It has been over 10 days since I have been able to take time to sit down and blog. There has been a lot that I have had to work through in those days, and a lot that I have just been distracted by. I find that there are definitely seasons of life that are busier than others. There are also seasons of life that I make myself busy because it is easier than thinking through things that are hard. It is easier than dealing with the feelings that I have tried to push away for so long.
I find that the past is always something that we have to heal from. There are always situations that bring up pain from the past. There are always triggers that we know in our own hearts and souls that will cause us to begin spiraling downward so far that we miss all the healing that we did to get us into the new place. There were some things that triggered my own past hurts and pain, and I almost just gave up. I almost left everything that I had been so excited about being a part of because I got hurt. Because expectations didn't meet reality. Then, I was reminded of my role in this world. I was reminded that we truly live out life to the fullest when we are open to hurt and pain, because it is through that hurt and pain that we truly become more of ourselves. It is also through that hurt and pain that we learn how to truly love. Expectations will never be reality, because perfection is obsolete except through Christ. There is nothing that will turn out exactly how I want, because I am not in control of it. My healing process these days looks a lot different than my healing process used to. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that God's grace and mercy has brought me to a place where I do not have to fear rejection as much. I am able to be vulnerable enough to let people in knowing that there will sometimes be hurt and pain along the way. In the end though I come out with a greater knowledge and love of Christ, because of that vulnerability.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Thursday, May 12, 2016
Trust, Walls, and Brokeness...
I don't know that I can even explain all of the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind this week, but I am going to at least try.
Trust is not easily given to anyone, by anyone. We find ourselves in a cycle of continuously letting down our walls only for them to be built up once again. We find ourselves asking if it is worth it. Is it worth breaking down those walls and becoming vulnerable if our heart is only going to be broken time and time again? Sometimes its breakage is our own fault, and sometimes it is a result of that authenticity we so long to live out.
There are many different forms of trust in our daily lives. The trust that we have for our family, those that have been there through all of our ups and downs. We know that they are going to be there for us no matter what, and even if that trust is broken most of the time it is repairable. Trust that we have for those long-time friends. That trust that comes only from going through the deepest mud pit with each other. It is a trust that has been broken a few times, but has always found a way to mend itself up again. The trust that we have for our employers. Trust that they always have our needs in mind and that they are kind of in control of our provisions in some ways. Trust that we have for our colleagues. We have to trust them to a certain extent because we are all going through the same things together. Trust that we have for those friends that we meet that we have an instant connection with, but don't necessarily have the history with. Every type of trust has a role in the moments of our day, the stories of our life.
There are so many different kinds of trust. Each kind has a different level of authenticity attached to it. The hope is that all trust would require and give the same level of authenticity, but unfortunately that is just not the case.
Do we ever come to the point where we let go of the hurt and pain that it takes to trust, and just trust? Do we?
How many times do we have to get hurt? How many times do we have to get burnt before we realize that we are in fact always going to be let down by human beings.
Does there come a point in life where we just let other people hurt us because that is all that is left of us. The expectation is that the only way to not be too much for someone is to just allow them to hurt you time and time again by not being trustworthy?
Does it mean that you have to stop being your true, authentic self?
I don't know. My trust and walls are broken. I have fought so hard to be so authentic, and to try to place myself really in a community of love. But what if I was just kidding myself. What if this isn't the community that I belong in? What if I made a mistake? What if I don't fit.
Maybe none of us ever truly fit. Maybe that is why it is so hard. We try to make ourselves fit in, when really no one ever truly feels like they can let their guard down. No one ever truly feels like they are a real piece to the puzzle.
How do we live? How do we be ourselves, when the self that we feel is judged and disliked by the world around us. How do we break down walls, when there is someone on the other side of the wall just waiting with a knife to stab us in the back?
I don't think I really have the answer tonight. I feel pretty broken, and unsure. I feel pretty lost in a community that I thought I knew. I feel pretty sad that my expectations aren't reality.
I long to be the best version of me. I long to make a difference in this world. I think the fear that I have, is that all of that means being willing to be hurt by those around me. Being willing to allow my truest self to be exposed to those that could cause the most hurt and harm. Is that sacrifice worth it? Is it?
Trust is not easily given to anyone, by anyone. We find ourselves in a cycle of continuously letting down our walls only for them to be built up once again. We find ourselves asking if it is worth it. Is it worth breaking down those walls and becoming vulnerable if our heart is only going to be broken time and time again? Sometimes its breakage is our own fault, and sometimes it is a result of that authenticity we so long to live out.
