Gaining a new focus...

Lent is supposed to be a time when I am able to focus on God, and sacrifice.  Instead I feel like a million things have been trying to distract me.  Feelings, emotions, and experiences have been trying to push me off the tracks.  Something happened with a friend, that broke my heart, and instead of letting it go, I keep dwelling on it and allowing it to hold onto me.  I feel like I am tethered to the bottom of the ocean, and every time I reach the surface I take a big breath, only to be swept under again.  I keep replaying things in my mind.  You see I don't want to lose this person, but I feel like it is time for me to step back away from them for a little while.  I need space and time to heal. 

Then today I was reading the Lent Devotional that was sent to me.  In it the focus was on searching for God.  It struck me that during this time, I haven't really been searching for God.  I gave up FB, and IG and I should have replaced that with this quest to get to know God better.  Instead I somehow replaced it with this quest to find someone to date.  So, I have let myself be distracted, be in my feelings, and focus on things that just aren't that important in the grand scheme of life. 

Instead I want to focus on what I can do for God's people.  It occurred to me yesterday as I drove around downtown, and saw some of the homeless people that I have been able to interact with in the shelter, that I know them.  I know their names.  I recognize them.  They are people that I have come to love, people that I understand more than some friends.  They are people that I get to interact with, and I am so thankful for that. 

So, today I stop and look for God.  I look for Him in people, I look for Him in experiences, and I take a deep breath while I recognize that my focus needs to change.  My hurt and pain is nothing compared to what some go through.  My reliance on God can't come in waves, it has to be steady.  For He is unchanging, and He is all-knowing.  I don't know why I had to lose my friend.  I am not sure why I can't feel content with singleness, but He meets me in those moments.  He helps me focus up, when my focus can't help but be all around. 

This couple I know....

There's this couple I know... the kind of couple that make you believe in love and marriage, and God.  The kind of couple that you feel like you are privileged just to know because they make it look so easy, and they always seem to have faith no matter the circumstances.  I met this couple when I was teaching in Egypt.  They came in halfway through the year, and they have mentored me throughout the years in a way that I can't even begin to describe.  You see he was 80 when they came to Egypt.  80!  Can you even imagine still serving God so faithfully when you are 80.  That was 14 years ago!  I think about what an amazing life they have lived.  Being overseas for some of it, being in the states for some of it.  Having 4 children, two of which aren't married.  I'm blown away by them.  When I think about love and marriage, and faith in God I feel like they are the example of who I long to be. 


Do you know people like that?  People that make you want to know God more deeply.  People that believe in you so fully, that whenever they talk to you, they are just speaking truth into your life.  They are speaking words straight from God, they can't help but to let you know how much He cares for you. 


Today I am being thankful for people like that in my life.  I may never get to see them on this earth again, but I sure am SO thankful for them.  I'm thankful that they were there for me during a very hard time in my life.  I'm thankful that they never stop praying for me, and encouraging me.  I'm thankful that they have never once made me feel less than because I am not married or have kids.  I'm thankful that I see their love for God in how they love each other.  I am thankful that they are on this earth, and for the lives that God has touched through them.  I'm thankful that they left a mark on my life, and forever changed me. 

Rejection.... when pieces of me come unglued

Sometimes rejection comes in the weirdest of forms.  Most of the time rejection comes from people that we thought would never reject us.  That person that we thought for sure would be there through thick and thin.  Most often we have put them on a pedestal, and never imagined that they would do something that could cause us to see them in anyway but good. 


That's the thing though, rejection comes in like a tornado, and tries to destroy everything in its path.  Rejection makes you second guess who you are, and the potential for who you can be.  Rejection puts blinders on you and forces you to see yourself as this awful human being incapable of being loved. 


We all have been rejected at one time or another.  Each time rejection takes hold of my heart, and shakes it up a bit.  I try to guard against the pieces falling off, but each time I feel like I lose a little piece of me.  I become guarded because I don't want to keep losing pieces or I will have nothing left. 

We can't actually stop rejection.  It is a human feeling, a fallen, broken world issue.  Rejection makes us see things in a new light, and opens us up for pain.  Pain of never being good enough. 

Sometimes though rejection makes us realize what we have.  The rejection of one person forces us to ask ourselves who we have that we know will be there for us no matter what. 

I wrote most of this blog yesterday when I was pretty into my emotions.  I was feeling pretty down about myself, and I honestly was second guessing my worth. 

