This whole past weekend was supposed to be rainy. The forecast made it seem like we were all going to be stuck indoors for the long haul. Even this week was supposed to rain everyday. It got me thinking about life, and the future. Sometimes when we look at the future it seems like it is just going to be full of rain... it seems like we are stuck in this place of never getting what we want and prayers going unanswered. I feel like that a lot of times, especially when I am thinking about where I thought I would be in life right now. But this year, especially the last few months have taught me a lot about my faith, and the things that happen in my life. I have relied a lot on making things go the way I want them to go. If someone doesn't choose me, I take it personally and focus on what I could have done wrong. I'm reading the Boundaries book right now, and I am finding it to be very enlightening. I'm realizing more and more that I'm a pretty cool person to be around. I'm a good friend. I give sometimes to the point of breaking. So, if people want to leave my life, or not put forth the effort to get to spend time with me... well that's on them. I'm not going to push my way into anyone's life. I'm also not going to let people use me for my kindness, and willingness to be there for them.
So I have decided that sometimes when it seems like the storm will just keep going... you just have to sit it out. You have to wait, and sometimes wait some more. In the wait you realize that you don't control the storm. But you control how you react to the storm. You can either waste a lot of time and energy trying to get the storm to go somewhere else, or you can enjoy it... learn in it... and move forward when the sun comes out.
We all have emotions, and experiences that mold us and define us. We all have moments in time that we wish we would have said something, and not let that moment slip away. We all have people that we wish could see us differently, and wish they wanted us to be a bigger part of our life than we are. But the thing that keeps replaying over and over in my mind is something that was put very clearly today:
"Only what God initiates will be sustained and fulfilled." -Bible Recap
It seems to me that I spend a lot of time and energy trying to get things initiated on my own. But you know what? The right people, the right experiences, they will happen for me, not because I forced them to. There is something that I have been praying about for awhile, and although it doesn't look like it is going to happen the way I wanted it to... I am thankful for the experience, and how it has taught me to focus up. Sometimes when we hear "wait" it isn't for a yes... sometimes when we hear "wait" it is for a no. Even in the no we can learn so much... but if we are busy trying to control the storm, it is too loud to hear and focus on what we are supposed to be learning.
So I sit and wait through this storm. I think I've heard no... and I'm okay with that. It will still take time to process, and I will still probably have some doubts. But when I sit, ponder, wait, and trust the storm seems beautifully destructive of all that wasn't meant for me.
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
Untamed... book #14
I haven't been blogging about every book this year... but I really want to blog about the ones that truly impact me in the deepest way. Untamed by Glennon Doyle is one of them. I knew that I would love it as soon as I started it. I didn't really know that it would be just what I needed at this moment in my life. Words they are like such a comforter to me. It has always been that way. I few written words after an awful day and I feel just so much better. Words are definitely my love language. So as I read this book, I just let it wrap me up.. kind of like those big burrito shaped blankets that you see. I let myself be a burrito. I allowed myself to feel all the things... and because of that I am one giant heap of sobbing tears and red-faced crazy. But you know what? I would rather be crazy emotional, then be able to just push someone away like they didn't mean anything to me at all. So I take in all my feelings as I grieve a friendship that I thought would never change this drastically or come to what seems like an end. I grieved as I read.. and I learned. I learned about who I am, who I want to be, and my next steps that I need to take in order to heal from rejection.
Some of my favorite things that were in untamed weren't necessarily the quotes, but more the stories. The stories of life, love, and understanding more of who she is. We get put in boxes so early on, and we think that just because we have believed in one thing our entire lives that wee have to continue in that path. But it isn't true, is it? We can forge down a new path. We can make a life that is different from the one we thought we would be on. We can start over in a new place....
We can also unbelieve some of the things that we were taught to believe and it will be okay.
But here are some of my favorite quotes...
