Tonight I deleted the FB App, IG App, and Tinder App from my phone. Yes I have been dappling in Tinder for about a month now. It has had its good times, and not so good times. Last night I wrote this blog about the desires of my heart, and how I just feel this hole not being filled because I am single and childless. Then today it was like God met me exactly where I needed Him to. He spoke straight to that blog, straight to my uncertainties, and you know what His answer was? His answer was that I had lost my focus. Now, please do not misunderstand. Last night I felt every singe word of what I wrote, and tonight I don't feel like it was a mistake or those feelings are invalid. I just feel like God showed me exactly what was happening.
I was allowing my giants to be bigger than my God. I was seriously allowing myself to focus on all the bad. I was allowing myself to go down this path of longing and searching for something that just isn't where my focus should be. I don't believe that at this time God has taken the marriage/kids desire away from me, but He reminded me of what I am here for. He reminded me that when I look at what I don't have, instead of what I do, then I cease to worship Him in the way that He wants me to.
I have made so many mistakes in the past month. Tonight I went to the Instrumental Praise performance at church and I just cried. I cried because I am so unworthy of all that I have. I cried because I have been so focused on myself, and what I want that I have allowed myself to give in to things that I shouldn't have. I cried because I haven't loved the way I need to, but I also cried because God sees all of that. He sees every single step that I have taken away from Him, and He still opens His arms back up for me to run into.
Do you ever get so focused on expectations of others, that you forget truths of who you are. Those tears were for that reason tonight. The rejection and pain of never being enough. It cuts so deep sometimes that I allow that pain, that rejection to be what defines me. Tears they aren't always about weakness. Sometimes tears help you find your strength. As I listened and watched tonight I just cried. I cried because I have chosen to look around, instead of up. I have chosen to waste time on social media, and chasing people that obviously don't want me in their lives. I have chosen to put those people before my God.
We lose focus a lot. Especially when that certain person gets a hold of us. They come into our lives like a freight train, trying to run us over. It isn't always a relationship, it sometimes is just someone that you connect with on this level that you didn't even know you had. Then before you know it, they are the ones you are focusing on instead of God. Wondering if they value you as much as you value them, and then you are so focused on that you forget that your purpose is to share Him with the world.
You start making excuses of why it is more important to open that FB app, then sit down and open your Bible. You start to check Tinder more often than you are connecting with God. Swiping right or left, instead of silently taking those minutes to pray for whoever God has for you. Now I don't think there is anything wrong with swiping right or left, but if that is becoming my giant. If that is becoming my hurdle that is keeping me away from where God wants me, then it isn't what I should be doing.
So tonight as I worshiped, and cried, and opened up my heart to what God wants. I realized that He wants my focus. He doesn't just want it in the spare moments of time that I choose to give it to Him. He wants my social media focus. He wants me to long for news from Him, the way I long for my phone to chime saying I have a new message. So until my longing for God matches my longing to know the latest FB gossip, I am going to stay off of it for awhile.
I will probably fail a couple of times, but the beauty in failing is that He is there to catch me when I fall. He is there to knock those giants down, and He will never cease to be there to let me back in His arms when I look up and remember the truths of whose I am.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxpVkbikDVQ
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Saturday, November 4, 2017
The Girl Next Door
It seems here lately that I find myself writing a lot about singleness. Sometimes I feel like I need to just let it go, and be okay with where I am and move forward. Then there are other times when I realize that this is my story right now. This is where I am, this is what I am dealing with, and it is okay if the best way for me to get through it is to write about it. So, if you are not wanting to read a blog about some of my latest thoughts on this subject, then probably don't read any further. Most of us write about what is going on in our lives. Whether that is singleness, the loss of a relationship, infertility, or just major life challenges. The weird thing to me is that we all seem to try to give advice, right? We have some sort of advice to give on every single problem that someone is facing. Married people, love to give advice to single people. People with kids love to give advice to those trying to be parents. It is what we do. So, for a moment just imagine a world in which we listen to understand what the person is saying, instead of listening to respond and tell the person what to do.
I had a wonderful day today, and usually at the end of wonderful days I have a lot of feelings and emotions that come out. I am not actually sure why it happens that way, but it does. I find myself thinking through a lot of things, and contemplating life choices. Maybe God uses my full days to help me work through tough things, because on my not so full days, I can't always handle them. Maybe?
For pretty much my whole life I have been the girl next door. Not the cute, pretty one, that was always getting asked out, but the one that everyone turns to when they need a friend, or they need someone to go out of their way to lend a hand. I am that girl that would bend over backwards for someone no matter what because they are my friend. Sometimes this causes me to read too much into friendships. Sometimes it causes men to see me as a friend and nothing else. Actually a lot of times it does. It is hard being the girl next door. It is hard never being seen as someone worthy of being chased, pursued, and loved by a man without them wanting something in return. Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to feel, when we don't know for sure that there will be feelings back? Why are there so many decent, single, human beings in the world longing for relationships that they aren't able to find?
I'm struggling right now to understand this. I am struggling to understand how my desires to get married and have kids just have to be pushed aside, because it is not the right "timing." I chose to move overseas. I chose to live life in far away lands, but was it at the expense of never getting married and having kids? I chose to live a life that was focused on God, and doing what I thought I should, and in some ways I feel like I am constantly being punished for that because I don't have a family to call my own.
