I can't really blame them. I mean, it is a natural part of life that people get married and have kids. So, when you are going through 1 Peter, you are going to naturally talk about marriage and roles and all that jazz. It totally makes sense. Here's the thing though.... I loathe it.
I don't loathe it in the same way I loathe coming across a spider in my shower, or a snake along the trail I am hiking. I loathe it in the same way that I loathe ice cream, or pizza. It is that I long for it, but I know that I shouldn't partake in it kind of loathing. Now, don't misunderstand I totally want to be married and have kids one day.... but unfortunately the closer I get to 40, the less likely I think that is going to happen.
So I literally cringed when the email came that said for our singles monthly gathering we would be talking about marriage, dating, and 1 Peter 3.
Now I will say this..... it was one of the best talks I have heard in regards to this. Was there any new information.... maybe... but most of it is stuff that I have heard before.
Here's the thing...I completely (okay well...mostly) understand what 1 Peter 3 talks about in regards to married men/women. What I don't understand though is the "weaker" talk and how it applies to me as someone who isn't married, and doesn't have any prospects lined up around the corner?
I feel like I was kind of content with my singleness once again until last night came and brought up those natural desires that are rooted deep in my soul for a husband and kids. So... how do I go back to being content, and waiting patiently?
I love the "God's timing" stuff. Especially when I hear it from friends that have been through it and hated when people used to say that to them. Ofcourse it is God's timing, right? Ofcourse! But if you are the one waiting it sure does stink in the midst of it.
I think the worst part for me is getting to see everyone else hashtag #wifey #momlife #myboys #momofboys, knowing and accepting (most days) that might not be a role I ever get to hold.
In a world full of couples and parents, how do I not place my value and worth in that? In a world where people want to match you up with anyone at the slightest thought that you have anything in common, how do you keep having standards and boundaries?
We were made for connection and community. We were made for relationships. Yet, I find myself feeling pretty lonely and abnormal a lot of the time. I am trying my hardest not to. I am trying my hardest not to just give in and settle for someone that is truly not worth settling for, but the more friends that leave me to get married and have babies...the easier it is to just want to choose the next decent guy that comes around.
So for now I don't really know how to correctly live single in a world where singleness is frowned upon and seen by many as "not living up to your potential." I am not sure what the right answer is. I do know this....if I ever do get married and have kids I will not leave my single friends behind. I will not do it. I refuse to be that person, because it sucks to be on the other side of that. It sucks to feel less than because you are not married, or don't have kids.
I choose to continue to seek the way to live fulfilled in a world where fulfillment is often measured in our relationships and families. I choose to continue to seek to live with raw authenticity about my feelings. This is one of those posts. I am not feeling sorry for myself... it is more of a quest for my role, and how to live the best I can in the role I have been given.
Monday, March 13, 2017
Saturday, March 11, 2017
Shepherd vs. Fisherman
Don't you love how you hear things at the perfect time? The past week has brought me contemplating a LOT of things! Sometimes I just think how thankful I am that my life is never boring. I have never lived a boring existence in my 35 years on this earth, and I am so thankful for that. I think I was created with gypsy blood, and I used to hate that part of me. Instead I have finally learned to embrace it! I am not alone in this world of gypsies, there are actually a lot more of us on this planet than what you might think. I think it is the gypsy persona that allows me to grab a hold of just about every adventure-filled opportunity I am given.
So what does this have to do with shepherds and fishermen? Well.... I promise it does! Somehow! Let me just work my way there....
I am going through the study "Finding I Am" by Lysa TerKeurst. I was actually supposed to finish it 2 weeks, ago but you know I just don't like sticking to the schedule that most studies go by. I like moving at my own pace. So, I am still in like week 3 or something. Anyway today's study was all about shepherds. More specifically about shepherd's roles in the Bible. When I think about a shepherd I think of someone who cares about sheep. Someone who risks their life for sheep, someone who is willing to sacrifice a lot in order to keep those sheep safe. Fishermen on the other hand....well I thought that Lysa did a good job of explaining how fisherman don't really have that same nurturing type with fish. I mean when you think about it fishermen basically just catch the fish, throw the ones back they don't want...and then cut the ones they want. There is not really much caring that goes along with that.