"I wanted to be a good girl, so I tried to control myself. I chose a personality, a body, a faith, and a sexuality so tiny I had to hold my breath to fit myself inside. Then I promptly became very sick." page 5
"I was wild until I was tamed by shame. Until I started hiding and numbing my feelings for fear of being too much." page 46
"Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that's what they're for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you're doing it right , and that doing it right hurts sometimes." page 50
"Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. This is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process." page 52
"I have learned that if I want to rise, I have to sink first. I have to search for and depend upon the voice of inner wisdom instead of voices of outer approval." page 60
"Discontent is evidence that your imagination has not given up on you." page 67
"The truest, most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one. We need to let go of the lie that it's supposed to be." page 70
"What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world's expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves." page 75
"You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy." page 93
"Brave means living from the inside out. Brave means, in every uncertain moment, turning inward, feeling for the Knowing, and speaking it out loud." page 105
"She trusted her own voice more than she trusted the voices of others. Brave is not asking the crowd what is brave. Brave is deciding for oneself." page 106
"She offered a new friendship memo: that for us there would be no arbitrary rules, obligations, or expectations. We would not owe each other anything other than admiration, respect, love- and that was all done already. We became friends." page 110
"What if love is not the process of disappearing for the beloved but of emerging for the beloved? page 128
"The moment after we don't know what to do with ourselves is the moment we find ourselves. Right after itchy boredom is self-discovery. But we have to hang in there long enough without bailing." page 158
Some of my favorite things that were in untamed weren't necessarily the quotes, but more the stories. The stories of life, love, and understanding more of who she is. We get put in boxes so early on, and we think that just because we have believed in one thing our entire lives that wee have to continue in that path. But it isn't true, is it? We can forge down a new path. We can make a life that is different from the one we thought we would be on. We can start over in a new place....
We can also unbelieve some of the things that we were taught to believe and it will be okay.
But here are some of my favorite quotes...
"I wanted to be a good girl, so I tried to control myself. I chose a personality, a body, a faith, and a sexuality so tiny I had to hold my breath to fit myself inside. Then I promptly became very sick." page 5
"I was wild until I was tamed by shame. Until I started hiding and numbing my feelings for fear of being too much." page 46
"Feeling all your feelings is hard, but that's what they're for. Feelings are for feeling. All of them. Even the hard ones. The secret is that you're doing it right , and that doing it right hurts sometimes." page 50
"Pain is not tragic. Pain is magic. Suffering is tragic. Suffering is what happens when we avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. This is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process." page 52
"I have learned that if I want to rise, I have to sink first. I have to search for and depend upon the voice of inner wisdom instead of voices of outer approval." page 60
"Discontent is evidence that your imagination has not given up on you." page 67
"The truest, most beautiful life never promises to be an easy one. We need to let go of the lie that it's supposed to be." page 70
"What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world's expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves." page 75
"You will never change the fact that being human is hard, so you must change your idea that it was ever supposed to be easy." page 93
"Brave means living from the inside out. Brave means, in every uncertain moment, turning inward, feeling for the Knowing, and speaking it out loud." page 105
"She trusted her own voice more than she trusted the voices of others. Brave is not asking the crowd what is brave. Brave is deciding for oneself." page 106
"She offered a new friendship memo: that for us there would be no arbitrary rules, obligations, or expectations. We would not owe each other anything other than admiration, respect, love- and that was all done already. We became friends." page 110
"What if love is not the process of disappearing for the beloved but of emerging for the beloved? page 128
"The moment after we don't know what to do with ourselves is the moment we find ourselves. Right after itchy boredom is self-discovery. But we have to hang in there long enough without bailing." page 158
"What if we decided that it is strength- not weakness- to let other people's pain pierce us?" -page 182
"The miracle of grace is that you can give what you have never gotten." -page 17
"Judgment is just another cage we live in so we don't have to feel, know, and imagine. Judgment is self-abandonment. You are not here to waste your time deciding whether my life is true and beautiful enough for you." page 201
"I want us to all grow so comfortable in our own feelings, our own Knowing, our own imaginations that we become more committed to our own joy, freedom, and integrity than we are to manipulating what others think of us. page 202
"Luckily, I am a woman who has learned repeatedly that while rock bottom feels like the end- it's always the beginning of something." page 213
"Blessed are those brave enough to make things awkward, for they wake us up and move us forward." page 222
This life is full of doubts and fears. We learn at an early age that we are too much, that we need to calm ourselves or people won't like us. We learn early on especially in spiritual households to be this way or that. It is too much sometimes. As I read through these quotes, they help me heal from some things.. and help me realize others. My emotions they are a part of me... being brave means understanding those emotions. Being brave means not being afraid to be exactly who I am... with all my faults. My imperfections, my passions... everything that I feel is okay. I don't have to hide or belittle myself for the sake of other's feelings. That's what this book did for me....
