2022... How is it March?

 Well it seems that my blogging goal is not going to be completed this year, but what can I say it has been a crazy year already!  I've missed a lot of days due to sickness, and then school has just been out because of snow, and other things.  It is crazy how time has flown by.  The days are slow, but the weeks are SO fast.  

What brought me here today is a need to just word vomit everything that is inside of me.  I'm not going to post this to my FB wall, or tweet it out.  So for those lucky few that still actually follow my blog, you are probably going to be the only ones that read it!  

I'm in a funk.  It's not a place that is unfamiliar to me, but it is a place I haven't been in awhile.  A place where I feel less than.  A place where I am questioning my worth and what I am doing.  Not because I am not good at it, but because it feels lonely. It feels SO lonely.  I actually had thought that I had found a place where I could be myself, and thrive.  A place where I was going to be surrounded by friends, and people that loved each other, supported, and encouraged each other.  But I'm finding that's not really the case.  It hurts me, and makes me sad... but it doesn't really surprise me.  Maybe this is every school right now?  Maybe we are too busy, and self-absorbed that we can't remember or make time to check on other people.  I literally feel like I could die tomorrow, and life would just continue, someone would take over my classroom,  and people might shed a few tears, but that would be it.  And somehow I am surprised by it.  I want more.  I want deeper friendships.  I want co-workers that call me, and text me because they want to know how I am as a person not just to ask me a question about my class.  

This week I was sick, like really sick.  Other then my team texting me because they were helping me out for lesson plans, etc (which I am super thankful for) only one person reached out to see how I was doing.   And only a few more asked, but that was only after I reached out to them, or posted on my FB wall.    I know that I think about others way more then the average person.  I know that.  So I know that my expectations for people reaching out are abnormal, but shouldn't we expect that?  Like isn't that part of a school family.  If we call ourselves that then shouldn't we be touching base with those around us especially after the 4th day that they are out?  Or even just friends, like shouldn't we be asking people how they are doing?  Are we so busy that human kindness is just out the window.  

I don't do things so that others will give back to me.  I learned a long time ago that is not how it works,  and even more so in the last couple of years I have realized that people are just selfish.  I can't change that,  and I am going to try to change my expectation.  But let's be real, I will always expect people to think about others the way I do.  I want people to check in, and make me feel like I'm missed, that they care about my well-being.  I can't make them though, and I know that.  

Another conversation I had made me feel like I am not a good enough teacher.  I feel like this person is ALWAYS trying to one-up everyone around them.  Always.  Their last school district will always be better then ours.  They are always leading the charge in their students doing the best or making the most progress.  I wish that I didn't feel this way about this person, but I do.  I wish that I hadn't trusted this person so completely.  I want to take back the things that I have confided in them, because I don't think they are as trustworthy as I once imagined them to be.  

So where do I go from here?  My instinct is to just start pulling back from everyone.  To just do what I need to do at work, and be civil but not go beyond that.  If I'm honest that's what I probably will end up doing.  Mostly because I'm tired.  I'm tired of working so hard to develop genuine friendships with people only for it to not be what I wish it was.  I'm tired of the constant competition among people.  The constant need for people to try to be better then me.  And I'm not going to do it.  So that might look like I go into a shell for awhile.  I don't know, but I need to do what's best for me.  

A New Year.. a new word! Mindful 2022

 Wow!  I can't believe that I haven't written a blog since April!  Life sure has taken a crazy turn, but I am SO happy right where I am.  I'm hoping that 2022 brings more blogs, and  more of me just taking time to be.  I always choose a new word for the year, and this year is no different.  

My word for the year is mindful....being aware of the moment to moment.  Meditating more.  Taking more time to just be.  I feel like I have done this a lot more in the past few years... but I really want to expand on it through this next year.  Probably means some more time for blogging as well.  

I am ready for the year 2021 to be over!  I am ready for a new year.... I have a new place to live, a new job that I am loving even during the hard times.  And I am ready for some new adventures along the way.  

Hoping that I can take more time to practice mindfulness, and lead me to creating mindfulness in my students as well!  

The Change that is Coming....

It is hard for me to believe that I have only blogged a few times this year.  I am not sure how time has gotten away from me, but it has.  I don't even really know how it is already April in 2021.  This year has brought some loss, and some insight that I am thankful for.  The past few years have been challenging.  Even more so the past year has been one that I will always think back on as one of the most transformative of my life.  I believe that life is about growing, changing, and becoming the best you can be.  Sometimes you go through really hard things, but those things are what helps you to become even better.  

Friendship is something that I struggle with.  Most of the people I thought would be there as lifelong friends, have left me.  This year was no exception to that.  I let someone back in my life after a little hiatus, and I thought that we had a genuine friendship.  I thought that he would be there for me no matter what, and that he was actually sincere in his friendship with me.  But I found out that is not in fact true.  He easily threw me away, when he found someone that fit into his life better.  He's not the kind of person that can have multiple people as close friends.  And in fact he doesn't like to get close to people because he is afraid that they will see who he really is.  I'm thankful for the time we had.  I am thankful that I was able to have him back in my life for a little while.  I am not sure why I wasn't good enough for him to maintain a friendship with.  Why it was so easy for him to throw me away, but I can't take that personally, right?  

I became part of a group of people back in the fall and I thought... great this is finally a place where I might find those friendships that I've been looking for.  The kind of people that I can just hang out with be myself, and not feel the need to explain myself, or put on a mask to be the person they want me to be.  Then the new year came, and some things happened to make that group become something else.  I thought that I was in a good place.  But for some reason I am always finding myself in a place where people like me when they first meet me, and then they want nothing to do with me after awhile.  

I try to be someone that accepts people for who they are.  I try to be someone that looks at the positives in a situation, and tries to see where people are coming from.  But I also know that not everyone is going to be my best friend.  I know that people tend to come  in and out of your life.  They find significant others, and leave the rest behind.  

Change is coming for me.  I have to realize that I might just be a temporary friend.  That might just be my role in life.  The person  that is there when you need her, but beyond that I am disposable.  Beyond that when I am annoying or the person you never thought I would be... I am not worth your time or effort.  

