2019 will be here in less than two days. I LOVE this time of year! Although I have always said that I feel like the New Year should actually start in August, but it doesn't so here we go.
This next year I want to focus on doing the things that are going to make me a healthy, happier person. I noticed that I start a lot of things and don't finish them. Or I get to February and just give up. So this year is going to be focused. I am going to work out, I am going to eat right, I am going to journal and pray, I am going to read more. These are the things that I know will help me to be healthier and happier. I am not going to make excuses anymore of why I can't do this or that. So if I say no to a social activity, or don't seem as present on social media, it is just because I am over here living my life to the fullest!
I'm thankful that I am finally in a place of healing. The past 5 years had a lot of brokenness. Brokenness as a teacher, as a friends, and as a human being. I found myself struggling with how to even function. This past year I spent a lot of time healing and searching for who I wanted to be and the truths that I knew to be true about myself. I am so thankful to have let go of the things and people that broke me.
Here's to 2019. May I stay focused on what's important, finish the tasks set before me, and let go of those things that don't belong! May it be the BEST YET!
Sunday, December 30, 2018
A Year in Review 2018 in a nutshell
This was the year.... the year that I found my voice, found my drive, found my self-esteem. This was the year that I decided I wasn't going to take crap and stay in toxic places. This was MY Year. Not everything that happened was fantastic. In fact I started the year in a VERY toxic place in a VERY toxic state of mind. But I am ending it in a totally new and different place. I am happy with where my life is. I am not running from crush to crush wondering who might be there to walk with me for life. I have put value in my singleness. I look forward to going to work everyday. I have sacrificed time and energy to spend time with people this year. I find myself focusing more on being a better, kinder and more loving person. I have patched up some broken relationships and let go of some toxic ones. I have decided that I don't have to be liked by everyone, I just need a few good people in my life that love me and want to cheer me on. I have walked through some tough moments where I doubted my self-worth. I have forgiven those for past hurts, and I have said hello again to some old friends. I have realized that in life we have to say we are sorry. We have to give up control, and we have to let other people know how we feel.
I spent most of January and February volunteering for Room At the Inn. An experience that showed me a different side to the homeless population. An experience that opened my eyes to see just how caring and loving our CoMo community is. I'm thankful that's how my year started. I am thankful that I was able to experience those long cold nights, and meet people that I later would pass on the street. They have names, they have stories, and they need to know they are valuable.
The end of February brought True/False into my life again. So thankful for that film festival and what it means to this community. Thankful for the people I have met because of it. Thankful for how it has changed me, and how it continues to change me every year. The films are amazing, and I know that they change me.
March and April were confusing months for me. Do you ever feel betrayed by someone that you thought was a long-time friend? They lead you on, and then all of a sudden they are not in your life anymore in the way that you hoped they would be? Well that happened, and it made me so sad. The loss hurt, it was a very big disappointment, but I moved on.
My sister and brother-in-law also got their foster daughter! We were able to meet her, and I am so glad that she joined our family even if it is temporary.
In June I was able to get together with my sisters, and cousins for a fun trip to Michigan. It was a lovely weekend full of great conversation, good food, and a great last visit with my uncle. We didn't know at the time, but he would pass away in August.
July was moving month! Yay! No longer in a place where I didn't feel welcome. I left behind so much anxiety that I didn't even know I had. I also started a new job. The new job would prove to be one of those jobs that you just don't know are going to be super awful until you are in the midst of them.
August brought the death of my uncle. It was a very tough loss. I still have moments of just crying out to God of why it had to happen now. I ended up going to Michigan for a quick trip to be with my aunt and cousins. I will never regret that trip. I'm thankful that I am at a place in life where I can just go.
September brought Roots N Blues. So many great artists this year. A Blues Cat once again. I'm so thankful for a music festival in our city. We also had the celebration of life for my uncle. So many memories with him and my cousins. So many good stories. So thankful for his life, and what he taught so many people.
October brought a new job search. My old job was proving to be more toxic than I even realized. Gossip, and backstabbing right and left. Also, I realized that I was not working in a place that I believed in. So, a new job it was! Got hired, and recruitment for GS is the right place for me at this time!
November was Thanksgiving. A time spent with family and reflecting on all that I have. I'm thankful for my family. We may not be perfect, but we are there for each other, and we enjoy each other's company. For that I will always be blessed.