So thankful for these words.... read this book!
Saturday, May 9, 2020
Thrown Away....
This week has been tough for a number of reasons. I learned that I am going to be working from home until at least the end of August. I learned that I am going to have to do a lot more in July than I thought. I learned that I have to change my vacation time, that I so desperately need/want. I also learned that I'm not as valuable to people as I thought I was. None of those things are really within my control. Except maybe the vacation, but honestly I am just over it at this point.
As a 2 on the Enneagram scale I am a helper. Everything that I do pretty much is to help other people. Most of the time it is to help them without wanting anything back in return, except to be loved. If I am honest being loved and liked is very much a part of who I am. I want people to like me. I want to feel like I don't have to earn their love or attention. That I can be who I am, say whatever I am thinking and they will still 100 % love and support me. In the past few years that has proven to be false, so why would I think any differently now? I find myself in a situation once again where someone is leaving me. For whatever reason my friendship isn't good enough to pursue, and keep. My friendship is very easily being thrown away.
I have never been someone that needs a lot of good friends. I like to have friends, and I like being around people most of the time. I would say that I do get energy from being around people a lot of the time, but I don't need tons of friends. I just need a few good friends that I can turn to when I need to be picked up at 4:00 am after a volunteer party, or need to come help me when my tire is flat along a very busy road, or am just feeling lonely and need some company. The past few years have been a little lonely in the friendship department. I will get a good couple of friends, and then something happens and they will just disappear out of my life....
Most of the time they disappear because I stop trying. Not that I don't want to be their friend, but I just stop being the first one to call or text. When that happens, they slowly drift away. I find that people really like me when they first meet me and for about another 2 months after that. Then I don't know I guess I flip the "crazy tawnya" switch or something, and they find someone better to hang out with, or they no longer need me.
I'm a great listener. I know this about myself. I rarely interrupt, and I usually let other people talk about what is going on in their lives, and only mention myself if they ask. Some of that is to keep myself in a little box, but also because I genuinely like hearing what other people are going through. And trying to be there for them. This also means that there are very few times, when I actually get to talk about what is on my heart, and have someone genuinely listen.
When I think back to people leaving me...I most of the time blame myself. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me that I can't keep friends? I go out of my way to be a good friend. I listen, I drop whatever I am doing whenever they have a problem and drive however long I need to do just to be there for them. Yet for some reason it isn't enough. For some reason I can't get people to do that for me.
I have thought through this a lot, because even writing those words, makes me feel extremely selfish. Love isn't about what other people can do for you... it is about what you can do for them. But I have to ask myself…. if I am the one every single time dropping everything to listen to and be there for other people.… but there's none of that done for me..... then I don't really know that I am the problem after all.
I believe that love is about sacrifice and courage. You have to be willing to sacrifice some of your own wants and needs sometimes. You have to be willing to put other people first. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and that takes courage. Loving someone means showing them love the way they need to be shown love. In whatever way that is. But if you say for instance that your love language is doing things for people. And you are making a valid effort to do things for some people, but only when it will benefit you... then I am probably going to question your love.
I realized this week that if someone says their love language is gifts, but they have never given me a gift... then I would say I am not actually one of their top people. Or if they say their love language is time, but they never want to spend time with me.... probably not one of their top people.
I will never be someone that isn't kind. I will never be able to stop helping people... but I am getting to the point where I realize that my friendship can have different levels. I don't have to be everything for everyone… I can't. Especially when it is not reciprocated. I can't continue to put forth effort and energy into friendships that would die if that effort and energy were no longer coming from me.
So..... even though it feels like I am easily thrown away.. I have to remember that the right people will see my worth. I won't stop being kind and helpful, but I am also not going to continue to put so much into developing friendships that it seems like I'm not getting anything in return. Or the effort and love that I am giving aren't being seen as worth anything. I am a really good friend. I have my faults, but I give and love. I see the good in people, and I would do anything for anyone. So for today, I say good-bye to those that don't see my worth and look forward to the ones that will come next that do.