I'll never stop trying.  I will never see a phone call or text message where someone needs help, and not give my help unless I am just unavailable or have too much going on.  But I will step back if I am in a place where I feel unwanted.  I never want to be a burden on anyone.  I never want my presence to cause them stress or harm.  And unfortunately for a lot of people it seems like that is what it does.  

I know I have my quirks, just like anyone else.  I know that somedays I feel like partying my life away.  I am social, enthusiastic, and outgoing.  But other days I just feel like hiking a trail, doing some yoga, and taking some time away to just be.  This is me.  I am not a go out every weekend kind of girl.  I like staying in, playing cards, sitting around a campfire talking about hard things, or going on a hike where all we do is just walk and think.  

I care so much about people.   I want everyone to have a good time, I want everyone to leave my presence feeling better about themselves.  I never want anyone that I have interacted with to doubt their worth or value to me.  But I know that sometimes they do.  Because I am not perfect.  As much as I would like to always be there for everyone else, I just can't.  

I guess this is going  to be another year of me learning that not everyone is a lifelong friend.  That most people are just going to be there as long as you are there for them.  It is going to be another year of learning about who I am as a person, and the boundaries that I have with others.  It is going to be another year of searching for those people that will always have my back, and not just drop me the minute  someone "better" comes along.  It is going to be another year of working through past feelings of rejection.  Another year....

You know what?  I don't regret it though.  I am happy to be in the place that I am.  Because I know that my friendship is worth something.  I know that I am valuable.  I love hard, I give of myself.  I will absolutely be there for you no matter what. 

So change is coming.....  I know it is.... but I am ready for it.  Here's to meeting and keeping those people in my life that will value me, and know my worth.  Those that will see my crazy, insecure side, and not let it be something that makes them run the other direction.  Those that will sit beside me in my silence the same as in my loudness.  I know they are there....  I just know it!  

A month in to 2021

 Wow!  I didn't realize that I hadn't written a blog for so long!  I didn't even write my typical beginning of the year blah blah one! I am not sure what is wrong but I have just been in a writing funk.  I haven't really wanted to put my thoughts down, even my journaling has struggled a bit.  I'm not sure why that is other then I have just been in this place of disappointment in this country, and people that I know.  People that I grew up with, family and friends that constantly are putting down others, or claiming the election was rigged, and seeing everything that the new President is doing as awful.  

Somewhere along the way we forgot how to love others.  We forgot how to put aside our differences, and look at what compassion, love, truth, dignity, and kindness really are.  I think we have forgotten that the words we post aren't just words.  When we are making fun of others through hateful memes.. it might not say it is directed at anyone (yet sometimes it is) but it is still showing your character.  It is still showing that as a person you are willing to put someone down just because they don't agree with you?  

I know I'm not going to ever completely agree 100% with anyone.  We are all different.  We have all been raised differently, and been different places that have directly impacted how we view the world.  I'm thankful that I can see beyond political lines, but I'm so sad that most people can't.  They lump everyone who is a "Republican" one way, and everyone who is a "Democrat" another.  The truth is that if we are all honest we probably have more similarities then we do differences.  

I guess that's probably why I haven't written much.... because my heart is hurting by the hate.  By the name-calling.  By the fact that people are such bullies behind a computer screen.  

I wish we could see each other with love as the center.  Whatever kind of love you might believe in.  

For now...  I will continue to focus on how I love and accept others!  

Determined 2021

 It's that time of the year!  I can't believe that it is 6 days in to the last month of 2020!  What a crazy year it has been.  My word for this year was Transformation.  I think that I did a good job of letting my life be transformed.  As much as any life could be in 2020.  But really I think this year made me stop and just be thankful for life.  For the laughs, for the moments in the past that I have been able to go out and actually do things.  Maybe it wasn't the transformation I was expecting, but I am a better person because of this year.  

In 25 days we will be celebrating the end of a year and the beginning of something new.  I had high hopes that this year would be the year that I would meet that man.  You know the one that would love me and sweep me away with all kinds of romantic gestures!  Just in case you wondered.... it didn't happen!  

But I think that in itself was part of my transformation.  I still want that.... but I'm also okay.  I'm okay making life the best it can be.  Whether that means eventually getting married or not. Being okay with singleness.... that in itself is a transformation.  

So, as I was pondering this next year.  I thought about what it is I truly want.  I turn 40 in August of 2021....  40!  It feels so much younger then it did when I was 20!  I want this year to be the year.  The year that I get out of debt.  The year that I weigh a healthier weight.  The year I write my book.  The year I find a job that I love, and can retire in.  

2021's word of the year is DETERMINED!  

I am determined to be the best I can.  Determined to lose weight, and start running.  Determined to hike as much as I can.  Be outside as much as I can.  Determined to finish the book that I have been on the cusp of writing for so long.  Determined to not let others decide my life for me.....  

So here's to a new year.... and a very determined me!  

My Identity...

 Last night I had a conversation with a friend.... a friend that I consider a good friend and it made me think about some things that I have had in the back of my mind for awhile.  Our country is so very divided.  People are name calling right and left.  If you don't adhere to a certain political party then you are basically the spawn of satan... and not worth their time or energy.  

I have spent a total of 6 years living overseas.  I have visited a total of 10 countries.  I have lived in the United States for 33 years, have had a passport for 20 years, and have been an American for 39.  But I think that what I identify with is the fact that I believe in something higher then myself.  So that identity outweighs everything else.  Shouldn't it?  Shouldn't my identity rest outside of this world?  

I believe that this world is only temporary.  I believe that I was privileged to be born in America, and have grown up here.  But do you know what I also am so very thankful for?  The chance that I have had to go outside of the United States.  You see for a long time in my travels I felt superior.  I felt like because I was an American I should just automatically be given privileges.  That being American meant I was better then those I encountered on my travels.  

It has taken a lot of years, and a lot of experiences to humble me and get me to a place where I don't see that as the truth.  I am proud to be an American.  I am thankful for those that have sacrificed their life.  But I don't think that Jesus' love means to put down every country that isn't American.  I don't think that Jesus' love means to only adhere to one specific political party.  Or one specific person over another.  

