There was no music playing in my head, or words that came to mind as I drove the 2.5 hours that it took to get to my destination, except that the next 8 days were going to have to change my life. What I didn't know on that drive, but I would soon found out was that completely removing myself from all outside influences created something in me that I had never felt before. The next 8 days would literally transform the way I viewed my present, past, and the way I see my future. Join me, on the journey.
Isn't it true that we are so bombarded with information on a daily basis that we lose sight of who we are? I think some people are able to balance the information that they give themselves, and the information that they allow others to give them, and how it affects their very soul. They don't get stuck on putting their value and worth in what others say because they don't need to. Some of us though, I feel like the sensitive souls of the world, we take things to heart. Maybe too much so. Nevertheless I had found myself in a place of hurt, pain, anger, sadness, and wanting to make my heart a little more hard, and a little less vulnerable.
When you take away all forms of communication with the outside world, do you know what you get? God. He smacks himself right down in the middle of your thoughts, in the middle of your distractions, and says, "Here I am, are you sure you want to hear what I have to say?"
Ofcourse I do, God. Ofcourse. But the more aware I got of God's voice, the more aware I was that some things He was telling me, or leading me to were not going to be what I wanted. In fact they were going to be hard, they were going to be letting go of some pretty big baggage, and they were going to have to truly be dealt with before growth could take place.
So I started praying, and journaling. Sometimes I think we put too much thought into praying having to be a certain way, or done at a certain time. When really all it is, well it is talking to him. In my case writing to Him because I am just a much better written communicator. I can write a million times better with my feelings then I can when I looking you face to face. It is a gift in many ways, and not in others. So in my journaling I am finding myself praying, Adoring...Thanking, Confessing, and Supplication. I have been praying this way since college. I can't even remember what Bible study first drew me to this act of prayerful worship, but I have literally used it ever since.
You know what I realized.....I had an issue with pride. My insecurities, my inability to see my worth. It actually wasn't about being unworthy. It was about being prideful in my unworthiness. Using my insecurities to create this need for me to play the victim, or feel less than someone else. When that is really not at all what it means to humble ourselves and pray, is it? It doesn't mean that I come before Him feeling like nothing. It doesn't mean that I allow my story to be that I am nothing. Humbling myself means that I see the awe of who God is. That I recognize just how much greater He is than me. That it is without a doubt amazing that He wants to listen to me, recognize me, and answer me. That's what my issue with pride was/is. Not that I don't see my sin and things I need to work on, because I do. But almost that I had forgotten to revere God. I had forgotten that He is to be lifted high, to be worshiped, adored and praised. How had I forgotten that? Isn't that supposed to be the ONE thing that we get right? The ONE thing that I as a believer understand to be true? But for some reason it had been lost in between the comings and goings, the emotional conversations, and broken relationships, somehow I had lost the truth that God is above all and in control of all, yet He still listens and understands me. I had forgotten how to understand the balance between reverence and love.
That led me to grasp the fact that because I had lost my reverence for God, prayer to Him has been fleeting and at times almost non-existent. Sure I will go stints where I journal, then I will lose touch or find something else to occupy my time, like Netflix or film festivals. Literally anything else that helps to distract me from the reality that I am not giving Him my full attention, that He is not my first love. I came to understand this a little more deeply on a walk I took my first evening. The trails were awesome, completely perfect for a solitude retreat. Not too much ruggedness, but just enough so that you had to actually watch where you were going. The minute I stepped onto the trail I kept running in to cobwebs. Literally every 2 feet I felt like my face would plant itself into another one. Ugh. It was utterly disgusting! Yet I just had to keep going. But now I realize that I was focusing more on not running into the cobwebs, and getting the ones that were already stuck on me off, then I was in actually focusing on the reason I had taken the walk in the first place. Finally....I found it! A stick that would be perfect. I would sweep the stick through the path before I walked. Yay! Relief at last.
Here's the connection. The path is my life. I walk it everyday, things happen along my life that are hard, messy, and distracting. A lot like the cobwebs. I get caught up in those things. I let them run my life, I let them change my mood, I even sometimes let them keep me from giving my everything to a person or cause. But the stick, that is prayer. You know what happens when you pray? When you pray without ceasing? It clears the cobwebs away. It makes the path more clear. It doesn't take them away completely, they are still there, but it makes the walk easier, and you are free to focus on the steps you have to take, instead of pulling the problems off of you as you go. It allows something else to be in control. It struck me that for quite a while now I have been living my life pulling the cobwebs off as I go. I have not been fervently on my knees praying for what I want in life. Maybe I had thought that God stopped listening to me, maybe I thought my requests were too silly, or maybe I just didn't feel like making the time to ask. What I realized is that all of those excuses have created chaos inside of my heart and life. Praying is what clears the cobwebs, prayer is what keeps us going.
The more you focus on prayer, the more God speaks to you. In 8 days I heard more from God, then I have heard for the past 5. I became vulnerable before Him. I talked to Him constantly, understanding Him, revering Him, and knowing Him more. God became my first love again, and I wondered why I had ever walked away.
The thing is that I know why in some ways. I know the minute I started choosing to distance myself from God. It was the minute I decided that I knew what I needed more than He did. The minute I decided that if He wasn't going to answer my prayers, I was just going to do things on my own. That it didn't matter who I dated, what I did in my spare time, or if I even acknowledged Him, because He wasn't doing what I needed Him to do. He was failing me and I was tired of it.
At the time I didn't know that this is what I was thinking and feeling. I am not even sure up until last week I had any idea that I had actually pushed myself away from God. But I know that in the midst of my solitude I figured out that the reason I felt so lousy about who I am, isn't because of my sin, or my insecurities...really it was because I had stopped finding my worth in Him. I had started to listen to all those little lies and stories that I make up as I go through my day. Stories that have nothing to do with worth, and everything to do with rejection and pain. Stories that would make your heart bleed if I told you some of the lies I was allowing myself to believe. I think it is so easy to get caught up in those stories. I think that we have a continuous dialogue going on inside our heads and hearts that bring up all of those past mistakes and sins that cause us to doubt that there is even a loving creator. Because you see, if you push yourself away from people, eventually they will give up and walk away.