As I read through this tonight, it got me thinking about some things. I think up to this point I have honestly thought that I was willing and had risked everything for God. I think that I saw my experiences as risking a lot actually. I mean I have lived in places all over the world where I was the minority, where I have been called names, whistled at, felt unsafe, and maybe even been a little damaged. Isn't that risking? Isn't that what we are called to do? Doesn't that count? But what if, those experiences, and that risk was more of my fisherman moments, instead of my shepherd moments? What if those fisherman moments were just preparing me for the shepherding that God wants me to be doing in the near future?
I made this year about risk. I made this year a year to step outside of the box that I have allowed my life to be put in, and grow and learn through experiences that will stretch and grow me. What if I am supposed to really be taking a leap instead of a tiptoe? What if there is something so huge that I am supposed to be doing that the longer I remain in the safety zone the more I am hurting my shepherding skills instead of defining them?
I am not sure that I even know or understand what all of this means. I just know that tonight as I was reading through Ezekiel 34, I realized that God says that He will take care of His sheep. He says that He will go after His sheep, to all the places that they wander. What if shepherding His sheep doesn't just mean staying in the safe zone? What if it means going some place and doing something completely unsafe and dangerous? What if it means that I am literally willing to risk my life for the sake of His sheep?
Isn't that what it should be about? Shouldn't my life be about finding His sheep, and leading them? Shouldn't I be willing to risk what is comfortable, and safe in order to live out what I have been called to? Isn't love about risk? Isn't love about giving up whatever I can to give someone a chance to live a better life? Isn't that what it is about? If I am constantly in fear that I will be hurt, damaged, or taken then what faith do I have in God? What faith do I have in myself? What faith do I have in love?
I don't want to be a fisherman anymore. I want to be a shepherd. I want to care for those that have been lost, I want to listen to the voice of my own shepherd, and I want to risk whatever I can to help bring the flock back to the green pasture. There is no sheep that is not worth the risk. Every single one is important, every single one benefits from hearing the shepherd's voice.
So what does this have to do with shepherds and fishermen? Well.... I promise it does! Somehow! Let me just work my way there....
I am going through the study "Finding I Am" by Lysa TerKeurst. I was actually supposed to finish it 2 weeks, ago but you know I just don't like sticking to the schedule that most studies go by. I like moving at my own pace. So, I am still in like week 3 or something. Anyway today's study was all about shepherds. More specifically about shepherd's roles in the Bible. When I think about a shepherd I think of someone who cares about sheep. Someone who risks their life for sheep, someone who is willing to sacrifice a lot in order to keep those sheep safe. Fishermen on the other hand....well I thought that Lysa did a good job of explaining how fisherman don't really have that same nurturing type with fish. I mean when you think about it fishermen basically just catch the fish, throw the ones back they don't want...and then cut the ones they want. There is not really much caring that goes along with that.
As I read through this tonight, it got me thinking about some things. I think up to this point I have honestly thought that I was willing and had risked everything for God. I think that I saw my experiences as risking a lot actually. I mean I have lived in places all over the world where I was the minority, where I have been called names, whistled at, felt unsafe, and maybe even been a little damaged. Isn't that risking? Isn't that what we are called to do? Doesn't that count? But what if, those experiences, and that risk was more of my fisherman moments, instead of my shepherd moments? What if those fisherman moments were just preparing me for the shepherding that God wants me to be doing in the near future?
I made this year about risk. I made this year a year to step outside of the box that I have allowed my life to be put in, and grow and learn through experiences that will stretch and grow me. What if I am supposed to really be taking a leap instead of a tiptoe? What if there is something so huge that I am supposed to be doing that the longer I remain in the safety zone the more I am hurting my shepherding skills instead of defining them?