The truth is that we don't truly know who people are except to spend time with them.  Social media has brought about a façade, and you can basically be whoever you want to be online.  Some people are real, but I have found that most are fake.  I try my best to be the most authentic I can, but even I catch myself molding to those I'm around.  Trying to be who they want me to be, so that I can be accepted and liked by them.  

I'm sad that there are those that will write people off because they don't agree with them.  I am sad that we can't take the time to get to know someone outside of a screen. I am sad that in our identities, we place being American so high on the list, and being a kind, compassionate, human being so low.  I am sad that I can't just have a conversation with people about those differences without being ridiculed and mocked.  

But you know what I'm not sad about?  I am not sad that my identity is a foundation of love.  I may not always be loving and kind... but I sure do aim for it.  I may not always strive to understand where others are coming from, but I truly do aim to walk a mile in their shoes if I can.  

I'm not sad at all that I identify as a lover of Jesus first... and everything else next.  I know that it has kept me from some relationships that would otherwise be amazing.  But I'm not going to change my mind.  I am not going to lose my love, or my identity in it.  

2020... not the worst

 We all know that 2020 hasn't exactly been the year that we imagined  back in December 2019 when we were making all those lists and imagining all that would come out of this year.  But as I sit here and think about all that 2020 hasn't been... I really am pretty thankful for all that 2020 has been.  

I've learned who my real friends are.  I don't have a lot of them, and they are each different in their own way... but I have learned who is there for me.  This year has allowed me to draw closer to my family like never before and rely on them.  I have learned that those that make the effort, aren't always doing it for the best motives.  I have also learned that those that don't make the effort, still might be worth it, but you just have to be careful.  

This year has brought a lot of changes with my job, the biggest being working from home.  Honestly I have enjoyed working from home.  Sure it has its moments, but honestly I'm thankful.  Because of working from home I was able to get a dog, and move.  Two things which have proved to be really great. 

I have had more Saturday's free then I thought I was going to.  I have been able to go camping/hiking a lot more, and that is something that truly does help me feel happier.  

I've been able to become stronger in 2020.  Things that would have broken me a couple years ago, haven't had that affect on me this year.  They have still affected me, and I still have had moments of being sad, and not understanding why people don't love the same way I do.  But I'm thankful that each year that goes by I get better at letting things go that need to be taken on.  

So as I think about 2020.  I don't think it was this awful year.  I think that it was a defining year.  It was the year that I finally let something go that I have been hoping for.  Something that has consumed me, but I know it will never be, and maybe it was never meant to be and I just read everything wrong.  But as I pass into the next year, I'm leaving it behind.  I'm letting it go, as much as it hurts me to.  This year helped me know that I am okay just as I am.  I am someone that people should welcome into their life, and try to keep me.  If they don't then we were just meant to be for a little while, not forever.  

So here's to another month of being defined... and looking to the good.  I hope 2021 brings a few specific things... but if it doesn't.... I'm sure that I will learn something.  And that's what counts!   

Where I am with Dating, and the prospect that I will one day have a husband

 A couple months ago I was connected with a man that I immediately found myself liking.  He was cute, he had a great sense of humor, had faith in God, he was a pursuer, and he liked me as more then a friend or someone just to mess around with (or so I thought).    These five things never seem to all be in one package.  Either I get one, a couple... or none!  But rarely do I ever meet someone that has them all.  

I was immediately impressed, and due to being impressed I think I overlooked red flags that I normally would have seen as a huge sign.  So I let him in.  I talked about my family, I let him get to know me.  I dreamed about things that I haven't let myself dream about for awhile.  And they were things that I actually thought... "Oh this could really happen!" " This might be it!"  

And he pursued me... at least that is what I thought he was doing.  He drove to me (this one is a big shock, very rare!) he genuinely seemed to enjoy my company.  He texted me in the morning when he got up, and in the evening before he went to bed.  He talked about future plans.  

And then.... crickets!  Absolutely he just stopped talking to me, stopped making the effort.  Without any kind of warning or reason behind it at all.  A few years ago this would have wrecked me.  I would have worried over it, fretted about what I did wrong (and don't worry I still had some of those moments).  But a few years ago, I would have went into this deep depression because I wasn't good enough for him to even be honest with me.  

But I didn't  do that.  Instead I let a week go by, and then I messaged him, and told him that he could have at least told me he wasn't interested instead of just ghosting me.  

He sent a very rude GIF back... and that's the end of that.  

But it really isn't, because this is not the first time this has happened.  It's the first time in awhile that is happened with someone that I actually saw myself with longterm.  It's the first time that I let my guard down a little more quickly then I normally do.  It's the first time in a long time that I really had hope that there were still good guys out there.... 

Then BAM!  The door closes and I am standing behind it wondering how the heck I opened it so quickly in the first place.  

I'm okay that it didn't work out, because that is not the guy for me.  I'm okay if there is never a guy for me, although I want there to be.  I want to be married to a man that is my best friend.  That I can be as sarcastic as possible with and he doesn't run away.  I want to be married to a man that sees through all the defenses that I put up, that sees my insecurities and instead of making me more insecure... he makes me less.  I want all of that... and so if this guy wasn't going to be that then I am glad that I didn't waste my time.  

But it frustrates me, makes me angry, and hurts me that this is the dating world.  In his mind he owed me nothing.  And maybe he didn't... maybe I expected too much from this guy that I had only known for a short amount of time.  But I am worth being pursued. I am worth someone taking the time to break down every wall I have built.  I am worth someone wanting me for all that I am... the crazy side, the compassionate side, the side that feels WAY too much, and the side that makes stupid jokes when someone is trying to compliment me.  And so many more sides....  

That's not the case though... because we have made dating something that is just this awful experience.  And no one knows how to make a commitment and stick with it.  Like how to just date one person at a time, and not already have the next person lined up, before you have even made it through the first date with the girl you are with.  I'm guilty of it too, and I don't like it.  

So... I am giving up on dating.  I have said this a billion times, but I'm done.  I don't know how I am going to meet my future husband, or even if I will.  But it's going to have to be without a dating app.  Because I just can't open up to these men that don't really want to get to know me, they just want something else.  I'm done with trying to be this version of who they want me to be... only to discover that I look better on "paper" then I do after they have spent more time with me.  

