I didn't know how much I would get out of this weekend conference, until I was sitting there soaking in everything that was being taught alongside some pretty amazing women. It struck me that everyone that I was surrounded by this weekend was from my initial small group that I had been a part of when I first started attending The Crossing. The thought crossed my mind of how much I have changed since I walked into that room for the first time. So many emotions in becoming a part of a church that I know feel I can call home. Meeting friends that I know I can count on, that aren't going to gossip about me the minute I turn my back, and would drop whatever they were doing in a moment's notice if I needed something. As I listened and soaked in our conversation it made me realize just how thankful I am for God's hand in my life. Not everyone believes in a God orchestrating our lives, but when I think about the different places that I have been, the people I have met, and how they have changed my heart and life... I know that God is real, and working.
This weekend's theme was from Genesis 18:14, "Is anything too hard for the LORD?"
Jen Wilkin, one of the best teachers I have heard led so well. She taught from the Bible, making sure that she dived into the truth of the Word.... and I am SO thankful that she did!
We discussed three women... Rachel, Leah, and Rahab.... here are my thoughts.....
Rachel....
How am I Rachel? I want to control EVERYTHING! Not just the things that directly involve me, but the things that don't. Even tonight watching the olympics, I wanted so badly to help those athletes that fell. I wanted to be able to go back, and let them not make any mistakes. Isn't that what control is about? Sometimes for me I don't know what God's promises are specifically for my life. I struggle with understanding if God is slow in fulfilling His promises to me, or did I just get His promises wrong? How do I interpret His promises? How do I make them something that is real to me without trying to be in control. How do I pray when I don't understand His promises for me?
I think that is the hardest part, and I don't know that I have the right answers, even right now. But I do know that when things get frightening, when I don't understand what God is doing....I trust that God will keep His promises to take care of me, to always love me, and to lead me through whatever journey He has for my life. Nothing is too hard for Him, right? He sees my struggle to understand His promises, and He wants to walk alongside me guiding me and directing me. He is in control, and that IS the BEST way for things to be.
I want to control, but I also want to trust. That's the battle that I believe I will continue to fight with forever. So, one day at a time, I give up my control, and try to trust. I understand that me being a bit too much isn't my defining role. It isn't what God sees when He looks at me. He sees His daughter, who needs Him to show her His Resurrection Power.
Leah....
How am I Leah? Oh... this one hit the nail on the head. I have never been the "beautiful" one in my friend group. I am not the one that gets asked out all the time, or the one that guys flock to. More often than not, I am the one that guys befriend, so that they can ask out my much more "beautiful" friend. The one that guys see as their buddy, their confidant. The one that will be there for them, but never in a romantic way. So, in many ways I completely understand how Leah felt. To not be loved by her husband, to be looked over again and again. To be in a marriage where she never felt loved. To be in a family where she never felt loved. My heart breaks for her. My heart breaks for the moments I myself have wasted chasing after the love of men that would never return that love. But it isn't just in the relationships that I have done this. It is in friendships as well. Wanting so badly to be loved by people that will never return that love. For one reason or another they are not able to give that love back. Yet I have continued to give of myself, love beyond all measure, and allow myself to believe that I am not enough... for what? I haven't gained anything by those feelings. and thoughts. I've only lost. I've lost out on knowing people that would see me as a worthy created being. I've lost out on community that I could have been part of.
I want acceptance and love. Especially because our society, our culture puts such high value on marriage, and parenting. It seems that even within the church if you have not done either of these things, then you are not enough. You are looked down on, seen as someone that needs to be "fixed." Why is that? If we were all looking to God for acceptance, then I think that we would cease to judge others so harshly on where we think they don't measure up. So, when I start going down that path of listing the reasons that I am not enough...I am going to remember that I don't have to be..... because just as Jen said.... Jesus is enough, and that's all that's needed.
Rahab....
Here's where things might get a little dicey. So, I will understand if you don't want to keep reading at this point. Rahab's story struck me SO much especially as Jen was talking. How am I Rahab? I am a woman that has been seen as an object. I am a woman that has been used in ways that I wish I hadn't. I am a woman that has been judged because of words that were spoken about me that were untrue. I am a woman that has lied and manipulated. I am a woman that has given in to sexual desire when I shouldn't have. I am a woman that has been thrown away, seen as nothing, trampled on, and misrepresented. I am a woman that has had things taken from me, that I can never get back. I am a woman that has been accused of being too vocal, too independent, not a Christian. I am a woman that has been harassed, called a slut and a whore. I am a woman that has been used for sex. I am a woman that has had to block numbers because men won't stop calling or texting me after I have said no. I am a woman that has said yes, because I didn't think I could say no. I am a woman that has chosen non-Christian men because the Christian ones seemed to only want a submissive, non-opinionated, stay in the kitchen and don't speak kind of woman. I am a woman that has been hurt by words that were spoken by men that say they are following Jesus. Words that put me down, put other women down, and should never be used by someone who claims they love Jesus. I am a woman that was told I wasn't pretty enough, by a Christian man to see as anything beyond friendship. I am a woman that has been viewed only as a sexual object by men, Christian men, men that claim Jesus. Men that would never admit this out loud.