There are many different forms of trust in our daily lives. The trust that we have for our family, those that have been there through all of our ups and downs. We know that they are going to be there for us no matter what, and even if that trust is broken most of the time it is repairable. Trust that we have for those long-time friends. That trust that comes only from going through the deepest mud pit with each other. It is a trust that has been broken a few times, but has always found a way to mend itself up again. The trust that we have for our employers. Trust that they always have our needs in mind and that they are kind of in control of our provisions in some ways. Trust that we have for our colleagues. We have to trust them to a certain extent because we are all going through the same things together. Trust that we have for those friends that we meet that we have an instant connection with, but don't necessarily have the history with. Every type of trust has a role in the moments of our day, the stories of our life.
There are so many different kinds of trust. Each kind has a different level of authenticity attached to it. The hope is that all trust would require and give the same level of authenticity, but unfortunately that is just not the case.
Do we ever come to the point where we let go of the hurt and pain that it takes to trust, and just trust? Do we?
How many times do we have to get hurt? How many times do we have to get burnt before we realize that we are in fact always going to be let down by human beings.
Does there come a point in life where we just let other people hurt us because that is all that is left of us. The expectation is that the only way to not be too much for someone is to just allow them to hurt you time and time again by not being trustworthy?
Does it mean that you have to stop being your true, authentic self?
I don't know. My trust and walls are broken. I have fought so hard to be so authentic, and to try to place myself really in a community of love. But what if I was just kidding myself. What if this isn't the community that I belong in? What if I made a mistake? What if I don't fit.
Maybe none of us ever truly fit. Maybe that is why it is so hard. We try to make ourselves fit in, when really no one ever truly feels like they can let their guard down. No one ever truly feels like they are a real piece to the puzzle.
How do we live? How do we be ourselves, when the self that we feel is judged and disliked by the world around us. How do we break down walls, when there is someone on the other side of the wall just waiting with a knife to stab us in the back?
I don't think I really have the answer tonight. I feel pretty broken, and unsure. I feel pretty lost in a community that I thought I knew. I feel pretty sad that my expectations aren't reality.
I long to be the best version of me. I long to make a difference in this world. I think the fear that I have, is that all of that means being willing to be hurt by those around me. Being willing to allow my truest self to be exposed to those that could cause the most hurt and harm. Is that sacrifice worth it? Is it?
Thursday, May 5, 2016
A Year's End Reflection
My teacher brain is beginning to turn off, even though I am going to be leading Summer School, we are coming to the close on another school year. It amazes me how quickly this year went by. I am thinking back to the very beginning. There was so much uncertainty in my heart. I had no idea what this year would hold. I only had last year to compare it to, and last year was horrible.
This year has been a year of healing. I have had to work through a lot of the hurt and pain that I didn't realize was embedded deep within my soul. I have had to break down walls that I had built up around me. Some of those walls have yet to even be scraped. I have had to give up on some expectations that I had for myself and others. I have had to give myself grace.
In the end though I have learned so much this past school year. Sometimes I wish that I could make New Year's Resolutions in July, instead of January because I kind of feel like that is how my year goes. Every school year feels like a fresh start. Like a time to begin again, to reflect on past mistakes, and look forward to a new future.
This school year has been by far the best one yet. It hasn't been without struggles, it hasn't been without pain. Yet the journey that has taken place has been one that I will forever be thankful for.
I feel like this year is the year I got myself back. This is the year that I truly understood why I was called to this job, in this community, and for this time. Maybe it is not about being happy 100% of the time, but instead about living life to the fullest. Finding your niche and not letting go.
This has also been the year that I have had to take a hard look at myself and where my value comes from. My singleness is sometimes overwhelming for me, most of the time because of the expectations that others put on me, instead of those I have on myself. I oftentimes feel completely fine with being alone, and not in a relationship. Most of the time I feel content with where I am on this journey. This year though I had times where I had to deal with those feelings of inadequacy. Not that I haven't felt that way in the past, but I had to deal with them this year in a completely different way.
I had to take a step back and ask myself what my life is truly about. Is it about finding someone else, or is it about living and doing the best I can to make this world a better, more loving place? I had to come to terms with the fact that the world, even among my church family sometimes sees me as a burden because they don't know what to do with me. I don't fit any of the "norms" for someone my age and relationship status. I also had to admit to myself that my relationship status might never change. I think that was the hardest part. To say that being married, and having kids... it might never be a part of my story. That season may never be a season in my life. Do you know how hard it is to deal with that fact? To work through that expectation that has been a part of your psyche since birth?
