Garage Sales.... why I love and hate them.

 I was fortunate enough this past weekend to be able to put some stuff in a garage sale at a friend's house.  I made some money, and in the process learned some things.  No matter how low you put the price on your stuff, people always want to pay you less then the actual value of it.  Garage Sales are no fun, and the rain makes it worse.  People will come out in the rain for a good bargain.  

Let's go back to this learning experience about the pricing.  I am a pretty honest person.  I feel like even though I have spent time overseas, and bargaining is the way that you get things in most shops... I have never liked it.  Ever.  Because I don't want to put a value on something that you have.  Right?  It's like just wrong to me.  I don't enjoy going back and forth trying to determine what something is really worth.  People's livelihoods are riding on what we pay sometimes.  I mean I bought groceries with the money I made this weekend.  I was able to buy real food and I am so thankful for that!  

I think that is why garage sales just make me crazy.  Things that I put $2 on, people only want to pay a $1 for.  They automatically assume that I am just trying to get rid of it, and so they can just name a price and I am going to be willing to go with that price.  But I mean shouldn't we be willing to help someone out.  Why is this a part of garage sale culture?  Why?  I hate it.  

I feel like we do this a lot with people.  Someone tells you or shows you that they need to be valued in one way.  That they need to be loved in this one way.  And then you come in and say... oh but can't I just do this... and that should be enough?  

But it's not.  Why is it that we are always trying to get the better of others?  Why is it that we can't just say okay... you want me to show you love in this way?  No problem!  I will do that.  

That's just what I got out of the experience.  I am going to try my best to show love to people how they need me to.  

And I will probably never ask for a different price then what you put on your items if I buy something from you at a garage sale!  Ha!  

Moving.....

 Last weekend I spent the weekend moving my stuff back to CoMo into the house that I will be living in.  When I left to move to JC it really was because I was looking for a way out of the current living situation I had found myself in, and a mutual friend knew that someone was moving back to the area that needed a roommate.  So I moved to JC, with high hopes of finding the community that I longed for.  High hopes of finding a place where I fit in, and could be surrounded by people that wanted the best for me.  

I switched locations for my job, and my job title.  I thought I was walking into a welcoming environment... but what I found was a very toxic one.  So not even 6 months after I moved to JC I was looking for a new job.  And I found one....  well I actually found 2, but I chose the one that would provide me with insurance and sick leave.  So here I am almost 2 years later still at that job, but not in JC.  

I thought this move would be super easy.  I thought that I was ready... but the many drives back and forth from JC to CoMo proved to bring many tears, and cries out to God.  Because even though I am super excited and thankful for this move... I still can't help but mourn for the things that aren't.  

Because I thought by now I would be sharing my life with someone.  I thought by now I would be financially stable enough to afford my own place.  I thought by now I would have some sort of idea of what my life is going to look like in the next 5-10 years.  But none of that is true.  

So...  the joy that I should have felt during those drives was filled with anxiety, and a little sadness.  

Even in the midst of joyful things.... it is okay to mourn the things that aren't what we thought they would be.  

So for me... moving.... I'm so glad that I did it, and I am so happy to be back in CoMo again... but I also know that I am in the process of once again letting go of what I thought life would be like... and embracing what it actually is.  

Almost 40, a puppy, and a pandemic...

 I turned 39 over a week ago.  It was a great weekend full of hiking, camping, friends/family, my puppy, and LOTS of BUG BITES!  

I hate bug bites.  I hate them with a passion, and my skin looks awful right now.  But you know what bug bites remind me of?  They remind me that there is healing.  That healing doesn't always take just a few quick moments, but can sometimes take longer then expected.  This birthday was the 3rd birthday that I have had since the birthday that pretty much made me wish to never have a birthday again.  

But as I reflect and think upon how quickly life can change.  I am so very thankful for what I have been through.  I've learned that the people worth keeping... well those people see your faults and love you anyways.  They are there for you even if you don't have an ounce of self-worth.  They see the you that is deep inside the walls that you have build and they love you to the core of who you are.  

