Lessons from this Decade! 2010-2020

I started out this decade in Thailand!  It's so crazy for me to think about that.  So much of my adulthood has been spent overseas.  I am now on the verge of having lived more of my post-college life in Missouri than overseas!  And... that is a weird feeling.  When I think about the Tawnya of 10 years ago versus the Tawnya of today...I can see just how far I have come in this decade.  It's amazing to me all that I have experienced and learned.  The people that I have met along the way, and what they have taught me.  The love I have gained and lost.  The way God has worked and moved to show me more and more of who He is.  

So... here's a recap of my decade!

In 10 years I was able to go to these countries:

*Thailand

*Vietnam

*Singapore

*Malaysia

*The Philippines

*Kuwait

I learned that it's okay too quit sometimes.  

I learned that not every friendship is for a lifetime.  

I learned that sometimes a college education really doesn't matter. 

I learned that there are friendships that will last a lifetime.  

I've been able to see/go to these places, do these things: 

  *Rode Elephants

 *Visited a Crocodile Farm

  *Went to a Tiger Temple

  *Tried Mangosteen, and it's by far my favorite fruit

  *Took lots of road trips:  Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kansas, California, Colorado, Kentucky, Tennessee

  *Went to a floating market

  *Visited Thai Palaces

  *Took a mission trip to Northern Thailand with a Thai church

  *Went to Koh Samet and saw the prettiest blue water I have ever seen

  *Oragnized a middle school 3-day service project

  *Went to Krabi/Phuket

  *Lots of weddings for friends, and sisters, and cousins

   *I was a nanny for the summer

  *Serious relationships that obviously didn't last

   *Lots of camping trips

  *My first backpacking trip

   *I was a children's minister

  *made lifelong friends

  *lost friends that I thought would be lifelong friends

  *gained confidence in myself

   *learned to have a voice

  *Went to the Kentucky Derby- twice

  *Been able to go to my first NFL game

  *Tailgating for MU games

  *Found a good church

  *Volunteering with True/False

  *Volunteering with Citizen Jane

  *Volunteering with Roots N Blues

  *Volunteering with Room at the Inn

So many different things happened in my life during this decade.  I hope that this next one brings a couple things that didn't happen, as well as tons more adventures!  

Here's to the next decade... may it be the best yet!  

Lessons from 2019

Thinking about the year 2019....

What a year it was.  I feel like it started out in this pretty good place, and then it just completely unraveled.  But the thing is that it is ending pretty well.  I have learned so much this year.  About myself, about other people, and about my purpose in this world.  I don't have everything figured out, but I sure do have a better grip on what I want in this life.  I don't know what is in store for 2020, but I know that I have more faith in God right now, then I maybe ever have before.  But I also know that my faith looks very different than it has in the past.  So, here I sit... watching the Packers lose, and thinking about this year.  Thinking about the memories that I hold, the great conversations that I have had, and the people that have pushed me and encouraged me along the way.

This year I had moments where I felt the most alone I ever have.  It was awful, and I wasn't sure that I would make it out of those moments, but I did.  I dusted myself off, got up and realized that sometimes you just have to get up and start going.  That is sometimes the only way to move past the darkness.  We aren't always going to have people around us.  In this year I have learned that there will be a lot of people that leave.  There will be a lot of people that just don't need to be there for all the days of my journey.  They are only there for a little while.

I have also learned that I am a helper.  What makes me happy is helping other people, and being there for them.  It is sometimes my greatest weakness, as well as my greatest strength.  To love others the way they need to be loved.  To see them in their moments of heartache, and be able to step in and be there for them.  I don't do it perfectly, but I sure do try.  I used to think that there was something wrong with me, but this year has taught me that there isn't.  I am exactly who I need to be.  Sometimes it is too much for people.  They don't agree with my philosophies on life, and they don't want anything to do with me.  It might hurt for a little while, but honestly I have to come to realize that I am just not right for those people.  We don't have to be friends with everyone, in fact we can't be.  So... I have my people in my life, and I am going to choose to invest in them, and hopefully they invest in me.  I lost a friend this year, that I would have never imagined losing.  She was one of those people that comes across like she actually cares about others, but I have to wonder if it was all just a façade?

So I ponder and think about everything that came about in 2019.... and here is what I learned:

*Friendships are what we make of them.  Sometimes we have to let friends go and it's not a reflection of who we are.

*God's timing is perfect, even if the wait is difficult.

*Always be open to people that come back into your life, it just might bring some of the best friendships.

*Everyone feels lonely sometimes, the best we can do is reach out to each other, and not be self-focused.

