C is for Change #atozchallenge #change

This blogging challenge is all about Risk!  My word for the year! 

C is for Change.  There is so much change in this world.  Everyday I am bombarded with change as I scroll through social media, or talk to friends.  We are all constantly going through changes. 

Most change involves risk.  The risk of friends, and family.  The risk of money, the risk of reputation.  The risk of rejection, acceptance.  All of these things are involved in change. 

I love change.  I love experiencing new places, meeting new people, and utilizing new skills at jobs I take on.  I have risked a lot in my life due to the changes I have taken part of. 

Moving overseas, going to school to get my B.S. and M.A.  Opening up to people, getting involved in community.  All of these have been changes in my life. 

Can you think of the biggest change you have ever gone through?  I think for me it was recently.  I had a couple of friends that I had been hanging out with quite a bit all of a sudden just leave my life.  When you lose people you get used to hanging out with, it feels like you risked part of yourself for no reason.  It is also a big change.  You try to fill the void with other things, but there is still that void. 

To change something is to risk.  I think that we have to change.  If we don't then our life turns into something that is boring and not worth it.  To change means to risk. 

What changes have you made, and what were the risks?

B is for Being Brave #atozchallenge #2017 #bisforbrave

This year's challenge my theme is risk.   There is so much in this world to risk, and so much that we have to understand about it. 

The letter B blog post is for Being Brave!  Have you ever had a time when you knew that you were going to have to be brave in order to take a risk?  Are we born with bravery or is it something that we learn?  Do you think that we are braver as children, or adults? 

When I think back over my life I think the greatest risks I have taken are those when I was my bravest.  Moving to a new country where I literally knew no one and had to figure out how to get  groceries, make it to my job on time, and live in a place that was very different from my own. 

I have had to be brave over this past year as I said good-bye to a few friends that weren't adding to my life.  That kind of bravery is a risk.  I had to ask myself if it was worth it to say good-bye or to keep going in a pattern of self destruction. 

For some bravery is getting out of bed in the mornings.  For others it is taking a step into an unknown land.  Bravery is the mother who gets up at 5:00 am in the morning to feed her 3 month old that slept most of the night.  Bravery is sitting down and having a conversation with a person you run into on the train.  Bravery is the single parent who is working 2 jobs to feed the kids a decent meal every night.  Bravery is the single person that doesn't give up on love, kids, and a family to call their own.  Bravery is the single person that doesn't give in to the standards that the world has set, and is willing to do it alone.  Bravery is getting older, and still impacting the world around you.  Bravery comes in so many shapes and forms.  The most important part of bravery is to live it out, every single day. 

Risk through bravery.  It is the only way to live, don't you think? 

A is for Authenticity #atozchallenge #2017 #authenticrisk

When I think about the journey of authenticity it amazes me at just how thankful I am to be on this journey.  There is so much that I could say has transpired over the last few years, but the best one is that I am more of who I feel like I was created to be.  My A post is for authenticity in risk.   All of us have risked things in life, some more than others. 

What makes a risk authentic?

I think that when you can genuinely look at the risk from every angle possible, and you go for it anyways.  When you know what you have to lose, and gain...and you jump off that cliff without looking back.

Maybe that means paying $500 for a plane ticket to go to a job interview that you are not sure you are going to get, but you want so badly.

Maybe that means telling that person what they mean to you.

Maybe that means speaking up for yourself when you believe something differently than everyone sitting on the same side of the table.

Maybe that kind of risk means giving every last ounce of energy, time, and compassion you have in order to make another person's life 5% of what yours is.

Maybe authentic risk just means that you don't weigh the pros and cons, but instead you just do it.  You make it happen, and you live in the moment.  Maybe that is authentic risk?

What does it mean to take an authentic risk?  

Reveal Post #atozchallenge

Oh my goodness!  What a crazy month it has been.  I feel a little behind with my reveal, and theme... but I am writing this up real quick to get my feet wet a little bit.  Whew!  Is it really almost April?  How quickly this past year went! 

My theme for this year's A to Z challenge is going to be Risk.  I am not sure exactly what this will evolve into.  It might be risks I have taken in my life, or risks that have inspired me that others have taken.  Whatever it turns into I am excited to dive into this year's theme!  Now.... I better get writing! 

Hope you will stop by and read some of my posts! 

Here's a list of the dates for the blogs....

