I can't believe that another year is coming to an end. Another Thanksgiving passed me by in the blink of an eye. Filled with laughter, good food, and more memories. It seems to me that every year I have more and more to be grateful for. My family, my friends, my adventures, and just being able to work the jobs that I do and support myself. I am thankful for a roof over my head, and a place where I feel safe. Not everyone has that. In the quiet moments when I find myself complaining, or being grumpy, like today... I just want to wake myself up and tell myself to get over it. I get so caught up in the small things that don't matter, that I forget to be thankful for the ones that do.
I am so thankful that I am not stuck in relationships and friendships where I don't feel valued, respected, or loved. Sometimes in life we keep giving, and we only realize that we have given all we can when there is nothing left to give.
This Thanksgiving I was thankful for moments with my family, co-workers and friends that helped me to see the good that is in my life. I don't know what the future holds, I know what my hope for the future is, but I am so thankful for this season.
The sermon last Sunday struck me as the past few have been doing, because it was like the pastor read my journal and then decided to preach straight to my heart. In those moments I get reassurance that God loves me beyond what I even will ever comprehend. He does want His best for me, no matter how much I think I have messed up, or how unworthy I think I am. He wants me to have my heart's desire. I think for the longest time I have just thought that I am past the point of being able to get what I want, because I am so unworthy of having it. I think that I thought that I have just made too many mistakes and I keep on making them, and I will never be deserving of my deepest desires. But the thing is that we are never so far removed that we can't be brought back in. Our choices are what makes us able to kneel once again at His feet, cry tears of repentance and accept those nail scarred hands. I have been making a conscious effort to not give in to temptations, and conversations this week that I know are going to lead me down a path that does nothing but destroy me. Every day I look up and regain my focus. Some days are easier than others.
I want something that I had convinced myself was too good for me to have. I convinced myself that I wasn't worthy to be loved and treated with respect, and so I allowed myself to give in to things that I shouldn't have. I allowed myself to be treated the way I thought I deserved, instead of being treated the way I was created to be. When you examine the depths of your heart, and realize that somewhere along the way you have lost your focus, and lost your self-respect you have to re-examine what it means to live life for Christ. I still feel undeserving most days, but I also feel like this time will be different. I'm not willing to settle for second best, I'm not willing to give in just to be with someone. They are going to have to be so hidden in God that they will have to seek Him just to find me. God's going to have to make it the clearest He ever has in order for me to allow anything but His best for me to come into my heart and life. It's not going to be an easy road, but it is one I am willing to walk down, because the alternative just doesn't have the pull it once did.
In the past couple of days I have had to do a lot of soul searching and forgiving of myself. I have had to give myself the grace that I so often forget to indulge in. I have had to allow myself to know that I am worthy to be loved the way He meant it to happen. I am worthy to know what it is like to have a relationship that is built on the foundation of Christ. Not just in appearances, but in the everyday hum of life's celebrations and disappointments. That's what I want, and I refuse to have anything less than that. But I just have to believe that my God is big enough.
December is almost here, and it makes me realize how self-focused I am most of the time. So, I decided that I am going to go out of my way during the month of December to be focused on putting Jesus above all else. Probably that should be my focus anyways, but I find myself getting distracted by emotions, feelings, hopes, and wanting things that aren't for me to want right now. So for December I focus on giving, not getting. I focus on experiences, not things. I focus on love, and togetherness, instead of constantly pointing out faults and differences.
Maybe life won't slow down much, but at least this last month of 2017 will be unforgettable!
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Friday, November 24, 2017
When Friends Leave
Why do I continue to do these things to myself? I ALWAYS read things the wrong way! It is like I am cursed or something. The only time I don't read things the wrong way is when I shouldn't even be reading them at all. I have pretty much come to this conclusion that I am TOO much for everyone. Like I seriously think there is something really wrong with me. Am I ever going to be loved? Am I really this awful person that isn't capable of meeting someone who wants me and only me? Do I really need to spend my life alone? I mean is that really what I am called to? Aloneness?
Maybe I come on too strong? Maybe I am too much. Anyone that I have ever spent a lot of time with, it seems like has left me, rejected me, or walked away. It seems like maybe I am too much. Maybe there is a reason. Right? Maybe I have done too much, and I don't deserve to be loved. It's too late for me, right?
This all feels too much tonight. I am tired, and hurt, and confused. I hate being confused, and I hate feeling like I did something wrong, when I don't even know what it was.
Ugh.
Maybe I come on too strong? Maybe I am too much. Anyone that I have ever spent a lot of time with, it seems like has left me, rejected me, or walked away. It seems like maybe I am too much. Maybe there is a reason. Right? Maybe I have done too much, and I don't deserve to be loved. It's too late for me, right?
This all feels too much tonight. I am tired, and hurt, and confused. I hate being confused, and I hate feeling like I did something wrong, when I don't even know what it was.
Ugh.
Boundaries....
Sometimes I think that if I had learned better boundaries, I wouldn't be in the mess I am in, and have been in as I wade through life. We have to have boundaries with people. We have to be willing to say this is okay, and that isn't okay in life. I was talking with a friend the other night, and discussing how as we are growing up we learn that the Christian thing to do, is to always forgive. That we have to forgive 70 X 7. Right? Isn't that what you grew up learning? I did too. I grew up thinking that the minute I told someone no, or didn't allow someone to continue to treat me in an unkind way I wasn't doing my Christian "duty." I grew up thinking that I had to put everyone above myself no matter what. I had to sacrifice my own happiness for other people. This has led to people pleasing, and never really being able to say no. This has led to someone that goes out of her way to make sure that other people are comfortable, to give even when I honestly do not have the time or money, and to let my heart get broken over and over again.