As a 2 on the Enneagram scale I am a helper. Everything that I do pretty much is to help other people. Most of the time it is to help them without wanting anything back in return, except to be loved. If I am honest being loved and liked is very much a part of who I am. I want people to like me. I want to feel like I don't have to earn their love or attention. That I can be who I am, say whatever I am thinking and they will still 100 % love and support me. In the past few years that has proven to be false, so why would I think any differently now? I find myself in a situation once again where someone is leaving me. For whatever reason my friendship isn't good enough to pursue, and keep. My friendship is very easily being thrown away.
I have never been someone that needs a lot of good friends. I like to have friends, and I like being around people most of the time. I would say that I do get energy from being around people a lot of the time, but I don't need tons of friends. I just need a few good friends that I can turn to when I need to be picked up at 4:00 am after a volunteer party, or need to come help me when my tire is flat along a very busy road, or am just feeling lonely and need some company. The past few years have been a little lonely in the friendship department. I will get a good couple of friends, and then something happens and they will just disappear out of my life....
Most of the time they disappear because I stop trying. Not that I don't want to be their friend, but I just stop being the first one to call or text. When that happens, they slowly drift away. I find that people really like me when they first meet me and for about another 2 months after that. Then I don't know I guess I flip the "crazy tawnya" switch or something, and they find someone better to hang out with, or they no longer need me.
I'm a great listener. I know this about myself. I rarely interrupt, and I usually let other people talk about what is going on in their lives, and only mention myself if they ask. Some of that is to keep myself in a little box, but also because I genuinely like hearing what other people are going through. And trying to be there for them. This also means that there are very few times, when I actually get to talk about what is on my heart, and have someone genuinely listen.
When I think back to people leaving me...I most of the time blame myself. What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me that I can't keep friends? I go out of my way to be a good friend. I listen, I drop whatever I am doing whenever they have a problem and drive however long I need to do just to be there for them. Yet for some reason it isn't enough. For some reason I can't get people to do that for me.
I have thought through this a lot, because even writing those words, makes me feel extremely selfish. Love isn't about what other people can do for you... it is about what you can do for them. But I have to ask myself…. if I am the one every single time dropping everything to listen to and be there for other people.… but there's none of that done for me..... then I don't really know that I am the problem after all.
I believe that love is about sacrifice and courage. You have to be willing to sacrifice some of your own wants and needs sometimes. You have to be willing to put other people first. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and that takes courage. Loving someone means showing them love the way they need to be shown love. In whatever way that is. But if you say for instance that your love language is doing things for people. And you are making a valid effort to do things for some people, but only when it will benefit you... then I am probably going to question your love.
I realized this week that if someone says their love language is gifts, but they have never given me a gift... then I would say I am not actually one of their top people. Or if they say their love language is time, but they never want to spend time with me.... probably not one of their top people.
I will never be someone that isn't kind. I will never be able to stop helping people... but I am getting to the point where I realize that my friendship can have different levels. I don't have to be everything for everyone… I can't. Especially when it is not reciprocated. I can't continue to put forth effort and energy into friendships that would die if that effort and energy were no longer coming from me.
So..... even though it feels like I am easily thrown away.. I have to remember that the right people will see my worth. I won't stop being kind and helpful, but I am also not going to continue to put so much into developing friendships that it seems like I'm not getting anything in return. Or the effort and love that I am giving aren't being seen as worth anything. I am a really good friend. I have my faults, but I give and love. I see the good in people, and I would do anything for anyone. So for today, I say good-bye to those that don't see my worth and look forward to the ones that will come next that do.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Quarantined.... some thoughts for now...
I've been working from home for over a month now. I didn't know when I left my office in March that we probably wouldn't be going back till at least the end of May... if not later. It's weird this working from home thing... I am literally doing everything at home, and it can get really old. But there are also things I really like about it. I get to create my own schedule. I can get up at 10, and end work at 6. I don't have to put on real pants. But there are other things about working from home that are driving me crazy. I feel like I have no time off. I literally have 2-3 zoom meetings every single day. I've had to create virtual programs, and a lot of them. Which means more zoom meetings. I work everyday except for Sunday.