I am not sure that I even know or understand what all of this means. I just know that tonight as I was reading through Ezekiel 34, I realized that God says that He will take care of His sheep. He says that He will go after His sheep, to all the places that they wander. What if shepherding His sheep doesn't just mean staying in the safe zone? What if it means going some place and doing something completely unsafe and dangerous? What if it means that I am literally willing to risk my life for the sake of His sheep?
Isn't that what it should be about? Shouldn't my life be about finding His sheep, and leading them? Shouldn't I be willing to risk what is comfortable, and safe in order to live out what I have been called to? Isn't love about risk? Isn't love about giving up whatever I can to give someone a chance to live a better life? Isn't that what it is about? If I am constantly in fear that I will be hurt, damaged, or taken then what faith do I have in God? What faith do I have in myself? What faith do I have in love?
I don't want to be a fisherman anymore. I want to be a shepherd. I want to care for those that have been lost, I want to listen to the voice of my own shepherd, and I want to risk whatever I can to help bring the flock back to the green pasture. There is no sheep that is not worth the risk. Every single one is important, every single one benefits from hearing the shepherd's voice.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Why we Risk....
Do you ever wonder if you are living the life you are supposed to? Do you ever wonder if you are just going through the motions, day in and day out without real acknowledgement of what is actually driving you? Do you ever wish that you could just be all that you were meant to be???
I had a conversation the other day with someone, and I was given information that made me so sad. The information was that the church where I grew up.... some people there would rather split apart and make the "young" people go somewhere else, than to try to come together as a community of believers and compromise. It makes my heart hurt, because do you know what happens to a church if you force all of the "young" people to leave? IT DIES! There will be no church. You may not agree with everything those so called "young" people are doing or saying, but you know what? God probably does!
The thing is we get so caught up in being right that we forget to be human. We forget to love each other, listen to each other, and be thankful for those in our lives. How in the world do you ever expect anyone to want to get to know Jesus if you are pushing everyone away with your judgement and ridicule?
They won't. I guarantee you they won't. It is time to stop looking at drinking, sex, homosexuality, and drugs as the worse stuff you can do. Honestly I think it is far worse to think you are so righteous that you don't need to love others. So righteous that you look down on those around you because they aren't living lives that you think they should live. So righteous that you can't even step outside of your box, and give a meal or a kind word to someone that is living a life completely different from your own? How is that even close to being like Jesus?
We aren't called to be more righteous than our neighbor. We aren't called to sit in our little houses watching TV, reading our books, and waiting for someone to come knocking at our door so we can tell them exactly what to believe and why. We aren't called to place ourselves in only Christian communities where everyone thinks, dresses, and acts exactly how we do. That's not what we are called to.
We are called to worship, to love, to be people that put others before ourselves. We are called to make a difference. How can we make a difference if we aren't willing to hold conversations, to change the way we think, to meet a friend that is so different from us? It doesn't mean that I have to agree with everyone I call friend. But isn't it going to be easier to have tough conversations with those that I make connections with, than those that I turn away and condemn?
My job is to risk everything to be kind, compassionate, and loving. It makes me so angry when people that I know and love are anything but that. When they are so focused on the rules, or being right that they forget that there is such a thing as grace.
We can't divide ourselves by age, by sex, by political party. If we do that, then there are going to be a lot of empty families, and churches.
We have to stop putting people in boxes based on what we THINK they believe or because they align themselves with one party or another. Did you know that it is possible to think that Gandhi had some amazing words to give us without following every single thing that he said? Did you know that I can agree and disagree with my Uncle who is super conservative without us getting into fights? Did you know that someone can have a completely different political party alignment than I do, and I don't have to think they are a complete idiot? It's all so true! We have become so box based that we forget there is more than one way to get up the same mountain.
There has to be grace, love and compassion. There has to be open-mindedness. There has to be a time when you tear down the walls that you have built up, and let God move you and change you. There has to be a time when you truly start seeing people, ALL people as created beings. As people that love, and need to belong.