But the thing is that sometimes we have to put up boundaries. I am not talking about walls. Walls aren't what God calls us to. He wants us to connect in ways that tear down our walls, but we still have to be able to protect ourselves, and not allow people to continue to hurt us over and over again. One of my greatest weaknesses is letting people in and then allowing them to hurt my core. I take their communication with me, or interest in me to heart, and allow it to determine my worth. Rejection is a thing that I honestly have the hardest time with. Comparing myself to others, and allowing myself to feel rejected at the slightest change in someone else's behavior or friendship.
I read into behavior and I give until my giving seems to push people away. I know that I am sometimes too needy, that I want too much, and that I can be super sarcastic which is sometimes too much. I am sometimes too much.
How do I love the way I have been called to, but also have boundaries? Boundaries that will allow me to not see something as more than friendship, when that's all it is. Boundaries that will help me to not overshare information that could one day be used against me. Boundaries that will help me to be the person I should be to lift others up, instead of pushing them away. Boundaries that will help me to see someone the way Jesus does, instead of comparing my every weakness to theirs. Boundaries that will lead to me understanding others, and focusing on them, but also knowing that I have to take care of myself.
In sacrificing for others, are we called to give up who we are and how we feel? Are we called to let down every wall, and not have boundaries? Do we just keep letting people in, even though they continue to hurt us, and not put us a priority sometimes? I think that the answer is no. In order too live a life that is full of love, we have to be willing to sometimes let people know what the boundaries are. I am not going to allow myself to have a broken heart because you want to lead me on, or send me mixed messages. I am not going to allow myself to keep getting damaged because you want to pop in and out of my life whenever you feel like it.
Boundaries are hard for me, but when I think about how to live my life in a healthy, positive way, I know that I need them. I need them so that I don't look at things in the way in which they shouldn't be looked at. I need them so that my heart doesn't continue to be broken. Most importantly I need them so that I can spread love the way I should. It's hard, and I won't ever get it right, but I am going to keep trying.
Monday, November 20, 2017
Why Marriage Sermons Usually Turn Me Off
I'll let you in on a little secret that you might not already know. The majority of the world is married. It is true, and it didn't used to bother me at all. I was the girl that was going to college to get a degree, and travel the world, sharing God's love. I didn't actually care too much about getting married. I mean if I am perfectly honest, I think that I thought it would just happen, that one day I would just look up and my prince would be riding in on a white stallion, and beckon me to come do missions with him, or whatever was my current life goal at that time. I definitely had crushes throughout high school and college, but nothing that was profound enough to turn my heart away from what I felt called to do. Then, I turned 30, and I no longer felt like I could just be nonchalant about marriage. I had to focus on it. That's all the church talked about, that's all people my age talked about. My friends were definitely starting to get married by this point, and I felt the pressure of needing to be married.
So I started really seriously dating at this point, and not making the best of choices. I wasn't really sticking to the values that I had held onto when I was younger. Even in my late 20's, I was set on holding tight to certain values that as soon as I hit 30, it was like I just gave up. Along with that I felt like the church and my family kind of gave up on me too. Maybe it was my life overseas, maybe it was that I was opinionated, maybe it was that I didn't fit the perfect mold of what a woman should look like. But for whatever reason, I wasn't married, and there weren't any real prospects either.
That's when I started noticing this trend in the church. Sermons about marriage. Ugh. Or sermons that only mentioned married people. It is very few churches that I have found that include the single population when they are preaching. I even went to a women's conference not too long ago where one of the speakers that I highly admire, said something like "one day when my babies get married." It just struck me super hard, because what if they don't? Right? We as a culture, especially as a Christian culture have created this place where singles are seen as less than. You can say it isn't true, but it is. If you think about the way that you treat singles, it is to put them aside, and give them all the things that the "families" can't do. So, it doesn't really surprise me that every time a sermon would be about marriage, or even remotely relate to it in some way I closed myself off. Not because I didn't one day want to be married, because that is a desire that is deep inside of me, and probably won't ever leave. No, I closed myself off because it was easier than opening myself up to the hurt and pain of feeling the hole, or feeling less than that those sermons usually left me with.
This past Sunday for the first time in my life I heard a sermon about marriage and what can kill a marriage and it penetrated my heart. It made me examine who I am as a woman, a future (hopefully) wife, and mother, and I honestly learned so much from it. I can't say that I will use everything from it, but it didn't make me cringe, it didn't make me feel like I should have skipped out on church that Sunday. It made me understand that I want that even more. The hard times, the sacrificial love, the devotion to someone outside of myself. Those are all things that I want. But you know what it made me realize even more? It made me realize that our culture's idea of marriage is so messed up. Oh, I am sure that I have heard it before, but for some reason this time, it really hit me. First of all coming from a home of divorced parents. I know exactly what it feels like to have your family change your senior year of high school. I know what it looks like to understand that things don't always work out. I understand what it means to know God's grace.
So, for the first time in my life I listened intently. I grasped the words, and I understood how God uses marriage, even broken ones to show us sacrificial and undeniable love. I think that we oftentimes just get caught up in the wants and needs of ourselves that we forget about the people around us. We look at the greener grass on the other side and we wish that we could be there experiencing that, not really caring about how hard or long the journey might be. I am not sure that there is too much more that I learned from the sermon, other than to know that God made marriage. There was a time in my life when I thought that it didn't matter. I thought that if God truly wanted marriage to be something that we did, then shouldn't He make it possible for everyone?
Here's the thing though. I have learned things in my 36 years of singleness that I could have never learned if I had married right out of high school or college. I have seen places, and met people. That doesn't make me less than, and that also doesn't mean that I am supposed to be single forever. What it does mean though is that I have to take what God has taught me, and continue to use it to be molded into someone that is able to love without holding back. To be able to put a husband first. Sermons about marriage don't have to show me what I am missing, they can lead me to who I need to be, so that one day I will be able to love with everything I have, and learn things that I wasn't able to learn being single.