I'm happy to have work to do. I am happy that I am being paid. Because I know that some people aren't. I am happy that I am able to be in an apartment that I like, because honestly if I had been in my previous apartment this situation would be basically hell on earth!
But this situation has also created in me a time of reflection. I have had some of the best conversations during this time, but I have also had to face some things... and help others through some things. I talked to a friend the other day who is going through some hard things. This friend shared with me some of what was said in a conversation where they told someone how they felt. It was this heartfelt thing that this person said... and I am happy for this person if everything works out the way they want it to, but it was also this deep, painful reminder to me that I may never have that kind of love. I long to be pursued, to be worth going above and beyond. Someone who wants all of me... all of the mess that I am. Loves me even when I am an emotional wreck. Loves me even when I am annoying, and demand more than what they want to give. I long for that with all of my heart. But you know what I get? I get the, "hey what's up?" from the engaged guy that I dated 2 years ago. Or the late night texts from someone who is drunk and just wanting attention. So.. it makes me feel like I'm not worthy. It makes me feel like I am good enough to be a friend, or a text buddy.. but will I ever be good enough for someone to want me in their life forever? Will I ever be the one that someone wants to move mountains for?
Some of you will be so bold to say.. but Jesus does that for you.... and that's all fine and good. And on my best days, I know that.... but there aren't a lot of best days. Especially stuck in a world where I can't even attempt to go on an actual date... not that anyone would be asking me anyways. Because truthfully dating right now is just a bunch of text messages without anything real behind any of them. Regardless... to those of you who are married or in a long term relationship and want to tell me that I need to find my all in Jesus.. I inquire of you.. is that what you do? I 100% bet it isn't. Because through this quarantine you have had someone always there for you, right? You have had someone hug you when you needed a hug... you have been able to cry and scream and know that you are loved through this mess. So.. .please do not tell me I need to find my spouse in Jesus. Frankly I just don't want to hear it. Not today, maybe not tomorrow... Especially when things don't go as you think they will....
I will get through these doubts, I always do. But for me I just need to process them, think through them and choose what is truth and what is not. I wish I didn't have the baggage of friends leaving me for no reason. Sometimes I wish that instead of going overseas and waiting to really date till in my 30's I had just stayed in the states, married the first guy who was interested and had a couple babies. Because then it might feel like my life was at least worth something...
Please do not read this and think that I am feeling sorry for myself.. because I am not. I know that I have lived a life that some people dream about. But the real honest part of me struggles everyday with feeling like I am not good enough. I know that there are plenty of people living in marriages and relationships where they don't feel loved. I know that there are plenty of people that feel like every friendship they have is one-sided. That if they don't reach out no one will ever reach out to them. I feel that way quite often.
But then I stop focusing on myself. I look outside of the selfish desires that I have and I realize that love isn't really about me. If for the rest of my life I am the person that everyone comes to for a listening ear and advice without being there for me to lean on... I will fulfill that role with joy. If I never have someone pursue me to the point of marriage, I will be okay.. and even though it will probably break my heart on a daily basis I will live through it knowing that there is another purpose for me being on this earth. If I continue to have people walk out of my life, because of things I did or didn't do... I will learn from those and understand that the people that are meant to be in my life will stay.
If you are still reading this... thanks! I think that sometimes it is easy to post things that are only good. We don't post the times when we doubt, fear, or are sad. But there are those times... every single day. We need to talk more about those times. About how hard things are... of course we need to see the good... but the way we help each other is by being authentic and real. So.. this is the raw version of me... the thoughts that I have that I don't always share. Why I choose to write them on a public forum? Well.... I feel like it helps me process. And maybe in my process it can help someone else too... perhaps it can help someone else to not feel so alone in what they are going through...
Here's to days ahead, I don't know what is in store... and I am sure it will be good.. but sometimes you have to go through the valley to get to the mountaintop... And sometimes the valley is not what you ever thought it would be!
I'm happy to have work to do. I am happy that I am being paid. Because I know that some people aren't. I am happy that I am able to be in an apartment that I like, because honestly if I had been in my previous apartment this situation would be basically hell on earth!
