Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Long time...time flies

I feel like I haven't written a post in forever.  I didn't do a very good job of keeping up with things that I am thankful for.  Thanksgiving and the month of November feel like they are part of the distant past.  I can't believe how quickly time is flying by.  

I am thankful for that though.  I am thankful that each day seems to go more quickly than the next.  I am ready for the next stage of my life.  As much as people are trying to tell me to just enjoy this single freedom that I have, and trust me I have enjoyed it...I think I am ready.  I am ready to settle somewhere and be planted in a community.  One that I enjoy, one that I can be happy to be a part of.  One that I don't feel like is fake or lacking.  

I don't know that I have really been able to connect anywhere for the past 5 years or so.  I feel like since I went to Thailand I have been keeping the walls up pretty tight around me.  Some things happened right before I left for Thailand, during my time in Thailand and right after that have caused me to feel like trust is never really possible.  

I know that there are certain amounts of pain that are going to happen in this life.  That is just part of it, but when I look around I feel like a lot of people have a more put together life than I do. I see their perfect classrooms, perfect families, and perfect bank accounts, and I wonder...how did I do it all wrong?  How did I go from knowing exactly what I wanted from life, to feeling confused and unsure of what my hopes and dreams mean.  

Maybe I have changed so much, that I can never go back to that 20 something year that thought it would be enough just to teach and live overseas.  I don't think it is enough.  I am not sure what will be enough, but I am done with this lifestyle.  The nomadic kind of life.  I am done reaching for straws and trying so hard to not make connections.  I need a place to belong.  I need a place to call home.  I want a family of my own.  

For now...I will press on and continue, but I'm hoping that somehow things can change...

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