Don't push people away just because you don't agree with them, or you don't want to do things the way they are doing them. If you push them away, you just might be pushing away your chance to love them like Jesus.
This was the message I took away this past weekend. A message that was so real to me, as I am on the cusp of some pretty awesome changes. But it was also a message that led me to once again wonder if I am doing what I should be. I wonder if I am being called for something more....
What am I being called to let go of and risk? My thoughts for today...
I had a conversation the other day with someone, and I was given information that made me so sad. The information was that the church where I grew up.... some people there would rather split apart and make the "young" people go somewhere else, than to try to come together as a community of believers and compromise. It makes my heart hurt, because do you know what happens to a church if you force all of the "young" people to leave? IT DIES! There will be no church. You may not agree with everything those so called "young" people are doing or saying, but you know what? God probably does!
The thing is we get so caught up in being right that we forget to be human. We forget to love each other, listen to each other, and be thankful for those in our lives. How in the world do you ever expect anyone to want to get to know Jesus if you are pushing everyone away with your judgement and ridicule?
They won't. I guarantee you they won't. It is time to stop looking at drinking, sex, homosexuality, and drugs as the worse stuff you can do. Honestly I think it is far worse to think you are so righteous that you don't need to love others. So righteous that you look down on those around you because they aren't living lives that you think they should live. So righteous that you can't even step outside of your box, and give a meal or a kind word to someone that is living a life completely different from your own? How is that even close to being like Jesus?
We aren't called to be more righteous than our neighbor. We aren't called to sit in our little houses watching TV, reading our books, and waiting for someone to come knocking at our door so we can tell them exactly what to believe and why. We aren't called to place ourselves in only Christian communities where everyone thinks, dresses, and acts exactly how we do. That's not what we are called to.
We are called to worship, to love, to be people that put others before ourselves. We are called to make a difference. How can we make a difference if we aren't willing to hold conversations, to change the way we think, to meet a friend that is so different from us? It doesn't mean that I have to agree with everyone I call friend. But isn't it going to be easier to have tough conversations with those that I make connections with, than those that I turn away and condemn?
My job is to risk everything to be kind, compassionate, and loving. It makes me so angry when people that I know and love are anything but that. When they are so focused on the rules, or being right that they forget that there is such a thing as grace.
We can't divide ourselves by age, by sex, by political party. If we do that, then there are going to be a lot of empty families, and churches.
We have to stop putting people in boxes based on what we THINK they believe or because they align themselves with one party or another. Did you know that it is possible to think that Gandhi had some amazing words to give us without following every single thing that he said? Did you know that I can agree and disagree with my Uncle who is super conservative without us getting into fights? Did you know that someone can have a completely different political party alignment than I do, and I don't have to think they are a complete idiot? It's all so true! We have become so box based that we forget there is more than one way to get up the same mountain.
There has to be grace, love and compassion. There has to be open-mindedness. There has to be a time when you tear down the walls that you have built up, and let God move you and change you. There has to be a time when you truly start seeing people, ALL people as created beings. As people that love, and need to belong.
Don't push people away just because you don't agree with them, or you don't want to do things the way they are doing them. If you push them away, you just might be pushing away your chance to love them like Jesus.
This was the message I took away this past weekend. A message that was so real to me, as I am on the cusp of some pretty awesome changes. But it was also a message that led me to once again wonder if I am doing what I should be. I wonder if I am being called for something more....
What am I being called to let go of and risk? My thoughts for today...
True/False 2017
I can't believe another year of True/False is over! It makes me sad
how quickly time seems to be going. True/False is the best weekend in
Columbia. Just walking around downtown during this time, meeting
people, seeing smiling faces. It is truly an awesome experience. I
love it. I love the community that is True/False. I love volunteering,
and having conversations with people that I otherwise would never have
met. That I never would have been able to get to know, and
understand. Community is about loving others, looking outside
ourselves, and questioning the things that we believe are true. Not
questioning them in a doubt kind of way, but in a why do I believe this
kind of way, and how can my belief impact the way I deal with others.