So I started really seriously dating at this point, and not making the best of choices. I wasn't really sticking to the values that I had held onto when I was younger. Even in my late 20's, I was set on holding tight to certain values that as soon as I hit 30, it was like I just gave up. Along with that I felt like the church and my family kind of gave up on me too. Maybe it was my life overseas, maybe it was that I was opinionated, maybe it was that I didn't fit the perfect mold of what a woman should look like. But for whatever reason, I wasn't married, and there weren't any real prospects either.
That's when I started noticing this trend in the church. Sermons about marriage. Ugh. Or sermons that only mentioned married people. It is very few churches that I have found that include the single population when they are preaching. I even went to a women's conference not too long ago where one of the speakers that I highly admire, said something like "one day when my babies get married." It just struck me super hard, because what if they don't? Right? We as a culture, especially as a Christian culture have created this place where singles are seen as less than. You can say it isn't true, but it is. If you think about the way that you treat singles, it is to put them aside, and give them all the things that the "families" can't do. So, it doesn't really surprise me that every time a sermon would be about marriage, or even remotely relate to it in some way I closed myself off. Not because I didn't one day want to be married, because that is a desire that is deep inside of me, and probably won't ever leave. No, I closed myself off because it was easier than opening myself up to the hurt and pain of feeling the hole, or feeling less than that those sermons usually left me with.
This past Sunday for the first time in my life I heard a sermon about marriage and what can kill a marriage and it penetrated my heart. It made me examine who I am as a woman, a future (hopefully) wife, and mother, and I honestly learned so much from it. I can't say that I will use everything from it, but it didn't make me cringe, it didn't make me feel like I should have skipped out on church that Sunday. It made me understand that I want that even more. The hard times, the sacrificial love, the devotion to someone outside of myself. Those are all things that I want. But you know what it made me realize even more? It made me realize that our culture's idea of marriage is so messed up. Oh, I am sure that I have heard it before, but for some reason this time, it really hit me. First of all coming from a home of divorced parents. I know exactly what it feels like to have your family change your senior year of high school. I know what it looks like to understand that things don't always work out. I understand what it means to know God's grace.
So, for the first time in my life I listened intently. I grasped the words, and I understood how God uses marriage, even broken ones to show us sacrificial and undeniable love. I think that we oftentimes just get caught up in the wants and needs of ourselves that we forget about the people around us. We look at the greener grass on the other side and we wish that we could be there experiencing that, not really caring about how hard or long the journey might be. I am not sure that there is too much more that I learned from the sermon, other than to know that God made marriage. There was a time in my life when I thought that it didn't matter. I thought that if God truly wanted marriage to be something that we did, then shouldn't He make it possible for everyone?
Here's the thing though. I have learned things in my 36 years of singleness that I could have never learned if I had married right out of high school or college. I have seen places, and met people. That doesn't make me less than, and that also doesn't mean that I am supposed to be single forever. What it does mean though is that I have to take what God has taught me, and continue to use it to be molded into someone that is able to love without holding back. To be able to put a husband first. Sermons about marriage don't have to show me what I am missing, they can lead me to who I need to be, so that one day I will be able to love with everything I have, and learn things that I wasn't able to learn being single.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Waiting...
There aren't a lot of times when it is clear to me that God is asking me to wait. Most of the time it probably should be clear, but I just ignore the signs. This time though, God has been pretty clear. I was looking through my journaling from a couple of years ago at this time. It was a time in my life when I was seeking out some direction about a specific situation, and I felt like God was telling me to wait. Instead of waiting though, I think I just kept trying to make this thing happen that I wanted to happen. Instead of waiting for God's timing I just kept pushing, and reading into things, that really if I would have just waited it would have gone a lot smoother, and might not have had the outcome that it did.
So, here I am two years later, in a similar situation, except for this time I know that I need to wait. Why is it that when feelings and emotions are involved we want to jump in head first instead of taking the time to pray and know that it is the right thing? For me it is a lack of self-control, patience, and trust. I know that I want to trust God with my life, with my desires, and with my future. But there is this part of me that doesn't trust Him to fulfill everything I want Him to. There is a part of me that gets lost in the need for things to happen in my time instead of His.
It is hard though, right? It is hard because we are human and waiting is not a fun thing to do, especially when it seems like this thing if it would happen would totally be the right thing. But what if I need more time, or the situation needs more time? What if the person that I need to become is going to be the person that would be better in this situation? I have to believe that the waiting is molding me and making me into who I need to be for that given moment of time. I have to believe that when it is time, then I will know it.
So, I wait. It is not an easy thing to do everyday, and I know that I don't always wait with perfect patience or peace, but it does help to know that He's got me. He knows my heart, my circumstances, and the desires that play into who I am and who He created me to be. Sometimes we don't even know what we truly want without time. Sometimes we get lost in trying to decipher this or that, when really it is just about kneeling at the cross, and being willing to do whatever it takes to wait for His timing.
Verses that help me wait:
Psalm 27:13-14
Psalm 37:34
Isaiah 30:18
Romans 12:12
So, here I am two years later, in a similar situation, except for this time I know that I need to wait. Why is it that when feelings and emotions are involved we want to jump in head first instead of taking the time to pray and know that it is the right thing? For me it is a lack of self-control, patience, and trust. I know that I want to trust God with my life, with my desires, and with my future. But there is this part of me that doesn't trust Him to fulfill everything I want Him to. There is a part of me that gets lost in the need for things to happen in my time instead of His.