I don't know what it is like to lose the love of my life. I don't know what it is like to have someone that I thought I was going to spend my entire earthly life with, walk out the door. I don't know that heartache, because I have never had the chance to even feel it (and that's not a bad thing). Because I am 36, single and kid-less, does that mean that I have missed out on that portion of my life?
I know, I know what so many people are going to say. It's God's timing... He's teaching you something through this. I'm going to say, I have no doubt about that. I know He is teaching me a lot, but I also know the longing I feel isn't going away. Is there always going to be this constant ache, this void that never gets filled? It hurts, it's painful, and please don't write it off as something that I should just get over.
I am fine being the girl next door. Because you know what? That girl, she won't fail you. That girl, she is always going to be a listening ear. She is always going to let you pretty much walk all over her, because she loves hard. That girl, she is strong, and courageous, because she has been hurt. She has been hurt by never being the one. She has been hurt by those that look right through her. She has been hurt by those that want to tell her it is much better to stay single. That her life means something, maybe just not as much as a single mother's life, or a family of seven's life. But her life does mean something.
Those may be the words that are spoken, to her, but those aren't the words that are spoken about her. When she turns around and walks away after pouring out her heart to her married for 25 years with 3 kids friend. Those aren't the words spoken about her when she says that she doesn't have time to volunteer for the latest church function. When the mother with 3 kids is looking at her like, "what do you even have going on." Those aren't the words spoken when a friend talks to her husband about her husband's single friend and how they would be perfect for each other.
Singleness isn't something to be fixed, yet we all act like it is. It feels like a sick brokenness that is unable to be healed except by marriage. Not just any marriage, but marriage to this one person that is your soulmate. Isn't that what we have taught our daughters and sons to believe? Isn't that what we have allowed ourselves to believe? We tell them that they are not complete without someone else. We teach them that God created us for a partnership with one other person. Then they grow up, and don't find that fairy-tale. Or they grow up thinking that they have to have the perfect trophy wife/husband, when really who they need is someone that strengthens them and challenges them to grow closer to God everyday.
I don't actually know the answer, but I know that there is a void in me that many people will tell me I am trying to fill with other things. I know that. I don't need judgement, or advice. I just need understanding, and compassion. We all have our things, right? We all have those things that draw us away from God. Those things that try to steal our joy, and peace. We all have our crutches.
Sometimes my faith in God comes easy, and I have no problem believing that the desire for marriage and children is going to be filled. But others, like today I just can't wrap my mind around why me and so many others are walking around alone in a world full of people! Faith doesn't mean never having any doubts. I think that my faith is strengthened by my doubts. So I keep doubting. I keep looking forward, and loving those around me.
I embrace the girl next door, because after all she is who I feel like God has called me to be for this time. The girl that is there for those around her. She is willing to give up time, money, or whatever it takes to show people they are loved. Sometimes that means she loves too hard. Sometimes that means that she makes mistakes, and has to apologize. Sometimes that means she leaves a conversation not knowing where she stands, or what she even feels. But mostly it means that she keeps walking down the path of faith. Mostly it means that she never gives up, and keeps trying to be exactly where God wants her to be. Sometimes that means that she gets hurt, she gets her heart broken, and she doesn't find the love that she is searching for. But in the midst of that heartache, she grows in His strength and love, she deepens her understanding of what it means to walk by faith, and believe in things that she has yet to see.
I had a wonderful day today, and usually at the end of wonderful days I have a lot of feelings and emotions that come out. I am not actually sure why it happens that way, but it does. I find myself thinking through a lot of things, and contemplating life choices. Maybe God uses my full days to help me work through tough things, because on my not so full days, I can't always handle them. Maybe?
For pretty much my whole life I have been the girl next door. Not the cute, pretty one, that was always getting asked out, but the one that everyone turns to when they need a friend, or they need someone to go out of their way to lend a hand. I am that girl that would bend over backwards for someone no matter what because they are my friend. Sometimes this causes me to read too much into friendships. Sometimes it causes men to see me as a friend and nothing else. Actually a lot of times it does. It is hard being the girl next door. It is hard never being seen as someone worthy of being chased, pursued, and loved by a man without them wanting something in return. Why do we do it to ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to feel, when we don't know for sure that there will be feelings back? Why are there so many decent, single, human beings in the world longing for relationships that they aren't able to find?
I'm struggling right now to understand this. I am struggling to understand how my desires to get married and have kids just have to be pushed aside, because it is not the right "timing." I chose to move overseas. I chose to live life in far away lands, but was it at the expense of never getting married and having kids? I chose to live a life that was focused on God, and doing what I thought I should, and in some ways I feel like I am constantly being punished for that because I don't have a family to call my own.
I don't know what it is like to lose the love of my life. I don't know what it is like to have someone that I thought I was going to spend my entire earthly life with, walk out the door. I don't know that heartache, because I have never had the chance to even feel it (and that's not a bad thing). Because I am 36, single and kid-less, does that mean that I have missed out on that portion of my life?
I know, I know what so many people are going to say. It's God's timing... He's teaching you something through this. I'm going to say, I have no doubt about that. I know He is teaching me a lot, but I also know the longing I feel isn't going away. Is there always going to be this constant ache, this void that never gets filled? It hurts, it's painful, and please don't write it off as something that I should just get over.
I am fine being the girl next door. Because you know what? That girl, she won't fail you. That girl, she is always going to be a listening ear. She is always going to let you pretty much walk all over her, because she loves hard. That girl, she is strong, and courageous, because she has been hurt. She has been hurt by never being the one. She has been hurt by those that look right through her. She has been hurt by those that want to tell her it is much better to stay single. That her life means something, maybe just not as much as a single mother's life, or a family of seven's life. But her life does mean something.
