I can't believe that another year is coming to an end. Another Thanksgiving passed me by in the blink of an eye. Filled with laughter, good food, and more memories. It seems to me that every year I have more and more to be grateful for. My family, my friends, my adventures, and just being able to work the jobs that I do and support myself. I am thankful for a roof over my head, and a place where I feel safe. Not everyone has that. In the quiet moments when I find myself complaining, or being grumpy, like today... I just want to wake myself up and tell myself to get over it. I get so caught up in the small things that don't matter, that I forget to be thankful for the ones that do.
I am so thankful that I am not stuck in relationships and friendships where I don't feel valued, respected, or loved. Sometimes in life we keep giving, and we only realize that we have given all we can when there is nothing left to give.
This Thanksgiving I was thankful for moments with my family, co-workers and friends that helped me to see the good that is in my life. I don't know what the future holds, I know what my hope for the future is, but I am so thankful for this season.
The sermon last Sunday struck me as the past few have been doing, because it was like the pastor read my journal and then decided to preach straight to my heart. In those moments I get reassurance that God loves me beyond what I even will ever comprehend. He does want His best for me, no matter how much I think I have messed up, or how unworthy I think I am. He wants me to have my heart's desire. I think for the longest time I have just thought that I am past the point of being able to get what I want, because I am so unworthy of having it. I think that I thought that I have just made too many mistakes and I keep on making them, and I will never be deserving of my deepest desires. But the thing is that we are never so far removed that we can't be brought back in. Our choices are what makes us able to kneel once again at His feet, cry tears of repentance and accept those nail scarred hands. I have been making a conscious effort to not give in to temptations, and conversations this week that I know are going to lead me down a path that does nothing but destroy me. Every day I look up and regain my focus. Some days are easier than others.
I want something that I had convinced myself was too good for me to have. I convinced myself that I wasn't worthy to be loved and treated with respect, and so I allowed myself to give in to things that I shouldn't have. I allowed myself to be treated the way I thought I deserved, instead of being treated the way I was created to be. When you examine the depths of your heart, and realize that somewhere along the way you have lost your focus, and lost your self-respect you have to re-examine what it means to live life for Christ. I still feel undeserving most days, but I also feel like this time will be different. I'm not willing to settle for second best, I'm not willing to give in just to be with someone. They are going to have to be so hidden in God that they will have to seek Him just to find me. God's going to have to make it the clearest He ever has in order for me to allow anything but His best for me to come into my heart and life. It's not going to be an easy road, but it is one I am willing to walk down, because the alternative just doesn't have the pull it once did.
In the past couple of days I have had to do a lot of soul searching and forgiving of myself. I have had to give myself the grace that I so often forget to indulge in. I have had to allow myself to know that I am worthy to be loved the way He meant it to happen. I am worthy to know what it is like to have a relationship that is built on the foundation of Christ. Not just in appearances, but in the everyday hum of life's celebrations and disappointments. That's what I want, and I refuse to have anything less than that. But I just have to believe that my God is big enough.
December is almost here, and it makes me realize how self-focused I am most of the time. So, I decided that I am going to go out of my way during the month of December to be focused on putting Jesus above all else. Probably that should be my focus anyways, but I find myself getting distracted by emotions, feelings, hopes, and wanting things that aren't for me to want right now. So for December I focus on giving, not getting. I focus on experiences, not things. I focus on love, and togetherness, instead of constantly pointing out faults and differences.
Maybe life won't slow down much, but at least this last month of 2017 will be unforgettable!
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Friday, November 24, 2017
When Friends Leave
Why do I continue to do these things to myself? I ALWAYS read things the wrong way! It is like I am cursed or something. The only time I don't read things the wrong way is when I shouldn't even be reading them at all. I have pretty much come to this conclusion that I am TOO much for everyone. Like I seriously think there is something really wrong with me. Am I ever going to be loved? Am I really this awful person that isn't capable of meeting someone who wants me and only me? Do I really need to spend my life alone? I mean is that really what I am called to? Aloneness?
Maybe I come on too strong? Maybe I am too much. Anyone that I have ever spent a lot of time with, it seems like has left me, rejected me, or walked away. It seems like maybe I am too much. Maybe there is a reason. Right? Maybe I have done too much, and I don't deserve to be loved. It's too late for me, right?