It is hard though, right? It is hard because we are human and waiting is not a fun thing to do, especially when it seems like this thing if it would happen would totally be the right thing. But what if I need more time, or the situation needs more time? What if the person that I need to become is going to be the person that would be better in this situation? I have to believe that the waiting is molding me and making me into who I need to be for that given moment of time. I have to believe that when it is time, then I will know it.
So, I wait. It is not an easy thing to do everyday, and I know that I don't always wait with perfect patience or peace, but it does help to know that He's got me. He knows my heart, my circumstances, and the desires that play into who I am and who He created me to be. Sometimes we don't even know what we truly want without time. Sometimes we get lost in trying to decipher this or that, when really it is just about kneeling at the cross, and being willing to do whatever it takes to wait for His timing.
Verses that help me wait:
Psalm 27:13-14
Psalm 37:34
Isaiah 30:18
Romans 12:12
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Shaped by What I Love
Most of the time Sunday morning sermons have a way of speaking straight to my heart about what I am going through. On a rare occasion they dig deep into my soul, and wake me up from the awful path I am about to step onto. Today was one of those Sundays. Whew! When you get spoken to on such a specific level, in such a way that you have no doubt the words were to steer you away from the direction you were going... well you have to listen, don't you?
The other night I had a little too much wine, I was feeling sorry for myself, and I also was tired. I was tired of always trying to do the right thing, and then not getting what I felt like I wanted in return. I was feeling pretty entitled when it came to God. You see it was more of this if God is not going to give me what I want, then why should I worry about obeying the rules? Or why should I care about what I am doing with my life? If I am going to spend my life without a husband, then why not just give in to desires? What does it matter anyways? I have spent a lot of my life focused on doing right, and good... don't I deserve to have my dreams fulfilled? If they aren't going to be fulfilled the way I want them to, then I am just going to try to substitute for something that will fill the hole for a little while.
I was playing the it's not fair game a lot Friday night. Maybe you know it.... "It's not fair that this person or that person has been married two times, and has 3 kids, and I don't have any of that. It's not fair that that person has spent their life not following God, and they have everything they have ever wanted, a family and kids, and a great job. It's not fair!" Trust me about 1/2 bottle in, this conversation was pretty one sided, and pretty whiny. It was also pretty self-focused.
Conversations with people, and sermons have a way of pointing me back to where I need to be. I feel like I had a couple conversations this weekend that directed me to focus more on God, and less on myself. But actually that's not true, because in focusing on God I realize more of the weaknesses I hold, and the things I need to change about myself.
So, I am sitting in church today, and what do you think the sermon is on? Being shaped by what we love. Talking about how we love the lesser things more, and the greater things less. That was the first time that I was shaken a little. Of course my focus, especially the other night when I made this decision to just give in to things, because it is easier that way. Definitely I was loving the lesser more than the greater. I was letting that desire be what rules my life.
I am also having a really hard time finding my way in the current world we live in. Not being so focused on this world, yet knowing that my job here is to be His, and seek goodness. How am I going to seek goodness, if I don't truly understand what Jesus' goodness looks like? It is such a confusing way to live. Maybe I don't have enough that I am adamant about? Maybe my need to offend no one is actually harming my voice of love for others? I don't necessarily think that the sermon today was something that is going to help me understand this, but it did spur me down the path of thinking about this more.
Jesus lived the authority of the Bible, but I don't know that I have been living that. I don't know that my life truly shows the authority of the Bible. How do I live that out without becoming a pharisee, or a hypocrite? How do I portray the loving kind of righteousness? The Jesus kind of righteousness without turning everyone away from God? Is there even a way to do that?
One of the things that was said today is that "Righteousness is what your life looks like when you are living in God's kingdom."
To me living in God's Kingdom means being more involved in His word than other things. My desire is to know Him more. My desire is to not mess up this life too badly. My desire is to constantly know how I need to change in order to love Him with all my heart. So as I take a deep breath, and understand how He wants to change me, I open up my heart and mind to people that I need to learn from. I dive into things and community that are going to bring me closer to Him, instead of farther away. I try to say no to the things that cause me to be living in the world's Kingdom, instead of God's. It's a journey and I know that, but I truly hope that my life is shaped by His focus, rather than my own.
The other night I had a little too much wine, I was feeling sorry for myself, and I also was tired. I was tired of always trying to do the right thing, and then not getting what I felt like I wanted in return. I was feeling pretty entitled when it came to God. You see it was more of this if God is not going to give me what I want, then why should I worry about obeying the rules? Or why should I care about what I am doing with my life? If I am going to spend my life without a husband, then why not just give in to desires? What does it matter anyways? I have spent a lot of my life focused on doing right, and good... don't I deserve to have my dreams fulfilled? If they aren't going to be fulfilled the way I want them to, then I am just going to try to substitute for something that will fill the hole for a little while.
I was playing the it's not fair game a lot Friday night. Maybe you know it.... "It's not fair that this person or that person has been married two times, and has 3 kids, and I don't have any of that. It's not fair that that person has spent their life not following God, and they have everything they have ever wanted, a family and kids, and a great job. It's not fair!" Trust me about 1/2 bottle in, this conversation was pretty one sided, and pretty whiny. It was also pretty self-focused.
Conversations with people, and sermons have a way of pointing me back to where I need to be. I feel like I had a couple conversations this weekend that directed me to focus more on God, and less on myself. But actually that's not true, because in focusing on God I realize more of the weaknesses I hold, and the things I need to change about myself.
So, I am sitting in church today, and what do you think the sermon is on? Being shaped by what we love. Talking about how we love the lesser things more, and the greater things less. That was the first time that I was shaken a little. Of course my focus, especially the other night when I made this decision to just give in to things, because it is easier that way. Definitely I was loving the lesser more than the greater. I was letting that desire be what rules my life.