Those may be the words that are spoken, to her, but those aren't the words that are spoken about her. When she turns around and walks away after pouring out her heart to her married for 25 years with 3 kids friend. Those aren't the words spoken about her when she says that she doesn't have time to volunteer for the latest church function. When the mother with 3 kids is looking at her like, "what do you even have going on." Those aren't the words spoken when a friend talks to her husband about her husband's single friend and how they would be perfect for each other.
Singleness isn't something to be fixed, yet we all act like it is. It feels like a sick brokenness that is unable to be healed except by marriage. Not just any marriage, but marriage to this one person that is your soulmate. Isn't that what we have taught our daughters and sons to believe? Isn't that what we have allowed ourselves to believe? We tell them that they are not complete without someone else. We teach them that God created us for a partnership with one other person. Then they grow up, and don't find that fairy-tale. Or they grow up thinking that they have to have the perfect trophy wife/husband, when really who they need is someone that strengthens them and challenges them to grow closer to God everyday.
I don't actually know the answer, but I know that there is a void in me that many people will tell me I am trying to fill with other things. I know that. I don't need judgement, or advice. I just need understanding, and compassion. We all have our things, right? We all have those things that draw us away from God. Those things that try to steal our joy, and peace. We all have our crutches.
Sometimes my faith in God comes easy, and I have no problem believing that the desire for marriage and children is going to be filled. But others, like today I just can't wrap my mind around why me and so many others are walking around alone in a world full of people! Faith doesn't mean never having any doubts. I think that my faith is strengthened by my doubts. So I keep doubting. I keep looking forward, and loving those around me.
I embrace the girl next door, because after all she is who I feel like God has called me to be for this time. The girl that is there for those around her. She is willing to give up time, money, or whatever it takes to show people they are loved. Sometimes that means she loves too hard. Sometimes that means that she makes mistakes, and has to apologize. Sometimes that means she leaves a conversation not knowing where she stands, or what she even feels. But mostly it means that she keeps walking down the path of faith. Mostly it means that she never gives up, and keeps trying to be exactly where God wants her to be. Sometimes that means that she gets hurt, she gets her heart broken, and she doesn't find the love that she is searching for. But in the midst of that heartache, she grows in His strength and love, she deepens her understanding of what it means to walk by faith, and believe in things that she has yet to see.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
The Unexpected...
Do you ever get so caught up in thinking that all people are the same that you just lump people together that have similar views, and write them off. I admit that I have done that in the past couple of months. Someone in particular gave me a bad taste for those that don't think the way I do, and I kind of just started putting everyone with similar views in the same category. It wasn't even something that I was trying to do, or even knew I was doing until the other day. Then I realized that I had closed the door on something because of this lumping that was happening.
We live in a world with so many different views. There are conservative people, liberal people, in between people, those that believe in God, those that don't believe in God, those that preach God with the highest form of volume, and those that softly sing His praises. It is so hard to know and understand exactly where we fit in and how to keep living life without lumping people together.
I never want to be a lumper (yes I realize that's not an actual word). I never want to see people with similar views and just pretend that I know everything about them, because I don't. I don't truly know their hearts, until I sit down and have a conversation with them, even then it isn't for me to judge them. I can try my hardest to speak love and truth.
There are a couple of people (okay more than a couple) in my life that have very different views than I do. We have the most important things in common, but when it comes to some of the nitty gritty that we all feel passionately about we don't see eye to eye at all. About 5 months ago I met someone that couldn't ever be wrong. It was an awful experience one in which I was determined that I could never possibly engage myself with people that didn't have similar thoughts on life, government, politics, and religion as myself. Because this person could never see things from anyone else's viewpoint. That's an awful place to live if you ask me.
God started changing me like He often does. In the past couple of months He has started showing me that maybe some things I think, are not as concrete as I would like them to be, and maybe I don't need to think that every conservative person is as hard-hearted as I thought. Maybe there is a common ground, and maybe I could start opening myself up to that in ways that I had closed myself off before.
When we lump people together we lose out, because we cease to see them as the individual creation that God chose them to be. We instead see them as this big puzzle instead of just seeing the piece that makes up part of the picture. When we lump people together we lose part of the grace and mercy that makes God who He is. When we lump people together we miss out on having them woven into the fabric of our lives.
So, here is to letting in those people that I don't always agree with. Here is to opening up my eyes to learn and grow from those that don't see things the way I do. Here is to breaking down walls, and not lumping everyone in the same category because categories aren't what defines us. Here is to leaving behind preconceived notions and opening up to new experiences and risks.
Embracing the unexpected....
We live in a world with so many different views. There are conservative people, liberal people, in between people, those that believe in God, those that don't believe in God, those that preach God with the highest form of volume, and those that softly sing His praises. It is so hard to know and understand exactly where we fit in and how to keep living life without lumping people together.
I never want to be a lumper (yes I realize that's not an actual word). I never want to see people with similar views and just pretend that I know everything about them, because I don't. I don't truly know their hearts, until I sit down and have a conversation with them, even then it isn't for me to judge them. I can try my hardest to speak love and truth.