Here's the thing though, I don't feel like I am not living out my purpose if that never happens for me. Because I was able to realize that there are so many people out there just like me! So many people that aren't feeling valued or loved because they are not part of a "couple." They are seeking after that status more then anything else and it is causing so much hurt and pain in their lives. I realized that the greatest gift I can give to this community that I find myself in is to be okay with me. To encourage those around me that feel less than and make a way in this world, to bring change. We need to be a community of people that embraces everyone, no matter what their life journey is. We need to be a community that is authentically real in what we say and do. We need to be a community that has a niche for everyone, that works together to bring people closer to genuine love, and farther away from surface condemnation.
This year has been such a growth year for me. I was at one of the lowest points in my life last summer. I felt truly alone, more so than I have ever felt before, even when I was halfway around the world. I felt alone because I felt like I had been deserted by everyone. I felt like God wasn't real in my life and heart, because I hadn't been given the things that I desired. I felt like everyone was moving forward and I was just in a steady stream of water, not going anywhere.
I am so glad that I got out of that funk. I am so glad that I was able to push past that hurt and pain, and allow people back into my life and heart. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in how we feel, and feeling like we are the only ones that feel this way...we forget to look around us and embrace the messiness of those that are actually just like us.
I found community this past year, I found purpose again, and I embraced truth. I was able to take a year to heal, which is exactly what I needed. I was able to look back at the things that were said and done to me, and find hope in what is to come. More importantly though I was able to understand the parts of my journey that were tough, exhausting and heart-wrenching that brought me to this place. When we are in the valley we sometimes get so caught up in looking at the trek up the mountain that we forget the valley is there to build us and grow us for the next hike up. I have had so many valleys, it is crazy to think about. So many growing experiences, but I wouldn't change any of them. I wouldn't take them back. It is those times of growth that have gotten me exactly where I am today.
As I look back and recognize the journey I have been on this past year, I recognize that it truly is about looking at the whole path, not just a section of it. Sometimes we have to look at the big picture to see just how much growth and grace has been given to us.
I can't wait to keep going. I think the next mountaintop is just around the corner. It's going to be epic, it's going to change my life!
This year has been a year of healing. I have had to work through a lot of the hurt and pain that I didn't realize was embedded deep within my soul. I have had to break down walls that I had built up around me. Some of those walls have yet to even be scraped. I have had to give up on some expectations that I had for myself and others. I have had to give myself grace.
In the end though I have learned so much this past school year. Sometimes I wish that I could make New Year's Resolutions in July, instead of January because I kind of feel like that is how my year goes. Every school year feels like a fresh start. Like a time to begin again, to reflect on past mistakes, and look forward to a new future.
This school year has been by far the best one yet. It hasn't been without struggles, it hasn't been without pain. Yet the journey that has taken place has been one that I will forever be thankful for.
I feel like this year is the year I got myself back. This is the year that I truly understood why I was called to this job, in this community, and for this time. Maybe it is not about being happy 100% of the time, but instead about living life to the fullest. Finding your niche and not letting go.
This has also been the year that I have had to take a hard look at myself and where my value comes from. My singleness is sometimes overwhelming for me, most of the time because of the expectations that others put on me, instead of those I have on myself. I oftentimes feel completely fine with being alone, and not in a relationship. Most of the time I feel content with where I am on this journey. This year though I had times where I had to deal with those feelings of inadequacy. Not that I haven't felt that way in the past, but I had to deal with them this year in a completely different way.
I had to take a step back and ask myself what my life is truly about. Is it about finding someone else, or is it about living and doing the best I can to make this world a better, more loving place? I had to come to terms with the fact that the world, even among my church family sometimes sees me as a burden because they don't know what to do with me. I don't fit any of the "norms" for someone my age and relationship status. I also had to admit to myself that my relationship status might never change. I think that was the hardest part. To say that being married, and having kids... it might never be a part of my story. That season may never be a season in my life. Do you know how hard it is to deal with that fact? To work through that expectation that has been a part of your psyche since birth?
Here's the thing though, I don't feel like I am not living out my purpose if that never happens for me. Because I was able to realize that there are so many people out there just like me! So many people that aren't feeling valued or loved because they are not part of a "couple." They are seeking after that status more then anything else and it is causing so much hurt and pain in their lives. I realized that the greatest gift I can give to this community that I find myself in is to be okay with me. To encourage those around me that feel less than and make a way in this world, to bring change. We need to be a community of people that embraces everyone, no matter what their life journey is. We need to be a community that is authentically real in what we say and do. We need to be a community that has a niche for everyone, that works together to bring people closer to genuine love, and farther away from surface condemnation.