December was by far the greatest month of 2018. Mostly because I was able to spend so much time with friends and family. I was able to travel to Michigan again, then Pennsylvania, a quick stop in Ohio, and then on to Kentucky. So thankful for that road trip. Thankful for 2 whole weeks off of work for the first time in a very long time. I don't have a lot of money, but I sure do enjoy traveling, and being loved by people. Another highlight of December was time spend with family. Sisters, nephews, mom, dad, step-mom, brother-inlaws. So thankful for each and every one of them!
Lessons learned this year:
*Time with friends and family is worth the sacrifice
*People are greater than things
*You don't have to stay in toxic places
*Life is hard but count your blessings
*Serve till it hurts, because what you get in return is worth it!
I spent most of January and February volunteering for Room At the Inn. An experience that showed me a different side to the homeless population. An experience that opened my eyes to see just how caring and loving our CoMo community is. I'm thankful that's how my year started. I am thankful that I was able to experience those long cold nights, and meet people that I later would pass on the street. They have names, they have stories, and they need to know they are valuable.
The end of February brought True/False into my life again. So thankful for that film festival and what it means to this community. Thankful for the people I have met because of it. Thankful for how it has changed me, and how it continues to change me every year. The films are amazing, and I know that they change me.
March and April were confusing months for me. Do you ever feel betrayed by someone that you thought was a long-time friend? They lead you on, and then all of a sudden they are not in your life anymore in the way that you hoped they would be? Well that happened, and it made me so sad. The loss hurt, it was a very big disappointment, but I moved on.
My sister and brother-in-law also got their foster daughter! We were able to meet her, and I am so glad that she joined our family even if it is temporary.
In June I was able to get together with my sisters, and cousins for a fun trip to Michigan. It was a lovely weekend full of great conversation, good food, and a great last visit with my uncle. We didn't know at the time, but he would pass away in August.
July was moving month! Yay! No longer in a place where I didn't feel welcome. I left behind so much anxiety that I didn't even know I had. I also started a new job. The new job would prove to be one of those jobs that you just don't know are going to be super awful until you are in the midst of them.
August brought the death of my uncle. It was a very tough loss. I still have moments of just crying out to God of why it had to happen now. I ended up going to Michigan for a quick trip to be with my aunt and cousins. I will never regret that trip. I'm thankful that I am at a place in life where I can just go.
September brought Roots N Blues. So many great artists this year. A Blues Cat once again. I'm so thankful for a music festival in our city. We also had the celebration of life for my uncle. So many memories with him and my cousins. So many good stories. So thankful for his life, and what he taught so many people.
October brought a new job search. My old job was proving to be more toxic than I even realized. Gossip, and backstabbing right and left. Also, I realized that I was not working in a place that I believed in. So, a new job it was! Got hired, and recruitment for GS is the right place for me at this time!
November was Thanksgiving. A time spent with family and reflecting on all that I have. I'm thankful for my family. We may not be perfect, but we are there for each other, and we enjoy each other's company. For that I will always be blessed.
December was by far the greatest month of 2018. Mostly because I was able to spend so much time with friends and family. I was able to travel to Michigan again, then Pennsylvania, a quick stop in Ohio, and then on to Kentucky. So thankful for that road trip. Thankful for 2 whole weeks off of work for the first time in a very long time. I don't have a lot of money, but I sure do enjoy traveling, and being loved by people. Another highlight of December was time spend with family. Sisters, nephews, mom, dad, step-mom, brother-inlaws. So thankful for each and every one of them!
Lessons learned this year:
*Time with friends and family is worth the sacrifice
*People are greater than things
*You don't have to stay in toxic places
*Life is hard but count your blessings
*Serve till it hurts, because what you get in return is worth it!
Disappointment and Focus
Typically I deal with disappointment pretty well. I dwell on it for couple of days, and then I move on. Only thinking about it every now and then after that. When things don't happen that we really want to happen. When something that someone was going to do for us falls through. When that person that we thought had interest doesn't pursue, when we have a job interview and don't get the job. Disappointments come in all shapes and sizes. The thing is that I know that there are going to be disappointments in life. One happened for me yesterday. But I want to get better at dealing with them.
People aren't going to meet my expectations. Things are going to fall through.
I feel quite disappointed that I don't have a family of my own, but then I realize just how lucky I am to have family and friends that surround me when I need them to. My life might look very different at the age of 37 than I thought it was going to, but I am super thankful for it. I'm thankful that I can do things that I want to do, and I don't have to worry about how it will impact others. I choose to spend time with people. I choose to be the one to text first to set up dinner dates, or other social engagements, but I don't want to be bitter about that.