These are the ways I connect with Rahab. But you know how I also connect with her? I believe in God's promises. I believe that God will do what He says. I believe that His purposes in my life are far greater than anything I could ever imagine on my own. I believe that He has given me a desire and passion to preserve the life of His people. I believe that it is my role on this earth to intercede for others. To share His love with them, no matter what that might mean for those around me that don't understand that. I believe that there is nothing that I have done or will do in the future that will disqualify me from the love of God.
So... yes I probably connect with Rahab the most. But I am not ashamed of that. I have struggles, and sins. I have cycles of sin that need to be broken. I have allowed myself to be in situations that I shouldn't be in. I am working on all of that. But you know what I learned today.... I learned that God knows all of that, He meets me in it, and He sees me through it. He doesn't love me less because of it. He doesn't put me in the category of outcast. There is never anywhere that I can go that is going to be out of His grasp, out of the reach of His love. My life is worthy, I am worthy. I was created to be more than an object. I was created to be more than someone's wife, daughter, mother. I was created to worship the Creator, to know Him more, and to share His love with those around me.
I am sure as the weeks go, there will be more things that I learn as I ponder read and pray. For now these are what's on my heart. Thanks for reading. May you know that there is nothing too hard for the LORD.
Saturday, February 10, 2018
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Lent.... 2018
I can't believe that we are less than a week away from the beginning of Lent 2018. I am so thankful for these last 5 years when I have been able to participate in this time of preparation for Easter. It's hard for me to decide what to "give up" for Lent, and most of the time I just end up giving up FB because it is the most waste of time for me. So, this year I want to really think about it, and replace whatever I decide to give up with more worship, meditation, and service. I don't want my life to be "busier," but I do want it to be more contemplative.
Lent should be a sacrifice. It should cause me to think about where my focus is. It should cause me to put more focus on Him, and less on me. I don't often times focus on Him first. I have gotten into this bad habit of waking up, and the first thing I think about is me. I know I am not alone in that. I know that there are a lot of people that just like me, lose focus on what's important. We go through our day thinking that we are the only person struggling, or judging others for their struggles. We go through the day leading a life that is selfish, and unloving. A life that counts the wrongs of others, puts people into categories, and doesn't allow for mistakes.
What will it take for me to put my focus where it needs to be? What will it take for me to look upward for approval, healing, grace, and mercy instead of outward? What's going to lead me to sacrifice, forgiveness and love?
So, for Lent 2018, I'm giving up all social media, and replacing it with worship. Worship in many different forms. But I won't be on FB, IG, Pintrest, or Twitter. I am going to stay away from the news online also, and pick up a paper or two if I want to read what is going on.
The thing about Lent is that it isn't just about giving something up, but it is about putting something in place of that thing. Focusing less on fake news outlets, mediocre interactions with friends that aren't getting to the heart of where you are, and likes that lead you to think that you are popular and that's what matters.
Instead I want to find my worth in Jesus. I want my focus to be on who He is, what He did, and how it should be changing my heart, my life every single day. I feel like this is a time to get my focus back, to rededicate my life to what He wants. A time to understand what sacrifice means, and how it should be changing my life daily minute by minute. A time to interact with people face to face, instead of behind a screen. A time to open my heart to where He might be leading me. A time to get to know Him more intimately. A time to break away from this world, and the holds that it has on me.
I am going to try my best to blog everyday throughout Lent. Some days it might be more personal what He is teaching me. Other days it might be just a little glimpse into people's stories that I am meeting along the way. I am not sure what exactly it will be, but I am excited about the changes that will be made in me.
Maybe you don't participate in Lent, maybe you do. Whatever you choose to do during February 14th-March 31st I hope and pray that you find time to rest, to contemplate, and to listen to His voice that wants to call you deeper and love you more.
I would also love to hear what you do during Lent!
Lent should be a sacrifice. It should cause me to think about where my focus is. It should cause me to put more focus on Him, and less on me. I don't often times focus on Him first. I have gotten into this bad habit of waking up, and the first thing I think about is me. I know I am not alone in that. I know that there are a lot of people that just like me, lose focus on what's important. We go through our day thinking that we are the only person struggling, or judging others for their struggles. We go through the day leading a life that is selfish, and unloving. A life that counts the wrongs of others, puts people into categories, and doesn't allow for mistakes.