I am also having a really hard time finding my way in the current world we live in. Not being so focused on this world, yet knowing that my job here is to be His, and seek goodness. How am I going to seek goodness, if I don't truly understand what Jesus' goodness looks like? It is such a confusing way to live. Maybe I don't have enough that I am adamant about? Maybe my need to offend no one is actually harming my voice of love for others? I don't necessarily think that the sermon today was something that is going to help me understand this, but it did spur me down the path of thinking about this more.
Jesus lived the authority of the Bible, but I don't know that I have been living that. I don't know that my life truly shows the authority of the Bible. How do I live that out without becoming a pharisee, or a hypocrite? How do I portray the loving kind of righteousness? The Jesus kind of righteousness without turning everyone away from God? Is there even a way to do that?
One of the things that was said today is that "Righteousness is what your life looks like when you are living in God's kingdom."
To me living in God's Kingdom means being more involved in His word than other things. My desire is to know Him more. My desire is to not mess up this life too badly. My desire is to constantly know how I need to change in order to love Him with all my heart. So as I take a deep breath, and understand how He wants to change me, I open up my heart and mind to people that I need to learn from. I dive into things and community that are going to bring me closer to Him, instead of farther away. I try to say no to the things that cause me to be living in the world's Kingdom, instead of God's. It's a journey and I know that, but I truly hope that my life is shaped by His focus, rather than my own.
Friday, November 10, 2017
Would I be Missed?
Do you ever wonder if you would be missed? Do you feel like you are always the one making the effort in friendships? Like what if I just stopped calling or texting, would anyone even notice that they hadn't talked to me for awhile? Or would it literally be months before I would hear anything from them? I've had best friends before, friends that I was able to call on any given day, at any given time and they would drop everything to hang out with me. There are people that I would, and have done that for. There are people in my life that I thought would do that for me, but I am not so sure anymore. Maybe I am too needy, too damaged, too much. Maybe I am too selfish, too dramatic, too outspoken. Maybe I am not conservative enough, or too conservative? Maybe I don't leave an impression on anyone's life. Maybe if I stop making the effort, I will just be someone they knew once. Maybe my life doesn't actually matter that much. What good am I doing? I'm not really sure. I feel pretty disposable at the moment. Maybe I am just that person that comes into people's lives for seasons, and never really stays. As hard as that is for me to admit, it feels more and more true everyday. One day I hope that someone comes into my life, and looks me in the face and tells me how important I am to them. So important that they always want me in their life. One day I hope that happens, the hope of that happening is starting to be less and less everyday. I like someone who doesn't like me back, once again. It is hard, it is messy and it sucks. But you know what, it's okay. Tonight is just a rough night, and I will feel better tomorrow. But, for now I am going to put a lot less effort in, because I am tired of being the girl that always calls or texts first. One day I want to be the one that is chased after. Or at least is treated with value and worth.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Facing the Giants in Silence
Tonight I deleted the FB App, IG App, and Tinder App from my phone. Yes I have been dappling in Tinder for about a month now. It has had its good times, and not so good times. Last night I wrote this blog about the desires of my heart, and how I just feel this hole not being filled because I am single and childless. Then today it was like God met me exactly where I needed Him to. He spoke straight to that blog, straight to my uncertainties, and you know what His answer was? His answer was that I had lost my focus. Now, please do not misunderstand. Last night I felt every singe word of what I wrote, and tonight I don't feel like it was a mistake or those feelings are invalid. I just feel like God showed me exactly what was happening.
I was allowing my giants to be bigger than my God. I was seriously allowing myself to focus on all the bad. I was allowing myself to go down this path of longing and searching for something that just isn't where my focus should be. I don't believe that at this time God has taken the marriage/kids desire away from me, but He reminded me of what I am here for. He reminded me that when I look at what I don't have, instead of what I do, then I cease to worship Him in the way that He wants me to.
I have made so many mistakes in the past month. Tonight I went to the Instrumental Praise performance at church and I just cried. I cried because I am so unworthy of all that I have. I cried because I have been so focused on myself, and what I want that I have allowed myself to give in to things that I shouldn't have. I cried because I haven't loved the way I need to, but I also cried because God sees all of that. He sees every single step that I have taken away from Him, and He still opens His arms back up for me to run into.
Do you ever get so focused on expectations of others, that you forget truths of who you are. Those tears were for that reason tonight. The rejection and pain of never being enough. It cuts so deep sometimes that I allow that pain, that rejection to be what defines me. Tears they aren't always about weakness. Sometimes tears help you find your strength. As I listened and watched tonight I just cried. I cried because I have chosen to look around, instead of up. I have chosen to waste time on social media, and chasing people that obviously don't want me in their lives. I have chosen to put those people before my God.
We lose focus a lot. Especially when that certain person gets a hold of us. They come into our lives like a freight train, trying to run us over. It isn't always a relationship, it sometimes is just someone that you connect with on this level that you didn't even know you had. Then before you know it, they are the ones you are focusing on instead of God. Wondering if they value you as much as you value them, and then you are so focused on that you forget that your purpose is to share Him with the world.
You start making excuses of why it is more important to open that FB app, then sit down and open your Bible. You start to check Tinder more often than you are connecting with God. Swiping right or left, instead of silently taking those minutes to pray for whoever God has for you. Now I don't think there is anything wrong with swiping right or left, but if that is becoming my giant. If that is becoming my hurdle that is keeping me away from where God wants me, then it isn't what I should be doing.
So tonight as I worshiped, and cried, and opened up my heart to what God wants. I realized that He wants my focus. He doesn't just want it in the spare moments of time that I choose to give it to Him. He wants my social media focus. He wants me to long for news from Him, the way I long for my phone to chime saying I have a new message. So until my longing for God matches my longing to know the latest FB gossip, I am going to stay off of it for awhile.