There are a couple of people (okay more than a couple) in my life that have very different views than I do. We have the most important things in common, but when it comes to some of the nitty gritty that we all feel passionately about we don't see eye to eye at all. About 5 months ago I met someone that couldn't ever be wrong. It was an awful experience one in which I was determined that I could never possibly engage myself with people that didn't have similar thoughts on life, government, politics, and religion as myself. Because this person could never see things from anyone else's viewpoint. That's an awful place to live if you ask me.
God started changing me like He often does. In the past couple of months He has started showing me that maybe some things I think, are not as concrete as I would like them to be, and maybe I don't need to think that every conservative person is as hard-hearted as I thought. Maybe there is a common ground, and maybe I could start opening myself up to that in ways that I had closed myself off before.
When we lump people together we lose out, because we cease to see them as the individual creation that God chose them to be. We instead see them as this big puzzle instead of just seeing the piece that makes up part of the picture. When we lump people together we lose part of the grace and mercy that makes God who He is. When we lump people together we miss out on having them woven into the fabric of our lives.
So, here is to letting in those people that I don't always agree with. Here is to opening up my eyes to learn and grow from those that don't see things the way I do. Here is to breaking down walls, and not lumping everyone in the same category because categories aren't what defines us. Here is to leaving behind preconceived notions and opening up to new experiences and risks.
Embracing the unexpected....
Monday, October 30, 2017
A Church and a Drive
Originally when I planned to go to Kansas for this weekend, I didn't actually know just how much I would need to get away at this particular time in my life. It isn't necessarily because I feel overwhelmed, it is more because I just feel like there are things happening that I am just unsure about. Do you ever second, third and even fourth guess decisions you make. Like, thinking through every outcome just so you can make yourself crazy with all the analyzing?
As I drove along the plains, there were so many things that I thought about and prayed over. Last week I had someone tell me that I was fake, and that I post things on FB and then I am not like that at all. So ofcourse with anything when someone says something to put you down, you examine it right? You take what they say and you keep what needs to be kept and let go of what might cause damage. So the truth is that I am not always who I pretend to be on social media. I have faults, I am opinionated, I judge people when I shouldn't, I choose to drink a little too much sometimes, I don't always stand up for my God the way I should, and I definitely don't trust God with all that I should either. I try to post things that not only will encourage others, but will help me to live a better life. In that I fail a lot of times. I am quick to speak, and slow to listen a majority of the time. So, maybe this person was right. Maybe I am not who I pretend to be on FB, but also I will probably be the first person to say sorry. I also won't go out of my way to cause hurt and pain on anyone no matter what they have done to me or said about me. I help people out, and try to be there for them. I am sensitive, and love too much. So yes, I have things to work on, but I also am one of the greatest encouragers through writing you will ever meet.
So much of my journey this weekend, was letting to. Letting go of words that have been said to me in the last couple of months. Letting go of doubts that I have allowed to seep in because of people, instead of truths that I allow to overflow out of me because of God. Letting go of friendships that need to be left behind and embracing those that are important enough to me to continue to pursue, and make sacrifices for.
Another part of my journey was giving something over to God that I continue to let grab a hold of me. Do you ever have those things in your life that you want to happen so badly that you are willing to do just about whatever it takes to make them happen. But you know that if you pursue it, instead of letting it be God's timing that you will end up making a big mistake. So, I let it go, and I gave it over. I allowed my heart and mind to be at peace with the fact that what is meant to be will find its way to me. And I prayed a lot for this situation, and the person involved in this situation, and the things that I hope will come out of it. Maybe that will bring the result that I want, and maybe God has something else for me.
About this time in my journey I saw the church that I pulled over to take a picture of. It made me remember that sometimes in life I get so caught up in feeling, doing, and feeling again... that I forget to just let the drive happen. I forget that God's plans are bigger than my own. I don't always know how to let His plans be my plans. In fact a lot of times I forget to go to God altogether, but you know what that is because I am a work in progress. God knows that I am not perfect, He made me. He knows the cycles of mistakes that I continue to make, and one day He is going to break me of them one by one. But for now each mistake, each sin is a bigger chance to learn and grow in Him.
I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be focused. I don't have to know where my journey is taking me, I just have to have faith in the driver. I don't have to make sure that I cross the finish line first every time, I just have to make sure that my pace continues to be steady and straight ahead.
So for now, I keep going, knowing that around every turn there will be lessons, there will be moments, and there will be things for me to change. But my life doesn't lose its worth or value. I am always loved, and as I pass along little churches along the way I hope I continue to see glimpses of how God is working and moving, and allowing me to let things go, and grow closer to Him every day.
Sometimes I think that we come across as perfect to those around us. Or we come across as trying to be better than someone else, when really I don't think deep down any of us actually feel that way. I think that we want to be the best version of ourselves we can be. Perhaps taking the time to hate a little less, and love a little more. Taking the time to not be the driver, to not always be the first to speak, to let someone get all of their thoughts out before jumping in with a suggestion or judgment. Taking the time to get to know people on an intimate deep level, and allowing them to trust you at that level. Isn't that the hardest? Being able to trust each other with things.
I could let the fact that I have trusted people with things that I don't want others knowing dig into me. I could put myself down, feel really bad about it, and go into a dark place to hide away from that sin, guilt and shame. But instead I embrace the mess that I am. I allow God to fill that darkness with light, and I move forward on this journey. It isn't a perfect journey, I get things wrong every single day, but I try my best to look up, see light, and keep going. Vulnerability and trust, those are probably the two biggest things I am working on. I let people in that I shouldn't these past couple of years, and I got hurt because of it, but I am also better for it. I am better because I have learned a little more about sacrificial love, and what it takes to live with more of Him, and less of me.