This all feels too much tonight. I am tired, and hurt, and confused. I hate being confused, and I hate feeling like I did something wrong, when I don't even know what it was.
Ugh.
Maybe I come on too strong? Maybe I am too much. Anyone that I have ever spent a lot of time with, it seems like has left me, rejected me, or walked away. It seems like maybe I am too much. Maybe there is a reason. Right? Maybe I have done too much, and I don't deserve to be loved. It's too late for me, right?
This all feels too much tonight. I am tired, and hurt, and confused. I hate being confused, and I hate feeling like I did something wrong, when I don't even know what it was.
Ugh.
Boundaries....
Sometimes I think that if I had learned better boundaries, I wouldn't be in the mess I am in, and have been in as I wade through life. We have to have boundaries with people. We have to be willing to say this is okay, and that isn't okay in life. I was talking with a friend the other night, and discussing how as we are growing up we learn that the Christian thing to do, is to always forgive. That we have to forgive 70 X 7. Right? Isn't that what you grew up learning? I did too. I grew up thinking that the minute I told someone no, or didn't allow someone to continue to treat me in an unkind way I wasn't doing my Christian "duty." I grew up thinking that I had to put everyone above myself no matter what. I had to sacrifice my own happiness for other people. This has led to people pleasing, and never really being able to say no. This has led to someone that goes out of her way to make sure that other people are comfortable, to give even when I honestly do not have the time or money, and to let my heart get broken over and over again.
But the thing is that sometimes we have to put up boundaries. I am not talking about walls. Walls aren't what God calls us to. He wants us to connect in ways that tear down our walls, but we still have to be able to protect ourselves, and not allow people to continue to hurt us over and over again. One of my greatest weaknesses is letting people in and then allowing them to hurt my core. I take their communication with me, or interest in me to heart, and allow it to determine my worth. Rejection is a thing that I honestly have the hardest time with. Comparing myself to others, and allowing myself to feel rejected at the slightest change in someone else's behavior or friendship.
I read into behavior and I give until my giving seems to push people away. I know that I am sometimes too needy, that I want too much, and that I can be super sarcastic which is sometimes too much. I am sometimes too much.
How do I love the way I have been called to, but also have boundaries? Boundaries that will allow me to not see something as more than friendship, when that's all it is. Boundaries that will help me to not overshare information that could one day be used against me. Boundaries that will help me to be the person I should be to lift others up, instead of pushing them away. Boundaries that will help me to see someone the way Jesus does, instead of comparing my every weakness to theirs. Boundaries that will lead to me understanding others, and focusing on them, but also knowing that I have to take care of myself.
In sacrificing for others, are we called to give up who we are and how we feel? Are we called to let down every wall, and not have boundaries? Do we just keep letting people in, even though they continue to hurt us, and not put us a priority sometimes? I think that the answer is no. In order too live a life that is full of love, we have to be willing to sometimes let people know what the boundaries are. I am not going to allow myself to have a broken heart because you want to lead me on, or send me mixed messages. I am not going to allow myself to keep getting damaged because you want to pop in and out of my life whenever you feel like it.
Boundaries are hard for me, but when I think about how to live my life in a healthy, positive way, I know that I need them. I need them so that I don't look at things in the way in which they shouldn't be looked at. I need them so that my heart doesn't continue to be broken. Most importantly I need them so that I can spread love the way I should. It's hard, and I won't ever get it right, but I am going to keep trying.
Monday, November 20, 2017
Why Marriage Sermons Usually Turn Me Off
I'll let you in on a little secret that you might not already know. The majority of the world is married. It is true, and it didn't used to bother me at all. I was the girl that was going to college to get a degree, and travel the world, sharing God's love. I didn't actually care too much about getting married. I mean if I am perfectly honest, I think that I thought it would just happen, that one day I would just look up and my prince would be riding in on a white stallion, and beckon me to come do missions with him, or whatever was my current life goal at that time. I definitely had crushes throughout high school and college, but nothing that was profound enough to turn my heart away from what I felt called to do. Then, I turned 30, and I no longer felt like I could just be nonchalant about marriage. I had to focus on it. That's all the church talked about, that's all people my age talked about. My friends were definitely starting to get married by this point, and I felt the pressure of needing to be married.