I will probably fail a couple of times, but the beauty in failing is that He is there to catch me when I fall. He is there to knock those giants down, and He will never cease to be there to let me back in His arms when I look up and remember the truths of whose I am.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxpVkbikDVQ
I was allowing my giants to be bigger than my God. I was seriously allowing myself to focus on all the bad. I was allowing myself to go down this path of longing and searching for something that just isn't where my focus should be. I don't believe that at this time God has taken the marriage/kids desire away from me, but He reminded me of what I am here for. He reminded me that when I look at what I don't have, instead of what I do, then I cease to worship Him in the way that He wants me to.
I have made so many mistakes in the past month. Tonight I went to the Instrumental Praise performance at church and I just cried. I cried because I am so unworthy of all that I have. I cried because I have been so focused on myself, and what I want that I have allowed myself to give in to things that I shouldn't have. I cried because I haven't loved the way I need to, but I also cried because God sees all of that. He sees every single step that I have taken away from Him, and He still opens His arms back up for me to run into.
Do you ever get so focused on expectations of others, that you forget truths of who you are. Those tears were for that reason tonight. The rejection and pain of never being enough. It cuts so deep sometimes that I allow that pain, that rejection to be what defines me. Tears they aren't always about weakness. Sometimes tears help you find your strength. As I listened and watched tonight I just cried. I cried because I have chosen to look around, instead of up. I have chosen to waste time on social media, and chasing people that obviously don't want me in their lives. I have chosen to put those people before my God.
We lose focus a lot. Especially when that certain person gets a hold of us. They come into our lives like a freight train, trying to run us over. It isn't always a relationship, it sometimes is just someone that you connect with on this level that you didn't even know you had. Then before you know it, they are the ones you are focusing on instead of God. Wondering if they value you as much as you value them, and then you are so focused on that you forget that your purpose is to share Him with the world.
You start making excuses of why it is more important to open that FB app, then sit down and open your Bible. You start to check Tinder more often than you are connecting with God. Swiping right or left, instead of silently taking those minutes to pray for whoever God has for you. Now I don't think there is anything wrong with swiping right or left, but if that is becoming my giant. If that is becoming my hurdle that is keeping me away from where God wants me, then it isn't what I should be doing.
So tonight as I worshiped, and cried, and opened up my heart to what God wants. I realized that He wants my focus. He doesn't just want it in the spare moments of time that I choose to give it to Him. He wants my social media focus. He wants me to long for news from Him, the way I long for my phone to chime saying I have a new message. So until my longing for God matches my longing to know the latest FB gossip, I am going to stay off of it for awhile.
I will probably fail a couple of times, but the beauty in failing is that He is there to catch me when I fall. He is there to knock those giants down, and He will never cease to be there to let me back in His arms when I look up and remember the truths of whose I am.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxpVkbikDVQ
Saturday, November 4, 2017
The Girl Next Door
It seems here lately that I find myself writing a lot about singleness. Sometimes I feel like I need to just let it go, and be okay with where I am and move forward. Then there are other times when I realize that this is my story right now. This is where I am, this is what I am dealing with, and it is okay if the best way for me to get through it is to write about it. So, if you are not wanting to read a blog about some of my latest thoughts on this subject, then probably don't read any further. Most of us write about what is going on in our lives. Whether that is singleness, the loss of a relationship, infertility, or just major life challenges. The weird thing to me is that we all seem to try to give advice, right? We have some sort of advice to give on every single problem that someone is facing. Married people, love to give advice to single people. People with kids love to give advice to those trying to be parents. It is what we do. So, for a moment just imagine a world in which we listen to understand what the person is saying, instead of listening to respond and tell the person what to do.
I had a wonderful day today, and usually at the end of wonderful days I have a lot of feelings and emotions that come out. I am not actually sure why it happens that way, but it does. I find myself thinking through a lot of things, and contemplating life choices. Maybe God uses my full days to help me work through tough things, because on my not so full days, I can't always handle them. Maybe?
For pretty much my whole life I have been the girl next door. Not the cute, pretty one, that was always getting asked out, but the one that everyone turns to when they need a friend, or they need someone to go out of their way to lend a hand. I am that girl that would bend over backwards for someone no matter what because they are my friend. Sometimes this causes me to read too much into friendships. Sometimes it causes men to see me as a friend and nothing else. Actually a lot of times it does. It is hard being the girl next door. It is hard never being seen as someone worthy of being chased, pursued, and loved by a man without them wanting something in return. Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to feel, when we don't know for sure that there will be feelings back? Why are there so many decent, single, human beings in the world longing for relationships that they aren't able to find?
I'm struggling right now to understand this. I am struggling to understand how my desires to get married and have kids just have to be pushed aside, because it is not the right "timing." I chose to move overseas. I chose to live life in far away lands, but was it at the expense of never getting married and having kids? I chose to live a life that was focused on God, and doing what I thought I should, and in some ways I feel like I am constantly being punished for that because I don't have a family to call my own.
I don't know what it is like to lose the love of my life. I don't know what it is like to have someone that I thought I was going to spend my entire earthly life with, walk out the door. I don't know that heartache, because I have never had the chance to even feel it (and that's not a bad thing). Because I am 36, single and kid-less, does that mean that I have missed out on that portion of my life?
I know, I know what so many people are going to say. It's God's timing... He's teaching you something through this. I'm going to say, I have no doubt about that. I know He is teaching me a lot, but I also know the longing I feel isn't going away. Is there always going to be this constant ache, this void that never gets filled? It hurts, it's painful, and please don't write it off as something that I should just get over.
