Wild.....

I'm not sure how many people have read the book Wild by Cheryl Strayed, but I stayed up last night until 2:30 am to finish it.  I was simply in awe of her.  Of how hard she fought to find herself.  Of the fact that she worked through her journey and it made her a better person.  For about five years know I have felt pretty lost.  I am not sure if it was just because I lost that purpose that I had when I was in college, or if it just because you typically need your 20's to find yourself.  I would bet it is probably a mix of both.

I used to love solitude, I used to be just fine with spending time alone, deep in thought praying, thinking, writing, and pondering life and what it had in store.  Somewhere I lost the ability to be alone.  I lost myself somehow along the way.  In the hustle and bustle of transitions, new faces, new cultures, and a new me.  I somehow lost the fact that it is okay not to fit in.  It is okay to just be my own person.  I somehow started to look around and realize that I needed to conform to the perfect "life" that everyone else had.  Instead of just being content with who I was, where I was headed and what I had been through. 

Some of the quotes from the book that I love the most.....


"I had diverged, digressed, wandered, and become wild.  I didn't embrace the word as my new name because it defined negative aspects of my circumstances or life, but because even in my darkest days- those very days in which I was naming myself- I saw the power of the darkness.  Saw that, in fact, I had strayed and that I was a stray and that from the wild places my straying had brought me, I knew things I couldn't have known before."   (page 97)


"But I wasn't out here to keep myself from having to say I am not afraid.  I'd come, I realized to stare that fear down, to stare everything down, really- all that I'd done to myself and all that had been done to me.  I couldn't do that while tagging along with someone else." 


"I was entering, I was leaving.  California streamed behind me like a long silk veil.  I didn't feel like a big fat idiot anymore.  And I didn't feel like a hard-ass motherfucking Amazonian queen.  I felt fierce and humble and gathered up inside, like I was safe in this world too." 


"What if I forgave myself?  I thought.  What if I forgave myself even thought I'd done something I shouldn't have?  What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done, other than it was what I wanted and needed to do?  What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done?  What if I'd actually wanted to fuck every one of those men?  What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no?  What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what had also gotten me here?  What if I was never redeemed?  What if I already was? "


This last quote it sticks with me.  I think it always will because no matter what our choices are ours alone.  I make my choices and whatever outside forces cause me to make them...I am still in control of who I am...what I was in the past, and who I will be in the future.  But no matter what those things that I choose they have led me here to this moment in time.  I look around me and I know that this is where I need to be for right now.  I can look ahead, and behind, but the here and now....that's what matters.  I don't want this moment to pass me by without really breathing it in and saying who am I in this exact moment.  I  no longer fit into the perfect little Baptist girl mold that I used to, but I don't fit into the rebellious one either. 

I'm not sure who I am...but I know that I have courage, and strength.  I know that inside of me is passion for learning, for love, and for the chance to make a difference in this sometimes shitty misguided world.  I know that in
the end I am safe because I am loved beyond anything I could ever imagine.  I have people that will push me to be better than I am today, but will also let me lean on them if I need to.  Beyond that though I have confidence in who I am.  Sometimes it fails me, and sometimes I fail it, but at the end of the day I know that sometimes the right answer is yes instead of no.  Sometimes failure is the answer to success, and sometimes you have to just bust on through when you know that on the other side is a bunch of crazy thorns.  But you have to get some cuts and bruises in order to make it to the path that leads to the crystal clear lake you have been staring at for so long you don't even remember when you first saw it. 

A New Year....a different perspective.....and some goals

This is it the first day of the year 2015.  I never thought that these last 5 years would fly by as quickly as they have.  I just can't seem to believe how fast time is going.  I wish it would slow down a little bit.  I'm excited to be writing again, and am making it my personal goal to post something on my blog everyday...no matter what!  I want this year to be full of positive thoughts and want to be able at the end of this year to see transformation.  Transformation into the person that I want to become.  No longer a person that sees things negatively, or allows those around me to bring m
e down.  I want to be a person that loves, lives and laughs ALL the TIME!  I am so tired of complaining.  I am tired of people not getting along.  No longer will I live this in place of negativity and despair. 

