with every fiber of my being. I wish that we could just always work through the messiness of the broken people we are, and understand each other. I wish we didn't have to try to prove anything to others. I wish that we didn't have to put these people above other people because to the world they are more popular, prettier, or wealthier. I wish that we could for once truly just look inside of people's hearts, and see who they really are.
These are the things I wish. These are the reasons I need to unplug, to work through these things. I want to see people with love-colored glasses. I want to see people with the forgiveness that Jesus does. But how do I do that in a broken-fallen world? How do I do that when people are going to fail right and left, when I am going to fail right and left? How do I stay humble, and kind yet not back down when someone needs truth in love? How do I grasp how fragile life is, when I feel like I can't wrap my mind around it? How do I not take health, and people for granted? How do I live a life that is full of love, when sometimes all I want to do is tell someone exactly what they are doing wrong? How do I plant myself in community, when all I want to do is run away because it is a lot less hurtful that way?
These are my questions....these are good enough reasons to unplug and focus on Him.