Haven't we all done that at one time or another? Haven't we been pushed so far away, that we just don't feel like making the effort to keep trying. But guess what? God never tires of trying. He just doesn't. He is a God of love, grace, and mercy. He is a God of redemption, and so many different ways of loving us back to Him that we can't even comprehend all of the ways that He will lead us to His gracious arms. So in pushing God away, I really wasn't doing anything, but allowing Him to show His love in an even greater way.
Because our God, He isn't in the giving up business. He loves His people. He cares for them, and He chases after them. Because although He is a God to be revered, and put on a pedestal, He is also a God that meets us exactly where we need Him to, and listens to us with open ears. He also, believe it or not answers us, always.
That's the part I have the hardest time with. The fact that He ALWAYS listens and He ALWAYS answers. My doubt causes me to not expect Him to answer. My human mind cannot grasp how He hears and answers everyone's needs everywhere. I don't get it. Because I myself do a lousy job of it. I tell people I will pray for them, and then I go to bed without even bowing my head. I ask people if there is anything that I can do to help them, and then I am too busy to be there when they need me. I tell someone that I want to talk to them, and then I don't answer the phone when they call. These are all my human flaws. Things that I do because I am not perfect, and I do not do things the way a perfect God does. I can't place my human flaws on a flawless God. It doesn't work that way. He is bigger than that. He is everything I am not and more.
I have tried to put into words some of what I have felt, and thought through my 8 days away from people. I think in some ways I have captured it beautifully, and in others I haven't captured it enough. But I will say that I think there is so much to be said about getting away from the world, picking up the Bible and a few books and relearning who we are in Christ, what we believe to be true, and how we can live in the world as an awe-inspired worthy because of Jesus human being. So, if you need a place to go for 8 days or more, or less of solitude...let me know! A lot of my prayer journey took place journaling, but there were two books that were phenomenal for me:
Prayer by Timothy Keller and
War Room, The Battle Plan for Prayer by Stephen Kendrick and Alex Kendrick
Meanwhile here are my take-aways, and some quotes from the books I read....
#1 God can do anything...prayer does work!
#2 God needs to be my first love, prayer with Him my top priority.
#3 I can no longer try to live in the world, but not in the world. I have to cope with pain and loss from a God-perspective, not a world-perspective.
#4 Being authentic, sometimes means loss.
#5 My focus should be on God. I can no longer live for pleasing others, and all the agendas and deadlines that have nothing to do with Him.
#6 In every situation/circumstance, I need to go to God first!
#7 When I don't pray, life gets way more complicated than it needs to be. Prayer is vital to my story!
#8 Set goals, live by them. (prayer, exercise, business, God's people, no pride)
#9 It matters that I love well.
#10 Don't neglect people, or leave them behind. Meet them where they are.
#11 God brings unexpected things to our path, so that we learn to rely on Him and trust Him more.
#12 Being vulnerable, and authentic is worth every amount of hurt and pain, because it brings so much more growth and love.
#13 Failure isn't the worst thing I can do, not growing from failure is the worst thing.
#14 Everyone is truly doing the best they can. (Rising Strong, by Brene Brown)
Some of the books and quotes from my 8 days....
Rising Strong by Brene Brown
"When we own our stories, we avoid being trapped as characters in stories someone else is telling."
"The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, But our wholeness even our wholeheartedness actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences including the falls."
"Choosing to write our own story means getting uncomfortable, it's choosing courage over comfort."
"And just so we don't miss it in this long list of all the ways we can numb ourselves, there's always staying busy, living so hard and fast that the truths of our lives can't catch up with us."
"When we decide to own our stories and live our truth; we bring our light to the darkness."
"We make up hidden stories that tell us who is against us and who is with us. Whom we can trust and who is not to be trusted. Conspiracy thinking is all about fear based self-protection and our intolerance for uncertainty."
There are so many more! Love this book!
What I wrote in my journal during my reading of this book...
There will be times when I feel left out, someone chooses someone else over me, they think I am too much emotionally or otherwise. In those moments I choose to still be vulnerable, raw, and authentic. In those moments I choose the hurt and pain over pride, and I love anyways. I give anyways. That is Rising Strong to me.
The Boys in the Boat by Daniel James Brown
"What mattered more than how hard a man rowed was how well everything he did in the boat harmonized with what the other fellows were doing. And a man couldn't harmonize with his crewmates unless he opened his heart to them. He had to care about his crew. It wasn't just the rowing but his crewmates that he had to give himself up to, even if it meant getting his feelings hurt."
"There was a straightforward reason for what was happening. The boys in the Clipper had been winnowed down by punishing competition, and in the winnowing a kind of common character had issued forth, they were all skilled, they were all tough, there were all fiercely determined, but they were also good-hearted. Every one of them had come from humble origins or been humbled by the ravages of the hard times in which they had grown up. Each in his own way, they had all learned that nothing could be taken for granted in life, that for all their strength and good looks, and youth, forces were at work in the world that were greater than they. The challenges they had faced together taught them humility- the need to subsume their individual egos for the sake of the boat as a whole- and humility was the common gateway through which they were able to now come together and begin to do what they had not been able to do before."
This book taught me so much about strength, perseverance, but mostly community and love.
The End of Your Life Book Club by Will Schwalbe
"And yet we constantly interrupt ourselves. We do it when we check our emails incessantly- or won't simply let a phone go to voicemail when we're doing something we enjoy- or when we don't think a thought through, but allow our minds to fix on temporary concerns or desires."
"But modern life itself is an interruption machine: phone calls, emails, texts, news, television, and our own restless minds. The greatest gifts you can give anyone is your undivided attention, yet I'd been constantly dividing mine. No one was getting it, not even me."