What will it take for me to put my focus where it needs to be? What will it take for me to look upward for approval, healing, grace, and mercy instead of outward? What's going to lead me to sacrifice, forgiveness and love?
So, for Lent 2018, I'm giving up all social media, and replacing it with worship. Worship in many different forms. But I won't be on FB, IG, Pintrest, or Twitter. I am going to stay away from the news online also, and pick up a paper or two if I want to read what is going on.
The thing about Lent is that it isn't just about giving something up, but it is about putting something in place of that thing. Focusing less on fake news outlets, mediocre interactions with friends that aren't getting to the heart of where you are, and likes that lead you to think that you are popular and that's what matters.
Instead I want to find my worth in Jesus. I want my focus to be on who He is, what He did, and how it should be changing my heart, my life every single day. I feel like this is a time to get my focus back, to rededicate my life to what He wants. A time to understand what sacrifice means, and how it should be changing my life daily minute by minute. A time to interact with people face to face, instead of behind a screen. A time to open my heart to where He might be leading me. A time to get to know Him more intimately. A time to break away from this world, and the holds that it has on me.
I am going to try my best to blog everyday throughout Lent. Some days it might be more personal what He is teaching me. Other days it might be just a little glimpse into people's stories that I am meeting along the way. I am not sure what exactly it will be, but I am excited about the changes that will be made in me.
Maybe you don't participate in Lent, maybe you do. Whatever you choose to do during February 14th-March 31st I hope and pray that you find time to rest, to contemplate, and to listen to His voice that wants to call you deeper and love you more.
I would also love to hear what you do during Lent!
Monday, February 5, 2018
Death, Judgment, Forgiveness, and love....
My heart pounded as I listened to what he was saying. Thinking and pondering over what it means to forgive. To put others first. To stop thinking about myself all the time, and how this affects me or my journey. A tear trickled down my cheek as I thought about the times that I have even recently put myself before others' thoughts or feelings. How many times I have had an attitude that I don't care about what someone is going through, or cease to see people for who they are.
This past week I knew of 4 people that passed away. Some of them I had lost contact with, and only know their present stories through others. One of them I found out today, was a self-inflicted fatal wound and it breaks my heart. I don't know how to process someone that I grew up watching live out their faith take their life. But you know what? I know what it feels like to be so deep in pain and sorrow that I don't want to keep going. I don't know who this person is today... I knew them 15 years ago. I am not sure of their present story, or what kind of sorrow happened to cause this end result. But I know they left behind people that loved them. They left behind a community of people that would have been there in a second if they had only known. What could have gone so wrong that this was the only choice? Do we really need to be adding to each other's hurt and pain? Do we really need to be putting others down at every turn?
As I ponder and think I want us all, mostly myself to realize what an impact my words have on others. Even though I say that I am not living for other people's opinions, my friends, my family, sometimes even complete strangers... what they think of me does matter. It matters, and sometimes I let it matter too much. Sometimes I take those words that are said in the heat of the moment, or in a joking way and I let them eat me up inside. I allow the things people have done to me, be a wall that keeps them out, instead of forgiving, and seeing who they were created to be. It makes me human. Because I think if we were all really honest, we would admit that we keep people at an arms length most of the time. We put up walls, so that we don't get hurt. We friend zone that person so that our heart doesn't get broken once again. We choose to not forgive, because it is easier than constantly being vulnerable enough to feel pain.
None of us are perfect. We do things, and say things that we shouldn't. I'm so guilty of failing every single day. I'm so guilty of saying one thing and doing another. Even this past weekend, I allowed myself to be in a situation that I knew wasn't going to be good for me, and I did it anyways. A lot of the time I focus on what I think is going to be good for me, especially in a temporary moment. I focus on what I think is the best thing, instead of putting my focus on God, and others. Instead of seeing things the way He does, I see them the way I want to.
My heart hurts right now as I continue to watch people that I know and love allow politics, name calling, and hatred come between them and those around them. It hurts me to listen to people make fun of those in a different political party, or a different social setting. It hurts me to not understand how people that I love and admire can want others to be hurt, and put down because of what they are standing for. We judge so harshly, don't we? We put on this air of being better than someone else because we think we have all the right answers and all the right views. We think that we know best what God has called us to, and what this life is like. But if we stopped for one second and thought before we spoke. If we stopped and looked into the eyes of the person that we are trying to argue with, and berate... if we stopped and asked ourselves what we see in them that is like Jesus. I think we would have a lot less room to criticize, and a lot more room for love.