But this situation has also created in me a time of reflection. I have had some of the best conversations during this time, but I have also had to face some things... and help others through some things. I talked to a friend the other day who is going through some hard things. This friend shared with me some of what was said in a conversation where they told someone how they felt. It was this heartfelt thing that this person said... and I am happy for this person if everything works out the way they want it to, but it was also this deep, painful reminder to me that I may never have that kind of love. I long to be pursued, to be worth going above and beyond. Someone who wants all of me... all of the mess that I am. Loves me even when I am an emotional wreck. Loves me even when I am annoying, and demand more than what they want to give. I long for that with all of my heart. But you know what I get? I get the, "hey what's up?" from the engaged guy that I dated 2 years ago. Or the late night texts from someone who is drunk and just wanting attention. So.. it makes me feel like I'm not worthy. It makes me feel like I am good enough to be a friend, or a text buddy.. but will I ever be good enough for someone to want me in their life forever? Will I ever be the one that someone wants to move mountains for?
Some of you will be so bold to say.. but Jesus does that for you.... and that's all fine and good. And on my best days, I know that.... but there aren't a lot of best days. Especially stuck in a world where I can't even attempt to go on an actual date... not that anyone would be asking me anyways. Because truthfully dating right now is just a bunch of text messages without anything real behind any of them. Regardless... to those of you who are married or in a long term relationship and want to tell me that I need to find my all in Jesus.. I inquire of you.. is that what you do? I 100% bet it isn't. Because through this quarantine you have had someone always there for you, right? You have had someone hug you when you needed a hug... you have been able to cry and scream and know that you are loved through this mess. So.. .please do not tell me I need to find my spouse in Jesus. Frankly I just don't want to hear it. Not today, maybe not tomorrow... Especially when things don't go as you think they will....
I will get through these doubts, I always do. But for me I just need to process them, think through them and choose what is truth and what is not. I wish I didn't have the baggage of friends leaving me for no reason. Sometimes I wish that instead of going overseas and waiting to really date till in my 30's I had just stayed in the states, married the first guy who was interested and had a couple babies. Because then it might feel like my life was at least worth something...
Please do not read this and think that I am feeling sorry for myself.. because I am not. I know that I have lived a life that some people dream about. But the real honest part of me struggles everyday with feeling like I am not good enough. I know that there are plenty of people living in marriages and relationships where they don't feel loved. I know that there are plenty of people that feel like every friendship they have is one-sided. That if they don't reach out no one will ever reach out to them. I feel that way quite often.
But then I stop focusing on myself. I look outside of the selfish desires that I have and I realize that love isn't really about me. If for the rest of my life I am the person that everyone comes to for a listening ear and advice without being there for me to lean on... I will fulfill that role with joy. If I never have someone pursue me to the point of marriage, I will be okay.. and even though it will probably break my heart on a daily basis I will live through it knowing that there is another purpose for me being on this earth. If I continue to have people walk out of my life, because of things I did or didn't do... I will learn from those and understand that the people that are meant to be in my life will stay.
If you are still reading this... thanks! I think that sometimes it is easy to post things that are only good. We don't post the times when we doubt, fear, or are sad. But there are those times... every single day. We need to talk more about those times. About how hard things are... of course we need to see the good... but the way we help each other is by being authentic and real. So.. this is the raw version of me... the thoughts that I have that I don't always share. Why I choose to write them on a public forum? Well.... I feel like it helps me process. And maybe in my process it can help someone else too... perhaps it can help someone else to not feel so alone in what they are going through...
Here's to days ahead, I don't know what is in store... and I am sure it will be good.. but sometimes you have to go through the valley to get to the mountaintop... And sometimes the valley is not what you ever thought it would be!
Tuesday, April 14, 2020
It's not personal
I hear this phrase a lot... especially when someone doesn't meet the expectations I think they should meet. I feel like right now I have limited expectations for people. Because really we are all just trying to make it through this crazy world. A world where people are out of jobs, and are scared because of a virus. A world where there are about a million different theories on what is going on, and information changes daily. A world where you can't really trust the news media, or politicians. A world that is broken, honestly that is what it boils down to. I had a conversation with someone yesterday, and she brought to my attention that this world is broken. I mean that is the simple way to put it. We expect it to be easy, and everything to make us happy. But in reality our human nature is broken. On a daily basis we are bombarded with things that bring us down, expectations aren't met, and things don't work out the way we think they should.