"She felt whatever emotions she felt, but feelings was never a useful substitute for doing, and she never let the former get int he way of the latter. If anything she used her emotions to motivate her and help her concentrate. The emphasis for her was always on doing what needed to be done."
This book took me through my whole array of emotions, and led me to a deeper desire to complete all that has been given for me to do. To fulfill my deepest heart desires. But to also get away from my phone a lot more!
There is so much more in my heart to say, yet I feel it is time to close. 8 days away from the world, sure can do wonders. But the thing is that really a lifetime with a Savior, can change things too.
My last quote....
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -C.S. Lewis
So I say that the greatest take away I have is to love. To love through the messy, broken, crazy world that we live in. To keep loving despite all the wretched things that we encounter, because one day you will realize that all the love you have been giving....it brings you greater joy and satisfaction than anything else that you could imagine.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
Thursday, July 14, 2016
Why I need to Unplug...
The past month has been pretty rough, emotionally and even physically. There have been many changes in my life. Some of them for the good, and others for growth and stretching of my faith. Sometimes when I think back to this month I can't even wrap my mind around everything that has happened. In the blink of an eye one of my friendships completely changed. In the blink of an eye I watched a friend lose a family member. In the blink of an eye I watched another friend's life change. In the blink of an eye I witnessed what true verbal abuse, and hatred can be. In another blink of an eye I realized how fragile health and life is. In another blink of an eye I saw what prejudice, and racism can do to our communities.
These things were rough. They made me question myself, question my God, and question my role in my community. They made me an emotional wreck. Mostly because watching people that I love get hurt, or choose to walk away pretty much breaks my heart. I can't actually change anyone. I can't make someone want to be around me or understand how I feel. I can't take away the pain from someone else, or help them make better choices. I can't control anything, sometimes I don't even feel like I can control myself.
I feel trapped in the chaotic world that we live in most of the time. I feel judged most of the time. Because my opinion or my feelings aren't understood by others, and so that means that people feel the need to judge me. I feel trapped in the world of constant information. I am bombarded on a daily basis with news feeds from over 5 social media apps. They are all screaming, "Look at me, follow me, see what this person has to say today." With each of those apps I find that I lose a little more of who I am, a little more of what I know to be true about myself, and my focus becomes less on God and more on living up to the standards that others have for me.
So, I find myself in a place where I have to find that voice inside of me again. I have to still the images, and voices that are screaming for my attention. I have to take myself out of the social media world, and just be silent and still. I have to take time to just be. For it is in the moments of silence and rest, I am going to find the truth of who I am. The truth of who I was created to be, and the truth of what changes I need to make in my life in order to be the best version of myself I can be!
I wish that hurt, pain, sickness, and sorrow weren't a part of this world. I wish that broken friendships and relationships weren't a part of this world. I wish that we could always tell people exactly how we are feeling, and they would feel exactly the same way, or they at least would understand. I wish that we would only have strong feelings for those who feel them back.
Mostly though I wish that people weren't just in our life for seasons. I hate it, I hate it with every fiber of my being. I wish that we could just always work through the messiness of the broken people we are, and understand each other. I wish we didn't have to try to prove anything to others. I wish that we didn't have to put these people above other people because to the world they are more popular, prettier, or wealthier. I wish that we could for once truly just look inside of people's hearts, and see who they really are.
These are the things I wish. These are the reasons I need to unplug, to work through these things. I want to see people with love-colored glasses. I want to see people with the forgiveness that Jesus does. But how do I do that in a broken-fallen world? How do I do that when people are going to fail right and left, when I am going to fail right and left? How do I stay humble, and kind yet not back down when someone needs truth in love? How do I grasp how fragile life is, when I feel like I can't wrap my mind around it? How do I not take health, and people for granted? How do I live a life that is full of love, when sometimes all I want to do is tell someone exactly what they are doing wrong? How do I plant myself in community, when all I want to do is run away because it is a lot less hurtful that way?
These are my questions....these are good enough reasons to unplug and focus on Him.
These things were rough. They made me question myself, question my God, and question my role in my community. They made me an emotional wreck. Mostly because watching people that I love get hurt, or choose to walk away pretty much breaks my heart. I can't actually change anyone. I can't make someone want to be around me or understand how I feel. I can't take away the pain from someone else, or help them make better choices. I can't control anything, sometimes I don't even feel like I can control myself.
I feel trapped in the chaotic world that we live in most of the time. I feel judged most of the time. Because my opinion or my feelings aren't understood by others, and so that means that people feel the need to judge me. I feel trapped in the world of constant information. I am bombarded on a daily basis with news feeds from over 5 social media apps. They are all screaming, "Look at me, follow me, see what this person has to say today." With each of those apps I find that I lose a little more of who I am, a little more of what I know to be true about myself, and my focus becomes less on God and more on living up to the standards that others have for me.
So, I find myself in a place where I have to find that voice inside of me again. I have to still the images, and voices that are screaming for my attention. I have to take myself out of the social media world, and just be silent and still. I have to take time to just be. For it is in the moments of silence and rest, I am going to find the truth of who I am. The truth of who I was created to be, and the truth of what changes I need to make in my life in order to be the best version of myself I can be!
I wish that hurt, pain, sickness, and sorrow weren't a part of this world. I wish that broken friendships and relationships weren't a part of this world. I wish that we could always tell people exactly how we are feeling, and they would feel exactly the same way, or they at least would understand. I wish that we would only have strong feelings for those who feel them back.
Mostly though I wish that people weren't just in our life for seasons. I hate it, I hate it with every fiber of my being. I wish that we could just always work through the messiness of the broken people we are, and understand each other. I wish we didn't have to try to prove anything to others. I wish that we didn't have to put these people above other people because to the world they are more popular, prettier, or wealthier. I wish that we could for once truly just look inside of people's hearts, and see who they really are.