So... give it up... the idea that this guy is out there that might want to be in my life forever, as more then just a friend...  because maybe it isn't meant to be for me.  Maybe I am meant to just live life on my own.  And that will have to be okay.  

Blogging through 2020

 I haven't posted a blog in awhile.  I was supposed to be blogging once a week since my birthday, which was at the end of August.  But I find myself in a place where I just can't seem to write.  I'm not sure the reason.  Maybe because work has been crazy busy.  Maybe because I can't find myself excited about much right now with the current state of the world, and especially our nation.  Or maybe I just lack motivation.  

I'm going to try to blog once a week  for the rest of 2020.  Because I do enjoy it, even if no one  reads it!  It's also a place for me to put down words that I can look back on later on.  

So....  here's to making a genuine  effort to blog once a week for the rest of 2020!  

True Friendships....

 Sometimes the people that we think are our real friends, are the ones that are really just using us.  And then those that we thought were just going to be there till they found someone better are the ones that end up being the best ones to keep around.  They end up being the ones that we can be honest with.  The ones we can send chats to after too much wine, and they don't hold it against us.  The ones that can tell us that we are being dramatic, and the ones that push us to be the best version of ourselves.  

I don't have too many real friends.  The kind of friends that still call me on the phone.  The kind of friends that make the effort to make plans or invite me over.  Those are few and far between these days.  But I am thankful for the few that I have.  I am thankful because they show me love that never ends.  They accept me on the days when I have nothing in me but insecurities.  They accept me on the days when I am grumpy and can't seem to get over it.  They accept me on the days when I don't want to help anyone, on the days when I just want to be selfish, and look inside instead of out.  They accept me and love me for just being who I am.  

Someone came back into my life around this time last year.  Someone that I had pretty much written off as ever being my friend again, just because of circumstances, around both of our lives.  This person has shown me friendship.  It's not always how I want it to be, but it is always how I need it to be.  This person continues to love me, even when I mess up.  Even when I call them out on their bullshit.  This person sees the worst of me, and still wants me in  their life.  I will never know why God gave us a second chance at being close friends, but I am ever so thankful that he did.  

Friendships don't always look how we think or want them to.  Some friendships are for the everyday.  But a lot of them breathe in and out again.  They are there for a little while, and then they go silent to rest and strengthen in the silence.  

Sometimes I look at it, like I look at my relationship with God.  I don't always feel like God is close to me.  Sometimes He feels very quiet and very far away.  But He never stops loving me.  He never stops caring for me.  He never stops working, and moving my heart closer to His.  

So maybe your friendships don't look the way you think they should.  Maybe you have lost a lot of people that you thought were going to be the forever kind of friends.  Just know that if you have at least one person who you can count on to tell you truth, and call you every now and then... I think that is enough.  

It may not feel like it sometimes... but it is!  

Garage Sales.... why I love and hate them.

 I was fortunate enough this past weekend to be able to put some stuff in a garage sale at a friend's house.  I made some money, and in the process learned some things.  No matter how low you put the price on your stuff, people always want to pay you less then the actual value of it.  Garage Sales are no fun, and the rain makes it worse.  People will come out in the rain for a good bargain.  

Let's go back to this learning experience about the pricing.  I am a pretty honest person.  I feel like even though I have spent time overseas, and bargaining is the way that you get things in most shops... I have never liked it.  Ever.  Because I don't want to put a value on something that you have.  Right?  It's like just wrong to me.  I don't enjoy going back and forth trying to determine what something is really worth.  People's livelihoods are riding on what we pay sometimes.  I mean I bought groceries with the money I made this weekend.  I was able to buy real food and I am so thankful for that!  

I think that is why garage sales just make me crazy.  Things that I put $2 on, people only want to pay a $1 for.  They automatically assume that I am just trying to get rid of it, and so they can just name a price and I am going to be willing to go with that price.  But I mean shouldn't we be willing to help someone out.  Why is this a part of garage sale culture?  Why?  I hate it.  

I feel like we do this a lot with people.  Someone tells you or shows you that they need to be valued in one way.  That they need to be loved in this one way.  And then you come in and say... oh but can't I just do this... and that should be enough?  

But it's not.  Why is it that we are always trying to get the better of others?  Why is it that we can't just say okay... you want me to show you love in this way?  No problem!  I will do that.  

That's just what I got out of the experience.  I am going to try my best to show love to people how they need me to.  

And I will probably never ask for a different price then what you put on your items if I buy something from you at a garage sale!  Ha!  

Moving.....

 Last weekend I spent the weekend moving my stuff back to CoMo into the house that I will be living in.  When I left to move to JC it really was because I was looking for a way out of the current living situation I had found myself in, and a mutual friend knew that someone was moving back to the area that needed a roommate.  So I moved to JC, with high hopes of finding the community that I longed for.  High hopes of finding a place where I fit in, and could be surrounded by people that wanted the best for me.  

I switched locations for my job, and my job title.  I thought I was walking into a welcoming environment... but what I found was a very toxic one.  So not even 6 months after I moved to JC I was looking for a new job.  And I found one....  well I actually found 2, but I chose the one that would provide me with insurance and sick leave.  So here I am almost 2 years later still at that job, but not in JC.  

I thought this move would be super easy.  I thought that I was ready... but the many drives back and forth from JC to CoMo proved to bring many tears, and cries out to God.  Because even though I am super excited and thankful for this move... I still can't help but mourn for the things that aren't.  

Because I thought by now I would be sharing my life with someone.  I thought by now I would be financially stable enough to afford my own place.  I thought by now I would have some sort of idea of what my life is going to look like in the next 5-10 years.  But none of that is true.  

So...  the joy that I should have felt during those drives was filled with anxiety, and a little sadness.  

Even in the midst of joyful things.... it is okay to mourn the things that aren't what we thought they would be.  

So for me... moving.... I'm so glad that I did it, and I am so happy to be back in CoMo again... but I also know that I am in the process of once again letting go of what I thought life would be like... and embracing what it actually is.  

Almost 40, a puppy, and a pandemic...

 I turned 39 over a week ago.  It was a great weekend full of hiking, camping, friends/family, my puppy, and LOTS of BUG BITES!  