Sometimes I think back to who I was in college, and wonder if I could find that girl again.  That girl that knew exactly what she wanted from life.  That girl that wasn't afraid of the future, wasn't afraid to take risks or let her heart be crushed.  Where did that girl go?  Somewhere along the way she got lost.  Somewhere along the way she got caught up in wanting to be who everyone else wanted her to be.  Somewhere along the way she got caught up in the words that were spoken to her and about her by others.  We all judge, every single day we judge.  We can't help it....its part of human nature.  But I am going to choose not to anymore.  I am going to choose the positive.  I am going to choose to give without expecting in return.  To use words that lift people up instead of tearing them down.  I am going to choose to not take things personally. 

Am I going to be perfect???  NO....because I am human, I am flawed.....I will have moments of self-doubt.  I will have moments when my courage just isn't enough.  But I will choose to keep going.  I will choose to look at the side that helps instead of harms.  I will choose light instead of darkness. 

I will choose to love instead of hate...everytime...not matter what is said about me or done to me.  Because at the end of the day I am who I am.  I can't change for you...I can only change for myself.  Sometimes I will and sometimes I won't.  But I will choose to love.  I will choose to forgive and I will choose to be positive.


I bought a planner for myself.  I am super excited about it.  I know that it is going to be a great tool to keep me balanced and on task.  I have set daily, weekly, monthly and yearly goals for myself.  Without these I think I would get lost in this world of chaos.  A chaos that is hard to understand.  A chaos that I can't control. 

So...here's to organized chaos.  A chance to change what I feel like has been a negative past few years.  Here's to good choices and good people.  Here's to a positive life!  Living, loving, hoping and dreaming!  

Dancing

Blogging.....day 4



If I was younger I would ask you to dance,
to feel the warmth of your embrace

If I was younger I would know just what to say,
to spur you on to great things on this day

If our lives were different we might not have to fight,
if our lives were different we might be able to see more light

The truth of our hearts, is that we were always far apart
we couldn't make it work despite so many dreams we set up

If I was younger I would be able to say
it doesn't matter there will be someone else one day

If I was younger I wouldn't have to worry,
jobs and money aren't important when you don't have to make a living

If I was younger I would climb the mountain for you,
when I got to the top I would shout out just how much I love you

My heart breaks at the thought of moving on
it isn't what I hoped and its hard to think of what is to come

If I was younger I would think before I spoke,
I would be able to encourage our lives on similar paths,
and make it last 

Christmas Lights

Days of Blogging....3

Last night I was driving home and looked around at all the Christmas lights.  It is something that I think most people take for granted.  If you have ever lived in another country or even in another place you know what I am talking about.  Christmas is just different in America.  I don't know if it is the cooler weather, or if it is the fact that every single house in my neighborhood seems to have its own personality with the various degrees of lights that make it up. 

I still just get this feeling everytime I am driving around and see Christmas lights.  I love it...it makes me happy.  I love being back here for Christmas. 

Yet there is a part of my heart that wants to keep moving.  A part of me is scared to settle down here.  Just like the Christmas lights that only appear once a year I feel like my life is a constant change of events.  I feel like I go from one day to the next not really knowing where my stability is going to be.  Forcing me to take a deep breath and wonder when it will be my time to feel at home.  When will I be able to finally make a life for myself?  When will I feel  home?????? 

Entitlement...are we breeding it?

31 Days...... Post #2

The last few weeks I have been hit with this feeling that we in America are breeding a generation or several generations that feel entitled.  Entitled to have everything they want without working for it.  Entitled to not have to do what they don't want to do.  Entitled toward everything that past generations would have never even dreamed of having.  Why are we so entitled?  Why are the kids we are raising up becoming more and more entitled on a daily basis.  Or has it just always been this way, and I just never understood until I became 30ish?  

It makes me so very sad to look at kids/adults and see them waste a perfectly good life.  It's a waste because I feel like they just think that they are entitled to anything and everything.  It is not okay to rob people, it is not okay to talk about people behind their backs, it is not okay to disrespect your elders just because they don't do everything the way you want!  It is not okay!  Just because you are from a family that doesn't have to struggle that doesn't mean that you get to bully the rest of the world around.  That doesn't mean that your money can buy people off...or does it?  