This year has been such a growth year for me. I was at one of the lowest points in my life last summer. I felt truly alone, more so than I have ever felt before, even when I was halfway around the world. I felt alone because I felt like I had been deserted by everyone. I felt like God wasn't real in my life and heart, because I hadn't been given the things that I desired. I felt like everyone was moving forward and I was just in a steady stream of water, not going anywhere.
I am so glad that I got out of that funk. I am so glad that I was able to push past that hurt and pain, and allow people back into my life and heart. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in how we feel, and feeling like we are the only ones that feel this way...we forget to look around us and embrace the messiness of those that are actually just like us.
I found community this past year, I found purpose again, and I embraced truth. I was able to take a year to heal, which is exactly what I needed. I was able to look back at the things that were said and done to me, and find hope in what is to come. More importantly though I was able to understand the parts of my journey that were tough, exhausting and heart-wrenching that brought me to this place. When we are in the valley we sometimes get so caught up in looking at the trek up the mountain that we forget the valley is there to build us and grow us for the next hike up. I have had so many valleys, it is crazy to think about. So many growing experiences, but I wouldn't change any of them. I wouldn't take them back. It is those times of growth that have gotten me exactly where I am today.
As I look back and recognize the journey I have been on this past year, I recognize that it truly is about looking at the whole path, not just a section of it. Sometimes we have to look at the big picture to see just how much growth and grace has been given to us.
I can't wait to keep going. I think the next mountaintop is just around the corner. It's going to be epic, it's going to change my life!
Monday, May 2, 2016
A to Z Challenge Reflection..... #atozchallenge
I survived, even though my last two blogs were late! I still did all 26 blogs, and for that I feel proud!
This year I did things a little differently with writing my blogs. I was part of the reveal, and that really helped me because I got to visit a lot more blogs then I did last year.
I have learned a lot from this challenge. I have made connections with some pretty awesome people and I am excited to keep blogging away.
Next year I am going to start writing my blogs in February, so I have more time to read more!
It was a great challenge! I am thankful for those that stopped by my blog and commented. I am thankful for those that inspired me to write more!
Can't wait till next year!!!!
A to Z -Authentic Inspiration: Zest #atozchallenge
My last post in this inspirational a to z challenge! I am a couple of days behind. I almost made it, but life got the better of me, and I went hiking instead of writing to clear my head, so that I could write!
Zest has a couple of different meanings. The one that inspires me is to have zest, or great enthusiasm. I think life is about living authentically. I believe that the only way to truly do that is to be full of enthusiasm for what is going to come next.
I don't ever want to tire of living. I don't ever want to tire of changing lives, and doing the very best that I can.
To live a life of zest is inspiring to me. It means that I am choosing energy and happiness over the alternative, which often times puts those around us feeling lost, angry and afraid.
Zest....gives spice to life. Zest inspires me to live each day to the fullest!!!!
A to Z- Authentic Inspiration: Yesterdays #atozchallenge
Yesterdays....they inspire me because they show me what I have been through.
I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of weeks thinking about a lot of people and memories that have gotten me to this point. Sometimes I get lost in what it means that I have been through so much. Sometimes I forget that it means I am a survivor.
My yesterdays inspire me to keep going. They inspire me to keep pressing forward. To be about what I say I am about.
My yesterdays show me that there is so much strength inside of me.
Do yesterdays inspire you?
Thursday, April 28, 2016
A to Z- Authentic Inspiration: Xenolith #atozchallenge
Xenolith
"a piece of rock of different origin from the igneous rock in which it is embedded"
I was searching for X words that could inspire me and I came across this!
What a perfect definition of me, and my life.
How amazing is it? A rock that is different from the one that it is embedded in!
I love thinking about all the different ways that this could explain my life. I absolutely love being in a place that is different. My favorite memories come from moments when I didn't blend in. Moments when I had to figure out how to live in a place and among people that were very, very different from me.
I don't always like to be different, in fact a lot of times especially in the past I have wanted just to blend in.
I think though the more I live, and the more I experience I realize that we weren't made to be just like everyone else. We were made to stand out. We were made to be embedded in a place that is not our own. To share our uniqueness with those around us. To impact this world in a real and amazing way.
Do you feel like you are blending in to the world around you, or are you embedded in a place that is not your own?
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