So, if you are feeling these things, I encourage you to take a drive. Let God speak, let God listen, and be honest with Him. He knows anyways.
As I drove along the plains, there were so many things that I thought about and prayed over. Last week I had someone tell me that I was fake, and that I post things on FB and then I am not like that at all. So ofcourse with anything when someone says something to put you down, you examine it right? You take what they say and you keep what needs to be kept and let go of what might cause damage. So the truth is that I am not always who I pretend to be on social media. I have faults, I am opinionated, I judge people when I shouldn't, I choose to drink a little too much sometimes, I don't always stand up for my God the way I should, and I definitely don't trust God with all that I should either. I try to post things that not only will encourage others, but will help me to live a better life. In that I fail a lot of times. I am quick to speak, and slow to listen a majority of the time. So, maybe this person was right. Maybe I am not who I pretend to be on FB, but also I will probably be the first person to say sorry. I also won't go out of my way to cause hurt and pain on anyone no matter what they have done to me or said about me. I help people out, and try to be there for them. I am sensitive, and love too much. So yes, I have things to work on, but I also am one of the greatest encouragers through writing you will ever meet.
So much of my journey this weekend, was letting to. Letting go of words that have been said to me in the last couple of months. Letting go of doubts that I have allowed to seep in because of people, instead of truths that I allow to overflow out of me because of God. Letting go of friendships that need to be left behind and embracing those that are important enough to me to continue to pursue, and make sacrifices for.
Another part of my journey was giving something over to God that I continue to let grab a hold of me. Do you ever have those things in your life that you want to happen so badly that you are willing to do just about whatever it takes to make them happen. But you know that if you pursue it, instead of letting it be God's timing that you will end up making a big mistake. So, I let it go, and I gave it over. I allowed my heart and mind to be at peace with the fact that what is meant to be will find its way to me. And I prayed a lot for this situation, and the person involved in this situation, and the things that I hope will come out of it. Maybe that will bring the result that I want, and maybe God has something else for me.
About this time in my journey I saw the church that I pulled over to take a picture of. It made me remember that sometimes in life I get so caught up in feeling, doing, and feeling again... that I forget to just let the drive happen. I forget that God's plans are bigger than my own. I don't always know how to let His plans be my plans. In fact a lot of times I forget to go to God altogether, but you know what that is because I am a work in progress. God knows that I am not perfect, He made me. He knows the cycles of mistakes that I continue to make, and one day He is going to break me of them one by one. But for now each mistake, each sin is a bigger chance to learn and grow in Him.
I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be focused. I don't have to know where my journey is taking me, I just have to have faith in the driver. I don't have to make sure that I cross the finish line first every time, I just have to make sure that my pace continues to be steady and straight ahead.
So for now, I keep going, knowing that around every turn there will be lessons, there will be moments, and there will be things for me to change. But my life doesn't lose its worth or value. I am always loved, and as I pass along little churches along the way I hope I continue to see glimpses of how God is working and moving, and allowing me to let things go, and grow closer to Him every day.
Sometimes I think that we come across as perfect to those around us. Or we come across as trying to be better than someone else, when really I don't think deep down any of us actually feel that way. I think that we want to be the best version of ourselves we can be. Perhaps taking the time to hate a little less, and love a little more. Taking the time to not be the driver, to not always be the first to speak, to let someone get all of their thoughts out before jumping in with a suggestion or judgment. Taking the time to get to know people on an intimate deep level, and allowing them to trust you at that level. Isn't that the hardest? Being able to trust each other with things.
I could let the fact that I have trusted people with things that I don't want others knowing dig into me. I could put myself down, feel really bad about it, and go into a dark place to hide away from that sin, guilt and shame. But instead I embrace the mess that I am. I allow God to fill that darkness with light, and I move forward on this journey. It isn't a perfect journey, I get things wrong every single day, but I try my best to look up, see light, and keep going. Vulnerability and trust, those are probably the two biggest things I am working on. I let people in that I shouldn't these past couple of years, and I got hurt because of it, but I am also better for it. I am better because I have learned a little more about sacrificial love, and what it takes to live with more of Him, and less of me.
So, if you are feeling these things, I encourage you to take a drive. Let God speak, let God listen, and be honest with Him. He knows anyways.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
40 before 40 update.....
40 before 40 update....
#1 Attend a Renaissance Festival This happened last weekend! It was so much fun! My sister and I had a blast. I loved seeing everyone, and experiencing the renaissance culture.
#2 Celebrate New Year's in New York City and watch the ball drop!
#3 Pay School Loans down Yay! This is on the right track, but still working on it! I am making payments each month. Whew sometimes it is so hard to only spend money on my loans! I'm still taking donations if anyone wants to pay them off for me!
#4 Go Skydiving
#5 Get a tattoo I have TWO tattoos now! Yippeee!!!! Love my elephant and owl! I really want another one!!!!!!
#6 Drive the Pacific Coast Highway all the way down California
#7 See a show on Broadway
#8 Get to know 5 good wine and cheese pairings, and host a wine tasting
#9 Hike some of the PCT
#10 Get in the best shape of my life
#11 Go skinnydipping I changed this one back ;) No updates though.
#12 Go to an Art Museum once a year (Yikes, I need to get on this one for this year!) Oh man! Anyone want to go to an Art Museum with me?