So I started really seriously dating at this point, and not making the best of choices. I wasn't really sticking to the values that I had held onto when I was younger. Even in my late 20's, I was set on holding tight to certain values that as soon as I hit 30, it was like I just gave up. Along with that I felt like the church and my family kind of gave up on me too. Maybe it was my life overseas, maybe it was that I was opinionated, maybe it was that I didn't fit the perfect mold of what a woman should look like. But for whatever reason, I wasn't married, and there weren't any real prospects either.
That's when I started noticing this trend in the church. Sermons about marriage. Ugh. Or sermons that only mentioned married people. It is very few churches that I have found that include the single population when they are preaching. I even went to a women's conference not too long ago where one of the speakers that I highly admire, said something like "one day when my babies get married." It just struck me super hard, because what if they don't? Right? We as a culture, especially as a Christian culture have created this place where singles are seen as less than. You can say it isn't true, but it is. If you think about the way that you treat singles, it is to put them aside, and give them all the things that the "families" can't do. So, it doesn't really surprise me that every time a sermon would be about marriage, or even remotely relate to it in some way I closed myself off. Not because I didn't one day want to be married, because that is a desire that is deep inside of me, and probably won't ever leave. No, I closed myself off because it was easier than opening myself up to the hurt and pain of feeling the hole, or feeling less than that those sermons usually left me with.
This past Sunday for the first time in my life I heard a sermon about marriage and what can kill a marriage and it penetrated my heart. It made me examine who I am as a woman, a future (hopefully) wife, and mother, and I honestly learned so much from it. I can't say that I will use everything from it, but it didn't make me cringe, it didn't make me feel like I should have skipped out on church that Sunday. It made me understand that I want that even more. The hard times, the sacrificial love, the devotion to someone outside of myself. Those are all things that I want. But you know what it made me realize even more? It made me realize that our culture's idea of marriage is so messed up. Oh, I am sure that I have heard it before, but for some reason this time, it really hit me. First of all coming from a home of divorced parents. I know exactly what it feels like to have your family change your senior year of high school. I know what it looks like to understand that things don't always work out. I understand what it means to know God's grace.
So, for the first time in my life I listened intently. I grasped the words, and I understood how God uses marriage, even broken ones to show us sacrificial and undeniable love. I think that we oftentimes just get caught up in the wants and needs of ourselves that we forget about the people around us. We look at the greener grass on the other side and we wish that we could be there experiencing that, not really caring about how hard or long the journey might be. I am not sure that there is too much more that I learned from the sermon, other than to know that God made marriage. There was a time in my life when I thought that it didn't matter. I thought that if God truly wanted marriage to be something that we did, then shouldn't He make it possible for everyone?
Here's the thing though. I have learned things in my 36 years of singleness that I could have never learned if I had married right out of high school or college. I have seen places, and met people. That doesn't make me less than, and that also doesn't mean that I am supposed to be single forever. What it does mean though is that I have to take what God has taught me, and continue to use it to be molded into someone that is able to love without holding back. To be able to put a husband first. Sermons about marriage don't have to show me what I am missing, they can lead me to who I need to be, so that one day I will be able to love with everything I have, and learn things that I wasn't able to learn being single.
So I started really seriously dating at this point, and not making the best of choices. I wasn't really sticking to the values that I had held onto when I was younger. Even in my late 20's, I was set on holding tight to certain values that as soon as I hit 30, it was like I just gave up. Along with that I felt like the church and my family kind of gave up on me too. Maybe it was my life overseas, maybe it was that I was opinionated, maybe it was that I didn't fit the perfect mold of what a woman should look like. But for whatever reason, I wasn't married, and there weren't any real prospects either.
That's when I started noticing this trend in the church. Sermons about marriage. Ugh. Or sermons that only mentioned married people. It is very few churches that I have found that include the single population when they are preaching. I even went to a women's conference not too long ago where one of the speakers that I highly admire, said something like "one day when my babies get married." It just struck me super hard, because what if they don't? Right? We as a culture, especially as a Christian culture have created this place where singles are seen as less than. You can say it isn't true, but it is. If you think about the way that you treat singles, it is to put them aside, and give them all the things that the "families" can't do. So, it doesn't really surprise me that every time a sermon would be about marriage, or even remotely relate to it in some way I closed myself off. Not because I didn't one day want to be married, because that is a desire that is deep inside of me, and probably won't ever leave. No, I closed myself off because it was easier than opening myself up to the hurt and pain of feeling the hole, or feeling less than that those sermons usually left me with.