I am fine being the girl next door. Because you know what? That girl, she won't fail you. That girl, she is always going to be a listening ear. She is always going to let you pretty much walk all over her, because she loves hard. That girl, she is strong, and courageous, because she has been hurt. She has been hurt by never being the one. She has been hurt by those that look right through her. She has been hurt by those that want to tell her it is much better to stay single. That her life means something, maybe just not as much as a single mother's life, or a family of seven's life. But her life does mean something.
Those may be the words that are spoken, to her, but those aren't the words that are spoken about her. When she turns around and walks away after pouring out her heart to her married for 25 years with 3 kids friend. Those aren't the words spoken about her when she says that she doesn't have time to volunteer for the latest church function. When the mother with 3 kids is looking at her like, "what do you even have going on." Those aren't the words spoken when a friend talks to her husband about her husband's single friend and how they would be perfect for each other.
Singleness isn't something to be fixed, yet we all act like it is. It feels like a sick brokenness that is unable to be healed except by marriage. Not just any marriage, but marriage to this one person that is your soulmate. Isn't that what we have taught our daughters and sons to believe? Isn't that what we have allowed ourselves to believe? We tell them that they are not complete without someone else. We teach them that God created us for a partnership with one other person. Then they grow up, and don't find that fairy-tale. Or they grow up thinking that they have to have the perfect trophy wife/husband, when really who they need is someone that strengthens them and challenges them to grow closer to God everyday.
I don't actually know the answer, but I know that there is a void in me that many people will tell me I am trying to fill with other things. I know that. I don't need judgement, or advice. I just need understanding, and compassion. We all have our things, right? We all have those things that draw us away from God. Those things that try to steal our joy, and peace. We all have our crutches.
Sometimes my faith in God comes easy, and I have no problem believing that the desire for marriage and children is going to be filled. But others, like today I just can't wrap my mind around why me and so many others are walking around alone in a world full of people! Faith doesn't mean never having any doubts. I think that my faith is strengthened by my doubts. So I keep doubting. I keep looking forward, and loving those around me.
I embrace the girl next door, because after all she is who I feel like God has called me to be for this time. The girl that is there for those around her. She is willing to give up time, money, or whatever it takes to show people they are loved. Sometimes that means she loves too hard. Sometimes that means that she makes mistakes, and has to apologize. Sometimes that means she leaves a conversation not knowing where she stands, or what she even feels. But mostly it means that she keeps walking down the path of faith. Mostly it means that she never gives up, and keeps trying to be exactly where God wants her to be. Sometimes that means that she gets hurt, she gets her heart broken, and she doesn't find the love that she is searching for. But in the midst of that heartache, she grows in His strength and love, she deepens her understanding of what it means to walk by faith, and believe in things that she has yet to see.
I had a wonderful day today, and usually at the end of wonderful days I have a lot of feelings and emotions that come out. I am not actually sure why it happens that way, but it does. I find myself thinking through a lot of things, and contemplating life choices. Maybe God uses my full days to help me work through tough things, because on my not so full days, I can't always handle them. Maybe?
For pretty much my whole life I have been the girl next door. Not the cute, pretty one, that was always getting asked out, but the one that everyone turns to when they need a friend, or they need someone to go out of their way to lend a hand. I am that girl that would bend over backwards for someone no matter what because they are my friend. Sometimes this causes me to read too much into friendships. Sometimes it causes men to see me as a friend and nothing else. Actually a lot of times it does. It is hard being the girl next door. It is hard never being seen as someone worthy of being chased, pursued, and loved by a man without them wanting something in return. Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to feel, when we don't know for sure that there will be feelings back? Why are there so many decent, single, human beings in the world longing for relationships that they aren't able to find?
I'm struggling right now to understand this. I am struggling to understand how my desires to get married and have kids just have to be pushed aside, because it is not the right "timing." I chose to move overseas. I chose to live life in far away lands, but was it at the expense of never getting married and having kids? I chose to live a life that was focused on God, and doing what I thought I should, and in some ways I feel like I am constantly being punished for that because I don't have a family to call my own.
I don't know what it is like to lose the love of my life. I don't know what it is like to have someone that I thought I was going to spend my entire earthly life with, walk out the door. I don't know that heartache, because I have never had the chance to even feel it (and that's not a bad thing). Because I am 36, single and kid-less, does that mean that I have missed out on that portion of my life?
I know, I know what so many people are going to say. It's God's timing... He's teaching you something through this. I'm going to say, I have no doubt about that. I know He is teaching me a lot, but I also know the longing I feel isn't going away. Is there always going to be this constant ache, this void that never gets filled? It hurts, it's painful, and please don't write it off as something that I should just get over.
I am fine being the girl next door. Because you know what? That girl, she won't fail you. That girl, she is always going to be a listening ear. She is always going to let you pretty much walk all over her, because she loves hard. That girl, she is strong, and courageous, because she has been hurt. She has been hurt by never being the one. She has been hurt by those that look right through her. She has been hurt by those that want to tell her it is much better to stay single. That her life means something, maybe just not as much as a single mother's life, or a family of seven's life. But her life does mean something.
Those may be the words that are spoken, to her, but those aren't the words that are spoken about her. When she turns around and walks away after pouring out her heart to her married for 25 years with 3 kids friend. Those aren't the words spoken about her when she says that she doesn't have time to volunteer for the latest church function. When the mother with 3 kids is looking at her like, "what do you even have going on." Those aren't the words spoken when a friend talks to her husband about her husband's single friend and how they would be perfect for each other.