These are the things I wish. These are the reasons I need to unplug, to work through these things. I want to see people with love-colored glasses. I want to see people with the forgiveness that Jesus does. But how do I do that in a broken-fallen world? How do I do that when people are going to fail right and left, when I am going to fail right and left? How do I stay humble, and kind yet not back down when someone needs truth in love? How do I grasp how fragile life is, when I feel like I can't wrap my mind around it? How do I not take health, and people for granted? How do I live a life that is full of love, when sometimes all I want to do is tell someone exactly what they are doing wrong? How do I plant myself in community, when all I want to do is run away because it is a lot less hurtful that way?
These are my questions....these are good enough reasons to unplug and focus on Him.
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Loving with Boundaries...
Today as I listened to the sermon I sat in church pondering the events that have transpired in my life over the past couple of weeks. It is still really hard for me to know what it means to love people where they are, without letting them completely destroy me.
Even though I think we are totally called to love others, no matter what, I do think that we are also called to set boundaries. We are called to not let people walk all over us. We are called to not allow toxic, or just plain mean people to change who we are, and what we are about.
I spend a lot of my days wondering what people think and allowing people to do things even when I don't like them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings, or I think that they will leave me if they know the truth behind who I am and what I'm about. I have spent many days of my life hiding behind this mask, because my sensitive heart gets hurt more easily then some, and I am looked down on because of it.
The past week has shown me that I can love and still have boundaries. I can love, and still give of my heart without it being hardened. I would much rather have a soft, sensitive heart, then be hardened by the world, and evil in it.
I don't always understand choices that people make. I get left out of a lot of things, but at the end of the day all that matters is that I choose love. I will never be the girl that dances with every guy on the dance floor. I will never be the girl that can step up to a table full of people I don't know and have instant connection. That isn't who I am. My acceptance and trust comes with time, conversation, and grace.
I've had to examine myself in the last week, and ask myself if I have made the right choices by putting up the boundaries that I have. In the end I have to know that I did the right thing. In the end I have to live life to its fullest. I may not always love completely and in the right way, but I do love. I put others first, and I try my very best not to judge.
One thing I think that I have learned is that love means no expectations. I wish that I felt differently but the truth is that I think my disappointment comes from expecting too much from people. Expecting them to understand where I am coming from. Expecting them to not leave me out of things. Expecting them to want to love me for who I authentically am, instead of who they would like for me to be.
So, can I love with boundaries but not expectations? I honestly don't know. Weren't we created for expectation? But if we will always fail at those expectations, then what is the point of putting them on each other? Weren't we created for boundaries? Isn't that how we let someone know that they have hurt us? Without boundaries people can't break down the walls that have been created, can they?
In a perfect world we wouldn't need either of these things. We would just treat people with love and respect and there would be no room for hurt or betrayal. We wouldn't choose one person over another just because they have a more beautiful face, or they can satisfy a temporary need. We wouldn't have to give up one friendship in order to gain another.
The world isn't perfect, it is messy and hard. Because of that imperfection we have to figure out how to love with boundaries and expectations...don't we?
Even though I think we are totally called to love others, no matter what, I do think that we are also called to set boundaries. We are called to not let people walk all over us. We are called to not allow toxic, or just plain mean people to change who we are, and what we are about.
I spend a lot of my days wondering what people think and allowing people to do things even when I don't like them, because I don't want to hurt their feelings, or I think that they will leave me if they know the truth behind who I am and what I'm about. I have spent many days of my life hiding behind this mask, because my sensitive heart gets hurt more easily then some, and I am looked down on because of it.
The past week has shown me that I can love and still have boundaries. I can love, and still give of my heart without it being hardened. I would much rather have a soft, sensitive heart, then be hardened by the world, and evil in it.
I don't always understand choices that people make. I get left out of a lot of things, but at the end of the day all that matters is that I choose love. I will never be the girl that dances with every guy on the dance floor. I will never be the girl that can step up to a table full of people I don't know and have instant connection. That isn't who I am. My acceptance and trust comes with time, conversation, and grace.
I've had to examine myself in the last week, and ask myself if I have made the right choices by putting up the boundaries that I have. In the end I have to know that I did the right thing. In the end I have to live life to its fullest. I may not always love completely and in the right way, but I do love. I put others first, and I try my very best not to judge.
One thing I think that I have learned is that love means no expectations. I wish that I felt differently but the truth is that I think my disappointment comes from expecting too much from people. Expecting them to understand where I am coming from. Expecting them to not leave me out of things. Expecting them to want to love me for who I authentically am, instead of who they would like for me to be.
So, can I love with boundaries but not expectations? I honestly don't know. Weren't we created for expectation? But if we will always fail at those expectations, then what is the point of putting them on each other? Weren't we created for boundaries? Isn't that how we let someone know that they have hurt us? Without boundaries people can't break down the walls that have been created, can they?
In a perfect world we wouldn't need either of these things. We would just treat people with love and respect and there would be no room for hurt or betrayal. We wouldn't choose one person over another just because they have a more beautiful face, or they can satisfy a temporary need. We wouldn't have to give up one friendship in order to gain another.
The world isn't perfect, it is messy and hard. Because of that imperfection we have to figure out how to love with boundaries and expectations...don't we?
Monday, June 13, 2016
Revisiting 2016 Resolutions.....6 months in....
Original Resolution Post
I am a few days early in making my 2016 resolution post, but I want to do it while my thoughts about 2016 are fresh in my mind. I really love making New Year resolutions, it is the following through with them that I am not so great at. So, this year my top resolution is to follow through with my resolutions!
I have three key words for this year: Intentional....Grateful....Authentic
I think authentic is just actually going to be my life word, but I want it to be part of who I am in everything. I haven't reached it yet, so I still have to make it part of my resolutions.
Intentional...
I want to be intentional in every single relationship I have. That means that I want to make time to hear what people are really saying. Spend quality time with them, and not just a hello here or there. I want to foster those friendships that are one-of-a-kind. I want to make deep and lasting friendships that are going to be around for awhile, and be able to make it through all the ups and downs life has to offer us. Mostly though this year I am going to be intentional with my family. I feel like they kind of get the back burner sometimes because I know that they will always be there, but we don't know what tomorrow holds. I want to make memories today. I want to get to know who they are on a deeper level. I want to intentionally spent time loving the people I am with.
