2022... How is it March?

 Well it seems that my blogging goal is not going to be completed this year, but what can I say it has been a crazy year already!  I've missed a lot of days due to sickness, and then school has just been out because of snow, and other things.  It is crazy how time has flown by.  The days are slow, but the weeks are SO fast.  

What brought me here today is a need to just word vomit everything that is inside of me.  I'm not going to post this to my FB wall, or tweet it out.  So for those lucky few that still actually follow my blog, you are probably going to be the only ones that read it!  

I'm in a funk.  It's not a place that is unfamiliar to me, but it is a place I haven't been in awhile.  A place where I feel less than.  A place where I am questioning my worth and what I am doing.  Not because I am not good at it, but because it feels lonely. It feels SO lonely.  I actually had thought that I had found a place where I could be myself, and thrive.  A place where I was going to be surrounded by friends, and people that loved each other, supported, and encouraged each other.  But I'm finding that's not really the case.  It hurts me, and makes me sad... but it doesn't really surprise me.  Maybe this is every school right now?  Maybe we are too busy, and self-absorbed that we can't remember or make time to check on other people.  I literally feel like I could die tomorrow, and life would just continue, someone would take over my classroom,  and people might shed a few tears, but that would be it.  And somehow I am surprised by it.  I want more.  I want deeper friendships.  I want co-workers that call me, and text me because they want to know how I am as a person not just to ask me a question about my class.  

This week I was sick, like really sick.  Other then my team texting me because they were helping me out for lesson plans, etc (which I am super thankful for) only one person reached out to see how I was doing.   And only a few more asked, but that was only after I reached out to them, or posted on my FB wall.    I know that I think about others way more then the average person.  I know that.  So I know that my expectations for people reaching out are abnormal, but shouldn't we expect that?  Like isn't that part of a school family.  If we call ourselves that then shouldn't we be touching base with those around us especially after the 4th day that they are out?  Or even just friends, like shouldn't we be asking people how they are doing?  Are we so busy that human kindness is just out the window.  

I don't do things so that others will give back to me.  I learned a long time ago that is not how it works,  and even more so in the last couple of years I have realized that people are just selfish.  I can't change that,  and I am going to try to change my expectation.  But let's be real, I will always expect people to think about others the way I do.  I want people to check in, and make me feel like I'm missed, that they care about my well-being.  I can't make them though, and I know that.  

Another conversation I had made me feel like I am not a good enough teacher.  I feel like this person is ALWAYS trying to one-up everyone around them.  Always.  Their last school district will always be better then ours.  They are always leading the charge in their students doing the best or making the most progress.  I wish that I didn't feel this way about this person, but I do.  I wish that I hadn't trusted this person so completely.  I want to take back the things that I have confided in them, because I don't think they are as trustworthy as I once imagined them to be.  

So where do I go from here?  My instinct is to just start pulling back from everyone.  To just do what I need to do at work, and be civil but not go beyond that.  If I'm honest that's what I probably will end up doing.  Mostly because I'm tired.  I'm tired of working so hard to develop genuine friendships with people only for it to not be what I wish it was.  I'm tired of the constant competition among people.  The constant need for people to try to be better then me.  And I'm not going to do it.  So that might look like I go into a shell for awhile.  I don't know, but I need to do what's best for me.  

A New Year.. a new word! Mindful 2022

 Wow!  I can't believe that I haven't written a blog since April!  Life sure has taken a crazy turn, but I am SO happy right where I am.  I'm hoping that 2022 brings more blogs, and  more of me just taking time to be.  I always choose a new word for the year, and this year is no different.  

My word for the year is mindful....being aware of the moment to moment.  Meditating more.  Taking more time to just be.  I feel like I have done this a lot more in the past few years... but I really want to expand on it through this next year.  Probably means some more time for blogging as well.  

I am ready for the year 2021 to be over!  I am ready for a new year.... I have a new place to live, a new job that I am loving even during the hard times.  And I am ready for some new adventures along the way.  

Hoping that I can take more time to practice mindfulness, and lead me to creating mindfulness in my students as well!  

The Change that is Coming....

It is hard for me to believe that I have only blogged a few times this year.  I am not sure how time has gotten away from me, but it has.  I don't even really know how it is already April in 2021.  This year has brought some loss, and some insight that I am thankful for.  The past few years have been challenging.  Even more so the past year has been one that I will always think back on as one of the most transformative of my life.  I believe that life is about growing, changing, and becoming the best you can be.  Sometimes you go through really hard things, but those things are what helps you to become even better.  

Friendship is something that I struggle with.  Most of the people I thought would be there as lifelong friends, have left me.  This year was no exception to that.  I let someone back in my life after a little hiatus, and I thought that we had a genuine friendship.  I thought that he would be there for me no matter what, and that he was actually sincere in his friendship with me.  But I found out that is not in fact true.  He easily threw me away, when he found someone that fit into his life better.  He's not the kind of person that can have multiple people as close friends.  And in fact he doesn't like to get close to people because he is afraid that they will see who he really is.  I'm thankful for the time we had.  I am thankful that I was able to have him back in my life for a little while.  I am not sure why I wasn't good enough for him to maintain a friendship with.  Why it was so easy for him to throw me away, but I can't take that personally, right?  