There are a couple of people in my life that are really bitter that more people don't reach out to them to see how they are doing. I have discovered, that some people are just the reachers. They are the ones that seek out those experiences. They are the ones that try to engage people in social interaction. Some people are only ever the accepters. They happily accept social engagements, but they do not think to the be initiator of such engagements.
We have to understand that everyone has a life of their own. That we can't control everything. Sometimes we have to give in and let someone even if it is a child have some of the control. They need to be able to be free to have some control. I get disappointed when people don't act the way I want them to. I want to force people to make the right decisions and choices, but in the end I truly am only responsible for the things I do and say.
So, I focus on what I can control. I focus on my reaction when things happen that disappointment, and I realize that the thing that didn't go my way is actually a blessing in disguise.
For instance my singleness. I think about the men that I have considered to be worthy of my love and affection. I realize that I am SO glad that nothing ever worked out with any of them. Because in all reality none of them would have fit into my life. None of them were or even are currently in a place where they are putting Jesus as number one. If I am hones with myself that is truly what I want. I don't want someone who is ritualistic religious, I want someone who is spiritual. Someone who is going to see the positive in everyday life, who is going to help me to see it as well. Someone that is strong when I need him to be. Not someone who I have to help see their worth every two seconds. Honestly that's just plain exhausting.
So I look at those disappointments and I see that I am far better off exactly where I am then with someone that would have only been bringing me down, and turning me into a negative creature of darkness.
Focus on the good. Focus on what you can change. Focus on what you have instead of what you don't, and those disappointments will quickly become the silver linings on that dark cloud.
So today I am thankful for the disappointments, for the things that didn't work on. I have hopes that 2019 will be a year full of things that do work out, but we never really know do we? For now I am thankful for all that has been, and excited for all that will be.
People aren't going to meet my expectations. Things are going to fall through.
I feel quite disappointed that I don't have a family of my own, but then I realize just how lucky I am to have family and friends that surround me when I need them to. My life might look very different at the age of 37 than I thought it was going to, but I am super thankful for it. I'm thankful that I can do things that I want to do, and I don't have to worry about how it will impact others. I choose to spend time with people. I choose to be the one to text first to set up dinner dates, or other social engagements, but I don't want to be bitter about that.
There are a couple of people in my life that are really bitter that more people don't reach out to them to see how they are doing. I have discovered, that some people are just the reachers. They are the ones that seek out those experiences. They are the ones that try to engage people in social interaction. Some people are only ever the accepters. They happily accept social engagements, but they do not think to the be initiator of such engagements.
We have to understand that everyone has a life of their own. That we can't control everything. Sometimes we have to give in and let someone even if it is a child have some of the control. They need to be able to be free to have some control. I get disappointed when people don't act the way I want them to. I want to force people to make the right decisions and choices, but in the end I truly am only responsible for the things I do and say.
So, I focus on what I can control. I focus on my reaction when things happen that disappointment, and I realize that the thing that didn't go my way is actually a blessing in disguise.
For instance my singleness. I think about the men that I have considered to be worthy of my love and affection. I realize that I am SO glad that nothing ever worked out with any of them. Because in all reality none of them would have fit into my life. None of them were or even are currently in a place where they are putting Jesus as number one. If I am hones with myself that is truly what I want. I don't want someone who is ritualistic religious, I want someone who is spiritual. Someone who is going to see the positive in everyday life, who is going to help me to see it as well. Someone that is strong when I need him to be. Not someone who I have to help see their worth every two seconds. Honestly that's just plain exhausting.
So I look at those disappointments and I see that I am far better off exactly where I am then with someone that would have only been bringing me down, and turning me into a negative creature of darkness.
Focus on the good. Focus on what you can change. Focus on what you have instead of what you don't, and those disappointments will quickly become the silver linings on that dark cloud.
So today I am thankful for the disappointments, for the things that didn't work on. I have hopes that 2019 will be a year full of things that do work out, but we never really know do we? For now I am thankful for all that has been, and excited for all that will be.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Updated 40 before 40...
I had to do a new list. It's a process. Here it is....