I have learned that I am sometimes a very poor judge of character.  I believe what people say most of the time.  So when someone tells me that they love me, or that they like me for who I am.  Well.. I tend to believe them.  But I am learning that people don't always tell the truth.  You would think I would have learned that a long time  ago.  But honestly... I really truly want to believe what people say.  Unfortunately this world is full of people that just want to use you when they are lonely, or can get something out of you.  

So in this next year.. I want to do what I can to be the best version of me.  I wish I was celebrating this next year with someone by my side.  But that is not where my story is.  I don't know what the future holds, but I sure am thankful for exactly where I am right now.  

I'm okay going camping and hiking by myself.  I have a new puppy, and he has proven to be one of the best companions I have ever had.  I'm thankful that he's in my life, and is going to help me  welcome my 40's.  

If I'm honest there's someone in my life that I wish it would have turned into something else.  But it hasn't... and you know what?  That is okay.  Because I'm not desperate.  I want someone that wants to be with me because they love all of me... not just because the other person didn't work out for them.  

I turned 39 in the midst of a pandemic.  But you know what?  There is so much on the horizon that I can't help but feel thankful for what is going to happen  in the future.  So..  I'm trying to blog once a week...  here's my first one... we will see how this goes!  

40 B4 40 Updated!

 When I was 36 I made a list of things I wanted to do and places I wanted to go before I turned 40.  At the time it seemed like 40 was SO far away!  Now....  I turn 39 a week from today.  I look at that list and I think....  it was a good list... I didn't accomplish most of what I wanted to... but mostly because of money.  Some because of discipline, and a lot because I just didn't have as much time  as I hoped I would.  So I am making a new list....  one that I feel confident I can accomplish this next year.  I am going to work really hard to accomplish it.  Here it is!  

#1 Learn how to fly fish

#2 Visit at least 10 different MO state parks that I have not already been to

#3 Send 5 pieces of real mail each month

#4 Walk 30 minutes everyday for 365 days

#5 Knit a blanket

#6 Go on a multi-day backpacking trip

#7  Journal everyday

#8 Read 52 books

#9 Take tennis lessons

#10 Run a 1/2 marathon

#11 Get a bike

#12 Go to a race (car not horse)

#13 Pay down debt

#14 Go to 5 museums/historic landmarks I haven't been to

#15 Blog once a week

#16 Minimize my stuff/clothes

#17 Drive down the Pacific Coast Highway

#18 Paint/craft once a month

#19 Listen to 4 podcasts a month

#20 Write my book

#21 Connect with family once a week

#22 Connect with close friends once a month

#23 Take horseback riding lessons

#24 Research gardening, and have a garden plan for a box garden or future garden

#25 Make a new dish once a month

#26 Host a multi-course dinner party with food made from scratch

#27 Get finances in order, write a will

#28 Get my passport renewed

#29 Do a Jen session 5/7 days a week

#30 Have a tech free day once a month

#31 Get my hair professionally dyed a crazy color (aqua or pin)

#32 Go to a spa or hot springs

#33 Take a baking class

#34 Take steps to become a respite/foster parent, and have my first kid(s)

#35 Visit 3 new states

#36 Complete 5 random acts of kindness each month

#37 Hike 10 new trails

#38 Practice Yoga 1-2 times each week

#39 Get a new tattoo

#40 Plan and execute my 40th birthday trip

I tried to mix up this list to not have everything cost money!  So hopefully I can accomplish all of these things by next year!  

The Old 40 Before 40!

This is a great list.... unfortunately not everything got accomplished.... and probably won't be in the next year... but you know what?  That's okay!  We don't always get to do everything... so... some of them might show up on the 50 before 50 list!  