Grateful...
Sometimes I get lost in wanting what others have. I get lost in wanting a husband/family of my own and that sometimes forces me to lose sight of the things that I do have that others don't. In 2016 I want to be grateful for what I have. I want to be grateful for my singleness and live it out in a way that I never have before. I want to be grateful for my friends, family, community. I want to look at everyday in a positive way and open my eyes up to all that I am blessed with. I don't want to take God's mercy for granted. I want to wake up every morning feeling blessed and living out that feeling.
Authentic...
I continue to try to live an authentic life. I continue to try to be the real me no matter who I am around, and no matter what the subject is. I feel like it is a process, and will continue to be a process as long as I live. But this year I am focusing once again on being authentic. I don't want to hide behind anything. I want to be real when I am feeling lousy. I want to be real when I have something to celebrate. I want to be authentic in conversations and not hide behind the mask or wall I so often put up.
I am excited about what God has brought me this year to focus on in 2016.
"Do not fear for I am with you: Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (or cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7
So I look to 2016, that it will be a year when I embrace where I am, who I am with, and the life that I am living as a single 34 year old female. I will live my life with love, intention, gratefulness, and authenticity. I will work to build His kingdom through His mercy and grace.
I always think it is good to go back and look at things that we have written in the past, especially when those things are supposed to be our resolutions!!!
I'm not real sure that I have done a terrific job of embracing these three things. So.....
Here I go again.....the next 6 months....
Authenticity, Gratefulness, and Intentionality....
I am a few days early in making my 2016 resolution post, but I want to do it while my thoughts about 2016 are fresh in my mind. I really love making New Year resolutions, it is the following through with them that I am not so great at. So, this year my top resolution is to follow through with my resolutions!
I have three key words for this year: Intentional....Grateful....Authentic
I think authentic is just actually going to be my life word, but I want it to be part of who I am in everything. I haven't reached it yet, so I still have to make it part of my resolutions.
Intentional...
I want to be intentional in every single relationship I have. That means that I want to make time to hear what people are really saying. Spend quality time with them, and not just a hello here or there. I want to foster those friendships that are one-of-a-kind. I want to make deep and lasting friendships that are going to be around for awhile, and be able to make it through all the ups and downs life has to offer us. Mostly though this year I am going to be intentional with my family. I feel like they kind of get the back burner sometimes because I know that they will always be there, but we don't know what tomorrow holds. I want to make memories today. I want to get to know who they are on a deeper level. I want to intentionally spent time loving the people I am with.
Grateful...
Sometimes I get lost in wanting what others have. I get lost in wanting a husband/family of my own and that sometimes forces me to lose sight of the things that I do have that others don't. In 2016 I want to be grateful for what I have. I want to be grateful for my singleness and live it out in a way that I never have before. I want to be grateful for my friends, family, community. I want to look at everyday in a positive way and open my eyes up to all that I am blessed with. I don't want to take God's mercy for granted. I want to wake up every morning feeling blessed and living out that feeling.
Authentic...
I continue to try to live an authentic life. I continue to try to be the real me no matter who I am around, and no matter what the subject is. I feel like it is a process, and will continue to be a process as long as I live. But this year I am focusing once again on being authentic. I don't want to hide behind anything. I want to be real when I am feeling lousy. I want to be real when I have something to celebrate. I want to be authentic in conversations and not hide behind the mask or wall I so often put up.
I am excited about what God has brought me this year to focus on in 2016.
"Do not fear for I am with you: Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (or cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7
So I look to 2016, that it will be a year when I embrace where I am, who I am with, and the life that I am living as a single 34 year old female. I will live my life with love, intention, gratefulness, and authenticity. I will work to build His kingdom through His mercy and grace.
I always think it is good to go back and look at things that we have written in the past, especially when those things are supposed to be our resolutions!!!
I'm not real sure that I have done a terrific job of embracing these three things. So.....
Here I go again.....the next 6 months....
Authenticity, Gratefulness, and Intentionality....
A Less Busy Life...
This past Sunday's sermon was pretty much spot on with what God has been telling me here lately. I have found myself consumed with being too busy for people, and time with Him. It makes me sad, but not sad enough to do anything about it. That is...until Saturday night at 3:00 am. I had been planning a vacation for awhile. I am actually takinh a week off in July, and at first was pretty much set on going to California to visit friends. But a $500 plane ticket isn't exactly what I had in mind, plus the cost of housing, plus I would be trying to visit everyone and their mom and I just don't know that it is the best use of my time after the craziness that this summer has already been.
So I went through about 8 million (okay a bit of an exaggeration) scenarios, before I realized that maybe right now what I need to do is make God my priority. Maybe what I need to do is spend time in prayer with Him. Away from social media, away from Netflix, away from all the things that so often distract me from where my focus needs to be.
Life for me has become about doing everything for everyone all of the time. Life for me has become about doing my best all of the time, about running myself ragged trying to say yes to everything that is asked of me...and frankly it is freaking exhausting. I can't keep going at this rate. I don't need to keep going at this rate.
I don't have to say yes to everything. Even the things that I say yes to do not have to be completed perfectly without any flaws. Because really it isn't about me getting everything right, and doing everything that I can do to be someone important. It isn't about proving myself worthy. Because I don't need to prove myself worthy. I don't need to prove that I have a role in this world. I don't need to prove.
Yet, I am always trying to prove. I am always trying to make a difference but not for the right reasons.
I am addicted to the Kingdom of Noise. Trying to accomplish everything in the world myself. Trying to make everything the way I think it should be. Doing things my way Filling up my calendar with people, Bible Studies, volunteering, coffee dates. They all look like great, stellar things. They all seem like things that would bring me closer to God. Really though, none of it brings me closer to Him, because it all is representing the wedge that I am allowing to be driven between.