I hate bug bites.  I hate them with a passion, and my skin looks awful right now.  But you know what bug bites remind me of?  They remind me that there is healing.  That healing doesn't always take just a few quick moments, but can sometimes take longer then expected.  This birthday was the 3rd birthday that I have had since the birthday that pretty much made me wish to never have a birthday again.  

But as I reflect and think upon how quickly life can change.  I am so very thankful for what I have been through.  I've learned that the people worth keeping... well those people see your faults and love you anyways.  They are there for you even if you don't have an ounce of self-worth.  They see the you that is deep inside the walls that you have build and they love you to the core of who you are.  

I have learned that I am sometimes a very poor judge of character.  I believe what people say most of the time.  So when someone tells me that they love me, or that they like me for who I am.  Well.. I tend to believe them.  But I am learning that people don't always tell the truth.  You would think I would have learned that a long time  ago.  But honestly... I really truly want to believe what people say.  Unfortunately this world is full of people that just want to use you when they are lonely, or can get something out of you.  

So in this next year.. I want to do what I can to be the best version of me.  I wish I was celebrating this next year with someone by my side.  But that is not where my story is.  I don't know what the future holds, but I sure am thankful for exactly where I am right now.  

I'm okay going camping and hiking by myself.  I have a new puppy, and he has proven to be one of the best companions I have ever had.  I'm thankful that he's in my life, and is going to help me  welcome my 40's.  

If I'm honest there's someone in my life that I wish it would have turned into something else.  But it hasn't... and you know what?  That is okay.  Because I'm not desperate.  I want someone that wants to be with me because they love all of me... not just because the other person didn't work out for them.  

I turned 39 in the midst of a pandemic.  But you know what?  There is so much on the horizon that I can't help but feel thankful for what is going to happen  in the future.  So..  I'm trying to blog once a week...  here's my first one... we will see how this goes!  

40 B4 40 Updated!

 When I was 36 I made a list of things I wanted to do and places I wanted to go before I turned 40.  At the time it seemed like 40 was SO far away!  Now....  I turn 39 a week from today.  I look at that list and I think....  it was a good list... I didn't accomplish most of what I wanted to... but mostly because of money.  Some because of discipline, and a lot because I just didn't have as much time  as I hoped I would.  So I am making a new list....  one that I feel confident I can accomplish this next year.  I am going to work really hard to accomplish it.  Here it is!  

#1 Learn how to fly fish

#2 Visit at least 10 different MO state parks that I have not already been to

#3 Send 5 pieces of real mail each month

#4 Walk 30 minutes everyday for 365 days

#5 Knit a blanket

#6 Go on a multi-day backpacking trip

#7  Journal everyday

#8 Read 52 books

#9 Take tennis lessons

#10 Run a 1/2 marathon

#11 Get a bike

#12 Go to a race (car not horse)

#13 Pay down debt

#14 Go to 5 museums/historic landmarks I haven't been to

#15 Blog once a week

#16 Minimize my stuff/clothes

#17 Drive down the Pacific Coast Highway

#18 Paint/craft once a month

#19 Listen to 4 podcasts a month

#20 Write my book

#21 Connect with family once a week

#22 Connect with close friends once a month

#23 Take horseback riding lessons

#24 Research gardening, and have a garden plan for a box garden or future garden

#25 Make a new dish once a month

#26 Host a multi-course dinner party with food made from scratch

#27 Get finances in order, write a will

#28 Get my passport renewed

#29 Do a Jen session 5/7 days a week

#30 Have a tech free day once a month

#31 Get my hair professionally dyed a crazy color (aqua or pin)

#32 Go to a spa or hot springs

#33 Take a baking class

#34 Take steps to become a respite/foster parent, and have my first kid(s)

#35 Visit 3 new states

#36 Complete 5 random acts of kindness each month

#37 Hike 10 new trails

#38 Practice Yoga 1-2 times each week

#39 Get a new tattoo

#40 Plan and execute my 40th birthday trip

I tried to mix up this list to not have everything cost money!  So hopefully I can accomplish all of these things by next year!  

The Old 40 Before 40!

This is a great list.... unfortunately not everything got accomplished.... and probably won't be in the next year... but you know what?  That's okay!  We don't always get to do everything... so... some of them might show up on the 50 before 50 list!  

 1.  Renaissance Festival   (completed Fall 2017)

2.  New Year's in NYC (hoping for Dec. 2019)
3.  Pay Down Student Loans
4.  Get a tattoo ( completed Aug. 2016 Elephant, June 2017 owl)
5.  See a show at the Fox  (This happened December 2019)  I saw STOMP!  
6.  Learn how to put together wine and cheese platters.
7.  Hike some of the PCT and AT
8.  Get in the best shape of my life.
9.  Go to 5 famous art museums
               a.  Metropolitan Museum of Art
               b.  Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
               c.  National Gallery of Art  (Wash DC)
               d.  Cleveland Museum of Art
               e.  Art Institute of Chicago
10.  Visit Napa Valley
11.  Go on a cruise
12.  Learn how to cook risotto
13.  Go to a racetrack
14.  Go to the Kentucky Derby (completed May 2017)
15.  Take a Road Trip (completed Dec. 2018 MI, Penn. Ohio, Kentucky)
16.  Learn to Quilt  ( I at least started this)  
17.  Read 100 Books  (Yes!  I have pretty much completed this) 
18.  Have a Spa Day
19.  Cook/Bake Gma's Recipes
20.  See the Northern Lights
21.  Go to all 50 states
22.  Complete 5, 5K's
23.  Complete 5, 10K's
24.  Complete a half marathon
25. Try Rock Climbing
26.  Watch every film on AFI top 100
27.  Write and publish a book
28.  Take 4 solitude retreats
29.  Have a signature dish
30.  Go for High Tea
31.  Sleep in a Haunted House
32.  Practice Yoga and Meditation
33.  Create a hashtag (complete #authenticallylivinglife)
34.  Blog More Often
35.  Send 10 handmade cards a year
36.  Simplify my life
37.  Learn Tennis well enough to play with my cousins
38.  Take an Art Class
39.  Be all in for my business
40.  Start a mini-garden

Turning 39....