*My Enneagram is a 2!  Loving, helpful, generous, and considerate!  There is nothing wrong with being a 2!

*I am not single, because I am not enough.

*Being there for other people is my greatest gift.

*The best is yet to come!

All in all 2019 was a good year!  Can't wait to see what 2020 holds!

Is 2019 over yet?

I've had this thought multiple times in the past few days.  It isn't because 2019 was a bad year.  It wasn't a bad year at all.  It just held a lot of ups and downs.  A lot moments of trying to understand my place in this world.  Don't get me wrong, I did a lot of fun things, I had a lot of dreams and plans for this year.  This was going to be the year, you know?  Yet here I am almost nearing the end of it, and I am not sure if I truly accomplished even half of what I set out to accomplish.  But I know this.  I've learned a lot.  I've learned about who I am, who I want to be and who God is.  This year was a very long journey.  There were quite a few lonely moments.  But then there were moments when I realized just how important I am to people, and I am thankful for that.

I tried to fit in to a lot of different places this year.  I said good-bye to people and places that I no longer fit into.  But I also welcomed some new places some new people that I didn't know I would find a place to belong with.  The thing is that what this year has taught me is a lot about who I am, and how I interact with those around me.

We all come with baggage, right?  We have had people walk away from us, we have lost people that we thought would be in our lives forever.  We have been hurt, and rejected.  We have been loved by the wrong person multiple times, or had to reject someone because they did not work out and bring out the best in us.  But it depends on what we do with those moments.

This year I let those things almost break me.... but you know what?  I've had some pretty epic people come into my life, that make me want to heal from those wounds.

So... 2019... maybe it wasn't a year for a lot of memorable things, but I sure learned a lot and I had a lot of fun moments with friends and family....  Here are some of my highlights, or memorable things....


* I read a lot of books!  There will be a post about those later, when I get my final number of books read for 2019!!!

*My word for the year was FOCUS, and I feel like I did a pretty good job of focusing on my goals for the year.  I didn't accomplish all of them, but I made progress!

*I got to tutor a lot of Korean students this year, and it was a blast.

*I did a lot of cooking this year, and I love it!

*I started sewing a quilt, something that I need to get back to doing.  I love it.

*I learned about hygge, and started trying to make it a part of my life

*I got to be a Queen for True/False!  It was amazing!

*I had garden, and it actually grew things that I got to use in my cooking.

*I have plants that are thriving on my patio.

*My city flooded... a lot, as well as a lot of the Katy Trail

*I grew microgreens, and they were delicious

*I went to the Kentucky Derby, and made two of my hats!

*I went camping in 3 different state parks

*I joined a small group in JC

* I stopped leading the three year old class.

* There was a tornado in my city

* I got a new niece

*I spent most of my summer hanging out at the pool, reading

*I had a fun trip to Branson/Kentucky

* I got a different position at my job

*I've had some great epic weekends full of football, beer, and staying out late

*Tailgating at all the home games I could

* Tried a new fun drink... Mt. Dew and apple whiskey

*One of the best homecoming weekends I've been to

*Backpacked overnight in a huge storm, and almost had to climb up a cliff

*Went to Michigan to the northern peninsula and got to taste all the wine

*Work trips to Joplin, Rolla, St. Louis, and Springfield


This year has been a good one, but I am happy to close the door.  I truly believe that 2020 holds some things I have been praying and hoping for...…

Second Chances, and Not just Throwing People Away

I can't even believe that it is already December!  How in the world has so much time gone past, and so quickly?  It feels like it was just December 2018 last year!  I'm not saying that I don't want 2019 to end, because trust me when I say... this year can be over.  But it wasn't a bad year.  I felt pretty alone a lot of the time, but I grew in ways I didn't even know that I would.

Sometimes we don't even realize what God is preparing us for.  Sometimes we get so lost in the way that we look to everyone else we forget to find ourselves.  We forget that to the right people we will not be too much.  Sure they might get annoyed with us at times, but they will never want to throw us away.

In the past couple of months, but even more in the past week I have been reminded that we can give people second chances.  Or third chances, or more.  We can do that.... you know why?  Because I am continuously given chances over and over again.  I do things on a daily basis that should mean that I am no longer in the grasp of God.  I have rejected Him, I have chosen to go my own way.  I have spent more time scrolling through FB then listening to Him.  Yet He chooses me anyways.

I have been pretty hurt by quite a few people over the past couple of years.  I am sure some of them have even made it into some of my blog posts!   But what I didn't think about was the fact that maybe those people would re-enter my life at a different time, when I was more ready for their friendship.  Maybe, sometimes we need a break from someone so that we can be changed in a way where we are ready for them to re-enter our lives.  Because as they re-enter we both are in a different place.