It is easier to stay busy, than to stop and ask Him what I should be doing differently in my life. It is easier to stay busy than to work on changing the things that I know are keeping me from love. It is easier to check FB than to sit down and pray. To communicate with the all-knowing God of the universe...it is not quite as entertaining as the banter back and forth about the presidential candidates.
My life has in many ways become my idol. I am not often still before God, because I have allowed myself to become accustomed to constant activity and distraction.
Is that really the kind of life I want to live? Do I really want to wait till the end of the day before offering up my praise, and requests to Him? Do I really want to only think of Him when it is convenient for me, or when I have nothing else to read or entertain me?
What kind of life would I be living, if that was all that I thought of the one who Created me?
I had someone look me in the eyes last week and say..."There is no way you can help other people, if you are not filled up yourself."
It's so true, isn't it? How do we expect to keep giving of ourselves without being full? How do we expect to make a difference in this world, if we are trying to do it on our own, in our own way?
I constantly find myself fighting the noise in my life. I constantly find myself wanting to take moments to hear nothing, to be nothing, to just listen and understand all there is to get from silence. That's not what my culture values though. That is not even what a lot of churches value. We value keeping our lives and our kids lives so busy that there is not time to just be. There is no time to connect as a family. There is no time to pray.
How many of us have said those words, "I'll pray for you." Then....we don't. Why? Because we get so wrapped up in the go, go, going of life that communicating with God about someone else is the lowest on our checklist of things to get done in a day.
I can't be this busy. I can't be too busy for people, for prayer, for communication with my Creator. Because if I continue to let the Kingdom of Noise have the throne, there will be nothing left in me but selfishness, anger, and fear. There will be nothing left, but all the things that I don't want to be.
My life has to change. I have to pass by the illusion that the "stuff" I am doing is the most important. I have to realign myself with the truth that His Kingdom is the only one that matters. My busy life does nothing to point others to love. My busy life only causes others to think they don't matter.
In the next week or two I will take a step back, and make more time to pray. I will because it is one of the greatest things in life I can do. In fact it might be the greatest thing in life I can do.
Solitude and prayer....what could happen to change this world if we all took more time for solitude and prayer???
So I went through about 8 million (okay a bit of an exaggeration) scenarios, before I realized that maybe right now what I need to do is make God my priority. Maybe what I need to do is spend time in prayer with Him. Away from social media, away from Netflix, away from all the things that so often distract me from where my focus needs to be.
Life for me has become about doing everything for everyone all of the time. Life for me has become about doing my best all of the time, about running myself ragged trying to say yes to everything that is asked of me...and frankly it is freaking exhausting. I can't keep going at this rate. I don't need to keep going at this rate.
I don't have to say yes to everything. Even the things that I say yes to do not have to be completed perfectly without any flaws. Because really it isn't about me getting everything right, and doing everything that I can do to be someone important. It isn't about proving myself worthy. Because I don't need to prove myself worthy. I don't need to prove that I have a role in this world. I don't need to prove.
Yet, I am always trying to prove. I am always trying to make a difference but not for the right reasons.
I am addicted to the Kingdom of Noise. Trying to accomplish everything in the world myself. Trying to make everything the way I think it should be. Doing things my way Filling up my calendar with people, Bible Studies, volunteering, coffee dates. They all look like great, stellar things. They all seem like things that would bring me closer to God. Really though, none of it brings me closer to Him, because it all is representing the wedge that I am allowing to be driven between.
It is easier to stay busy, than to stop and ask Him what I should be doing differently in my life. It is easier to stay busy than to work on changing the things that I know are keeping me from love. It is easier to check FB than to sit down and pray. To communicate with the all-knowing God of the universe...it is not quite as entertaining as the banter back and forth about the presidential candidates.
My life has in many ways become my idol. I am not often still before God, because I have allowed myself to become accustomed to constant activity and distraction.
Is that really the kind of life I want to live? Do I really want to wait till the end of the day before offering up my praise, and requests to Him? Do I really want to only think of Him when it is convenient for me, or when I have nothing else to read or entertain me?
What kind of life would I be living, if that was all that I thought of the one who Created me?
I had someone look me in the eyes last week and say..."There is no way you can help other people, if you are not filled up yourself."
It's so true, isn't it? How do we expect to keep giving of ourselves without being full? How do we expect to make a difference in this world, if we are trying to do it on our own, in our own way?
I constantly find myself fighting the noise in my life. I constantly find myself wanting to take moments to hear nothing, to be nothing, to just listen and understand all there is to get from silence. That's not what my culture values though. That is not even what a lot of churches value. We value keeping our lives and our kids lives so busy that there is not time to just be. There is no time to connect as a family. There is no time to pray.
How many of us have said those words, "I'll pray for you." Then....we don't. Why? Because we get so wrapped up in the go, go, going of life that communicating with God about someone else is the lowest on our checklist of things to get done in a day.
I can't be this busy. I can't be too busy for people, for prayer, for communication with my Creator. Because if I continue to let the Kingdom of Noise have the throne, there will be nothing left in me but selfishness, anger, and fear. There will be nothing left, but all the things that I don't want to be.
My life has to change. I have to pass by the illusion that the "stuff" I am doing is the most important. I have to realign myself with the truth that His Kingdom is the only one that matters. My busy life does nothing to point others to love. My busy life only causes others to think they don't matter.
In the next week or two I will take a step back, and make more time to pray. I will because it is one of the greatest things in life I can do. In fact it might be the greatest thing in life I can do.
Solitude and prayer....what could happen to change this world if we all took more time for solitude and prayer???
When we choose love....
Love...sometimes I think I forget what love is supposed to be. I find myself so caught up in my own thoughts and needs that I forget that love isn't just something that happens to me. It isn't just this feeling that is floating out there in space. Love is supposed to be who I am. Love is supposed to be what I live for. It is because of love that I am here, isn't it? It is because of love that I have so many chances.
Yet I find myself in this pattern of not relying on love. I find myself wanting to earn love, or wanting others to earn my love. I find myself wondering if I love enough.