 In 10 days I turn 39....  It is so crazy to think how quickly time flies by.  This past year has been super weird.  I had a lot of things I wanted to do before I turned 40... but I haven't really accomplished a lot of them.  So... I am scratching my 40 before 40..... and I am making a list of things to do before my next birthday.  It is a better list I think.....  one that I can manage a little more.  But I will look back on my previous list and see what I have accomplished.. and who knows.  Maybe some of those things will make it onto my 50 before 50 list!  

I am going to do a little reflecting on my 30's next week, but I want to do a little now as well.  

When think about where I was 10 years ago... when I was turning 29...  It makes me just think about so many good parts of my life.  I was living in Thailand.  It was my second or third year there.  I went to this very nice fancy Indian Restaurant with a whole group of teachers.  It was so much fun, probably one of my very favorite birthdays.  I felt loved, celebrated, and like I had really good friends.  I didn't start my 30's in Thailand, but being in Thailand helped shape who I was in my 30's.  Being in Thailand was one of the greatest things I have ever and probably will ever do in my life.  

In the last decade I have lived in the United States mostly.  I have made really good friends, I have lost really good friends.  I have learned more about who I am, and what I want to tolerate.  I have been able to be more of who I was meant to be.  

So in this next year I want to take time to continue to grow in the ways that I need to.  I want to take time to learn more about what this next decade is going to bring.  I want to live life to the fullest.  And honestly I want to just live.... not worried about what other people think....  Even if that means I live alone.  

When insecurity fails you....

 Sometimes I get so lost in insecurity that I can barely see my way out of it.  I try so hard to be strong.  I try so hard to know who I am and live in that strength and power.  But there are times when the past creeps in and knocks me down.  There are times when I need reassurances... and people we tend to not want to give reassurances.  We tend to want people to take us for what we say and if they don't then we think they are playing games or trying to manipulate the situation.  

I have a lot of insecurities... some of them I wear openly and I let people know.  Others I keep hidden deep inside, only for my very closest friends to find.  Then there are others that know one knows about.  

Sometimes I let someone in, to look past the outside... see the depth of who I am.  A lot of times I regret it.  A lot of times they don't know how to handle all that is me.  

I'm learning to be okay with it.  I'm learning that all of me is worth it.  I might have some insecurities, and those might cause people to not want to try past a certain point... but I am worth it.  

It's a part of who I am, a part that I am working on.... so I will continue to learn and grow.  I will continue to try to be okay with who I am and the people in my life and believe that I am important to them just because of who I am.  

But I am also going to let people go that can't handle my insecurities.  

On friendship, quarantine, and all the things of 2020

What in the world... this year is crazy!  I have been working from home since March 17th....  When I left my office that day I had no idea that on  July 26th we would still be working from home.  It has definitely impacted my work, my life, and how I am viewing the world around me.  I want this to be a reminder to me in the years to come of all that has transpired during this time.  I'm learning so much... about myself, and others.  I am learning about what I want to put time and energy into and what I don't.  I am also learning that I am okay with exactly where I am.  I am not desperate... and I am not going to put forth energy and effort where it isn't wanted or reciprocated.

I spent a lot of the Fall of 2019, and Spring of 2020 putting energy and time into a few people that I have learned do not care about me at all.  Or maybe they think they care, but they honestly only want to take from me, and not give anything.  It has taken me awhile to come to terms with this... and I really want to believe the best of them.. but the reality is that they are users.  They created in me a false sense of security and hope.  Saying the right things to make me think that they are in fact my friends but in reality... I am just another person to throw away.

There's no pity party here.  Because the thing is that I have realized that in the ups and downs of those relationships I am worthy of people that truly want to be in my life.  I am worthy of people that I can have genuine conversations with and not be made fun of or put down for what I believe.  I'm in this place where I am seeking out genuine friendships.  Friendships that will go into my 40's and beyond.  Friendships that don't have pettiness involved.  Friendships where I can actually count on the people to answer when I call.  Friendships where if I ask you to do me a favor, you go out of your way to do it and vice versa.  That's what my desire is, and as I gear up for my last year in my 30's... I don't long to go out of my way for people that will stop calling the minute they find "better" friends.

I'm a helper, it's what I do.  I long to help, until you push me to where I just don't care anymore.  I feel like that is where I am right now with a lot of people.  There's quite a few that have pushed me to just not care.… because they have done nothing to be a friend to me.

Earlier this year I found out that a man that I loved passed away.  All I wanted to grieve that was for a few good friends to want to spend time with me, and help me through it.  I'm thankful for a coupe people that did.  But the one that didn't.... well it hurt, but it helped me realize that friendship truly meant nothing to him to begin with.

So in the year 2020... I am truly understanding what it means to be there for other people.  I am learning what it means to have people use you.  I am also learning what it means to be a hateful Christian.

You can't open up social media right now without seeing something political.  From masks, to BLM there is a war waging.  It is crazy to me how every single Republican Christian  thinks that Christians can only be Republican.  It is amazing to me how every Democrat thinks that there can't be any good Christian Republicans.  I hate both sides.... like with a passion.  I hate that people think that our President is actually doing a good job.  I hate that people don't understand that you can support Black Lives Matter, and still support the police officers that are caring, compassionate and kind human beings.

It makes me  want to pack up my stuff and go live far, far away.

The other thing that happened the other day a friend who lives overseas posted something pertaining to an ad that was about soft towels.  She made it seem like that is the only thing "Americans" care about, and that just struck me.

Here's the thing....  I do not categorize people... at least I try not to.  So for people to think that their life is "harder" or they are better than me because they are living this life where they may not have all the conveniences of America... well I'm just not a fan of that.  Everyone is doing the best that they can.  We have all been given the life that we are supposed to live.   Some of us are able to live on the other side of the world, enduring that life.. because there are things that we need to learn while we are over there.  I know that was the case for me.  But I am NEVER going to judge people because I have lived in another place and they haven't.

We have to be careful... those of us that claim Jesus.  Sometimes I want to stop believing in Him because there are so many people ruining His name.  There are so many people that are hurting others in His name...and it makes me sick!  No wonder people leave the faith all the time.....

So.... 2020 is a year that I will remember as a year of defining my faith, my friendships, and the direction of my life.....