I'm so very glad for answered prayers.  Prayers about friendship and people.  I absolutely hate losing people from my life.  It breaks my heart, and makes me wonder what is wrong with me.  The thing is that it might not be about me.  Not really.  It might just be about needing to be a better version of me.
Friendship is based on love.  It should be based on the kind of love that sees you through the mistakes, the weaknesses, and the flaws.  It should be the kind of love that pushes you to be the best version of yourself.  The kind that isn't self-seeking.  That's the kind of friendships I want.

I lost my best friend a few years ago.  Well at least I thought she was my best friend.  As it turns out, maybe we never were as good of friends as I thought.  Because I didn't feel secure in her friendship... not really.  I never felt like she had my back no matter what. I always felt like I had to prove myself in our friendship.  That I was never enough, there was always someone better to spend time with.  I think in many ways those feelings were accurate.  She might never have actually said that, but her actions spoke volumes.  Since losing her as a best friend, and even a friend I have been searching for someone that I can meet on that best friend level.

Sometimes answers to prayers show up in the most unexpected places.  I don't even think I realized that it was happening, until the other day... and then I realized that this person that has come back into my life after a little bit of a hiatus.... this person has become my best friend.  He understands me, calls me out when I am being ridiculous and is there for me.   Our friendship isn't perfect, but I am so very thankful for it.  It's a lesson for me though.  Sometimes it's okay to give second chances.  Sometimes it's okay for friendships to breathe out and then in again.  We all have things that we need to go through.  Sometimes we can go through them together, but sometimes we have to go through them with some space. I also am not sure that I have ever had a better best friend.  It might be unexpected, and really honestly sometimes it feels surreal... but I don't ever doubt my worth in our friendship... and I am truly thankful for that!

There have been about 5 people in the last week, that are now back in my life that for one reason or another have been absent for a little while.  I had cast them aside, thinking that I was too much for them.  But in this new stage, where I realize that the right people will always stay or find their way back, I can't help but think that this might be the reason I have been here for so long.  This might be the reason that I have stayed.

We have to see everyone for who they are.  Their flaws, their inability to react the way we want them to, the way that they don't meet our expectations.  We have to see them, and then decide if we are going to love them through all of that, or throw them away.  I have a couple people in my life that I have had to throw away.  I didn't like doing it, and if I'm honest I still FB stalk them every once in awhile, but they were toxic for my life.  They weren't meant for me.  I don't know that they won't come back in my life one day... and maybe we will both be at a better place.  But for now they are not there.  I still love them, I still know that they are in fact created for a purpose, but unfortunately that purpose does not have to involve me... and that's okay.

There is no way for me to love, and intentionally know everyone in the world.  It would be exhausting, honestly.  But the people that are in my life.  The people that come back into my life after being gone.  Those people I need to intentionally keep.  I don't know who is here for a season or a lifetime, but you know what?  I am going to enjoy the heck out of the time I get with them.  I am going to be there for them, love them.... see all their flaws, and love them some more.  We aren't called to love people because they are easy to love.  We are called to love them because they were created in His image.... by loving them and all that they are.... we are sharing His love.  His love that is greater than anything we could ever imagine.  So, tonight I reflect on what I can do to continue to love.  I reflect on having prayers answered in regards to friendship.  And I am truly thankful!

Maybe if we gave more second chances.... this world might be a more loving place.

Building Each Other Up, so there's no Need for Competition or Jealousy

We all have insecurities.  Even the person amongst us that seems like they are the most confident person in the world.  We all compare ourselves to others.  We all fight to be liked, and to have people make time for us.  We have all lost people from our lives because we didn't mesh.  Or because we pushed them away.  Or maybe our lives were only meant for a season.  Regardless we have lost, and that loss has caused insecurities.  Because instead of looking at what we gained from a friendship/relationship we analyze (or at least I do!) what we did wrong.  We play it over and over again, and  think about if only's.  

The truth is that relationships/friendships take work and effort.  Why do we think that putting people down is the best way to go?  Why do we put ourselves in position where we are comparing.  Where we are thinking that someone else is better than us, and so it is our job then to point out all the weaknesses in that person.  Or maybe it causes problems in our current relationship because we are constantly comparing ourselves to the person that we think is the ultimate threat.  

But what if... instead of comparing ourselves we just loved our differences.  What if instead of getting jealous, we felt confident in the relationships/friendships that we have.  Wouldn't we be able to have better relationships/friendships?  