I am not great at letting people in. In fact I am pretty good at shutting people out, and most of the time my heart stays pretty guarded. But in the quiet still moments I am able to understand that my life is better when I choose forgiveness and love. Life is better when I reach out to that person even though it is going to mean that I have to admit I was wrong. Or make the first move. I have made a dozens mistakes, even just today. But the best way I can live, is to show people how important they are in my life. Forgive people when they treat me horribly, and love beyond myself.
So.... today I choose those things.... forgiveness and love.
This past week I knew of 4 people that passed away. Some of them I had lost contact with, and only know their present stories through others. One of them I found out today, was a self-inflicted fatal wound and it breaks my heart. I don't know how to process someone that I grew up watching live out their faith take their life. But you know what? I know what it feels like to be so deep in pain and sorrow that I don't want to keep going. I don't know who this person is today... I knew them 15 years ago. I am not sure of their present story, or what kind of sorrow happened to cause this end result. But I know they left behind people that loved them. They left behind a community of people that would have been there in a second if they had only known. What could have gone so wrong that this was the only choice? Do we really need to be adding to each other's hurt and pain? Do we really need to be putting others down at every turn?
As I ponder and think I want us all, mostly myself to realize what an impact my words have on others. Even though I say that I am not living for other people's opinions, my friends, my family, sometimes even complete strangers... what they think of me does matter. It matters, and sometimes I let it matter too much. Sometimes I take those words that are said in the heat of the moment, or in a joking way and I let them eat me up inside. I allow the things people have done to me, be a wall that keeps them out, instead of forgiving, and seeing who they were created to be. It makes me human. Because I think if we were all really honest, we would admit that we keep people at an arms length most of the time. We put up walls, so that we don't get hurt. We friend zone that person so that our heart doesn't get broken once again. We choose to not forgive, because it is easier than constantly being vulnerable enough to feel pain.
None of us are perfect. We do things, and say things that we shouldn't. I'm so guilty of failing every single day. I'm so guilty of saying one thing and doing another. Even this past weekend, I allowed myself to be in a situation that I knew wasn't going to be good for me, and I did it anyways. A lot of the time I focus on what I think is going to be good for me, especially in a temporary moment. I focus on what I think is the best thing, instead of putting my focus on God, and others. Instead of seeing things the way He does, I see them the way I want to.
My heart hurts right now as I continue to watch people that I know and love allow politics, name calling, and hatred come between them and those around them. It hurts me to listen to people make fun of those in a different political party, or a different social setting. It hurts me to not understand how people that I love and admire can want others to be hurt, and put down because of what they are standing for. We judge so harshly, don't we? We put on this air of being better than someone else because we think we have all the right answers and all the right views. We think that we know best what God has called us to, and what this life is like. But if we stopped for one second and thought before we spoke. If we stopped and looked into the eyes of the person that we are trying to argue with, and berate... if we stopped and asked ourselves what we see in them that is like Jesus. I think we would have a lot less room to criticize, and a lot more room for love.
I am not great at letting people in. In fact I am pretty good at shutting people out, and most of the time my heart stays pretty guarded. But in the quiet still moments I am able to understand that my life is better when I choose forgiveness and love. Life is better when I reach out to that person even though it is going to mean that I have to admit I was wrong. Or make the first move. I have made a dozens mistakes, even just today. But the best way I can live, is to show people how important they are in my life. Forgive people when they treat me horribly, and love beyond myself.
So.... today I choose those things.... forgiveness and love.
Saturday, January 27, 2018
Mercy is for Everyone
The trees looked dead as I walked along the narrow path. Not really understanding what this journey was going to be about, but just knowing that I needed to take it. As I did, I listened to a sermon entitled, "Am I a Good Samaritan?" Whew, as I looked at the world around me I thought about mercy. I thought about what mercy means. Too often I think that I have expected God's mercy. I have just taken for granted the fact that He gives it so freely. I can't do anything to earn it, but He gives it to me. One quote from this sermon is "Mercy sees need and meets it!" - Keith Simon
What does that mean to me? It means that where there is need, my mercy should be meeting that need. I have gotten a little bit of flack from some people that think I am not spending enough time just resting and too much time doing things. I will admit that a couple of weeks ago I felt pretty run down and I almost quit volunteering for a little while. But then I had this moment where I thought... this year is about sacrificially giving up my time for others. Then I heard this sermon today and I thought about all the ways that I don't give mercy.