Stuck in a World Where No One Cares

This post has been brewing for awhile.  But I have been trying to get to a place where I can write it with clarity and compassion.  I finally just decided that I might not be able to do either of those things right now.  We have so much going on in our country.  If we could all just see things from other people's perspectives, like really see things we might be able to compromise on some things.  But instead we have people retweeting white supremacy videos... we have people threatening to shoot people in parking lots, we have so much unrest that we just live with it and accept it.  We also have so many people looking down on others because they aren't as far along in their journey as they want them to be.  Mostly it is just a really negative world to be in right now.

Don't get me wrong I know that it is never going to be sunshine and rainbows.  Unfortunately we are all human, and what I just can't understand is why we can't love each other.

It always has to be Republican this or Democrat that.  I am so sick of party lines.  I am so sick of people that can't look beyond party lines.  I am done with it.  Not all Republicans are racist/conservative awful people.  Not all Democrats are snowflake, liberals that want to take away all guns.  Like can we just for once look at people as people?  Why is it that some of the people I have grown up knowing are the ones that can't see beyond party lines?  I just don't understand.  And for the record I am talking about people on both sides Red, and Blue.

Do you honestly think that you are bringing good into the world by all of the conservative/liberal bull crap you continue to post or say?  There is so much hate... but frankly I see it coming from my church-going conservative friends/family more then I see it from the other side.

So.... here's what I have to say...

Jesus was not aligned to any party line.  Party lines have more issues than just abortion, and gay marriage.  Party lines will not get you into heaven.  Party lines are pretty much in my opinion a bunch of bull crap.  If people looked at the actual person instead of party lines, we might be heading in a different direction then we are today!

Some of you still won't agree with me... and that's okay.  You know why?  Because I don't live my life for people to agree with me.  But you know what I also won't do?  I won't name call, I won't look down on you because you are in a different part of the journey then I am.  I won't make myself smaller so that you can fill taller.  I won't do it.  I have in the past.  I have been SO afraid of losing people that I have shrunk myself.  I have not been the authentic person I should have because I thought I was too much.  But you know what?  I'm not!  I'm not too much!

So here I am stuck in a world where no one cares.  Not that no one cares at all, but we have stopped caring about being mean to each other.  Social media and our current leadership has made it the norm to name call, put people down, and just be mean.

I pride myself in being an empath, caring, compassionate person.  But I am learning lately that doesn't mean that I have to be there for people that only want to be mean.  That doesn't mean that I have to continue to allow people to be in my life if they don't add to it.  Boundaries... .oh am I learning a lot about those.

Sometimes we have to put up some walls to make people understand that we won't be treated the way they have been treating us.  It might be lonely for awhile.... but it will be worth it.

Can we be people that care?  Can we learn how to disagree with love and compassion, instead of name calling, and putting everyone who doesn't agree with us in the category of "conservative" or "liberal?" Can we understand that love means loving everyone.... that we don't get to play Jesus.  Can we see where people are coming from without agreeing with them?  Can we be kind?

I am going to pray that I am able to be more kind, compassionate and caring in a way that allows me to still have boundaries, and not let people use me.  It is not going to happen overnight.... just like all of us being kinder won't... but you know what?

I don't want to live in a world where people see Christians and think they are all racist, bigots.  If that is what the church is becoming, then I am out!

So I am going to live like Jesus.  I am going to love people for who they are.  I am going to know that people will let me down.... and I am going to try my hardest to be the most compassionate person I can.  Because I hope one day to live in a World Where People Care.....  like actually care.  And by that I mean that the name-calling, memes have stopped.  They aren't funny or kind.....  I truly hope that this next generation can be the one that sees beyond differences and loves outside of themselves...

My First Love Story

This deep gut-wrenching grief is very new to me.  I've had lots of people leave my life.  A couple have been my age, classmates or camp peeps.  But it wasn't anyone that I had really connected with and spent day in and day out with.  So... feeling this soul crushing grief kind of has me in a very new place.  I have had grandparents, uncles, and older friends pass away.  But most of the time that was expected.  So… here I sit in this grief.  Wondering if I will ever stop just randomly busting out in tears.  Will the sorrow ever cease?  Will the guilt that I couldn't do anything ever go away?  Deep inside of me I know it will.... but I am struggling.  In some ways I am really glad that I am dogsitting right now, and have the house to myself.  I have been able to scream, cry, and just be in my grief.  So... part of what I know will help me heal is to write our story... it's not a fairy tale... but it's mine, well ours...

When I was in college I was never ever the girl that said she wanted to get married and have kids right away.  In fact I actually had a ten year plan.  I would graduate from college, get a job, get my masters, then get married.  That's just how I expected it to go.  So the early parts of my life although I developed crushes, and thought a couple times that I had found "the one."  It was never meant to be, and I graduated with my Bachelors and headed off to Cairo, Egypt.  During my time teaching overseas I didn't really have any prospects, and for the most part I was okay with that.  There were a few men that I think if it had been a different time, or if we each had been in a different place in our lives, it could have worked... but it wasn't meant to be.

I will admit that there was a part of me even though I felt content to be alone, I really wanted to not be.  I wanted someone amazing to come into my life and make it better.  I was in Thailand for 3 years.  It wasn't without its' own set of drama and misunderstandings but that is not the part of the story I want to share at this time.  I left Thailand wanting and needing to find a boyfriend.  Perhaps if I hadn't been so desperate, I wouldn't have chosen the first guy that showed me interest and pursued me... but if I hadn't there would be a different story written down on this page.

The first time I met Paul I had just been back in the states for a few weeks.  A friend of a friend had introduced me to someone, and she had a friend that she wanted to hang out with.  So after going to the fair one evening, we went over to Paul's apartment, and drank.  I hadn't drank at all while I was in Thailand, so to say I was a light weight would be an understatement.  We hung out, I drank more then I should have, and needed to sleep it off before attempting to drive.  So... I fell asleep on his couch.  Upon waking up in the morning, I found Paul sleeping on the floor with just a blanket covering him, in the living room just opposite of where I slept.  Upon inquiring of why, he said he just wanted to make sure that I was okay.  Now if I could go back in time that's the moment that I understood that at the heart of who he was, there was kindness.