I read something yesterday from Rick Warren... it said, "Let love help you focus on the other person, and that will drive your fear out of the relationship."  

This to me is everything... because when I think about the friendships/relationships that I have really wanted to keep in my life.  The reason that they didn't work out, or didn't stay was because of my own insecurities.  If I am truly focusing on the other person in love, then my doubts and fears of things not working out, or them leaving me... or me pushing them away will disappear.  It is my job to realize that comparing myself to others only harms my current relationships/friendships.  Love overcomes all.  But not love just from myself.  Love that comes from my faith in a God that is bigger than I am.  

I read an article this week about friendship, and how friendship isn't something that we deserve it is something that we give.  This article was talking about how friendship is a relationship that we form... where we let go of expectations and give a lot of forgiveness.  How true is that?  In order for a friendship/relationship to work... we have to see other people's faults, and love them anyways.  It's a choice.  Instead of expecting someone to act a certain way we give to them anyways.  Stepping out of what makes us comfortable and knowing that there is a chance that they might reject our friendship... or they might just reject us.  

I find this even in the online dating world.  Oh how that world stinks!  It is really the worst.  But the thing is that you have to take a risk.  Right?  You have to know that in connecting with someone else, there is a chance that it is not going to work out.  There is a chance that you might get hurt.  There is a chance that the other person is going to do something at some point that you are going to need to forgive them for.  

So... for me I want to be in friendships that allow me to give of myself.  The kind of friendships that I am confident in.  The ones that I know I will always have those people in my life, because we have committed to loving each other through all the mistakes.  We know that we are there for each other.  It is going to be messy, and I am not always going to say or do the right things.  Emotions could be high at times, and they could be low at others.  But at the end of the day, the risk of fighting for that friendship/relationship will be worth it every single time.  

It is a true genuine love for that other person.  A love that doesn't have room for competition or comparing.  A love that moves me beyond what I see on the outside, and allows me to break down the walls, to get into what holds that person together.  

I am so thankful for the friendships I am cultivating right now.  So very thankful that even though there might be days where I feel like I am not enough... I find that in the messy struggle I am exactly who I need to be for my friends... as they are for me!  

Marriage and Love... the real talk

I don't think if you would have asked me a couple months ago if I would be back on dating apps I would have said yes.  I was pretty set against them, and I was also pretty resigned to the fact that I would never find anyone that wanted me long-term in their life.  I don't even know that I knew that was the reason for going after men that I would never see myself with long-term... but the past few weeks have made me realize that I have sabotaged quite a few potentially good relationships because I thought I wasn't enough.  Now don't get me wrong... I truly believe that I have been single this long for a reason.  But I am not sure if it because of the person I am waiting on, or if it because of me.  I know I am not perfect, but no one is.  Also, I know that if two people love each other, no matter what obstacles there are... they can make it work.  I just don't know that we should all be going around trying to make things work that we know for sure won't work... does that even make sense?

Also... let me just say this... dating is stupid.  Dating apps are stupid, and they make me want to pull my freaking hair out!  That's why I have been on a hiatus for awhile.  Even now I wish that dating apps were more like find a friend first kind of app.  But unfortunately we are not in that day and age, and also we are a instant society.  We want to make friends instantly, we want to find our "soul mate" instantly, we want to know who we are meant to be with instantly.  We don't want things to take time.
What I have learned in the past few months, is that everything good takes time.  It has taken me awhile to be where I am ready to open up to someone.  It has also taken me a long time to get to where I am okay with who I am, and honestly I still have my moments.  But here's the thing.... I'm a kind, considerate, doing anything for you kind of woman.  I might not be the most gorgeous woman in the room, but I'm not ugly.  I'm working hard to get to where I want to be and honestly if that is what turns someone off, then I probably didn't want them long-term in my life anyways.

Our society idolizes marriage.  We want to be able to just instantly meet that person, and let the magic take over.  Unfortunately love doesn't work like it does in the hallmark movies.  I hope and pray that person enters my life soon!  But I also am okay if that person enters my life as a friend first.  I would rather have a friendship at the base of any romantic relationship than something that can't withstand my worst days!

I want to be married.  But at the end of the day, I want loyal friends more.  I want people in my life that will be there for me, that I can be there for.  I want people that will push me everyday to be better than I was the day before!  I hope one of them will become my husband one day... but for now I am okay with the right people pushing me on to love more.

Authentically Living.... and what it means to me right now...