I became part of a group of people back in the fall and I thought... great this is finally a place where I might find those friendships that I've been looking for.  The kind of people that I can just hang out with be myself, and not feel the need to explain myself, or put on a mask to be the person they want me to be.  Then the new year came, and some things happened to make that group become something else.  I thought that I was in a good place.  But for some reason I am always finding myself in a place where people like me when they first meet me, and then they want nothing to do with me after awhile.  

I try to be someone that accepts people for who they are.  I try to be someone that looks at the positives in a situation, and tries to see where people are coming from.  But I also know that not everyone is going to be my best friend.  I know that people tend to come  in and out of your life.  They find significant others, and leave the rest behind.  

Change is coming for me.  I have to realize that I might just be a temporary friend.  That might just be my role in life.  The person  that is there when you need her, but beyond that I am disposable.  Beyond that when I am annoying or the person you never thought I would be... I am not worth your time or effort.  

I'll never stop trying.  I will never see a phone call or text message where someone needs help, and not give my help unless I am just unavailable or have too much going on.  But I will step back if I am in a place where I feel unwanted.  I never want to be a burden on anyone.  I never want my presence to cause them stress or harm.  And unfortunately for a lot of people it seems like that is what it does.  

I know I have my quirks, just like anyone else.  I know that somedays I feel like partying my life away.  I am social, enthusiastic, and outgoing.  But other days I just feel like hiking a trail, doing some yoga, and taking some time away to just be.  This is me.  I am not a go out every weekend kind of girl.  I like staying in, playing cards, sitting around a campfire talking about hard things, or going on a hike where all we do is just walk and think.  

I care so much about people.   I want everyone to have a good time, I want everyone to leave my presence feeling better about themselves.  I never want anyone that I have interacted with to doubt their worth or value to me.  But I know that sometimes they do.  Because I am not perfect.  As much as I would like to always be there for everyone else, I just can't.  

I guess this is going  to be another year of me learning that not everyone is a lifelong friend.  That most people are just going to be there as long as you are there for them.  It is going to be another year of learning about who I am as a person, and the boundaries that I have with others.  It is going to be another year of searching for those people that will always have my back, and not just drop me the minute  someone "better" comes along.  It is going to be another year of working through past feelings of rejection.  Another year....

You know what?  I don't regret it though.  I am happy to be in the place that I am.  Because I know that my friendship is worth something.  I know that I am valuable.  I love hard, I give of myself.  I will absolutely be there for you no matter what. 

So change is coming.....  I know it is.... but I am ready for it.  Here's to meeting and keeping those people in my life that will value me, and know my worth.  Those that will see my crazy, insecure side, and not let it be something that makes them run the other direction.  Those that will sit beside me in my silence the same as in my loudness.  I know they are there....  I just know it!  

A month in to 2021

 Wow!  I didn't realize that I hadn't written a blog for so long!  I didn't even write my typical beginning of the year blah blah one! I am not sure what is wrong but I have just been in a writing funk.  I haven't really wanted to put my thoughts down, even my journaling has struggled a bit.  I'm not sure why that is other then I have just been in this place of disappointment in this country, and people that I know.  People that I grew up with, family and friends that constantly are putting down others, or claiming the election was rigged, and seeing everything that the new President is doing as awful.  

Somewhere along the way we forgot how to love others.  We forgot how to put aside our differences, and look at what compassion, love, truth, dignity, and kindness really are.  I think we have forgotten that the words we post aren't just words.  When we are making fun of others through hateful memes.. it might not say it is directed at anyone (yet sometimes it is) but it is still showing your character.  It is still showing that as a person you are willing to put someone down just because they don't agree with you?  

I know I'm not going to ever completely agree 100% with anyone.  We are all different.  We have all been raised differently, and been different places that have directly impacted how we view the world.  I'm thankful that I can see beyond political lines, but I'm so sad that most people can't.  They lump everyone who is a "Republican" one way, and everyone who is a "Democrat" another.  The truth is that if we are all honest we probably have more similarities then we do differences.  

I guess that's probably why I haven't written much.... because my heart is hurting by the hate.  By the name-calling.  By the fact that people are such bullies behind a computer screen.  

I wish we could see each other with love as the center.  Whatever kind of love you might believe in.  

For now...  I will continue to focus on how I love and accept others!  

Determined 2021

 It's that time of the year!  I can't believe that it is 6 days in to the last month of 2020!  What a crazy year it has been.  My word for this year was Transformation.  I think that I did a good job of letting my life be transformed.  As much as any life could be in 2020.  But really I think this year made me stop and just be thankful for life.  For the laughs, for the moments in the past that I have been able to go out and actually do things.  Maybe it wasn't the transformation I was expecting, but I am a better person because of this year.  

In 25 days we will be celebrating the end of a year and the beginning of something new.  I had high hopes that this year would be the year that I would meet that man.  You know the one that would love me and sweep me away with all kinds of romantic gestures!  Just in case you wondered.... it didn't happen!  