1. Renaissance Festival (completed Fall 2017)
2. New Year's in NYC (hoping for Dec. 2019)
3. Pay Down Student Loans
4. Get a tattoo ( completed Aug. 2016 Elephant, June 2017 owl)
5. See a show at the Fox
6. Learn how to put together wine and cheese platters.
7. Hike some of the PCT and AT
8. Get in the best shape of my life.
9. Go to 5 famous art museums
a. Metropolitan Museum of Art
b. Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
c. National Gallery of Art (Wash DC)
d. Cleveland Museum of Art
e. Art Institute of Chicago
10. Visit Napa Valley
11. Go on a cruise
12. Learn how to cook risotto
13. Go to a racetrack
14. Go to the Kentucky Derby (completed May 2017)
15. Take a Road Trip (completed Dec. 2018 MI, Penn. Ohio, Kentucky)
16. Learn to Quilt
17. Read 100 Books
18. Have a Spa Day
19. Cook/Bake Gma's Recipes
20. See the Northern Lights
21. Go to all 50 states
22. Complete 5, 5K's
23. Complete 5, 10K's
24. Complete a half marathon
25. Try Rock Climbing
26. Watch every film on AFI top 100
27. Write and publish a book
28. Take 4 solitude retreats
29. Have a signature dish
30. Go for High Tea
31. Sleep in a Haunted House
32. Practice Yoga and Meditation
33. Create a hashtag (complete #authenticallylivinglife)
34. Blog More Often
35. Send 10 handmade cards a year
36. Simplify my life
37. Learn Tennis well enough to play with my cousins
38. Take an Art Class
39. Be all in for my business
40. Start a mini-garden
It looks like I have a lot still to do! :) But how fun it is going to be to plan these!
1. Renaissance Festival (completed Fall 2017)
2. New Year's in NYC (hoping for Dec. 2019)
3. Pay Down Student Loans
4. Get a tattoo ( completed Aug. 2016 Elephant, June 2017 owl)
5. See a show at the Fox
6. Learn how to put together wine and cheese platters.
7. Hike some of the PCT and AT
8. Get in the best shape of my life.
9. Go to 5 famous art museums
a. Metropolitan Museum of Art
b. Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
c. National Gallery of Art (Wash DC)
d. Cleveland Museum of Art
e. Art Institute of Chicago
10. Visit Napa Valley
11. Go on a cruise
12. Learn how to cook risotto
13. Go to a racetrack
14. Go to the Kentucky Derby (completed May 2017)
15. Take a Road Trip (completed Dec. 2018 MI, Penn. Ohio, Kentucky)
16. Learn to Quilt
17. Read 100 Books
18. Have a Spa Day
19. Cook/Bake Gma's Recipes
20. See the Northern Lights
21. Go to all 50 states
22. Complete 5, 5K's
23. Complete 5, 10K's
24. Complete a half marathon
25. Try Rock Climbing
26. Watch every film on AFI top 100
27. Write and publish a book
28. Take 4 solitude retreats
29. Have a signature dish
30. Go for High Tea
31. Sleep in a Haunted House
32. Practice Yoga and Meditation
33. Create a hashtag (complete #authenticallylivinglife)
34. Blog More Often
35. Send 10 handmade cards a year
36. Simplify my life
37. Learn Tennis well enough to play with my cousins
38. Take an Art Class
39. Be all in for my business
40. Start a mini-garden
It looks like I have a lot still to do! :) But how fun it is going to be to plan these!
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Advent - Day 19
I'm skipping a few days, but I decided to get myself back on track this way, and then I will do some more blogging of the days I have missed once I get time.
Thinking about joy. Oftentimes I find myself in a joyless state. I usually am thinking about everything that is going wrong instead of how much I have. I think that my life is awful, but then I remember just how much I have. Practicing gratitude sure does help me to know how much I have. Sometimes I forget until I sit down and start listing all the good things that are in my life. My friends, my family, the roof over my head. These are all things that I take for granted. So, today I am thankful for the things I have. I want to live in a joyful state. Joyfulness comes with gratitude.
Thinking about joy. Oftentimes I find myself in a joyless state. I usually am thinking about everything that is going wrong instead of how much I have. I think that my life is awful, but then I remember just how much I have. Practicing gratitude sure does help me to know how much I have. Sometimes I forget until I sit down and start listing all the good things that are in my life. My friends, my family, the roof over my head. These are all things that I take for granted. So, today I am thankful for the things I have. I want to live in a joyful state. Joyfulness comes with gratitude.