This past Sunday for the first time in my life I heard a sermon about marriage and what can kill a marriage and it penetrated my heart. It made me examine who I am as a woman, a future (hopefully) wife, and mother, and I honestly learned so much from it. I can't say that I will use everything from it, but it didn't make me cringe, it didn't make me feel like I should have skipped out on church that Sunday. It made me understand that I want that even more. The hard times, the sacrificial love, the devotion to someone outside of myself. Those are all things that I want. But you know what it made me realize even more? It made me realize that our culture's idea of marriage is so messed up. Oh, I am sure that I have heard it before, but for some reason this time, it really hit me. First of all coming from a home of divorced parents. I know exactly what it feels like to have your family change your senior year of high school. I know what it looks like to understand that things don't always work out. I understand what it means to know God's grace.
So, for the first time in my life I listened intently. I grasped the words, and I understood how God uses marriage, even broken ones to show us sacrificial and undeniable love. I think that we oftentimes just get caught up in the wants and needs of ourselves that we forget about the people around us. We look at the greener grass on the other side and we wish that we could be there experiencing that, not really caring about how hard or long the journey might be. I am not sure that there is too much more that I learned from the sermon, other than to know that God made marriage. There was a time in my life when I thought that it didn't matter. I thought that if God truly wanted marriage to be something that we did, then shouldn't He make it possible for everyone?
Here's the thing though. I have learned things in my 36 years of singleness that I could have never learned if I had married right out of high school or college. I have seen places, and met people. That doesn't make me less than, and that also doesn't mean that I am supposed to be single forever. What it does mean though is that I have to take what God has taught me, and continue to use it to be molded into someone that is able to love without holding back. To be able to put a husband first. Sermons about marriage don't have to show me what I am missing, they can lead me to who I need to be, so that one day I will be able to love with everything I have, and learn things that I wasn't able to learn being single.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Waiting...
There aren't a lot of times when it is clear to me that God is asking me to wait. Most of the time it probably should be clear, but I just ignore the signs. This time though, God has been pretty clear. I was looking through my journaling from a couple of years ago at this time. It was a time in my life when I was seeking out some direction about a specific situation, and I felt like God was telling me to wait. Instead of waiting though, I think I just kept trying to make this thing happen that I wanted to happen. Instead of waiting for God's timing I just kept pushing, and reading into things, that really if I would have just waited it would have gone a lot smoother, and might not have had the outcome that it did.
So, here I am two years later, in a similar situation, except for this time I know that I need to wait. Why is it that when feelings and emotions are involved we want to jump in head first instead of taking the time to pray and know that it is the right thing? For me it is a lack of self-control, patience, and trust. I know that I want to trust God with my life, with my desires, and with my future. But there is this part of me that doesn't trust Him to fulfill everything I want Him to. There is a part of me that gets lost in the need for things to happen in my time instead of His.
It is hard though, right? It is hard because we are human and waiting is not a fun thing to do, especially when it seems like this thing if it would happen would totally be the right thing. But what if I need more time, or the situation needs more time? What if the person that I need to become is going to be the person that would be better in this situation? I have to believe that the waiting is molding me and making me into who I need to be for that given moment of time. I have to believe that when it is time, then I will know it.
So, I wait. It is not an easy thing to do everyday, and I know that I don't always wait with perfect patience or peace, but it does help to know that He's got me. He knows my heart, my circumstances, and the desires that play into who I am and who He created me to be. Sometimes we don't even know what we truly want without time. Sometimes we get lost in trying to decipher this or that, when really it is just about kneeling at the cross, and being willing to do whatever it takes to wait for His timing.
Verses that help me wait:
Psalm 27:13-14
Psalm 37:34
Isaiah 30:18
Romans 12:12
So, here I am two years later, in a similar situation, except for this time I know that I need to wait. Why is it that when feelings and emotions are involved we want to jump in head first instead of taking the time to pray and know that it is the right thing? For me it is a lack of self-control, patience, and trust. I know that I want to trust God with my life, with my desires, and with my future. But there is this part of me that doesn't trust Him to fulfill everything I want Him to. There is a part of me that gets lost in the need for things to happen in my time instead of His.