I thought about how much of the time I put my needs before others. I put my feelings above someone else and I forget to just give without expecting anything back in return. That is the key, right? Not expecting anything back in return. Mercy meets the need without expecting needs to be met back. Mercy says I see how much pain you are in, and I am going to do something about it. That right there is my conviction. I don't want to just say.... oh that really stinks, I am so sorry! No, I want to DO something, I need to do something. If I don't take action when I see someone in need, then what point is there?
My human nature though doesn't want to give mercy to everyone. I want to give mercy to those that show me kindness. I want to give mercy to those that I think deserve it. I don't want to give mercy to those that are rude, or mean, or I feel don't contribute to this community. As I walked I wrestled with that human nature of mine. I thought about the people that I come in contact with that I should be going out of my way too help. Everyday I come in contact with at least one person that needs to feel loved. What am I doing to show them mercy? How am I meeting those needs?
I don't get to pick and choose who gets mercy. Mercy is for everyone. To love well is to show mercy. To love well, is to meet needs. To love well is to give sacrificially. To love well, means understanding people, their stories, and seeing what they have come through. So this week, I hope I can be a giver of mercy to everyone I meet.
What does that mean to me? It means that where there is need, my mercy should be meeting that need. I have gotten a little bit of flack from some people that think I am not spending enough time just resting and too much time doing things. I will admit that a couple of weeks ago I felt pretty run down and I almost quit volunteering for a little while. But then I had this moment where I thought... this year is about sacrificially giving up my time for others. Then I heard this sermon today and I thought about all the ways that I don't give mercy.
I thought about how much of the time I put my needs before others. I put my feelings above someone else and I forget to just give without expecting anything back in return. That is the key, right? Not expecting anything back in return. Mercy meets the need without expecting needs to be met back. Mercy says I see how much pain you are in, and I am going to do something about it. That right there is my conviction. I don't want to just say.... oh that really stinks, I am so sorry! No, I want to DO something, I need to do something. If I don't take action when I see someone in need, then what point is there?
My human nature though doesn't want to give mercy to everyone. I want to give mercy to those that show me kindness. I want to give mercy to those that I think deserve it. I don't want to give mercy to those that are rude, or mean, or I feel don't contribute to this community. As I walked I wrestled with that human nature of mine. I thought about the people that I come in contact with that I should be going out of my way too help. Everyday I come in contact with at least one person that needs to feel loved. What am I doing to show them mercy? How am I meeting those needs?
I don't get to pick and choose who gets mercy. Mercy is for everyone. To love well is to show mercy. To love well, is to meet needs. To love well is to give sacrificially. To love well, means understanding people, their stories, and seeing what they have come through. So this week, I hope I can be a giver of mercy to everyone I meet.
Monday, January 22, 2018
When I judge...
My eyes scan the room, and I try to figure out the thoughts of those lives being lived out in front of my face. I look for the slightest glimpse of acknowledgement, the slightest understanding of what they might be going through, and most of the time I fail. You see most of the time they don't want to share their stories. They don't want to let people in too far because they are afraid of being hurt. They are afraid of the pain that someone could cause them if they knew the truth. So, sometimes I make up my own stories, I put elaborate tales to faces, I dream amazing dreams for them, and I hope that one day their situation won't require them to check in each evening, and out each morning, reserving a small cot for a safe place to lay their head before they depart for a day of walking, working, and trying to survive in the bitter cold.
I want to break down their walls, I want to get to know who they are, how they got in the situations they did, and how I could possibly help them get out of it. But sometimes our role isn't a fixer, or even a listener. Sometimes it is just the role of being present. Being present to get a fresh pillow for someone's head. Being present to fill up the water container so that thirst is quenched. Being present to make sure that everyone can feel safe no matter what their circumstances are.
In the past I know that I have judged, quite harshly in fact. I saw people, dirty, poor and I judged them. I judged them based on my own bias, my own experiences. I judged them because I thought that all they had to do in order to have a place to be, in order to not live life on the streets was find a job, and try really hard.
That's not always the case though, is it? We like to tell other people's stories for them. We like to say if only you do this, or that... then you will find yourself not living life poor, and homeless. You will find yourself successful. We like to think that we know best for everyone, while our own life is falling apart right around us. We like to think that we could never be in that situation. Some of us probably couldn't. I know that it helps me to know that I have people I can turn to, people that would take me in a moment's notice and give me what I needed in order to not have to live on the streets just scraping by. I know that.
I don't know what it is, to look around a room full of people, and truly trust no one. I don't know what it feels like to think that everyone is out to get me. That if I turn my back even for one second the suitcase with all my worldly possessions might be snatched away from me without a moment's notice. I don't know what that is like.