This past weekend I found myself in tears because of a friend's pain. I found myself with the biggest heartache that I have had for another person, in a really long time, so much so that it brought me to tears, the giant sobbing kind of tears. In that moment it struck me what love truly is. In that moment I understood that what love is....it's feeling what another person is going through so deeply that you feel it inside of your core. Then I thought...that's it. That is what this life is about. When we look at others, when we listen to them, we love them so much that we truly allow ourselves to feel what they are going through. We allow ourselves to be put into the position that they are in. We allow ourselves to love to our core.
Isn't that what Jesus did? He felt the pain to His very core that each of us would go through. Every single time we shed a tear, He feels it....just as much as we do. That is the depth of love, that is the truth of love. That is living love.
I'm not Jesus, I can't attain His perfection...but I am able to love through His grace and mercy. I am able to tune in to the love that He has for me, and carry that on in my interactions.
I find myself stopping in moments throughout my day and asking myself if I am truly loving to my core. Am I connecting with others so much so that I feel their pain and hurt? Or am I just listening to them, telling them I will pray for them, and then moving forward? I don't want to be complacent when it comes to love. I don't want it to be just another emotion that I have. I want it to seriously run my life. I want love to be what comes out of me in my most vulnerable moments, when all I want to do is run the other direction. I want to love others so much that they can't possible do anything else but understand God's love, and sacrifice more after they are in contact with me.
Love isn't just a feeling that comes and goes like butterflies in my stomach. It isn't just this crazy emotion that I get when I think a guy is into me. Love is so much deeper than that. Love has a depth that can only be peeled back when it is authentically given to the core. I didn't design love, there's nothing anyone should be able to do to take away my love. Because love shouldn't come from me, and it shouldn't be filled out of my weaknesses. Love, it has to be bigger than that. Love....has to be the very depth of who I am. Love has to be the force that drives me to my knees, and powers me to understand how to connect in the most meaningful of ways.
That's the kind of life worth living, that's the kind of love worth dying for.
Yet I find myself in this pattern of not relying on love. I find myself wanting to earn love, or wanting others to earn my love. I find myself wondering if I love enough.
This past weekend I found myself in tears because of a friend's pain. I found myself with the biggest heartache that I have had for another person, in a really long time, so much so that it brought me to tears, the giant sobbing kind of tears. In that moment it struck me what love truly is. In that moment I understood that what love is....it's feeling what another person is going through so deeply that you feel it inside of your core. Then I thought...that's it. That is what this life is about. When we look at others, when we listen to them, we love them so much that we truly allow ourselves to feel what they are going through. We allow ourselves to be put into the position that they are in. We allow ourselves to love to our core.
Isn't that what Jesus did? He felt the pain to His very core that each of us would go through. Every single time we shed a tear, He feels it....just as much as we do. That is the depth of love, that is the truth of love. That is living love.
I'm not Jesus, I can't attain His perfection...but I am able to love through His grace and mercy. I am able to tune in to the love that He has for me, and carry that on in my interactions.
I find myself stopping in moments throughout my day and asking myself if I am truly loving to my core. Am I connecting with others so much so that I feel their pain and hurt? Or am I just listening to them, telling them I will pray for them, and then moving forward? I don't want to be complacent when it comes to love. I don't want it to be just another emotion that I have. I want it to seriously run my life. I want love to be what comes out of me in my most vulnerable moments, when all I want to do is run the other direction. I want to love others so much that they can't possible do anything else but understand God's love, and sacrifice more after they are in contact with me.
Love isn't just a feeling that comes and goes like butterflies in my stomach. It isn't just this crazy emotion that I get when I think a guy is into me. Love is so much deeper than that. Love has a depth that can only be peeled back when it is authentically given to the core. I didn't design love, there's nothing anyone should be able to do to take away my love. Because love shouldn't come from me, and it shouldn't be filled out of my weaknesses. Love, it has to be bigger than that. Love....has to be the very depth of who I am. Love has to be the force that drives me to my knees, and powers me to understand how to connect in the most meaningful of ways.
That's the kind of life worth living, that's the kind of love worth dying for.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Fear and the place it used to have...
It's 10:37pm. I have to get up at least by 6:30, so I can get to the store to buy things for our last day of Week 1 of summer school. Yet I am compelled to write. I am compelled to tell a little bit more of my story, and be pretty vulnerable tonight. It is what helps me to grow, it is what I need to do in order to truly work through all the things that I have going through my mind right now.
I have had a realization this week. Much of which I knew was coming, but it still just blows my mind the way things work in my soul and heart.
What I have come to?
The truth that.... I AM ENOUGH.
For the longest time, actually I think probably since before I even knew how to successfully be a friend to anyone I have been comparing myself to those around me. I have been putting myself down, and I have been feeding into the lie that I will never ever achieve success by anyone's standards because I am not good enough. I don't know that anyone ever specifically told me those words, but circumstances for as long as I can remember them have led me to develop this inner feeling that I will never, ever measure up.
It caused me to keep people in my life that only wanted to destroy me. It caused me to not take chances in relationships, in jobs, in life. It caused me to run the opposite direction and hop from place to place, all in search of this ideal person that I thought I was supposed to be. The idea that I would never be enough. I was constantly searching for the other part of myself that would be enough. I was constantly looking for others to approve of me, so that I could finally fit into the mold that had been carved out.
I allowed myself to believe that because I didn't date anyone until I was close to my 30's that I really was not enough. I convinced myself that I was stuck with the only person that had shown me attention because I was not enough. I convinced myself that all the other rejections were clearly because I was not what the typical "ideal" woman was like. I convinced myself that I was the worst representation of what anyone would want for a wife, and mother. I convinced myself that I had messed it up, and that I didn't deserve anyone in my life to love. I convinced myself that I would never be enough because I might never have everything that other people have. I convinced myself that the only way I was worth something was to have a husband and family.