I ALWAYS love the T/F films. ALWAYS. There are always ways that the films themselves, and the conversations I have impact me.
This year I spent more time focusing on volunteering, than I did on seeing every film I possibly could. It was a time when I realized that being a part of something like this film fest is exactly what I love about my life, Columbia, and impacting my community for good.
Here's some of my film highlights:
Miss Kiet's Children- This film followed a teacher in the Netherlands. She taught refugee children from Syria. I loved this story so much. It is my top film for the weekend. It tugged at my heartstrings to go back overseas again, and do something crazy! If only I didn't need to get paid...I would go in a second. If you have the chance to see this film, watch it! It's a very beautiful story.
Quest- The True Life Fund film! I LOVED this film. I loved the story of this family. They truly are a family to look to for community and love. I am amazed by the amount of time this film took, and the perseverance that the film maker had. What a great way to tell their story! If you are wanting to see life from another person's perspective, or maybe even get encouragement yourself...this is the film to see.
Dina- One of the first films that I have laughed and cried. This film was about an autistic couple who meet, fall in love, and get married. It is a brilliant story. I think that sometimes we forget to look at the uniqueness of relationships and love. I loved Dina! I loved everything about this couple. They are so real with each other. What a beautiful story of life.
I Am Not Your Negro- I can't put into words how much I loved this film. Not in a make me feel good way. I loved this film in a make me think, and examine life kind of way. This film broke me, it made me mad, and it led me to a deeper understanding of how much we need to change in this world. I think every single person in our country, and even those not in our country need to go see this film. It is a film that is going to make people mad. It is a film that is going to spark great conversations if we let it. This film has the potential to change the world.
STEP- This film gets my #5 in the top five for this year. It is a brilliant film. It shows adversity, hard times, but it also shows what you can do through those hard times. I loved watching the young ladies in this film reach their goals, even through disappointment. I loved seeing them persevere even when they couldn't see the light. What an impact these ladies are going to make in our world!
Other films I got to see this weekend....
Railway Sleepers- I liked seeing all the different people. I connected with it because of Thailand, but it was too long for me.
SS Xenon- Good film! That's all I can say about that!
SS Argon- Thought-provoking film!
Stranger in Paradise- I liked how this film showed the European side to the influx of refugees. It still tugged at my heart, and parts of it made me angry. It also opened my eyes to some things I hadn't thought of before in terms of refugees.
Whose Streets- This was a well done film, and definitely gave me more to think about in terms of Ferguson, and all that took place in Mike Brown's death.
Recreations- This film was interesting. I am glad that it was only 45 minutes, but the teacher in me basically cringed through the whole thing. I couldn't stay for the Q & A, but I wish I would have been able to!
Films I would like to see.....let's hope they come to Ragtag....
The Force
Manifesto
The Graduation
The Road Movie
Donkeyote
Abacus: Small Enough to Jail
Casting JonBenet
Brimstone & Glory
The Cage Fighter
True/False is more than just a film festival. It is a community event. It takes 900+ volunteers to pull off this festival. To me that is something worth being a part of. I am so thankful to see the same people every year. I am so thankful that this is a place that I have been able to make a part of my community, and story. We meet people everyday, it is up to us if we let them impact us in mighty ways!
I ALWAYS love the T/F films. ALWAYS. There are always ways that the films themselves, and the conversations I have impact me.
This year I spent more time focusing on volunteering, than I did on seeing every film I possibly could. It was a time when I realized that being a part of something like this film fest is exactly what I love about my life, Columbia, and impacting my community for good.
Here's some of my film highlights:
Miss Kiet's Children- This film followed a teacher in the Netherlands. She taught refugee children from Syria. I loved this story so much. It is my top film for the weekend. It tugged at my heartstrings to go back overseas again, and do something crazy! If only I didn't need to get paid...I would go in a second. If you have the chance to see this film, watch it! It's a very beautiful story.