California Dreamin'

If you have read my last post you know that I am switching up my career.  In doing this I started applying to camp jobs all across the United States.  I have had Skype interviews for camps in Ohio, California, New Mexico, Wyoming, Washington and Alaska.  Basically I am open to wherever I am supposed to go.  As I started this process, I had really no intention or thought that I might end up back in Southern California. 

Until now...

I am leaving next weekend to head to California to interview in person for one of two jobs.  One is with Girl Scouts- San Diego, and the other is a potential interview for a camp in the LA area. 

As I ponder the process that has taken me to this point, I honestly am kind of overwhelmed at how God works.  You see I started my journey in California.  I spent many years there.  It was the first place that I experienced true community outside of my hometown.  I was 19 years old when I first set foot in California.  A shy, insecure 19 year old.  I walked into life at camp, and my world was changed.  When I think about that girl compared to who I am now, I am pretty amazed at all the changes and experiences I have had since then. 

I left California in 2008, packed up my car... drove to Missouri with my sister, and moved to Bangkok, Thailand.  I wasn't ever planning on returning there to live.  California had been a place where I learned about love, loss, God, community, sacrifice, and forgiveness.  It was a place I planned on visiting often, but not a place I thought about "settling." 

So here I am... almost 9 years later pondering what it would mean to move back. 

All I can feel is ecstatic.  Ecstatic for the fact that I was asked to come interview in person.  Ecstatic that I have people I know there that love me, and would do anything to help me out if I needed them to.  Ecstatic that there is potential for me to live in a place that I love so much!  Ecstatic for the potential of leading people, and using the skills I have developed in a new way! 

Moving back to California would be a big change.  When I left to go to Thailand in some ways I was running from some things.  I was running from a dream that I had that didn't go like I thought.  I was running from this idea that I had of community that didn't work out the way I thought it would.  California is a place that I call home.  It is a place that holds a lot of my friends, and friends that turned into family. 

My prayer  is that one of these jobs works out. My prayer is that I get to be in a place where I can use my gifts and talents in a year-round full-time camp job.  I am excited about the possibilities.  I am excited to see what is going to happen. 

Sometimes we have to take risks. It is super risky for me to jump on a plane in 7 days and go interview for a job that I might not get.  It is super risky for me to think about leaving behind a life that I have made for myself these past 3 years.  It is super risky to think about starting over again.  This year is about risk.  If I don't try, if I don't go for something because I am scared, then I am not really living what I have been called to. 

I don't want to just live a mediocre life.  I want to live a life that is full of adventure, risk, and using my gifts and talents the best way I can.  I was created for more than this.  

So I dream of California.  I pray, I ponder, and I hope! 

Why I am leaving teaching....

For the past few years I have been pondering changing my career.  It is not because I don't love what I do.  I love it!  I love teaching.  I love creating lessons, implementing them, and interacting with kids on a daily basis to encourage them to learn in unique ways.  But, I have been broken.  I am not going to blame a person or place.  I have just been broken.  It took awhile for me to realize just how broken I am.  But I finally realized it, and understand that I have to step a way for a little while.  It is not stepping away for good, and it is not stepping away from working with kids...for it is not the kids that put the pressure on adults... it is adults that put pressure on other adults.  In this fast paced, techno-savvy world it is hard to be what everyone wants you to be.  It is hard to let go of what has been said to your face, but most of all hard to let go of what has been said behind your back. 

So, I am pursuing a different path, one in which I am familiar.  One that has taught me so much about myself, and my strengths.  One in which I found my first family outside of my own.  I am going back to the camping world.  I feel like the camp world is one in which I feel the most happy.  It uses my strengths, helps me in my weaknesses, and is a way for me to not be stuck inside four walls of a classroom. 

I love camp.  I love what camp does in the lives of kids.  I love what it does in camp staff.  I love how camp unites people, brings them together.  I love how camp blurs the lines.  Camp is what this world needs right now. Camp takes a shy kid and lets them explore life from a different view.  Camp takes an energetic, leader and allows them experiences where they are unsure and look to others to lead.  Camp changes lives.

Don't get me wrong...education, schools... they change lives too.  In fact every single person that is alive has been impacted by education in some way or another.  I love that I have been a small part of that for a handful of students across the world.  I love that I know names of students studying in just about every country in Europe and Asia.  I love that the impact of the classroom is fierce, and is making a difference in this world. 

I don't love how I have been made to feel.  I don't love that I do not feel valued or wanted.  I don't love how I have been made to doubt myself and what I know to be true about who God created me to be.  I don't love any of those things. 