My eyes continue to scan the room, as I observe and do the best I can to be present in these people's lives. To not judge them for the stories that I have yet to learn. To understand them in the best way I can. To cherish the moments when I get to talk about the football game that ended only hours before, or what the Superbowl is going to look like in a couple of weeks. I cherish the moments when someone shows me a little more about the homeless community so that I don't make a complete idiot of myself doing something that I did in ignorance.
I want to see people's stories when I look at them. I want to earn their trust. I don't want to walk around life, not engaging, not feeling, and not loving. But how do I love when I am being held at arm's length. How do I love when I feel like they don't want love back? How do see past the hardness in those eyes, and view the hurt and pain that has caused so much blockage?
I see you, your eyes they tell me a story
One of pain, sadness, and regret
I want you to know that you aren't forgotten
Your story it's important
The flecks of sadness try to stream down
Your face scrunches up, and you look quickly away
I want to reach over and wipe that tear
But I know that my hand might cause more pain
I want you to know that you mean so much
This world it needs you, your creative touch
Our community wouldn't be the same without your presence
Never doubt that you are wanted, needed and loved
It seems like your eyes are full of layers of mistrust
People have let you down more than it seems possible for the short life you have lived
You try your best to put up a fight
But you keep getting dragged down, by the obstacles in each place you step
You feel beaten, abused, mistreated, and unloved
You feel caged, like you will never get a break from the pain
You want to succeed, you try your best to keep running the race
But it seems like someone is always there to trip you and make you fall on your face
I want you to know that you aren't alone
I want you to know that you do have a home
It may not be physical, you might not be able to touch it
But you have a place to be safe and reside while you transition
For love doesn't need four walls and a door
The love that I share is undoubtedly more
It stretches beyond what you can even comprehend
It is bigger and wider than the cot you sleep in
This love it breaks down the walls that you have built
It spans through the mistrust, the abuse and the threats
This love is overflowing, and I have no doubt
Once you feel it, you will understand that you were always part of the plan
Don't doubt who you are, why you were created or what you have to do
You are a part of this community, and for that I am thankful
Your eyes they tell your story
Fleck by fleck, layer by layer I understand
I'm thankful that you are here,
Don't ever give up on who you want to be
Don't let them drag you down, or change your dreams
You were made for great things, and you mean so much
This world needs you, and your creative touch
I want to break down their walls, I want to get to know who they are, how they got in the situations they did, and how I could possibly help them get out of it. But sometimes our role isn't a fixer, or even a listener. Sometimes it is just the role of being present. Being present to get a fresh pillow for someone's head. Being present to fill up the water container so that thirst is quenched. Being present to make sure that everyone can feel safe no matter what their circumstances are.
In the past I know that I have judged, quite harshly in fact. I saw people, dirty, poor and I judged them. I judged them based on my own bias, my own experiences. I judged them because I thought that all they had to do in order to have a place to be, in order to not live life on the streets was find a job, and try really hard.
That's not always the case though, is it? We like to tell other people's stories for them. We like to say if only you do this, or that... then you will find yourself not living life poor, and homeless. You will find yourself successful. We like to think that we know best for everyone, while our own life is falling apart right around us. We like to think that we could never be in that situation. Some of us probably couldn't. I know that it helps me to know that I have people I can turn to, people that would take me in a moment's notice and give me what I needed in order to not have to live on the streets just scraping by. I know that.
I don't know what it is, to look around a room full of people, and truly trust no one. I don't know what it feels like to think that everyone is out to get me. That if I turn my back even for one second the suitcase with all my worldly possessions might be snatched away from me without a moment's notice. I don't know what that is like.
My eyes continue to scan the room, as I observe and do the best I can to be present in these people's lives. To not judge them for the stories that I have yet to learn. To understand them in the best way I can. To cherish the moments when I get to talk about the football game that ended only hours before, or what the Superbowl is going to look like in a couple of weeks. I cherish the moments when someone shows me a little more about the homeless community so that I don't make a complete idiot of myself doing something that I did in ignorance.
I want to see people's stories when I look at them. I want to earn their trust. I don't want to walk around life, not engaging, not feeling, and not loving. But how do I love when I am being held at arm's length. How do I love when I feel like they don't want love back? How do see past the hardness in those eyes, and view the hurt and pain that has caused so much blockage?