I let myself have a day yesterday. A day to grieve a friendship that is changing. A day to grieve the lives that are being lost daily. A day to grieve my singleness, and what seems to be God not answering or even hearing my prayers about that. A day to grieve the children that I wish I had. A day to grieve the people that used to be such a huge part of my life that I don't even talk to anymore. A day to just be in my emotions and grieve. We need that every now and then. We need to be able to just be sad for a little while.
It's okay to be sad, it's okay to grieve. It's okay to let out those tears.... but then you pick yourself back up. You think about the good things that you are learning, the laughs, the prospect of what is to come, and you remember that even in the moments when it doesn't feel like there is a reason for your existence there is. There are going to be sad days, and hard days. Life isn't rainbows, glitter and unicorns, but I fully believe that acknowledging how I feel and then moving past those feelings is the only way to go.
I can only control myself. Other people get to make their own decisions whether I agree with them or not. Sometimes I get lost in thinking those decisions are or should be about me... but really they can't be. We are such selfish beings. I saw a friend post just the other day about how helping other people who wouldn't help you is something they do that they wish they wouldn't. This struck me... because I know that I do this. All the time. I am there for other people, and then when I need them they have disappeared into some place of being "too busy" or something else similar. So, I have to think about how I am going to live my life. Am I going to live it keeping tallies of what I have done for others? Am I going to live it only doing things for people that I deem "helpful" to my life? I think that depends on who you are. I know that I do a lot more in friendships most of the time then others do for me. I am there for people when they are going through hard things... I am the friend that usually reaches out first. I am the one that would drive 4 hours just to drop something off to you, and then drive back. Sometimes it is exhausting. Sometimes it does get to me. But at the end of the day, those things are the things that fill me up. Being able to help others is what I was created to do. I am sure that I should have more boundaries. Honestly though just being able to help others is really truly joy giving to me.
So, I guess today's post is just a bunch of things that I have been thinking and feeling. Nothing profound other than, we can't take other people's actions or decisions personal. I've learned a lot this past year. A lot about myself, what I want for my life, and the type of people I want in it. I have also learned a lot about what it means to be a friend. True friendship to me, sticks through no matter what. Of course friendships go through seasons. There will be some seasons when you can be super close, and spend a lot of time together, and other seasons when you are just going to be able to have brief moments here and there. But real friends won't walk away. They love you through the crazy mess that you are. They don't leave you when they find someone better. But it may look different for awhile, and in that you are seeing God's love in a new way. So I am thankful for the people in my life, and even in the moments when I want to run because I feel like I am about to get hurt, I cling to Jesus and know that what is meant to be in my life will stay.
So, here's to more days of living authentically, and trying my hardest not to make things personal.... although I'm human... so I know that I absolutely will fail at that somedays, but that's okay. I just get back up and try again.
I let myself have a day yesterday. A day to grieve a friendship that is changing. A day to grieve the lives that are being lost daily. A day to grieve my singleness, and what seems to be God not answering or even hearing my prayers about that. A day to grieve the children that I wish I had. A day to grieve the people that used to be such a huge part of my life that I don't even talk to anymore. A day to just be in my emotions and grieve. We need that every now and then. We need to be able to just be sad for a little while.
It's okay to be sad, it's okay to grieve. It's okay to let out those tears.... but then you pick yourself back up. You think about the good things that you are learning, the laughs, the prospect of what is to come, and you remember that even in the moments when it doesn't feel like there is a reason for your existence there is. There are going to be sad days, and hard days. Life isn't rainbows, glitter and unicorns, but I fully believe that acknowledging how I feel and then moving past those feelings is the only way to go.
I can only control myself. Other people get to make their own decisions whether I agree with them or not. Sometimes I get lost in thinking those decisions are or should be about me... but really they can't be. We are such selfish beings. I saw a friend post just the other day about how helping other people who wouldn't help you is something they do that they wish they wouldn't. This struck me... because I know that I do this. All the time. I am there for other people, and then when I need them they have disappeared into some place of being "too busy" or something else similar. So, I have to think about how I am going to live my life. Am I going to live it keeping tallies of what I have done for others? Am I going to live it only doing things for people that I deem "helpful" to my life? I think that depends on who you are. I know that I do a lot more in friendships most of the time then others do for me. I am there for people when they are going through hard things... I am the friend that usually reaches out first. I am the one that would drive 4 hours just to drop something off to you, and then drive back. Sometimes it is exhausting. Sometimes it does get to me. But at the end of the day, those things are the things that fill me up. Being able to help others is what I was created to do. I am sure that I should have more boundaries. Honestly though just being able to help others is really truly joy giving to me.