 1.  Renaissance Festival   (completed Fall 2017)

2.  New Year's in NYC (hoping for Dec. 2019)
3.  Pay Down Student Loans
4.  Get a tattoo ( completed Aug. 2016 Elephant, June 2017 owl)
5.  See a show at the Fox  (This happened December 2019)  I saw STOMP!  
6.  Learn how to put together wine and cheese platters.
7.  Hike some of the PCT and AT
8.  Get in the best shape of my life.
9.  Go to 5 famous art museums
               a.  Metropolitan Museum of Art
               b.  Museum of Fine Arts, Boston
               c.  National Gallery of Art  (Wash DC)
               d.  Cleveland Museum of Art
               e.  Art Institute of Chicago
10.  Visit Napa Valley
11.  Go on a cruise
12.  Learn how to cook risotto
13.  Go to a racetrack
14.  Go to the Kentucky Derby (completed May 2017)
15.  Take a Road Trip (completed Dec. 2018 MI, Penn. Ohio, Kentucky)
16.  Learn to Quilt  ( I at least started this)  
17.  Read 100 Books  (Yes!  I have pretty much completed this) 
18.  Have a Spa Day
19.  Cook/Bake Gma's Recipes
20.  See the Northern Lights
21.  Go to all 50 states
22.  Complete 5, 5K's
23.  Complete 5, 10K's
24.  Complete a half marathon
25. Try Rock Climbing
26.  Watch every film on AFI top 100
27.  Write and publish a book
28.  Take 4 solitude retreats
29.  Have a signature dish
30.  Go for High Tea
31.  Sleep in a Haunted House
32.  Practice Yoga and Meditation
33.  Create a hashtag (complete #authenticallylivinglife)
34.  Blog More Often
35.  Send 10 handmade cards a year
36.  Simplify my life
37.  Learn Tennis well enough to play with my cousins
38.  Take an Art Class
39.  Be all in for my business
40.  Start a mini-garden

Turning 39....

 In 10 days I turn 39....  It is so crazy to think how quickly time flies by.  This past year has been super weird.  I had a lot of things I wanted to do before I turned 40... but I haven't really accomplished a lot of them.  So... I am scratching my 40 before 40..... and I am making a list of things to do before my next birthday.  It is a better list I think.....  one that I can manage a little more.  But I will look back on my previous list and see what I have accomplished.. and who knows.  Maybe some of those things will make it onto my 50 before 50 list!  

I am going to do a little reflecting on my 30's next week, but I want to do a little now as well.  

When think about where I was 10 years ago... when I was turning 29...  It makes me just think about so many good parts of my life.  I was living in Thailand.  It was my second or third year there.  I went to this very nice fancy Indian Restaurant with a whole group of teachers.  It was so much fun, probably one of my very favorite birthdays.  I felt loved, celebrated, and like I had really good friends.  I didn't start my 30's in Thailand, but being in Thailand helped shape who I was in my 30's.  Being in Thailand was one of the greatest things I have ever and probably will ever do in my life.  

In the last decade I have lived in the United States mostly.  I have made really good friends, I have lost really good friends.  I have learned more about who I am, and what I want to tolerate.  I have been able to be more of who I was meant to be.  

So in this next year I want to take time to continue to grow in the ways that I need to.  I want to take time to learn more about what this next decade is going to bring.  I want to live life to the fullest.  And honestly I want to just live.... not worried about what other people think....  Even if that means I live alone.  

When insecurity fails you....

 Sometimes I get so lost in insecurity that I can barely see my way out of it.  I try so hard to be strong.  I try so hard to know who I am and live in that strength and power.  But there are times when the past creeps in and knocks me down.  There are times when I need reassurances... and people we tend to not want to give reassurances.  We tend to want people to take us for what we say and if they don't then we think they are playing games or trying to manipulate the situation.  

I have a lot of insecurities... some of them I wear openly and I let people know.  Others I keep hidden deep inside, only for my very closest friends to find.  Then there are others that know one knows about.  

Sometimes I let someone in, to look past the outside... see the depth of who I am.  A lot of times I regret it.  A lot of times they don't know how to handle all that is me.  

I'm learning to be okay with it.  I'm learning that all of me is worth it.  I might have some insecurities, and those might cause people to not want to try past a certain point... but I am worth it.  

It's a part of who I am, a part that I am working on.... so I will continue to learn and grow.  I will continue to try to be okay with who I am and the people in my life and believe that I am important to them just because of who I am.  

But I am also going to let people go that can't handle my insecurities.