Today though, through A LOT of prayer.  I feel SO much better.  I can see things a little more clearly.  I don't quite have the same feeling that I am nothing that I was allowing myself to be into, and I am thankful. 

I am thankful for prayer.  I am thankful that prayer allows me to connect with God, look outside of myself and give my feelings over. 

I am sure that there will be moments today when the rejection creeps in.  But in those moments I am able to remember that it is okay that I don't feel enough.  It is okay that I sometimes have to be reminded of how loved I am.  For I am not perfect, and I have a God that meets me in that imperfection. 

Dealing with Loss

Tonight I mourn a friendship that I wish wasn't lost.  Tears continue to stream down my face, as I let my heart feel the loss.  We make choices in life, and some of those choices lead to awful losses.  We don't even realize at the time what kind of risk we are making, until it is too late.  My heart hurts SO bad.  I feel broken, and so hurt by this loss.  I want someone to blame, and as is most cases when some kind of loss happens, I am completely blaming myself.  Wishing that I was a stronger, more perfect person.  I continue to replay my actions in my head, and think if only I had done this, or that, then I wouldn't be heartbroken tonight.  If only I was a better person, or not this or that... then things would be different. 

I long for perfection.  I want to always make the right choices, the ones that are going to glorify God.  I fail a lot, and most of the time the consequences of that failure are very small.  Most of the time those consequences don't affect me too much.  They usually bring me down a peg or two, but then I am back making more mistakes within an hour or two. Not this time.  This time I feel it in my soul.  This time the hurt and pain is almost too much to bear.  For I didn't just lose a friend, I lost a really good friend.  The kind that pushed me to look deeper at myself.  The kind that I know would have been there for me no matter what.  With every loss it takes time to grieve.  It takes time to process, and I have to give myself that time.  I have to allow myself to know that the rejection isn't of God's love.  Rejection of men doesn't make me any less to God... but it sure does hurt.  It sure does make me second guess how I view myself, and my importance to this world. 

I know that I am here for a reason, I know that God's plans are SO much bigger than mine.  I also know that He will use this broken-heart for something wonderful later on.  I also know that He is there in the healing, in the moments when I don't think that I can get through it, or put the broken pieces back together, He grabs a hold of them, and makes them whole again. 

He is faithful, even when I am not.  He loves all of me, even the parts that often choose  things that are going to cause harm instead of good.  He surrounds me with arms that are open, no matter what kind of mess I bring to Him.  But sometimes it is hard to run into those arms when I feel like I just keep failing, and I will never be good enough.  It is SO hard to run into those arms when I feel like I made a mess yet again, by feeling too much. 

It is easier to run away.  All I want to do right now, is back up my bags and get on a plane.  I want to start over somewhere else, and put the hurt and pain away.  I'm really good at leaving.  I'm really good at putting up walls, and not letting anyone in.  When my heart feels broken, I long to go where it can heal.  I know that He will heal in the midst of this pain. 

Loss is a part of life.  Friends come and go.  We just have to remember the mark that they leave on us, and hope that if they leave, that one day they will return and it will be even  better than was before.  But we also take time to grieve, and heal.  For in the healing comes understanding, and change.  It is that change that will create something beautiful in the midst of loss and sadness. 

Lent 2018- Day 7 (When God Says Wait)...

Not too long ago I was praying for something, and I distinctly heard God tell me to wait.  I wasn't really sure what I was waiting for.  I still don't know if I actually know what I am waiting for, but there is something brewing that I think just maybe is what I was supposed to be waiting for. 

During this season of Lent, I am trying really hard to not be on social media as much, and take more time to pray, think and take time for people.  I don't always get it right, and in fact I have failed to love people the way I should this past week.  But I also think that the thing about love is standing up for myself.  In many ways I have only just found my voice in the last couple of years.  I have tried really hard to be a person that loves others, but also has boundaries.  I have also tried really hard to think about how my actions and words will affect others.  We don't always know where people are coming from.  Actually most of the time we don't, so being able to see things from someone's perspective is something that I strive to do, every single time.  There are times though when even when I see something from someone else's perspective it is okay for me to just let them go. 

As I wait for God to clearly answer me in this one area, I have to think through this past year.  There has been so much that has happened.  Last year at this time I was applying for every job I could come across in the United States, and actually even a few countries.  I had no idea where I was going to go next, and what I would be doing.  I was hoping for a camp job.