#13 Visit Napa Valley
#14 Go on a cruise
#15 Learn how to cook Risotto (going to try to get this done before August 30th) I need to get on this!
#16 Go geocaching
#17 Meet a hero (Mandy Hale, Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed)
#18 Be open to new dating opportunities (I did well with this!!!) I am going to change this one.... Be open to new dating opportunities, but don't just take any of them, because some of them are CRAZY!
#19 Take the ultimate U.S. Road Trip Not solo.... I need a friend or two....
#20 Read every book by C.S. Lewis Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity are checked off! Yay!
#21 Learn to Knit (Still working on this, but I am a great loom knitter) Work in progress
#22 Take Spanish and be able to hold a conversation (Ugh, not so great with this) Hmmm.....
#23 Read 100 books (Need to make my list)
#24 Get a hair cut at a fancy salon
#25 Cook/Bake all my gma's recipes
#26 See a show at The Fox
#27 Read the Bible Cover to Cover each year
#28 Drink tea instead of coffee in the afternoon Changing this #28 Drink MORE tea!!!!!
#29 Run the Bolder Boulder
#30 Watch every film on AFI top 100
#31 Go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor as recommended (Getting better with this)
#32 Complete a 1/2 marathon
#33 Write a short story
#34 Take a 24 hour solitude/no phone retreat 4 times a year (I didn't do this at all)
#35 Pray everyday (More work needed with this)
#36 Donate 2% of income each year to charity
#37 Try yoga
#38 Send 10 letters a year to friends far away (I will do this)
#39 Make something crafty and sell it (Yay! I did this! )
#40 Step out of my comfort zone at least once a day.
I know you all have been dying to see this list again! Ha! But I have some things to add to it! :) I know, I know..... you can't wait! My latest updates are in Purple! :)
#1 Attend a Renaissance Festival This happened last weekend! It was so much fun! My sister and I had a blast. I loved seeing everyone, and experiencing the renaissance culture.
#2 Celebrate New Year's in New York City and watch the ball drop!
#3 Pay School Loans down Yay! This is on the right track, but still working on it! I am making payments each month. Whew sometimes it is so hard to only spend money on my loans! I'm still taking donations if anyone wants to pay them off for me!
#4 Go Skydiving
#5 Get a tattoo I have TWO tattoos now! Yippeee!!!! Love my elephant and owl! I really want another one!!!!!!
#6 Drive the Pacific Coast Highway all the way down California
#7 See a show on Broadway
#8 Get to know 5 good wine and cheese pairings, and host a wine tasting
#9 Hike some of the PCT
#10 Get in the best shape of my life
#11 Go skinnydipping I changed this one back ;) No updates though.
#12 Go to an Art Museum once a year (Yikes, I need to get on this one for this year!) Oh man! Anyone want to go to an Art Museum with me?
#13 Visit Napa Valley
#14 Go on a cruise
#15 Learn how to cook Risotto (going to try to get this done before August 30th) I need to get on this!
#16 Go geocaching
#17 Meet a hero (Mandy Hale, Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed)
#18 Be open to new dating opportunities (I did well with this!!!) I am going to change this one.... Be open to new dating opportunities, but don't just take any of them, because some of them are CRAZY!
#19 Take the ultimate U.S. Road Trip Not solo.... I need a friend or two....
#20 Read every book by C.S. Lewis Screwtape Letters, Mere Christianity are checked off! Yay!
#21 Learn to Knit (Still working on this, but I am a great loom knitter) Work in progress
#22 Take Spanish and be able to hold a conversation (Ugh, not so great with this) Hmmm.....
#23 Read 100 books (Need to make my list)
#24 Get a hair cut at a fancy salon
#25 Cook/Bake all my gma's recipes
#26 See a show at The Fox
#27 Read the Bible Cover to Cover each year
#28 Drink tea instead of coffee in the afternoon Changing this #28 Drink MORE tea!!!!!
#29 Run the Bolder Boulder
#30 Watch every film on AFI top 100
#31 Go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor as recommended (Getting better with this)
#32 Complete a 1/2 marathon
#33 Write a short story
#34 Take a 24 hour solitude/no phone retreat 4 times a year (I didn't do this at all)
#35 Pray everyday (More work needed with this)
#36 Donate 2% of income each year to charity
#37 Try yoga
#38 Send 10 letters a year to friends far away (I will do this)
#39 Make something crafty and sell it (Yay! I did this! )
#40 Step out of my comfort zone at least once a day.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Sometimes the fight is hard...
Yesterday I had such a great time, after a pretty crappy week. So when I woke up went to church on little sleep and started my day I wasn't really expecting to feel the way I do today. What happened? Why do I feel so alone, and unable to cope with just common events? It usually happens when I go to something that I feel like I should have plenty of people surrounding me and I don't. Tonight was one of those times. Sometimes the most alone I feel is at a family event at church. I had volunteered for two shifts so that I wouldn't have to go through that. But then things got changed, and so I found myself walking around by myself. Something that I can handle at pretty much any other time, except for some reason it hit me super hard today.
I just left, and as soon as I got in my car tears just started streaming down my face. It isn't that I feel sorry for myself, it is just that I have this deep ache inside of me that feels like something is missing. I don't belong at family events, because I don't have a family. I'm not a single mom, I don't have relatives or super close friends with kids. So, I end up just wandering around aimlessly.