So, all this convincing that I did... you want to know how it has shaped me? It has turned me into a person that keeps people at a distance. It has turned me into someone that thinks people are only using me to get to someone else. It has turned me into someone that uses my trust issues to push people away.
My realization came a few days ago, when I thought about how I allow my trust issues to be an excuse for me. How I allow myself to sometimes be a martyr because of trust. I understand now that I have allowed my trust issues to define me. I have used them as an excuse to push people away. I have used them as an excuse to not open myself up to love. To not open myself up to people that will in fact build me up instead of tear me down. I have allowed these issues to cause me to believe that I screwed up royally and that I do not deserve God's best. You know what though?
I choose to not give in to this lie anymore. I choose to take on the love, grace and mercy that has been offered me. I choose to open myself up to whatever it is I am feeling, even if it means I am wrong and even if it means I might get hurt. I can't live life authentically if I am hiding behind a mask that refuses to trust. I can't allow myself to breathe in the community around me and allow them to change me if I am locked away inside my world of bubbles. I must choose to embrace all that I am. I must choose to see myself through the eyes of my Creator. Knowing that I was created for a purpose. That my purpose may or may not include being a wife and mother. But that doesn't define my worth.
Fear can get the best of us. It can hold us so tightly that we are choked. We are unable to breathe, and then we just think that is the way that we have to live. With shallow, raspy breaths. It isn't the way we have to live. In fact it is so much the opposite of how we were intended to live.
We were intended to live with freedom that comes only from knowing that we are Created beings, made in the image of our Creator. We were intended to love, and trust. We were intended to be open and not fit the everyday mold. We were intended to be our own unique selves. We were intended to be an example of His beauty. We were intended to change this world.
I can no longer live with the fear that I will never measure up, and that I have to hide who I am because I might get hurt. I can no longer allow those thoughts to be the driving force of how I live. There is more to this life than that. So much more. I choose to trust, I choose to believe in the community that I live in. I choose to open myself up to show people what love is. I choose to break down walls, and I choose to not allow my own insecurities define my worth. Most of all though, I choose to see myself as I was created. I choose to know that my soul, does not depend on what others think. My worth does not even depend on the good that I do in this world. My worth has already been bought. I am worthy because He is. I am worthy because I choose to believe. I am worthy because someone loves me. I am worthy without proving anything.
I have had a realization this week. Much of which I knew was coming, but it still just blows my mind the way things work in my soul and heart.
What I have come to?
The truth that.... I AM ENOUGH.
For the longest time, actually I think probably since before I even knew how to successfully be a friend to anyone I have been comparing myself to those around me. I have been putting myself down, and I have been feeding into the lie that I will never ever achieve success by anyone's standards because I am not good enough. I don't know that anyone ever specifically told me those words, but circumstances for as long as I can remember them have led me to develop this inner feeling that I will never, ever measure up.
It caused me to keep people in my life that only wanted to destroy me. It caused me to not take chances in relationships, in jobs, in life. It caused me to run the opposite direction and hop from place to place, all in search of this ideal person that I thought I was supposed to be. The idea that I would never be enough. I was constantly searching for the other part of myself that would be enough. I was constantly looking for others to approve of me, so that I could finally fit into the mold that had been carved out.
I allowed myself to believe that because I didn't date anyone until I was close to my 30's that I really was not enough. I convinced myself that I was stuck with the only person that had shown me attention because I was not enough. I convinced myself that all the other rejections were clearly because I was not what the typical "ideal" woman was like. I convinced myself that I was the worst representation of what anyone would want for a wife, and mother. I convinced myself that I had messed it up, and that I didn't deserve anyone in my life to love. I convinced myself that I would never be enough because I might never have everything that other people have. I convinced myself that the only way I was worth something was to have a husband and family.
So, all this convincing that I did... you want to know how it has shaped me? It has turned me into a person that keeps people at a distance. It has turned me into someone that thinks people are only using me to get to someone else. It has turned me into someone that uses my trust issues to push people away.
My realization came a few days ago, when I thought about how I allow my trust issues to be an excuse for me. How I allow myself to sometimes be a martyr because of trust. I understand now that I have allowed my trust issues to define me. I have used them as an excuse to push people away. I have used them as an excuse to not open myself up to love. To not open myself up to people that will in fact build me up instead of tear me down. I have allowed these issues to cause me to believe that I screwed up royally and that I do not deserve God's best. You know what though?
I choose to not give in to this lie anymore. I choose to take on the love, grace and mercy that has been offered me. I choose to open myself up to whatever it is I am feeling, even if it means I am wrong and even if it means I might get hurt. I can't live life authentically if I am hiding behind a mask that refuses to trust. I can't allow myself to breathe in the community around me and allow them to change me if I am locked away inside my world of bubbles. I must choose to embrace all that I am. I must choose to see myself through the eyes of my Creator. Knowing that I was created for a purpose. That my purpose may or may not include being a wife and mother. But that doesn't define my worth.
Fear can get the best of us. It can hold us so tightly that we are choked. We are unable to breathe, and then we just think that is the way that we have to live. With shallow, raspy breaths. It isn't the way we have to live. In fact it is so much the opposite of how we were intended to live.
We were intended to live with freedom that comes only from knowing that we are Created beings, made in the image of our Creator. We were intended to love, and trust. We were intended to be open and not fit the everyday mold. We were intended to be our own unique selves. We were intended to be an example of His beauty. We were intended to change this world.
I can no longer live with the fear that I will never measure up, and that I have to hide who I am because I might get hurt. I can no longer allow those thoughts to be the driving force of how I live. There is more to this life than that. So much more. I choose to trust, I choose to believe in the community that I live in. I choose to open myself up to show people what love is. I choose to break down walls, and I choose to not allow my own insecurities define my worth. Most of all though, I choose to see myself as I was created. I choose to know that my soul, does not depend on what others think. My worth does not even depend on the good that I do in this world. My worth has already been bought. I am worthy because He is. I am worthy because I choose to believe. I am worthy because someone loves me. I am worthy without proving anything.
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