I see you, your eyes they tell me a story
One of pain, sadness, and regret
I want you to know that you aren't forgotten
Your story it's important
The flecks of sadness try to stream down
Your face scrunches up, and you look quickly away
I want to reach over and wipe that tear
But I know that my hand might cause more pain
I want you to know that you mean so much
This world it needs you, your creative touch
Our community wouldn't be the same without your presence
Never doubt that you are wanted, needed and loved
It seems like your eyes are full of layers of mistrust
People have let you down more than it seems possible for the short life you have lived
You try your best to put up a fight
But you keep getting dragged down, by the obstacles in each place you step
You feel beaten, abused, mistreated, and unloved
You feel caged, like you will never get a break from the pain
You want to succeed, you try your best to keep running the race
But it seems like someone is always there to trip you and make you fall on your face
I want you to know that you aren't alone
I want you to know that you do have a home
It may not be physical, you might not be able to touch it
But you have a place to be safe and reside while you transition
For love doesn't need four walls and a door
The love that I share is undoubtedly more
It stretches beyond what you can even comprehend
It is bigger and wider than the cot you sleep in
This love it breaks down the walls that you have built
It spans through the mistrust, the abuse and the threats
This love is overflowing, and I have no doubt
Once you feel it, you will understand that you were always part of the plan
Don't doubt who you are, why you were created or what you have to do
You are a part of this community, and for that I am thankful
Your eyes they tell your story
Fleck by fleck, layer by layer I understand
I'm thankful that you are here,
Don't ever give up on who you want to be
Don't let them drag you down, or change your dreams
You were made for great things, and you mean so much
This world needs you, and your creative touch
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Addicted, and what I am doing about it....
I would have never openly admitted that I was addicted to FB. I mean I could control it right? Until that moment when I realized that I couldn't. I think it was when I realized that I was scrolling mindlessly through, or when I was wondering why this person liked that person's status but not mine that I realized I had to do something about it. Then I had a conversation with a co-worker. In that conversation he reminded me just how superficial FB can be. It makes us think that all these people are our friends, that we have these close intimate relationships with 500 some people across the world, when in reality I probably only talk to a handful of them... and some I don't even remember how we became FB friends in the first place.
So I deleted FB. Actually I didn't just delete it, I deactivated it. I will even go so far as to say that I didn't want to do the reactivate in 7 days thing, because I wanted to disappear for a little while. It was about breaking an addiction. I was addicted to checking it. I was addicted to the number of likes I was getting. I was addicted to letting everyone know exactly what I was doing. In some instances it was way too much information.
The best thing I did was deactivate FB. It had become an addiction, even more than that it had become my idol. The thing that I was putting above everything and everyone else. The thing I was going to find my worth and value. It was taking up more than 50% of my time, and if I am actually honest it was taking up more like 95%.
Do you know what happens when you get rid of addiction and idols? You get a clearer picture of the things that you were confused about or trying to understand in your life. When I got rid of FB, I was able to pray a lot more, and hear His voice tell me some things that I needed to hear.
I will admit that I almost replaced the FB addiction with another addiction that is far worse, but they both at the root of the problem stem from wanting attention. Wanting to be loved and valued. Wanting people to like me. So, as I continue to search out ways to get rid of addictions, and idols, I look up, and realize that we all have them. We all are addicted to one thing or another. We all have those go-to's that we can't seem to get rid of.
I think the first step is to acknowledge it though. The first step is to say, this is a problem, and I have to do something about it.
I'm not perfect, and I will never pretend to be. I am sure that there will come a day when I need to deactivate FB again, but for now I look at the other idols in my life that are trying to steal my time. I am honest with myself that there are plenty of them.
I don't want addiction, and idols to hold me back, or cloud my vision for where I am supposed to be. The minute I take my eyes off of my God, that's when I am going to lose His purpose and plan. So, I keep pressing forward, recognizing my weaknesses, and my go-to stress relievers, and I take it one day at a time.
For now I have been released by the hold FB had on me, there is something else I need to be released from, but I realize it is an addiction that has a great hold on me. So, it is going to take a little more time. But I have a God on my side, that won't let me fail. That my friends, is what I put my hope in. I'm never too far removed that He can't grab a hold of me, and lead me through that foggy, unclear mess.
So I deleted FB. Actually I didn't just delete it, I deactivated it. I will even go so far as to say that I didn't want to do the reactivate in 7 days thing, because I wanted to disappear for a little while. It was about breaking an addiction. I was addicted to checking it. I was addicted to the number of likes I was getting. I was addicted to letting everyone know exactly what I was doing. In some instances it was way too much information.
The best thing I did was deactivate FB. It had become an addiction, even more than that it had become my idol. The thing that I was putting above everything and everyone else. The thing I was going to find my worth and value. It was taking up more than 50% of my time, and if I am actually honest it was taking up more like 95%.
Do you know what happens when you get rid of addiction and idols? You get a clearer picture of the things that you were confused about or trying to understand in your life. When I got rid of FB, I was able to pray a lot more, and hear His voice tell me some things that I needed to hear.