I have been using the word authentic for quite a while now.  Trying to be as real as I can.  Some days I feel like I am really great at it, and other days I just want to be who everyone else wants me to be.  The past two months have been no exception.  I got to a point a couple months ago, where I wasn't sure what I was doing here.  I wasn't sure that I was making any difference, or that if I all of a sudden disappeared that anyone would miss me.  This blog is going to be self-focused for a bit, so if you are looking for something else I would probably stop reading.  I have come to realize that the way we try to get people to feel better about where they are at, is to point out that their situation could be worse.  For instance whenever I mention all the things I have to do at work... sometimes people are like... well at least you don't have to do this and this and this like I do.  Which doesn't really help the situation I am in, right?  It makes me feel like I shouldn't be so stressed out, because my worries aren't as important because I couldn't possibly have as much going on as this other person does.

But to me, the things I am struggling with are very real.  They are very important, and in some cases they are very overwhelming.  This year I spent my birthday by myself.  I pretended like it was okay, but honestly deep down my heart was breaking.  It was breaking because I wanted to matter enough for someone to make the effort.  I wanted to be more than just a convenience.  I wanted to be someone that people wanted to celebrate.  So I got depressed.  It probably didn't help that I had a situation happen that made me feel like just someone that could be used.

It has been a journey, and I wish I could say that I am seeing things so clearly, and that everyday I wake up with contentment and understanding of my role in this life.  But I don't.  There are mornings that I do.  I have a couple people in my life right now, that truly are helping me to know what true friendship is and it is refreshing and so very helpful.  But we are all flawed.  We all get things wrong, and struggle to be there for other people.  At the end of the day though, we have to be true to who we are.  We have to figure out what we believe the truth is and live it.

I tried something for a little while, and I thought it would make me happy, but it didn't.  Instead it just created this awful emptiness in me that probably led to the past couple months of hurt and pain, and feeling like I was disposable.  No matter what none of us are disposable.  No matter how many friends, or lovers leave us... we are not disposable.  It is so easy to feel that way, when you are replaced by someone else.  When the friends that you used to connect with on a daily or weekly basis are no longer texting or calling or connecting.  It is easy to question if you ever really mattered.

But we have to each believe that we do.  Even if for a little while we are just walking through the motions.  In this life we all come across people that we want to be in our lives forever.  Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren't.  The amount of people that have left my life is hard to take in, because I don't like to lose people.  I want to keep everyone in my sphere of friendship.  I want to stay connected, and never do anything that messes that connection up.  But sometimes connections get lost.  Sometimes we have to let go, and know that maybe one day we will be able to cross paths again.  It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong, it just means that sometimes friendships/relationships have to breathe out and then breathe in again.

I won't ever stop being authentic, but just like the journey of life my authenticness changes and grows as I walk the road.  I am able to be more of myself around certain people.  I am able to show just a little more of myself when I feel like the walls can come down without crumbling.  But it's okay for the walls to stay up for awhile, or go back up after coming back down.  We don't have to let everyone in.  Sometimes people only get a part of us.  We love them with all we have, but they don't get to damage us, and throw us away.  I'm learning this more and more.  I think the past 2 months, I have reached great strides in this area.  In the past I would have let a certain situation that I was in about a month ago damage me, and put me in a depression for awhile.  I wouldn't have spoken the truth to this person, I would have just taken the blame for something that didn't work out.  This time though, I spoke up for myself.  I called them on the lie that they told me, and I lost a friend.

Some might say that if the person was able to be lost, then they weren't a friend to begin with.  Maybe that's true, but also maybe they just don't know how to be a friend.  Maybe they just thought that it would be okay to treat me the way they did, and I would just take it.  The thing is that I am gaining my voice.  I am learning that I don't have to be so nice to everyone.  People that have hurt me more than once, and then want back into my inner circle.  Sorry, but you don't get to be that kind of friend with me.  The minute you can throw my friendship away twice, is when I decide not to allow a third time.  I will pursue your friendship always, unless you show me that you no longer care, and then I will choose to be done.

So for me right now living authentically means that I am being careful of who I trust.  I am not going out of my way to spend time with people that don't want to have anything to do with me, except when it benefits them.  I am looking for those that want to be there for me no matter how many mistakes I make.  No matter how very crazy I can be.  I want to know that I am loved, and love in return.  I won't compete with you, and I sure will not allow you to tell me that your life is harder than mine.  We are all doing the best that we can, and we all go through different seasons of struggles.  The best we can do is understand where someone is coming from, listen to them talk about the struggles, and stand beside them through it.  I hope that's what people see of my life.  Every day I am reaching for it more and more.  Because we all struggle to belong and be accepted.  The best we can do, is help each other through that journey.