It is hard though, right? It is hard because we are human and waiting is not a fun thing to do, especially when it seems like this thing if it would happen would totally be the right thing. But what if I need more time, or the situation needs more time? What if the person that I need to become is going to be the person that would be better in this situation? I have to believe that the waiting is molding me and making me into who I need to be for that given moment of time. I have to believe that when it is time, then I will know it.
So, I wait. It is not an easy thing to do everyday, and I know that I don't always wait with perfect patience or peace, but it does help to know that He's got me. He knows my heart, my circumstances, and the desires that play into who I am and who He created me to be. Sometimes we don't even know what we truly want without time. Sometimes we get lost in trying to decipher this or that, when really it is just about kneeling at the cross, and being willing to do whatever it takes to wait for His timing.
Verses that help me wait:
Psalm 27:13-14
Psalm 37:34
Isaiah 30:18
Romans 12:12
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Shaped by What I Love
Most of the time Sunday morning sermons have a way of speaking straight to my heart about what I am going through. On a rare occasion they dig deep into my soul, and wake me up from the awful path I am about to step onto. Today was one of those Sundays. Whew! When you get spoken to on such a specific level, in such a way that you have no doubt the words were to steer you away from the direction you were going... well you have to listen, don't you?
The other night I had a little too much wine, I was feeling sorry for myself, and I also was tired. I was tired of always trying to do the right thing, and then not getting what I felt like I wanted in return. I was feeling pretty entitled when it came to God. You see it was more of this if God is not going to give me what I want, then why should I worry about obeying the rules? Or why should I care about what I am doing with my life? If I am going to spend my life without a husband, then why not just give in to desires? What does it matter anyways? I have spent a lot of my life focused on doing right, and good... don't I deserve to have my dreams fulfilled? If they aren't going to be fulfilled the way I want them to, then I am just going to try to substitute for something that will fill the hole for a little while.
I was playing the it's not fair game a lot Friday night. Maybe you know it.... "It's not fair that this person or that person has been married two times, and has 3 kids, and I don't have any of that. It's not fair that that person has spent their life not following God, and they have everything they have ever wanted, a family and kids, and a great job. It's not fair!" Trust me about 1/2 bottle in, this conversation was pretty one sided, and pretty whiny. It was also pretty self-focused.
Conversations with people, and sermons have a way of pointing me back to where I need to be. I feel like I had a couple conversations this weekend that directed me to focus more on God, and less on myself. But actually that's not true, because in focusing on God I realize more of the weaknesses I hold, and the things I need to change about myself.
So, I am sitting in church today, and what do you think the sermon is on? Being shaped by what we love. Talking about how we love the lesser things more, and the greater things less. That was the first time that I was shaken a little. Of course my focus, especially the other night when I made this decision to just give in to things, because it is easier that way. Definitely I was loving the lesser more than the greater. I was letting that desire be what rules my life.
I am also having a really hard time finding my way in the current world we live in. Not being so focused on this world, yet knowing that my job here is to be His, and seek goodness. How am I going to seek goodness, if I don't truly understand what Jesus' goodness looks like? It is such a confusing way to live. Maybe I don't have enough that I am adamant about? Maybe my need to offend no one is actually harming my voice of love for others? I don't necessarily think that the sermon today was something that is going to help me understand this, but it did spur me down the path of thinking about this more.
Jesus lived the authority of the Bible, but I don't know that I have been living that. I don't know that my life truly shows the authority of the Bible. How do I live that out without becoming a pharisee, or a hypocrite? How do I portray the loving kind of righteousness? The Jesus kind of righteousness without turning everyone away from God? Is there even a way to do that?
One of the things that was said today is that "Righteousness is what your life looks like when you are living in God's kingdom."
To me living in God's Kingdom means being more involved in His word than other things. My desire is to know Him more. My desire is to not mess up this life too badly. My desire is to constantly know how I need to change in order to love Him with all my heart. So as I take a deep breath, and understand how He wants to change me, I open up my heart and mind to people that I need to learn from. I dive into things and community that are going to bring me closer to Him, instead of farther away. I try to say no to the things that cause me to be living in the world's Kingdom, instead of God's. It's a journey and I know that, but I truly hope that my life is shaped by His focus, rather than my own.