But I think that in itself was part of my transformation.  I still want that.... but I'm also okay.  I'm okay making life the best it can be.  Whether that means eventually getting married or not. Being okay with singleness.... that in itself is a transformation.  

So, as I was pondering this next year.  I thought about what it is I truly want.  I turn 40 in August of 2021....  40!  It feels so much younger then it did when I was 20!  I want this year to be the year.  The year that I get out of debt.  The year that I weigh a healthier weight.  The year I write my book.  The year I find a job that I love, and can retire in.  

2021's word of the year is DETERMINED!  

I am determined to be the best I can.  Determined to lose weight, and start running.  Determined to hike as much as I can.  Be outside as much as I can.  Determined to finish the book that I have been on the cusp of writing for so long.  Determined to not let others decide my life for me.....  

So here's to a new year.... and a very determined me!  

My Identity...

 Last night I had a conversation with a friend.... a friend that I consider a good friend and it made me think about some things that I have had in the back of my mind for awhile.  Our country is so very divided.  People are name calling right and left.  If you don't adhere to a certain political party then you are basically the spawn of satan... and not worth their time or energy.  

I have spent a total of 6 years living overseas.  I have visited a total of 10 countries.  I have lived in the United States for 33 years, have had a passport for 20 years, and have been an American for 39.  But I think that what I identify with is the fact that I believe in something higher then myself.  So that identity outweighs everything else.  Shouldn't it?  Shouldn't my identity rest outside of this world?  

I believe that this world is only temporary.  I believe that I was privileged to be born in America, and have grown up here.  But do you know what I also am so very thankful for?  The chance that I have had to go outside of the United States.  You see for a long time in my travels I felt superior.  I felt like because I was an American I should just automatically be given privileges.  That being American meant I was better then those I encountered on my travels.  

It has taken a lot of years, and a lot of experiences to humble me and get me to a place where I don't see that as the truth.  I am proud to be an American.  I am thankful for those that have sacrificed their life.  But I don't think that Jesus' love means to put down every country that isn't American.  I don't think that Jesus' love means to only adhere to one specific political party.  Or one specific person over another.  

The truth is that we don't truly know who people are except to spend time with them.  Social media has brought about a façade, and you can basically be whoever you want to be online.  Some people are real, but I have found that most are fake.  I try my best to be the most authentic I can, but even I catch myself molding to those I'm around.  Trying to be who they want me to be, so that I can be accepted and liked by them.  

I'm sad that there are those that will write people off because they don't agree with them.  I am sad that we can't take the time to get to know someone outside of a screen. I am sad that in our identities, we place being American so high on the list, and being a kind, compassionate, human being so low.  I am sad that I can't just have a conversation with people about those differences without being ridiculed and mocked.  

But you know what I'm not sad about?  I am not sad that my identity is a foundation of love.  I may not always be loving and kind... but I sure do aim for it.  I may not always strive to understand where others are coming from, but I truly do aim to walk a mile in their shoes if I can.  

I'm not sad at all that I identify as a lover of Jesus first... and everything else next.  I know that it has kept me from some relationships that would otherwise be amazing.  But I'm not going to change my mind.  I am not going to lose my love, or my identity in it.  

2020... not the worst

 We all know that 2020 hasn't exactly been the year that we imagined  back in December 2019 when we were making all those lists and imagining all that would come out of this year.  But as I sit here and think about all that 2020 hasn't been... I really am pretty thankful for all that 2020 has been.  

I've learned who my real friends are.  I don't have a lot of them, and they are each different in their own way... but I have learned who is there for me.  This year has allowed me to draw closer to my family like never before and rely on them.  I have learned that those that make the effort, aren't always doing it for the best motives.  I have also learned that those that don't make the effort, still might be worth it, but you just have to be careful.  

This year has brought a lot of changes with my job, the biggest being working from home.  Honestly I have enjoyed working from home.  Sure it has its moments, but honestly I'm thankful.  Because of working from home I was able to get a dog, and move.  Two things which have proved to be really great. 

I have had more Saturday's free then I thought I was going to.  I have been able to go camping/hiking a lot more, and that is something that truly does help me feel happier.  

I've been able to become stronger in 2020.  Things that would have broken me a couple years ago, haven't had that affect on me this year.  They have still affected me, and I still have had moments of being sad, and not understanding why people don't love the same way I do.  But I'm thankful that each year that goes by I get better at letting things go that need to be taken on.  

So as I think about 2020.  I don't think it was this awful year.  I think that it was a defining year.  It was the year that I finally let something go that I have been hoping for.  Something that has consumed me, but I know it will never be, and maybe it was never meant to be and I just read everything wrong.  But as I pass into the next year, I'm leaving it behind.  I'm letting it go, as much as it hurts me to.  This year helped me know that I am okay just as I am.  I am someone that people should welcome into their life, and try to keep me.  If they don't then we were just meant to be for a little while, not forever.  

So here's to another month of being defined... and looking to the good.  I hope 2021 brings a few specific things... but if it doesn't.... I'm sure that I will learn something.  And that's what counts!