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
Advent- Day 11
Dreams. We all have them. Some of them I believe are ordained by God, and some of them are our ways that we just use the control that we feel like we should have to bring sin into our lives. I have seen some dreams so vividly that I honestly thought they were from God, only later to discover they definitely were not. I think today there are a few dreams that I have seen clearly. But I feel like God is telling me to wait. How do I wait and still have dreams? It is not putting them on the back burner necessarily, but just pausing them. Realizing that the best dreams are fulfilled with God's timing.
Advent- Day 10
Delight in the Lord. What does that look like? I think for me that means to find the joy in what He has given me. So often I find myself complaining too much. During this season of Advent why am I not focusing on the joy of the season? I want to intensely pursue worshiping Him.
Advent- Day 9
Today's theme is peace. Stepping away from all of the noise, and things that want to crowd out the peace that is Jesus. We get so busy that we live in chaos instead of peace.
I even mentioned this week to my cousin, how did it become this. How did Christmas become this time when you feel the need to buy a gift for everyone. Yes it is nice to feel loved by getting a gift, but I think we also should be at a place where if we don't have the money, we don't get the gift. Right? No one should be going into debt because they feel like they have to buy gifts for everyone.
So, I am going to take time today to step back away from the noise. To stop all the chaos, and breathe in the peace.
I even mentioned this week to my cousin, how did it become this. How did Christmas become this time when you feel the need to buy a gift for everyone. Yes it is nice to feel loved by getting a gift, but I think we also should be at a place where if we don't have the money, we don't get the gift. Right? No one should be going into debt because they feel like they have to buy gifts for everyone.
So, I am going to take time today to step back away from the noise. To stop all the chaos, and breathe in the peace.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Advent- Day 8
I'm finally caught up on my Days of Advent. I want to get to a place where I have time for everything that I need. Right now I feel like my time is so rushed, and there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. Mostly I want to have more time to just be. To just be with people. To love them, to help them, and to understand them. When I think about Jesus, He isn't a Jesus that walked around throwing tables over all the time, or kicking out refugees. He is a Jesus that was there for people. God with us- Immanuel. He was a Jesus that would wait and listen until you had everything off your chest that you needed to say. I want to get to a place where I can be that kind of person. The kind that listens even though I have a billion other things to do, and have already heard the story you are telling me 20 times. The kind of person that doesn't judge other's life choices. The kind of person that is able to understand where people are coming from, and tries my best to see Jesus in every person that I meet. On this day of advent, my focus is to be with others. Intentionally with them, loving them right where they are. Just like He did for me.
Advent- Day 7
Sin. There is so much of it in this world. By nature we choose to do things everyday that are not good. We are selfish beings. Some people believe in a God that sent His son to die to save people from the awful things that they do. I choose to believe. But it doesn't mean that sometimes I don't doubt, or ask why. I often find myself wondering why I put so much of my time and energy into a world that is being destroyed on a daily basis by our sin, by my own sin. I let it run my life. I don't look up most of the time. Instead I wallow in the awfulness that happens to me, and those that I love. I take refuge in the world, instead of the One I believe to have come to redeem His people. As I go through my day, may my focus and refuge be up, instead of out.
Advent- Day 6
Focusing on Him being my hope. Not a lot to write today. Just trying to focus more on who He is, and what I believe to be true.
Advent- Day 5
Today's devotion stated this, "The people we despise in society can hold a significant place in God's overall plan." I find myself today thinking of those that are despised especially by the so called "Christians" out there. It makes me sad to think that we have written people off. There are people that we see as unreachable, or not good enough or whatever it may be. On this day of Advent I remind myself that I am just one of the regular people that does things wrong all the time that Jesus chooses to use. There is nothing special about me in comparison to anyone else. Yet, my life does matter. We have to stop ranking people. It isn't good for us. It isn't good for our world. It especially isn't what we are called to. So, today I think about my judgment on others, and how I put myself more highly than I ought most of the time. I remember that my life is just as valuable as the refugee's trying to get to another country by any means they can.
Advent- Day 4
Anticipation of the Messiah's birth. Do I anticipate Him? Sometimes I feel like I am so wrapped up in checking off my list of things to do, or going from this place to that. I forget to anticipate a the time when there will be no more fear. I forget to anticipate the justice, peace, and righteousness that will be Jesus' reign. Hoping in that even though I don't see it yet with patience. Knowing that He is faithful. I think that is the hardest part sometimes. Releasing control, and allowing Him to just have it. Resting in the fact that He knows all, and He is on top of things. So today, on Day 4 of advent, I try to anticipate the day when He will reign.