So, I guess today's post is just a bunch of things that I have been thinking and feeling. Nothing profound other than, we can't take other people's actions or decisions personal. I've learned a lot this past year. A lot about myself, what I want for my life, and the type of people I want in it. I have also learned a lot about what it means to be a friend. True friendship to me, sticks through no matter what. Of course friendships go through seasons. There will be some seasons when you can be super close, and spend a lot of time together, and other seasons when you are just going to be able to have brief moments here and there. But real friends won't walk away. They love you through the crazy mess that you are. They don't leave you when they find someone better. But it may look different for awhile, and in that you are seeing God's love in a new way. So I am thankful for the people in my life, and even in the moments when I want to run because I feel like I am about to get hurt, I cling to Jesus and know that what is meant to be in my life will stay.
So, here's to more days of living authentically, and trying my hardest not to make things personal.... although I'm human... so I know that I absolutely will fail at that somedays, but that's okay. I just get back up and try again.
Saturday, March 28, 2020
Lent... and failure....
Social media is what I was supposed to give up for Lent. I did really good... until Corona hit us....and then it has been difficult. I have tried my best to stay off of it and not worry about what is going on too much except for reading my news email that I get every morning. But honestly in this time where we have to stay away from each other, social media is the best connection we have... besides Face Time and Zoom.
So... I am going to admit my failure and go back to social media. But I am going to try to limit myself, because I don't need all that crazy constantly bombarding my thoughts!
I was able to spend more time with God during my break away... and have been able to create and read a lot more....
So... here's to halfway meeting my goal... staying off social media as much as I can... and focusing on the good things that are happening all around me!
May we be intentional with connecting to each other, letting people know they are loved, and listening to what they need from us!
So... I am going to admit my failure and go back to social media. But I am going to try to limit myself, because I don't need all that crazy constantly bombarding my thoughts!
I was able to spend more time with God during my break away... and have been able to create and read a lot more....
So... here's to halfway meeting my goal... staying off social media as much as I can... and focusing on the good things that are happening all around me!
May we be intentional with connecting to each other, letting people know they are loved, and listening to what they need from us!
Working from home... almost week 3!
Monday will start almost 3 weeks of working from home. How crazy is it that this is life right now? I am still amazed by all that is happening in our country and the world. It is hard to take in, and even harder to understand how we are at this point. Sometimes I feel like this is all just a big hoax, and in a couple weeks someone is going to jump out and say... "just kidding." Then other times the weight of how many people are sick and dying gets the best of me. My empathic heart cries out. I don't want fear, death, sickness to rule our hearts and our lives. But unfortunately so many of us are letting it. I get it the fear of the unknown can stop us in our tracks, and make us very afraid.
But I have to believe that there is something greater out there... that is what I cling to. The hope that when this is all over, when we go back to hugging and being around each other again. That we will have a greater understanding for the things that are meaningful. We will have a greater appreciation for moments with friends. I'm not a hugger.. but I can't wait to hug people.
As I gear up to work from home, for yet another week I am thankful for the time that I have had to be away from the office. I think it will help me appreciate it more. I am also thankful for the moments that have allowed me to connect with people via zoom....
This is a weird time in our world.... let's all be kind and be there for each other. Hoping this all ends very soon.
But I have to believe that there is something greater out there... that is what I cling to. The hope that when this is all over, when we go back to hugging and being around each other again. That we will have a greater understanding for the things that are meaningful. We will have a greater appreciation for moments with friends. I'm not a hugger.. but I can't wait to hug people.
As I gear up to work from home, for yet another week I am thankful for the time that I have had to be away from the office. I think it will help me appreciate it more. I am also thankful for the moments that have allowed me to connect with people via zoom....
This is a weird time in our world.... let's all be kind and be there for each other. Hoping this all ends very soon.
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