31 Days of Christmas Blogging....

Today I decided was the day...31 days of Christmas blogging.  Not sure what these next 31 days will be like, but I miss writing.  I miss just getting my thoughts out there into the world of blogs....wondering who cares enough to read it, or who might one day read it.  So here we go......


Day 31.....

There are now 30 days left till the end of the year.  I can hardly believe that another year has come and gone.  This year I started my year off in another country, wishing I was back in Missouri so I could be with a certain boy...

Well what we wish for isn't always what we really need.  It has taken a lot for me to realize that my dreams aren't necessarily what I believed them to be.  I had some tough things happen this year.   It seems tough things happen every year.  I guess that is life though, right?  Just when you think you have made it through one obstacle...BAM!  You are whacked over the head with something even more dramatic then the thing that happened before.  

When I was 16 I remember thinking...when I'm 18....life is going to be so great.  I'm going to know where I'm going...I'm going to have control over everything.  Then I turned 18, and realized it wasn't true.  So I thought....I can't wait till I turn 21....I can drink....I can be that much closer to "real life."  Then I turned 21, and guess what?????  I still had NO IDEA what I was doing.  

There were so many age milestones.....25.....30.....and now I am 33 and guess what I still have NO IDEA how to be a grown-up.  I really don't!  

The thing is though the older I get the more I just stopped caring about being a grown-up.  I don't have it all figured out.  I don't think I ever will.  I am just living my life, the best that I know how.  

These last few weeks have made me realize just how mean and cruel people can be.  Sometimes we are mean because we are hearing truth from others that we don't want to hear.  Sometimes we are mean because we aren't getting our way. Sometimes we are mean because we feel like it is the only way to protect ourselves from getting hurt.  Sometimes we are mean because we feel like if we are nice people might see the real us, and might see the vulnerability that is inside.  

For me the next 30 days I want to be about being vulnerable.  About being real.  About not hiding behind this mask that I have created for myself, and about loving those around me.  

Love means being vulnerable.  Love means opening up to whatever comes your way.  Love means letting go of all the apprehension and judgement that we feel and just being us.  Being the imperfect, human beings that we were created to be.  In this great big mess of a world....I am happy to just be me.