Monday, December 3, 2018
Advent- Day 3
One of my devotionals in the You Version is all about Hope this week. I really think that I need this reminder because I feel like there are a lot of things I have lost hope in. For instance getting married and being a mom. I really do think that my hope is gone in that every happening for me. It will be a mourning process, and then I will move on. But I just don't know that I believe at this point that it can really happen.
Does that mean that I have lost hope in God? No, it doesn't. But it just means that I think that His plans might not be my plans. It is sad for me, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I just think that's the way it is.
I do still have Hope though. I have hope that one day Jesus will come back and reconcile this world. Broken relationships, are the number one thing that I can't wait for him to redeem. I hate when things get so messed up. Misunderstandings happen, and most of the time when communication happens and two or more people are willing to see things from the other person's point of view... they can be fixed. But there are the sometimes when the relationships are just broken and there is nothing that can be done to repair them. So, my hope is in the coming of Jesus. In the restoration of those relationships. In the coming of the Prince of Peace.
While I am waiting I am going to do everything that I can to understand others, and communicate love. I know that I am going to fail, a lot. But I am going to try my best. Putting my Hope in the one that knows brokenness is the best way to start. At least that's what I think!
Does that mean that I have lost hope in God? No, it doesn't. But it just means that I think that His plans might not be my plans. It is sad for me, and I wish it wasn't that way, but I just think that's the way it is.
I do still have Hope though. I have hope that one day Jesus will come back and reconcile this world. Broken relationships, are the number one thing that I can't wait for him to redeem. I hate when things get so messed up. Misunderstandings happen, and most of the time when communication happens and two or more people are willing to see things from the other person's point of view... they can be fixed. But there are the sometimes when the relationships are just broken and there is nothing that can be done to repair them. So, my hope is in the coming of Jesus. In the restoration of those relationships. In the coming of the Prince of Peace.
While I am waiting I am going to do everything that I can to understand others, and communicate love. I know that I am going to fail, a lot. But I am going to try my best. Putting my Hope in the one that knows brokenness is the best way to start. At least that's what I think!
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Advent- Day 2
Darkness and light. We know that it exists. You can't turn on the news, or walk around outside without coming across something or someone that seems void of light. Our world is a dark place, sometimes it seems too much. Especially when I think about those that claim to be walking in the light, yet show no love or grace to those that are unlike them, or not following what they deem as correct. It is hard for me to see the light in them, and to understand it.
When I am in a dark place, what do I tend to do? I tend to look inward, or I look toward the world to solve my problems. Sometimes I hang out with people that I think will help to bring me out of the light. Sometimes they do put me in a better mood, but the truth is that no person can be our light. We can't get stuck in thinking that our circumstances, are going to be the light for us. Right now I have a good job, a good place to live, pretty good health not counting the past couple of days. But if I put my hope and joy in that, then when those things change I am going to be in despair.
On this second day of Advent, I realize that my hope is sometimes in people and circumstances. My hope and joy sometimes comes from where I am at in the world.
But it can't come from there. I can't depend on people to bring me hope. Because every person is struggling with darkness. Yes, the light has overcome the darkness, right? But everyone struggles with living outside of that darkness. We do or say things that we shouldn't. We don't live up to other's expectations. Those are all part of being human. So for me to put my hope, my joy in people, well I will find myself disappointed and depressed every single time. People can't satisfy my longing for hope. Jesus, He is the only one that can satisfy that hope. The hope of a Kingdom of service and sacrificial love. Right now on earth I only see a small fraction of what that Kingdom is going to look like. I only get a glimpse of it every now and then in those that I surround myself with.
So on this second day I look toward Him. I surrender to Him. Every single day, I surrender. I know that my thoughts get jumbled. I know that my focus will get side-tracked sometimes. So I continue to look up. I continue to see the times, when I am expecting others to be my hope. When I am allowing the darkness to control how I see my circumstances whether good or bad. I let go of what I think life should be like, and cling to the only One that knows and will make it what it should be.
When I am in a dark place, what do I tend to do? I tend to look inward, or I look toward the world to solve my problems. Sometimes I hang out with people that I think will help to bring me out of the light. Sometimes they do put me in a better mood, but the truth is that no person can be our light. We can't get stuck in thinking that our circumstances, are going to be the light for us. Right now I have a good job, a good place to live, pretty good health not counting the past couple of days. But if I put my hope and joy in that, then when those things change I am going to be in despair.