The other night I had a little too much wine, I was feeling sorry for myself, and I also was tired. I was tired of always trying to do the right thing, and then not getting what I felt like I wanted in return. I was feeling pretty entitled when it came to God. You see it was more of this if God is not going to give me what I want, then why should I worry about obeying the rules? Or why should I care about what I am doing with my life? If I am going to spend my life without a husband, then why not just give in to desires? What does it matter anyways? I have spent a lot of my life focused on doing right, and good... don't I deserve to have my dreams fulfilled? If they aren't going to be fulfilled the way I want them to, then I am just going to try to substitute for something that will fill the hole for a little while.
I was playing the it's not fair game a lot Friday night. Maybe you know it.... "It's not fair that this person or that person has been married two times, and has 3 kids, and I don't have any of that. It's not fair that that person has spent their life not following God, and they have everything they have ever wanted, a family and kids, and a great job. It's not fair!" Trust me about 1/2 bottle in, this conversation was pretty one sided, and pretty whiny. It was also pretty self-focused.
Conversations with people, and sermons have a way of pointing me back to where I need to be. I feel like I had a couple conversations this weekend that directed me to focus more on God, and less on myself. But actually that's not true, because in focusing on God I realize more of the weaknesses I hold, and the things I need to change about myself.
So, I am sitting in church today, and what do you think the sermon is on? Being shaped by what we love. Talking about how we love the lesser things more, and the greater things less. That was the first time that I was shaken a little. Of course my focus, especially the other night when I made this decision to just give in to things, because it is easier that way. Definitely I was loving the lesser more than the greater. I was letting that desire be what rules my life.
I am also having a really hard time finding my way in the current world we live in. Not being so focused on this world, yet knowing that my job here is to be His, and seek goodness. How am I going to seek goodness, if I don't truly understand what Jesus' goodness looks like? It is such a confusing way to live. Maybe I don't have enough that I am adamant about? Maybe my need to offend no one is actually harming my voice of love for others? I don't necessarily think that the sermon today was something that is going to help me understand this, but it did spur me down the path of thinking about this more.
Jesus lived the authority of the Bible, but I don't know that I have been living that. I don't know that my life truly shows the authority of the Bible. How do I live that out without becoming a pharisee, or a hypocrite? How do I portray the loving kind of righteousness? The Jesus kind of righteousness without turning everyone away from God? Is there even a way to do that?
One of the things that was said today is that "Righteousness is what your life looks like when you are living in God's kingdom."
To me living in God's Kingdom means being more involved in His word than other things. My desire is to know Him more. My desire is to not mess up this life too badly. My desire is to constantly know how I need to change in order to love Him with all my heart. So as I take a deep breath, and understand how He wants to change me, I open up my heart and mind to people that I need to learn from. I dive into things and community that are going to bring me closer to Him, instead of farther away. I try to say no to the things that cause me to be living in the world's Kingdom, instead of God's. It's a journey and I know that, but I truly hope that my life is shaped by His focus, rather than my own.
Friday, November 10, 2017
Would I be Missed?
Do you ever wonder if you would be missed? Do you feel like you are always the one making the effort in friendships? Like what if I just stopped calling or texting, would anyone even notice that they hadn't talked to me for awhile? Or would it literally be months before I would hear anything from them? I've had best friends before, friends that I was able to call on any given day, at any given time and they would drop everything to hang out with me. There are people that I would, and have done that for. There are people in my life that I thought would do that for me, but I am not so sure anymore. Maybe I am too needy, too damaged, too much. Maybe I am too selfish, too dramatic, too outspoken. Maybe I am not conservative enough, or too conservative? Maybe I don't leave an impression on anyone's life. Maybe if I stop making the effort, I will just be someone they knew once. Maybe my life doesn't actually matter that much. What good am I doing? I'm not really sure. I feel pretty disposable at the moment. Maybe I am just that person that comes into people's lives for seasons, and never really stays. As hard as that is for me to admit, it feels more and more true everyday. One day I hope that someone comes into my life, and looks me in the face and tells me how important I am to them. So important that they always want me in their life. One day I hope that happens, the hope of that happening is starting to be less and less everyday. I like someone who doesn't like me back, once again. It is hard, it is messy and it sucks. But you know what, it's okay. Tonight is just a rough night, and I will feel better tomorrow. But, for now I am going to put a lot less effort in, because I am tired of being the girl that always calls or texts first. One day I want to be the one that is chased after. Or at least is treated with value and worth.
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