I will admit that I almost replaced the FB addiction with another addiction that is far worse, but they both at the root of the problem stem from wanting attention. Wanting to be loved and valued. Wanting people to like me. So, as I continue to search out ways to get rid of addictions, and idols, I look up, and realize that we all have them. We all are addicted to one thing or another. We all have those go-to's that we can't seem to get rid of.
I think the first step is to acknowledge it though. The first step is to say, this is a problem, and I have to do something about it.
I'm not perfect, and I will never pretend to be. I am sure that there will come a day when I need to deactivate FB again, but for now I look at the other idols in my life that are trying to steal my time. I am honest with myself that there are plenty of them.
I don't want addiction, and idols to hold me back, or cloud my vision for where I am supposed to be. The minute I take my eyes off of my God, that's when I am going to lose His purpose and plan. So, I keep pressing forward, recognizing my weaknesses, and my go-to stress relievers, and I take it one day at a time.
For now I have been released by the hold FB had on me, there is something else I need to be released from, but I realize it is an addiction that has a great hold on me. So, it is going to take a little more time. But I have a God on my side, that won't let me fail. That my friends, is what I put my hope in. I'm never too far removed that He can't grab a hold of me, and lead me through that foggy, unclear mess.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Guarding Your Heart.... Research Begins
The past few years, well really if I am honest probably the past 6 years because I didn't even care about starting to date till I hit 30... I mean not really. Anyways.. the past 6ish years I have struggled with guarding my heart, and what that means. I have watched friends get their hearts broken, I have watched marriages of people that I love and admire crumble, and I have seen people so guarded that they can't let anyone in. It seems to me that there is this struggle we have, well maybe I am alone in it. But this struggle between letting someone in enough to know if they belong in our lives, and not letting them in to hurt us, or go beyond where they should.
In some circles it is referred to as "guarding your heart."
I pretty much have heard that term used since I was in the youth group, but I am not sure that I ever really understood what it meant, or even now could put into words what that exactly means to me as a 36 year old, damaged, single woman. How do I guard my heart, but still let people in? Now I am not just talking about romantic feelings here, I mean even friendships, right? Because we have to be able to set boundaries for others. If we don't then people use up all of our energy, time, and leave nothing left behind. I am all for being a loving friend, that is not what I am getting at here. I just think that we have lost what it means to guard your heart. Somehow we have to do better at teaching our kids, ourselves, and our communities this very important concept.
I do think that in part it has to do with boundaries. So... I am setting off on a journey of discovery. I want to learn this year how to guard my heart, and how to teach others how to guard their hearts. How to have healthy boundaries with people, so that I can love them the way they need to be loved. So that I am without a doubt living my most intentional, authentic life.
I don't think it is going to be an easy journey, in fact I think that there are going to be some tough moments, because we all like to think that we have this boundaries/guarding thing under control... when in reality we probably don't at all.
I would love thoughts and input from others. I have a quick survey to get me started, that I would urge you to fill out if you haven't already.... it will help me start this process......
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSe5CG1LAB0DZgqFPKEItCN0Wn7xAEqGM5PgG7jyXFrnHlQ3QA/viewform?usp=sf_link
If you filled the survey out thank you! I appreciate you helping me take another step along this journey....
I am excited to see where it leads me!
In some circles it is referred to as "guarding your heart."
I pretty much have heard that term used since I was in the youth group, but I am not sure that I ever really understood what it meant, or even now could put into words what that exactly means to me as a 36 year old, damaged, single woman. How do I guard my heart, but still let people in? Now I am not just talking about romantic feelings here, I mean even friendships, right? Because we have to be able to set boundaries for others. If we don't then people use up all of our energy, time, and leave nothing left behind. I am all for being a loving friend, that is not what I am getting at here. I just think that we have lost what it means to guard your heart. Somehow we have to do better at teaching our kids, ourselves, and our communities this very important concept.
I do think that in part it has to do with boundaries. So... I am setting off on a journey of discovery. I want to learn this year how to guard my heart, and how to teach others how to guard their hearts. How to have healthy boundaries with people, so that I can love them the way they need to be loved. So that I am without a doubt living my most intentional, authentic life.
I don't think it is going to be an easy journey, in fact I think that there are going to be some tough moments, because we all like to think that we have this boundaries/guarding thing under control... when in reality we probably don't at all.
I would love thoughts and input from others. I have a quick survey to get me started, that I would urge you to fill out if you haven't already.... it will help me start this process......
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSe5CG1LAB0DZgqFPKEItCN0Wn7xAEqGM5PgG7jyXFrnHlQ3QA/viewform?usp=sf_link
If you filled the survey out thank you! I appreciate you helping me take another step along this journey....
I am excited to see where it leads me!
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