On this second day of Advent, I realize that my hope is sometimes in people and circumstances. My hope and joy sometimes comes from where I am at in the world.
But it can't come from there. I can't depend on people to bring me hope. Because every person is struggling with darkness. Yes, the light has overcome the darkness, right? But everyone struggles with living outside of that darkness. We do or say things that we shouldn't. We don't live up to other's expectations. Those are all part of being human. So for me to put my hope, my joy in people, well I will find myself disappointed and depressed every single time. People can't satisfy my longing for hope. Jesus, He is the only one that can satisfy that hope. The hope of a Kingdom of service and sacrificial love. Right now on earth I only see a small fraction of what that Kingdom is going to look like. I only get a glimpse of it every now and then in those that I surround myself with.
So on this second day I look toward Him. I surrender to Him. Every single day, I surrender. I know that my thoughts get jumbled. I know that my focus will get side-tracked sometimes. So I continue to look up. I continue to see the times, when I am expecting others to be my hope. When I am allowing the darkness to control how I see my circumstances whether good or bad. I let go of what I think life should be like, and cling to the only One that knows and will make it what it should be.
Advent Day 1
Yesterday was the first Day of the Advent Season. I was sick in bed, and did not make it to the computer to write my first blog. So here I am....
Advent is a time to think about Jesus' His coming to earth, and His return.
Not all of my friends believe in this, and I am okay with that. In fact I would rather have a variety of friends that believe many different things, than to have all of the people believe the same thing. That would make for a very boring life!
But for me Advent is a season of hope, love, joy and promise. I am looking forward to celebrating the birth of Jesus. I am looking forward to contemplating His story and what it means in my life.
Every day of Advent I am going to write a real letter to someone, and actually send it!
I think that this month is going to be about connection. Connection to Jesus, and connection to others.
So, here's to the first day of Advent, may my focus be on restoration and the hope of what is to come!
Advent is a time to think about Jesus' His coming to earth, and His return.
Not all of my friends believe in this, and I am okay with that. In fact I would rather have a variety of friends that believe many different things, than to have all of the people believe the same thing. That would make for a very boring life!
But for me Advent is a season of hope, love, joy and promise. I am looking forward to celebrating the birth of Jesus. I am looking forward to contemplating His story and what it means in my life.
Every day of Advent I am going to write a real letter to someone, and actually send it!
I think that this month is going to be about connection. Connection to Jesus, and connection to others.
So, here's to the first day of Advent, may my focus be on restoration and the hope of what is to come!
My thoughts for the past monthish
Wow! The last blog post is from October! I guess I have been busy or something! Ha! I am going to try not to ramble in this one, but I have some definite thoughts that have been going through my mind throughout this past month.
I often find myself contemplating, and thinking over the experiences that I have had and how they have shaped me. For the past 2 days I have been stuck in bed due to being super sick. There is no better time for all of the things that you have been thinking about to come to a head, than when you have nothing else to do, but think. So I have been thinking about circumstances, and where I see myself going in this next year.
Just like the past 4-5 years I have found that this past year has brought new people into my life, and gotten rid of some people from my life as well. Some of those I was sad to see go, and some I honestly know that my life is better because they are no longer a part of my day to day. You see I have realized that I tend to find myself in places where I am the person that is always helping. I am always listening to people most of the time complain about how awful their life is, or who did them wrong. Don't misunderstand I know that I do my fair share of that, but I also know that one of my best qualities is that I am a good listener. I don't mind listening, in fact most of the time I would rather be the one listening, than the one talking. But sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I just need to shut the world out, and not listen. Not because I want to be unkind to others, but because it is emotionally and physically draining when all people want to do is complain about how awful their life is.
I am not a dweller. I give myself usually a day or two when something awful happens, I talk it through with someone and then I move on. Dwelling has gotten me nowhere in life, in fact most of the time it just leaves me bitter and angry. So, I choose to keep going forward.
I am single, 37, no kids, no house, no prospects for either of those, with quite a bit of student loan debt. But those things don't define me. They could easily define me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had a husband, or at least a man that couldn't keep his hands off of me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had one person that made me their priority even if it was a child. I could easily spend my days wishing that people checked in with me more, instead of me having to be the only one to check in with them. Sometimes I admit that I do dwell on these things. I let them overwhelm me, and bring me down to the point where I want to give up, and stop trying.