Singleness isn't something to be fixed, yet we all act like it is. It feels like a sick brokenness that is unable to be healed except by marriage. Not just any marriage, but marriage to this one person that is your soulmate. Isn't that what we have taught our daughters and sons to believe? Isn't that what we have allowed ourselves to believe? We tell them that they are not complete without someone else. We teach them that God created us for a partnership with one other person. Then they grow up, and don't find that fairy-tale. Or they grow up thinking that they have to have the perfect trophy wife/husband, when really who they need is someone that strengthens them and challenges them to grow closer to God everyday.
I don't actually know the answer, but I know that there is a void in me that many people will tell me I am trying to fill with other things. I know that. I don't need judgement, or advice. I just need understanding, and compassion. We all have our things, right? We all have those things that draw us away from God. Those things that try to steal our joy, and peace. We all have our crutches.
Sometimes my faith in God comes easy, and I have no problem believing that the desire for marriage and children is going to be filled. But others, like today I just can't wrap my mind around why me and so many others are walking around alone in a world full of people! Faith doesn't mean never having any doubts. I think that my faith is strengthened by my doubts. So I keep doubting. I keep looking forward, and loving those around me.
I embrace the girl next door, because after all she is who I feel like God has called me to be for this time. The girl that is there for those around her. She is willing to give up time, money, or whatever it takes to show people they are loved. Sometimes that means she loves too hard. Sometimes that means that she makes mistakes, and has to apologize. Sometimes that means she leaves a conversation not knowing where she stands, or what she even feels. But mostly it means that she keeps walking down the path of faith. Mostly it means that she never gives up, and keeps trying to be exactly where God wants her to be. Sometimes that means that she gets hurt, she gets her heart broken, and she doesn't find the love that she is searching for. But in the midst of that heartache, she grows in His strength and love, she deepens her understanding of what it means to walk by faith, and believe in things that she has yet to see.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
The Unexpected...
Do you ever get so caught up in thinking that all people are the same that you just lump people together that have similar views, and write them off. I admit that I have done that in the past couple of months. Someone in particular gave me a bad taste for those that don't think the way I do, and I kind of just started putting everyone with similar views in the same category. It wasn't even something that I was trying to do, or even knew I was doing until the other day. Then I realized that I had closed the door on something because of this lumping that was happening.
We live in a world with so many different views. There are conservative people, liberal people, in between people, those that believe in God, those that don't believe in God, those that preach God with the highest form of volume, and those that softly sing His praises. It is so hard to know and understand exactly where we fit in and how to keep living life without lumping people together.
I never want to be a lumper (yes I realize that's not an actual word). I never want to see people with similar views and just pretend that I know everything about them, because I don't. I don't truly know their hearts, until I sit down and have a conversation with them, even then it isn't for me to judge them. I can try my hardest to speak love and truth.
There are a couple of people (okay more than a couple) in my life that have very different views than I do. We have the most important things in common, but when it comes to some of the nitty gritty that we all feel passionately about we don't see eye to eye at all. About 5 months ago I met someone that couldn't ever be wrong. It was an awful experience one in which I was determined that I could never possibly engage myself with people that didn't have similar thoughts on life, government, politics, and religion as myself. Because this person could never see things from anyone else's viewpoint. That's an awful place to live if you ask me.
God started changing me like He often does. In the past couple of months He has started showing me that maybe some things I think, are not as concrete as I would like them to be, and maybe I don't need to think that every conservative person is as hard-hearted as I thought. Maybe there is a common ground, and maybe I could start opening myself up to that in ways that I had closed myself off before.
When we lump people together we lose out, because we cease to see them as the individual creation that God chose them to be. We instead see them as this big puzzle instead of just seeing the piece that makes up part of the picture. When we lump people together we lose part of the grace and mercy that makes God who He is. When we lump people together we miss out on having them woven into the fabric of our lives.
So, here is to letting in those people that I don't always agree with. Here is to opening up my eyes to learn and grow from those that don't see things the way I do. Here is to breaking down walls, and not lumping everyone in the same category because categories aren't what defines us. Here is to leaving behind preconceived notions and opening up to new experiences and risks.
Embracing the unexpected....
We live in a world with so many different views. There are conservative people, liberal people, in between people, those that believe in God, those that don't believe in God, those that preach God with the highest form of volume, and those that softly sing His praises. It is so hard to know and understand exactly where we fit in and how to keep living life without lumping people together.
I never want to be a lumper (yes I realize that's not an actual word). I never want to see people with similar views and just pretend that I know everything about them, because I don't. I don't truly know their hearts, until I sit down and have a conversation with them, even then it isn't for me to judge them. I can try my hardest to speak love and truth.
There are a couple of people (okay more than a couple) in my life that have very different views than I do. We have the most important things in common, but when it comes to some of the nitty gritty that we all feel passionately about we don't see eye to eye at all. About 5 months ago I met someone that couldn't ever be wrong. It was an awful experience one in which I was determined that I could never possibly engage myself with people that didn't have similar thoughts on life, government, politics, and religion as myself. Because this person could never see things from anyone else's viewpoint. That's an awful place to live if you ask me.
God started changing me like He often does. In the past couple of months He has started showing me that maybe some things I think, are not as concrete as I would like them to be, and maybe I don't need to think that every conservative person is as hard-hearted as I thought. Maybe there is a common ground, and maybe I could start opening myself up to that in ways that I had closed myself off before.
When we lump people together we lose out, because we cease to see them as the individual creation that God chose them to be. We instead see them as this big puzzle instead of just seeing the piece that makes up part of the picture. When we lump people together we lose part of the grace and mercy that makes God who He is. When we lump people together we miss out on having them woven into the fabric of our lives.
So, here is to letting in those people that I don't always agree with. Here is to opening up my eyes to learn and grow from those that don't see things the way I do. Here is to breaking down walls, and not lumping everyone in the same category because categories aren't what defines us. Here is to leaving behind preconceived notions and opening up to new experiences and risks.
Embracing the unexpected....
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