Quest- The True Life Fund film! I LOVED this film. I loved the story of this family. They truly are a family to look to for community and love. I am amazed by the amount of time this film took, and the perseverance that the film maker had. What a great way to tell their story! If you are wanting to see life from another person's perspective, or maybe even get encouragement yourself...this is the film to see.
Dina- One of the first films that I have laughed and cried. This film was about an autistic couple who meet, fall in love, and get married. It is a brilliant story. I think that sometimes we forget to look at the uniqueness of relationships and love. I loved Dina! I loved everything about this couple. They are so real with each other. What a beautiful story of life.
I Am Not Your Negro- I can't put into words how much I loved this film. Not in a make me feel good way. I loved this film in a make me think, and examine life kind of way. This film broke me, it made me mad, and it led me to a deeper understanding of how much we need to change in this world. I think every single person in our country, and even those not in our country need to go see this film. It is a film that is going to make people mad. It is a film that is going to spark great conversations if we let it. This film has the potential to change the world.
STEP- This film gets my #5 in the top five for this year. It is a brilliant film. It shows adversity, hard times, but it also shows what you can do through those hard times. I loved watching the young ladies in this film reach their goals, even through disappointment. I loved seeing them persevere even when they couldn't see the light. What an impact these ladies are going to make in our world!
Other films I got to see this weekend....
Railway Sleepers- I liked seeing all the different people. I connected with it because of Thailand, but it was too long for me.
SS Xenon- Good film! That's all I can say about that!
SS Argon- Thought-provoking film!
Stranger in Paradise- I liked how this film showed the European side to the influx of refugees. It still tugged at my heart, and parts of it made me angry. It also opened my eyes to some things I hadn't thought of before in terms of refugees.
Whose Streets- This was a well done film, and definitely gave me more to think about in terms of Ferguson, and all that took place in Mike Brown's death.
Recreations- This film was interesting. I am glad that it was only 45 minutes, but the teacher in me basically cringed through the whole thing. I couldn't stay for the Q & A, but I wish I would have been able to!
Films I would like to see.....let's hope they come to Ragtag....
The Force
Manifesto
The Graduation
The Road Movie
Donkeyote
Abacus: Small Enough to Jail
Casting JonBenet
Brimstone & Glory
The Cage Fighter
True/False is more than just a film festival. It is a community event. It takes 900+ volunteers to pull off this festival. To me that is something worth being a part of. I am so thankful to see the same people every year. I am so thankful that this is a place that I have been able to make a part of my community, and story. We meet people everyday, it is up to us if we let them impact us in mighty ways!
Thursday, February 23, 2017
When the Answer is No
I find myself wanting the answer to always be YES! Yes to anything and everything. That type of lifestyle doesn't work well because there is no way to always say yes. It is actually pretty impossible to do. I especially love to say yes to things when they are safe. When it is the safe job, the safe group of people, (you know the ones that are going to tell me what I want to hear), the safe feeling. I love to say yes when I am in control, and when it means everything going the way I want it to go.
No is a hard word for me. I put a lot of weight in how other people feel. It is actually one of the things I say in a job interview for something that I need to work on. I feel things deeply. I analyze people's reactions, and I don't let go when I should. No is hard for me because it seems personal, even when it isn't. I hate disappointing people, I hate letting people down. I want to please, for the world to be a peaceful place, and for everything to have the Yes answer.
Sometimes the answer has to be no. It isn't the right fit, or right time. Sometimes the answer is no because it is something that I shouldn't engage in. Sometimes the answer is no because I need to take a risk.
Something happened this week, and I had to give a no answer. It was such a wrestling match in my heart and soul. I cried, I prayed, and I came to terms with the fact that my heart just wasn't in it at this moment. The reason I stressed out so much was because it felt like if I said no I was going to be disappointing people. It felt like if I said no then I was making a definite decision that was going to impact some major things in the near future.