So, I had to come home and think through why these feelings are hitting me all of a sudden. It seems like every time I get close to thinking that singleness might cease to exist for me...I realize that I'm wrong. And that is where this aloneness stems from. The past month or so I have allowed myself to start to have hope again that there's hope of someone. That I am not this awful person, that I am not unlovable.
I know I am not the only one who goes through cycles like this, and I know that it is a cycle. It will pass, and I will once again know that I am loved and valued, but for tonight I just let myself cry and pray, and feel lost in this despair of never being good enough.
So, how do I get through this cycle. How do I understand what God wants from me, and how to make the most of the life he has given me? How do I get rid of feelings of doubt that I shouldn't have such high standards when it comes to relationships?
Why does it seem like I always get things wrong? Read too much into a text, or friendship? Why is it that the ones I want are the ones that don't want me? Why is it that I am single? Oh sure we like to say that it is better to be single. I have heard that from so many people, even this week. I know and get why it is being said, but you know what? Sometimes the fight doesn't seem worth it. I mean the fight to not just give in to the urge to just go out and date like the world says you can. The urge to just try on a bunch of losers to find the right one? The urge to go out with someone that isn't spiritually where I need someone to be in order to not feel so alone. Or the urge to not wait for God's timing. Because right now I am tired of waiting. I am tired of not having a best friend.
How do I break this cycle? How do I stop myself from allowing the lies that I am not worthy to keep creeping into my heart and soul?
It starts with Jesus. It starts with spending time praying, reading and journaling. It starts with putting those things first instead of FB, any kind of social media, and second guessing every decision I've ever made. But it also starts with realizing that no one's life is perfect. That we all have desires, and that one day I will be blogging about an event like today in a different context. My desire for being with someone is another's desire to get one second alone. My desire to have a family and kids is another's desire to be able to see the world.
I know God has me. I know that His promises are true and real. But I know that I have made a billion mistakes and I make more everyday. I try too hard, or not hard enough. I long for a best friend. I long for the void of that best friend, that family to be filled.
Somedays no matter what we say it isn't enough to just depend on Jesus to fill those voids. It should be, but it isn't. I want it to be. Maybe this week that can be my focus. Cut down on social media, and just look up everytime my heart and mind drifts. Look up when I try to fill that void with things I shouldn't. Look up when I am reading into something that doesn't mean what I think or hope it does.
I won't give up the fight, because I can't. I don't want to. But maybe for today I take a deep breathe, step out of the ring, and let Jesus take the fight back. That's the best that I can do, that's the best that he asks me to.
I just left, and as soon as I got in my car tears just started streaming down my face. It isn't that I feel sorry for myself, it is just that I have this deep ache inside of me that feels like something is missing. I don't belong at family events, because I don't have a family. I'm not a single mom, I don't have relatives or super close friends with kids. So, I end up just wandering around aimlessly.
So, I had to come home and think through why these feelings are hitting me all of a sudden. It seems like every time I get close to thinking that singleness might cease to exist for me...I realize that I'm wrong. And that is where this aloneness stems from. The past month or so I have allowed myself to start to have hope again that there's hope of someone. That I am not this awful person, that I am not unlovable.
I know I am not the only one who goes through cycles like this, and I know that it is a cycle. It will pass, and I will once again know that I am loved and valued, but for tonight I just let myself cry and pray, and feel lost in this despair of never being good enough.
So, how do I get through this cycle. How do I understand what God wants from me, and how to make the most of the life he has given me? How do I get rid of feelings of doubt that I shouldn't have such high standards when it comes to relationships?
Why does it seem like I always get things wrong? Read too much into a text, or friendship? Why is it that the ones I want are the ones that don't want me? Why is it that I am single? Oh sure we like to say that it is better to be single. I have heard that from so many people, even this week. I know and get why it is being said, but you know what? Sometimes the fight doesn't seem worth it. I mean the fight to not just give in to the urge to just go out and date like the world says you can. The urge to just try on a bunch of losers to find the right one? The urge to go out with someone that isn't spiritually where I need someone to be in order to not feel so alone. Or the urge to not wait for God's timing. Because right now I am tired of waiting. I am tired of not having a best friend.
How do I break this cycle? How do I stop myself from allowing the lies that I am not worthy to keep creeping into my heart and soul?
It starts with Jesus. It starts with spending time praying, reading and journaling. It starts with putting those things first instead of FB, any kind of social media, and second guessing every decision I've ever made. But it also starts with realizing that no one's life is perfect. That we all have desires, and that one day I will be blogging about an event like today in a different context. My desire for being with someone is another's desire to get one second alone. My desire to have a family and kids is another's desire to be able to see the world.
I know God has me. I know that His promises are true and real. But I know that I have made a billion mistakes and I make more everyday. I try too hard, or not hard enough. I long for a best friend. I long for the void of that best friend, that family to be filled.
Somedays no matter what we say it isn't enough to just depend on Jesus to fill those voids. It should be, but it isn't. I want it to be. Maybe this week that can be my focus. Cut down on social media, and just look up everytime my heart and mind drifts. Look up when I try to fill that void with things I shouldn't. Look up when I am reading into something that doesn't mean what I think or hope it does.
I won't give up the fight, because I can't. I don't want to. But maybe for today I take a deep breathe, step out of the ring, and let Jesus take the fight back. That's the best that I can do, that's the best that he asks me to.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Aloneness, concerts, and shootings...