Over the course of a couple of weeks, we hung out, went out to eat.  Our mutual friend was not a huge fan of us hanging out so much.  I was also interested in someone else at the time, but they seemed to be busy with their kids and co-parenting with the ex.  So... Paul pursued me.  I tested him, we had tons of communication issues, but we started dating.

I know that I am not an easy person to date.  I don't trust easily, and I doubt that my boyfriend actually likes me.  I'm not sure why that is a thing with me, but it is.

Paul had quite a hard life.  His Dad wasn't around much at all, his parents had divorced pretty early, and then eventually his Dad ended up passing away.  His Mom got cancer while he was in college, and passed away when he was in his early 20's.  One time he told me a story about after his mom passed away.  He wasn't paying any of the bills.  He was just sitting in his house and eventually everything was shut off.  His aunt eventually came over and told him he would have to live with her.

One time we were able to drive by where his old house was.  It is no longer there.  Sometimes I think about the childhood and early adulthood that he experienced and I know that it created something in him that eventually would lead to his destruction.

Paul inherited some money and was able to go back to school and finish college.  That is when I met him.  He was finishing up his Bachelors degree in Biology.  He  worked so hard to get that degree.  But then something in him got blocked.  He couldn't handle moving past the college part, and getting a job.  I am not going to sit here and analyze this.  Because honestly I don't know why.  I don't know what was stopping him, but he just couldn't do it.  So, he lived off his inheritance. Paul and I were off and on a lot.  For both of us, it was our first and really only serious relationship.  The first time we dated, we had a good time.  But he didn't believe in anything, and that was hard for a girl who has had deep faith for her whole life.

I love helping people, and looking back now, it seems like I fall for the ones that I can help.  That was very much the case in this situation.  I wanted so bad to be the one that helped him find his drive.  I wanted him to graduate and then get his life together, get a job, and honestly...  marry me.  If I am honest that is what I wanted.  I don't know that I would have ever admitted it at the time... but it truly is what I would want.  The first time we dated, it did not end horribly, but I think I just knew that he wasn't ready to do what he needed to do in order for it to work.  But the door was never closed completely.

I'm so thankful for that first round of us dating.  I got to experience so many things, and although Paul had only been outside of the country once, and never really left Missouri much other than that.  He was always up for adventures.  It was also nice that he could afford the adventures.  So, we were able to go visit LA and stay at the Beverly Hilton Hotel...  which houses one of the famous award shows.  It was probably one of my favorite trips.  We were able to see so many things, and I know that for Paul it was a dream come true.  We also took another trip to San Diego.  He treated me well.  We were compatible in all the ways that two people should be, yet I couldn't help him do something with his life.  He came to visit me when I was nannying in Colorado.  It was adventure after adventure.  He made me feel beautiful every single day.

We broke up, and it wasn't the greatest of break ups, but we remained friends.  I left for Kuwait/The Philippines.  We spent the year that I was away talking or communicating almost daily.  I still wasn't a huge fan of him just spending his time at the bars, but I honestly loved him, and loved that he loved me.  He loved me in a way that I had never been loved before or since. He loved me with this love that was endearing.  Sometimes it was too clingy, and he was too emotional.  But looking back now I feel thankful to know that kind of love.

When I came back from The Philippines we started dating again.  This time it was more of figuring out what life would be like day in and day out.  Most of you may not even know this part of it, but we were living together for a time.  Yes, judge me  all you want.  I lived with someone that I wasn't married to.  He got us season tickets to MU football games.  And we continued our tradition of going to the Heidelberg before each game, until my Dad and Step-mom started tailgating.  It was good.  It wasn't perfect, but it was good.

Paul had things he was fighting.  I won't go into everything that I think it was, but I will say that there were things that I just couldn't help him with.  He coped with life by drinking.  He felt worthy by the amount of people that liked things he posted, and he kept in touch with.  He never felt good enough.  The thing is that even when we love someone the best we can, we can't fight their battles for them.

Paul and I broke up after an incident that involved him not getting a job, and then drinking himself into a place that I had never seen him before.  It caused a rift in our relationship, and led to a time when we no longer talked for awhile.  But there's something about that first love, and the draw...  it is like a magnet.  Paul and I would never consider seriously dating again.  We weren't compatible as the person that he was in that time.  But I was there as his friend.  When he ran out of money and could no longer pay rent, I went over to his apartment and helped him call his aunts, so that they could move him to their house in St Louis.  When he was feeling lonely or like he didn't matter in the world I would talk with him, and sometimes go hang out with him.

He eventually found a group of people in St. Louis that seemed to enjoy his company.  And the last time we hung out was just about 2 years ago.  Actually it was probably a year before he would pass away.  We always texted each other around New Year's and the Golden Globes.  So, this year when my messages went unanswered, I assumed that he had just met someone and didn't want me to pop back into his life.

But that was not the case.  I have thought about him these last few months, we aren't friends on FB but upon looking his FB page hadn't been changed since March of 2019.  So, this past Tuesday night I googled him and his obituary popped up.  I didn't want to believe it.  My heart hurt.  It was probably the worst pain I have ever felt.  It wasn't just due to him being gone, but I don't think I ever truly grieved the relationship that we had and could have had.  I think that in seeing that death notice, I really had to understand  that there would never be an us again.

Paul didn't reach his potential.  He was given so much, yet what he needed was a childhood and young adulthood filled with love.  I don't know that he got that.  I don't know that he ever felt truly loved, even by me.  I think that Paul saw the world and life in a very different way.  He wasn't able to understand things the way most people do.  I'm thankful for him.  I am thankful for the memories, for the moments that I have in my mind that are just ours.  I am thankful that he was my first.  I am thankful that in the midst of this anguish I can remember that there was good.

I hope in his last moments he was able to feel loved.  I hope and pray that he was able to understand that he did make a difference in the lives around him.  I hope that as I continue to live my life, I can take some of what I learned from him with me.  It isn't the ending to his or our story that I would have ever dreamed, but it's the ending that has happened.  So as I continue to grieve, and process... and will live a life that sees people where they are.  I will try my best to help whoever I can, and I will hold inside of me the story of my first love forever and always.