The thing is that I can't let circumstances, and other people's decisions determine my worth, or control how I see the world. It is my job as a human to make this world a better, more loving place. I can't do that if I am so self focused that I spend all my time feeling sorry for what I don't have. Last year I was feeling quite lonely. So, I volunteered at the Homeless shelter in my town. It was late nights, and sometimes I didn't feel like going. You know what? It helped me to meet people in the community, and gave me a greater sense of purpose. I wasn't so lonely.
This year I am in a much better place. I am content with my job, my apartment, and my friends. I know that I have people in my life that love me and would be there for me if I called them. But they don't always reach out to me! In face a lot of the time I have to be the one to call or text, and suggest us meeting up. Sometimes that is exhausting, and I don't want to do it. But I realize that everyone is busy, living their lives, and it doesn't take that much time or effort on my part. So, I reach out and most of the time it is so much better because I did.
I want this Christmas to be about reaching out to people. But I also want to be focused on what is important. Because out of that focus will come more love, and energy for others. I believe in having boundaries, but I also think that there is no depth to the amount of times Jesus reaches out to us, right? He brings me back to himself over and over again.
So, even though I get frustrated sometimes because I don't feel like others are giving me what I am giving them, it isn't about that. My focus needs to be on what I can do for them, and giving them that from the overflow of what He has given me.
I'm going to blog everyday of the Advent Season....
Days 1 and 2 coming soon!
I often find myself contemplating, and thinking over the experiences that I have had and how they have shaped me. For the past 2 days I have been stuck in bed due to being super sick. There is no better time for all of the things that you have been thinking about to come to a head, than when you have nothing else to do, but think. So I have been thinking about circumstances, and where I see myself going in this next year.
Just like the past 4-5 years I have found that this past year has brought new people into my life, and gotten rid of some people from my life as well. Some of those I was sad to see go, and some I honestly know that my life is better because they are no longer a part of my day to day. You see I have realized that I tend to find myself in places where I am the person that is always helping. I am always listening to people most of the time complain about how awful their life is, or who did them wrong. Don't misunderstand I know that I do my fair share of that, but I also know that one of my best qualities is that I am a good listener. I don't mind listening, in fact most of the time I would rather be the one listening, than the one talking. But sometimes it is too much. Sometimes I just need to shut the world out, and not listen. Not because I want to be unkind to others, but because it is emotionally and physically draining when all people want to do is complain about how awful their life is.
I am not a dweller. I give myself usually a day or two when something awful happens, I talk it through with someone and then I move on. Dwelling has gotten me nowhere in life, in fact most of the time it just leaves me bitter and angry. So, I choose to keep going forward.
I am single, 37, no kids, no house, no prospects for either of those, with quite a bit of student loan debt. But those things don't define me. They could easily define me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had a husband, or at least a man that couldn't keep his hands off of me. I could easily spend my days wishing that I had one person that made me their priority even if it was a child. I could easily spend my days wishing that people checked in with me more, instead of me having to be the only one to check in with them. Sometimes I admit that I do dwell on these things. I let them overwhelm me, and bring me down to the point where I want to give up, and stop trying.
The thing is that I can't let circumstances, and other people's decisions determine my worth, or control how I see the world. It is my job as a human to make this world a better, more loving place. I can't do that if I am so self focused that I spend all my time feeling sorry for what I don't have. Last year I was feeling quite lonely. So, I volunteered at the Homeless shelter in my town. It was late nights, and sometimes I didn't feel like going. You know what? It helped me to meet people in the community, and gave me a greater sense of purpose. I wasn't so lonely.
This year I am in a much better place. I am content with my job, my apartment, and my friends. I know that I have people in my life that love me and would be there for me if I called them. But they don't always reach out to me! In face a lot of the time I have to be the one to call or text, and suggest us meeting up. Sometimes that is exhausting, and I don't want to do it. But I realize that everyone is busy, living their lives, and it doesn't take that much time or effort on my part. So, I reach out and most of the time it is so much better because I did.
I want this Christmas to be about reaching out to people. But I also want to be focused on what is important. Because out of that focus will come more love, and energy for others. I believe in having boundaries, but I also think that there is no depth to the amount of times Jesus reaches out to us, right? He brings me back to himself over and over again.
So, even though I get frustrated sometimes because I don't feel like others are giving me what I am giving them, it isn't about that. My focus needs to be on what I can do for them, and giving them that from the overflow of what He has given me.
I'm going to blog everyday of the Advent Season....
Days 1 and 2 coming soon!
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