Yet, I said no. I said no because I am in a great place in life. I am single, available, and ready for big things. My life isn't limited anymore by the hopes of this or that. I know my worth, I know what I want from life, and that means saying no sometimes. That means saying no despite the risks. It means saying no in the midst of uncertainty. It means staying true to myself. I am so thankful that sometimes God makes it a No.
No is a hard word for me. I put a lot of weight in how other people feel. It is actually one of the things I say in a job interview for something that I need to work on. I feel things deeply. I analyze people's reactions, and I don't let go when I should. No is hard for me because it seems personal, even when it isn't. I hate disappointing people, I hate letting people down. I want to please, for the world to be a peaceful place, and for everything to have the Yes answer.
Sometimes the answer has to be no. It isn't the right fit, or right time. Sometimes the answer is no because it is something that I shouldn't engage in. Sometimes the answer is no because I need to take a risk.
Something happened this week, and I had to give a no answer. It was such a wrestling match in my heart and soul. I cried, I prayed, and I came to terms with the fact that my heart just wasn't in it at this moment. The reason I stressed out so much was because it felt like if I said no I was going to be disappointing people. It felt like if I said no then I was making a definite decision that was going to impact some major things in the near future.
Yet, I said no. I said no because I am in a great place in life. I am single, available, and ready for big things. My life isn't limited anymore by the hopes of this or that. I know my worth, I know what I want from life, and that means saying no sometimes. That means saying no despite the risks. It means saying no in the midst of uncertainty. It means staying true to myself. I am so thankful that sometimes God makes it a No.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Lent 2017
I can't believe that Lent is here, so soon! I feel like it was just Christmas, and now here we are at the peak of the Easter season! Next week marks the beginning of Lent. I find myself loving this season, mostly because it is a time for me to stop and reflect. A time for me to stop, breathe, pray, think, and change some habits in my life. A time for me to recommit myself to the closeness I long to feel with God. A time to give up something that takes a lot more of my time, then it should.
So, as I ponder and think about what takes the most of my time..... I decided to not watch Netflix, and Hulu during Lent! Even the thought of it makes me cringe a little. So, it looks like I will get a lot more reading in, and watching of documentaries.... films that will help me think and ponder more of life.
Here's to this coming up season of meditation, prayer, and greater focus on things above.
So, as I ponder and think about what takes the most of my time..... I decided to not watch Netflix, and Hulu during Lent! Even the thought of it makes me cringe a little. So, it looks like I will get a lot more reading in, and watching of documentaries.... films that will help me think and ponder more of life.
Here's to this coming up season of meditation, prayer, and greater focus on things above.
When Pain Makes us Stronger
This world is so broken. Every corner I turn to, everywhere I look I find myself bombarded with brokenness. In my own life too. I find myself constantly in a state of grieving for a world where people build each other up, instead of tearing down. I find myself wishing that I could see everyone the way Jesus does. I find myself longing for a place where we all agree, where guns aren't necessary, where fighting ceases to exist, and where I never have to worry about others judging me or accepting me.
That's not this world though, I have to wait. How do I live while I wait? Facing pain on a daily basis. Uncertain of the future sometimes, of where I am going.... or what diseases the future may hold. Tragedy strikes us at a moment's notice. How do I stop from just letting it overwhelm me?
In these last few weeks, I have heard a lot about sin, and justice. I have experienced a pain in my heart for things that I had stopped longing for. I have come to understand how pain has made me stronger. I have come to understand the purpose behind some people not being in my life anymore, or not being directly in my day to day.
Sometimes I put such a hold on people. I place them on a pedestal. I long for their approval more than God's. I see them in this light of grace and mercy that isn't for me to view them in. I try to keep them in my life at all costs. I allow others to be my god. I forget that I don't measure up on a daily basis, and that's okay. I forget to allow myself the grace that I give to others.
The truth is that there are people that aren't meant to be in our lives. There are experiences, and activities that we aren't meant to engage in. It is those people and activities that push us farther from God, instead of closer to Him that we need to let go of. Do you ever find yourself trapped in a routine, allowing those people/activities to voice your worth, to be in charge of the choices you make?