My heart is so heavy today for Vegas. Even more so because of where the incident happened. I have walked those streets, I have been in that hotel. I have friends that frequent that area of the world often, and it hurts. It hurts that there are so many people dead and injured. It hurts because somehow it could have/ should have been prevented. I am not going to get into gun control because I don't honestly want to, and I know that a lot of people are hot over that right now. What I want to get into is thinking about other people. It seems to me that we are so wrapped up in ourselves, and what we want that we forget to look people in the eyes. We are so determined to point out what everyone else is doing wrong that we forget to see how we should be living and the changes we should be making. My heart hurts for people that lost loved ones, and my heart hurts for that man who thought this was his only hope. Who for some reason thought that this was what he was supposed to do. What I want to know is could someone have changed his mind? Was there something somewhere in his story that happened that if circumstances were different his path would have walked down a different road and told a different story.
What if he just needed to know that he wasn't invisible? What if he just needed to know that he was loved for himself, and not for anything but that. What if he just needed someone to look him in the eyes, and see him? We are so quick to be about ourselves. We are so quick to use things to our advantage, to not stop and at least try to understand where the other person is coming from. We are so quick to put ourselves first.
It's human nature to be self-absorbed, and we have to constantly check ourselves and seeing if we are making mini-gods of our own needs and wants. The hardest thing to do, is to put someone else first. I am not an expert at it, but I do feel as though I put others before myself a lot. Maybe too often. It causes me to be taken advantage of more times than I care to admit. It causes people to think they can run over me, and I just don't like living like that. So, I continue to grow in sticking up for myself. I continue to try to put others first while still maintaining that I deserve to be treated with respect, and decency.
It isn't enough to just live life, and let people do whatever they want. We weren't made for that kind of community. We were made to enrich each other's lives. We were made to love beyond what even we know we are capable of, and we were made to make a difference. We were made to help each other, be honest with each other, but most of all be kind.
Last weekend I went to Roots N' Blues, I volunteered to get in free. Then I spent the rest of my time there by myself. I did talk to some friends that I knew along the way, but I was there alone. I find that there are a lot of things I do alone. Mostly because I love volunteering, and haven't yet found anyone who wants to share in that experience with me. There were two ladies that I see just about every year. They volunteer, but they put on their application that they have to be together or they won't volunteer. In reflecting on this, I never want that to be my reality. The minute I can't do things alone, is the minute I have lost some of who I am. Sure I love company, even more when it is company that encourages me, strengthens me, and challenges me to be a better person. But I don't always have people that have the same interests as me. So, do I give up what I enjoy because I don't want to be alone? Or do I just keep living and enjoying so that I can be the best version of me?
Life is hard and confusing. There are moments like yesterday when I don't understand the world we live in and I just want all the horrible things to disappear. There are moments when I don't want to have to deal with conflict, or hurt feelings. But there are moments of greatness. Moments of snapchats, that light up my day, text messages of encouragement that help me understand I am not as crazy as people claim I am. These moments I treasure.
So I will put one foot in front of the other today, I will be thankful that I am alive. I will be thankful for the people that show me love. I will be thankful that I have a place to rest my head at night. But mostly I will be thankful that in the midst of loneliness, I never truly have to feel alone.
What if he just needed to know that he wasn't invisible? What if he just needed to know that he was loved for himself, and not for anything but that. What if he just needed someone to look him in the eyes, and see him? We are so quick to be about ourselves. We are so quick to use things to our advantage, to not stop and at least try to understand where the other person is coming from. We are so quick to put ourselves first.
It's human nature to be self-absorbed, and we have to constantly check ourselves and seeing if we are making mini-gods of our own needs and wants. The hardest thing to do, is to put someone else first. I am not an expert at it, but I do feel as though I put others before myself a lot. Maybe too often. It causes me to be taken advantage of more times than I care to admit. It causes people to think they can run over me, and I just don't like living like that. So, I continue to grow in sticking up for myself. I continue to try to put others first while still maintaining that I deserve to be treated with respect, and decency.
It isn't enough to just live life, and let people do whatever they want. We weren't made for that kind of community. We were made to enrich each other's lives. We were made to love beyond what even we know we are capable of, and we were made to make a difference. We were made to help each other, be honest with each other, but most of all be kind.
Last weekend I went to Roots N' Blues, I volunteered to get in free. Then I spent the rest of my time there by myself. I did talk to some friends that I knew along the way, but I was there alone. I find that there are a lot of things I do alone. Mostly because I love volunteering, and haven't yet found anyone who wants to share in that experience with me. There were two ladies that I see just about every year. They volunteer, but they put on their application that they have to be together or they won't volunteer. In reflecting on this, I never want that to be my reality. The minute I can't do things alone, is the minute I have lost some of who I am. Sure I love company, even more when it is company that encourages me, strengthens me, and challenges me to be a better person. But I don't always have people that have the same interests as me. So, do I give up what I enjoy because I don't want to be alone? Or do I just keep living and enjoying so that I can be the best version of me?
Life is hard and confusing. There are moments like yesterday when I don't understand the world we live in and I just want all the horrible things to disappear. There are moments when I don't want to have to deal with conflict, or hurt feelings. But there are moments of greatness. Moments of snapchats, that light up my day, text messages of encouragement that help me understand I am not as crazy as people claim I am. These moments I treasure.
So I will put one foot in front of the other today, I will be thankful that I am alive. I will be thankful for the people that show me love. I will be thankful that I have a place to rest my head at night. But mostly I will be thankful that in the midst of loneliness, I never truly have to feel alone.
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