There was a lot of waiting, and contemplating.  There was a lot of thinking through things, and praying.  Ultimately God gave me a job that isn't my forever job, but it is what I need for now.  He put people in the place of work that I needed.  He allowed me to be able to find my worth again. 

When I see exactly where I am right now, it makes it easier during this "waiting" time yet again.  Although this time the wait is for a different reason, I know that He is faithful.  I am not sure if the wait will result in what I hope it to, but I know that whatever the answer, it will be good. 

So I wait.  I wait for the resurrection of my King.  I wait for my Savior to come back, and I wait for God to answer my prayers about some things. 

I don't lose hope, although sometimes it is tempting to lose it, and wish that I could know how His plan would unfold.  But that would take all the fun out of the wait, right? 

Lent 2018- Day 3

"a reminder that some of us beautiful, broken, redeemable humans still act like our own belonging isn't complete until we've made belonging difficult for someone else."  -Gareth Higgins

"Maybe the best way to oppose a bad thing is just to do something better."  -Gareth Higgins



Today I wake up early to go spend some time with good friends.  I am caught up in the words from Gareth.  Sometimes we as humans are awful.  What in us tries to make others feel like they don't belong.  We go out of our way to use harsh words, to gossip about each other, and to genuinely make others feel excluded.  I spend some time watching The Real Housewives of Orange County, and I am always amazed by the awfulness that makes that show.  The potrayal of the human condition is so evident in that show again and again.  The backstabbing, the gossiping, the only being out for your own good, putting yourself first.  It is also a reminder to me of how money doesn't bring happiness. 

Maybe for today my focus isn't on all the ways that I see people being excluded.  Maybe my focus for today is on just doing small things to make them feel included.  My love for today, my part of lent is including those that I find it hard to engage with. 

That's what I am called to.  I am called to make this world better, to be love, and to touch the  lives that I encounter. 

Lent 2018- Day 2

Today my focus is on the Lent Devotion that I get sent to my inbox.  If you are wanting something that makes you a better peacemaker, then search out this link:

http://www.michaelmcray.com/


As I read today's reader I just couldn't help, but be overwhelmed by the questions asked and the thoughts processed.  So I am going to do a little journal/blogging on here today:

• What is your work of peacemaking? What struggles with the work are you bringing into the season of Lent?

I am just in the beginning stages of this work. I don't even know what my role truly is, I just know that it is necessary.  I know that I need to help this world, my country be a more peaceful place.  I think my first steps are to listen to people's stories.  To put my whole heart into understanding where each individual comes from, and what they are bringing in their communication, their daily interactions, and the triggers that they have.  My goal is to help people feel loved and valued.  I truly believe that if everyone felt loved and valued, this world would be a more peaceful place.  

• What is the state of your mind? What questions and thoughts are prominent, what is preoccupying you?

I feel like I am wrestling with this misunderstanding of people that believe it is okay to hurt others.  I don't understand why we can't be loving and kind.  Why do we have to judge, and try to force our ideas on others?  Why do we have to tell people what they should value, what they should believe?  Why do we as Americans think we are better than everyone else?  That wasn't Jesus' story, was it?  He didn't walk around with this arrogance, and condemnation did he?  He was there for the poor, the outcasts.  He was there for those that had no voice.  Why do we insist on stomping on those that we don't see as "fitting in" to the Christian mold we have created?  Why?  

• How is your heart? Open or closed? What feelings are strong in you today?

I feel like my heart is open.  Open to helping those around me, to feeling their pain and suffering.  Today I feel sad and filled with grief for the violence, and judgment going on in our world.  I want it to end, I want to be able to stop it.  How do I do this?  How am I able to not feel defeated the minute I turn on the news?  

• What is the prayer of your spirit?

My prayer is for those that are hurting today.  Those that are unsure of their future, caught in violence, and injustice.  Those that have no food or safe place to sleep at night.  Oh Lord, I long for this to change.  I long for your people to provide for those that are hurting.  No matter what it takes, no matter how much we have to sacrifice.  I long for this world to be a world of peace.  I pray for peace, and love to surround those that are deeply hurt, afraid, and in danger.  Protect your people, provide peace.  

• What is the word of God to you today? What is the still small voice speaking?

He hears my prayers, and He knows the needs around the world.  I believe that He is listening, and urging His people to stand up for injustice.  He continues to provide, and move in ways in me that I didn't know were in me.  I can hear him giving me strength.  He wants His people to stand up for love and truth.  To sacrifice, to give whatever it takes, to provide for those that don't have.