So... I am taking a step back.  I don't see it as a failure, because every single experience I have had has led me to where I am today.  Every single experience has allowed me to meet people, students, parents, administrators that have impacted my life in great ways.  Some of those ways I will take as moments in time that have shown me what I need to improve on, and some of those moments I will take as moments that have shown me my worth.  No matter what I am thankful.  I am thankful for the gifts I have been given.  I am thankful for the journey that is my life so far.  Mostly I am thankful that God knew even before I did what my life was going to look like. 

I am still a teacher.  In my heart I will always be a teacher.  Once you are called to teach, you never stop teaching.  My teaching will just look a little bit differently.  I am learning to embrace the different.  I am learning to go after things that might be stretching me beyond what I think I am capable of.  But I will never lose who I am.  My brokenness is made new by grace.  Every single day I am piece by piece put back together by words, encouragement, and the knowledge that it's okay to be a little broken.  For the most beautiful of broken vases, is the one that is chipped cracked, and created into something new. 

When Rejection gets the Best of You

I am reading the book Uninvited, it has proved to be the perfect book for me to be reading at this time.  There has been a lot of rejection felt in this past year.  It has brought back so many feelings from the past that I have sunk into this pit that I am unable to get out of.  It is so different from last year.  I felt so at home last year, like at last I had found a community of people that loved me, and wanted to hang out with me.  I was ready to settle in, and live life in this community.  I had prayed so hard for so long for this thing called community, and then I woke up one day and it was gone. 

Maybe it wasn't ever there in the first place?  Maybe I had placed myself in this situation where I thought that I was surrounded by people that would always love me and be there for me, but really they weren't. 

And thus begins the cycle of rejection.  I have learned a lot already from this book... and if you struggle like I do with rejection... you should read it to. 

I think that I thought I was the only one who ever felt this way, but it seems like a lot of us struggle with it.  We struggle with people leaving us, and taking that personally.  We struggle with putting all our worth and value in what others think.  We struggle with fitting in with groups of people that have known each other for awhile.  We struggle with social media perfection.  We all struggle. 

I have had someone look at me and say... you just look at everything in a negative way.  Maybe I do.  Maybe that's for a reason though.  When you have been traded in for someone else more times than you can count, it is hard not to see things, relationships, community in a negative light.  It is hard not to think that there is something wrong with you.  When you are constantly feeling alone, and not being invited by the people that you thought were your "community."  It is hard to not feel negative. 

I think that rejection has gotten the best of me.  I have allowed my value and worth to be put into the community of people instead of looking above for it. 

What do you do when you realize that you traded in some really great friendships for some that you thought were good, but in reality you were rejected yet again?  What do you do when you realize that you gave your heart and soul into people that don't really even care if you are around or not?  What do you do when you feel like you could be dropped at a moment's notice?  Or that you have in fact been dropped and you are only being "tolerated." 

It doesn't really feel like I have this rejection stuff under control.... but it is getting better.  This past year I have been dropped by 4 people that were a huge part of my life.  In some ways I think it has been coming for awhile, but in other ways it has been a huge loss for me.  The thing is that we have people in our lives for different reasons.  I am thankful for my family because even though we are all so different I know that I can always count on them to be there for me.  I know that any one of them would drop whatever they were doing to help me out.  We have people in our lives for seasons.  Some of them stay for long seasons, some of them stay for short seasons, and some are only there for brief moments. 

What I am working on is not allowing the short seasons to get me down.  I am working on not letting the words that people say or the favorites that people have be something that digs deep in my soul. 

I am far from perfect, but I am still worthy of community.  One day I am going to find it.  One day this amazing community is going to open up for me, and those people are going to love me so hard that all the broken pieces are put back together.  I won't want to run away, I won't doubt my value or worth.  They will push me closer to God.   That's the kind of community I long for.  Maybe I won't find it for a really long time, but maybe it is just around the corner. 

Until then....I search out ways to not live in a state of rejection.  I seek out people that lift me up, and I spend a lot of time in prayer, and focusing on the good.  I don't let myself get deep into the state of rejection that so easily wants to grab a hold of my heart.  I try to understand the truth, instead of living in the lies...and I feel thankful for the time that I have had with the community of people that I have been around. I feel thankful for what they have taught me, for the moments of laughter we have shared, and the moments of walls of fear that have been broken.  I feel thankful for the value that we at one time placed in each other, and I move forward.  Looking ahead to the next community I get to be a part of, and hoping that the cycle of rejection can at some time be broken!  

For now...I wait.