I feel like I haven't written a post in forever. I didn't do a very good job of keeping up with things that I am thankful for. Thanksgiving and the month of November feel like they are part of the distant past. I can't believe how quickly time is flying by.
I am thankful for that though. I am thankful that each day seems to go more quickly than the next. I am ready for the next stage of my life. As much as people are trying to tell me to just enjoy this single freedom that I have, and trust me I have enjoyed it...I think I am ready. I am ready to settle somewhere and be planted in a community. One that I enjoy, one that I can be happy to be a part of. One that I don't feel like is fake or lacking.
I don't know that I have really been able to connect anywhere for the past 5 years or so. I feel like since I went to Thailand I have been keeping the walls up pretty tight around me. Some things happened right before I left for Thailand, during my time in Thailand and right after that have caused me to feel like trust is never really possible.
I know that there are certain amounts of pain that are going to happen in this life. That is just part of it, but when I look around I feel like a lot of people have a more put together life than I do. I see their perfect classrooms, perfect families, and perfect bank accounts, and I wonder...how did I do it all wrong? How did I go from knowing exactly what I wanted from life, to feeling confused and unsure of what my hopes and dreams mean.
Maybe I have changed so much, that I can never go back to that 20 something year that thought it would be enough just to teach and live overseas. I don't think it is enough. I am not sure what will be enough, but I am done with this lifestyle. The nomadic kind of life. I am done reaching for straws and trying so hard to not make connections. I need a place to belong. I need a place to call home. I want a family of my own.
For now...I will press on and continue, but I'm hoping that somehow things can change...