When we have to let go, it hurts. It hurts so much. Because we have invested time, energy, and love into those people/activities. We have sacrificed to make their lives better. We have connected with them, and gotten to know them. Yet, despite all of that....there has been pain. Pain that comes with rejection, pain that comes with disagreements, pain that comes because our choices didn't mesh well with others. So much pain.
In the pain though, isn't that when we understand more about the love? Isn't that when we have nothing to do, but kneel before our Creator and understand how this pain causes us to be absent from Him? How pain grows us, and changes us. How pain allows us to understand what we have been saved from.
For me pain no longer seems a threat. It no longer seems like something I want to escape from, because I can see through the pain. I can cope with the pain, because my focus is on something far greater than pain. My focus is above. My focus is on what I am here to do in this life. It's not about being the prettiest, the smartest, the most liked. It has everything to do with knowing God the most, and allowing that knowledge to overflow out of me into others.
I don't think that I have gotten this the past few years. I have been sidetracked into just being who everyone wanted me to be. I have given in to the pain way too much, and allowed it to change me in ways that I am not proud of. So, today I think and ponder how I am going to be different, embracing the pain. Understanding that it is not an eternal pain, and healing in truth and love.
Today I put aside the expectations that the past few years have created in me. I think and ponder new expectations, and live a life that is committed to being more in love with God everyday. When that's my focus...everything else seems to fall in place, and pain doesn't seem so destructive.
That's not this world though, I have to wait. How do I live while I wait? Facing pain on a daily basis. Uncertain of the future sometimes, of where I am going.... or what diseases the future may hold. Tragedy strikes us at a moment's notice. How do I stop from just letting it overwhelm me?
In these last few weeks, I have heard a lot about sin, and justice. I have experienced a pain in my heart for things that I had stopped longing for. I have come to understand how pain has made me stronger. I have come to understand the purpose behind some people not being in my life anymore, or not being directly in my day to day.
Sometimes I put such a hold on people. I place them on a pedestal. I long for their approval more than God's. I see them in this light of grace and mercy that isn't for me to view them in. I try to keep them in my life at all costs. I allow others to be my god. I forget that I don't measure up on a daily basis, and that's okay. I forget to allow myself the grace that I give to others.
The truth is that there are people that aren't meant to be in our lives. There are experiences, and activities that we aren't meant to engage in. It is those people and activities that push us farther from God, instead of closer to Him that we need to let go of. Do you ever find yourself trapped in a routine, allowing those people/activities to voice your worth, to be in charge of the choices you make?
When we have to let go, it hurts. It hurts so much. Because we have invested time, energy, and love into those people/activities. We have sacrificed to make their lives better. We have connected with them, and gotten to know them. Yet, despite all of that....there has been pain. Pain that comes with rejection, pain that comes with disagreements, pain that comes because our choices didn't mesh well with others. So much pain.
In the pain though, isn't that when we understand more about the love? Isn't that when we have nothing to do, but kneel before our Creator and understand how this pain causes us to be absent from Him? How pain grows us, and changes us. How pain allows us to understand what we have been saved from.
For me pain no longer seems a threat. It no longer seems like something I want to escape from, because I can see through the pain. I can cope with the pain, because my focus is on something far greater than pain. My focus is above. My focus is on what I am here to do in this life. It's not about being the prettiest, the smartest, the most liked. It has everything to do with knowing God the most, and allowing that knowledge to overflow out of me into others.
I don't think that I have gotten this the past few years. I have been sidetracked into just being who everyone wanted me to be. I have given in to the pain way too much, and allowed it to change me in ways that I am not proud of. So, today I think and ponder how I am going to be different, embracing the pain. Understanding that it is not an eternal pain, and healing in truth and love.
Today I put aside the expectations that the past few years have created in me. I think and ponder new expectations, and live a life that is committed to being more in love with God everyday. When that's my focus...everything else seems to fall in place, and pain doesn't seem so destructive.
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