Maybe that's it...maybe we have just become a society where the more money you have the less you have to worry about your voice being heard.  Money talks, right?  Or is it just the fact that kids know WAY more at younger ages then I would have ever DREAMED of knowing?  Maybe it is that.   I feel like I am in a world where talking about someone dying because of drugs or alcohol is just second nature.  I feel like I am in a place where there is no compassion for death, no compassion for those that are committing crimes.  

Something is wrong when people have lost their compassion and replaced it with entitlement.  Something is wrong when we can no longer look at our neighbor and see his or her pain.  Something is wrong when we ALWAYS put ourselves first.  Something is wrong when all we talk or think about is violence, or every word out of our mouth is negative.  

Something is wrong when we expect people to just give us things, and when we don't get them....instead of pushing through and figuring out a compromise...we just run away.  Or we teach our kids to just run away.  

We are ALL fighting battles that NO ONE knows about.  We are ALL walking a path that we didn't EXPECT.  We are ALL just trying to MAKE a life for ourselves.  

So why do WE think that WE DESERVE more than our neighbor.  Why do WE THINK that we don't have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes????????

Why do we feel that living in America means we are better than anyone else?  Why do we cease to see the NEEDS right around the CORNER, and instead FOCUS only on WHAT we WANT, and WHAT we will BENEFIT from whatever is going on?  

ENTITLEMENT?????

WHY????

31 Days of Christmas Blogging....

Today I decided was the day...31 days of Christmas blogging.  Not sure what these next 31 days will be like, but I miss writing.  I miss just getting my thoughts out there into the world of blogs....wondering who cares enough to read it, or who might one day read it.  So here we go......


Day 31.....

There are now 30 days left till the end of the year.  I can hardly believe that another year has come and gone.  This year I started my year off in another country, wishing I was back in Missouri so I could be with a certain boy...

Well what we wish for isn't always what we really need.  It has taken a lot for me to realize that my dreams aren't necessarily what I believed them to be.  I had some tough things happen this year.   It seems tough things happen every year.  I guess that is life though, right?  Just when you think you have made it through one obstacle...BAM!  You are whacked over the head with something even more dramatic then the thing that happened before.  

When I was 16 I remember thinking...when I'm 18....life is going to be so great.  I'm going to know where I'm going...I'm going to have control over everything.  Then I turned 18, and realized it wasn't true.  So I thought....I can't wait till I turn 21....I can drink....I can be that much closer to "real life."  Then I turned 21, and guess what?????  I still had NO IDEA what I was doing.  

There were so many age milestones.....25.....30.....and now I am 33 and guess what I still have NO IDEA how to be a grown-up.  I really don't!  

The thing is though the older I get the more I just stopped caring about being a grown-up.  I don't have it all figured out.  I don't think I ever will.  I am just living my life, the best that I know how.  

These last few weeks have made me realize just how mean and cruel people can be.  Sometimes we are mean because we are hearing truth from others that we don't want to hear.  Sometimes we are mean because we aren't getting our way. Sometimes we are mean because we feel like it is the only way to protect ourselves from getting hurt.  Sometimes we are mean because we feel like if we are nice people might see the real us, and might see the vulnerability that is inside.  

For me the next 30 days I want to be about being vulnerable.  About being real.  About not hiding behind this mask that I have created for myself, and about loving those around me.  

Love means being vulnerable.  Love means opening up to whatever comes your way.  Love means letting go of all the apprehension and judgement that we feel and just being us.  Being the imperfect, human beings that we were created to be.  In this great big mess of a world....I am happy to just be me.  

 

A Blog About Nothing

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a different time. A time that doesn't really exist, but in my own mind. Do you ever feel like that? Lost in your own thoughts, afraid that the reality you have built for yourself isn't really reality at all. Like yesterday when I cheered my heart out for things that were so not n my control. Sports....I love this season, when football and baseball are happening at the exact same time. I love that both the Royals and the Cardinals are in the playoffs. I love the feel of fall, but as I screamed and shouted yesterday I realized just how crazy it is that we pay to watch people play a game.

Don't get me wrong I know it's a lot of pressure for them, a lot of training, and a lot of time. But it just doesn't make sense. How many millions of dollars we spend on our favorite teams when there our kids in our backyards who can't read, write, or eat.

I'm guilty, I know I am. I don't do near what I could do. I know I could do more....how? 

How do I see beyond the complacency of my own self?

How so I realize that I am not just caught up in my own reality, but everyone else's ?