We have to be honest. There comes a point when we have to look ourselves in the eyes, and admit that we don't have it all together. We have to admit that we are lost in a world of trying to please those around us. Admit that we are lost in a place of expecting everyone including God to constantly judge us. That our definition of love has been so changed and impacted by the world's definition that we have lost sight of what it truly means. We have created this messy outlook on life, on love that is defined by unrealistic expectations.
We have to be honest, and start believing in our beauty, believing in love, compassion, and justice. We have to understand that life is messy, that sometimes we are going to feel lonely, left out, and want to flee from all of it. We have to understand that sometimes expectations of ourselves are so high that we find ourselves pointing out failures more than successes. We find ourselves lost in a place where we think others are only seeing the bad, and not the good too.
We continue to put our thoughts and feelings on others that we have about ourselves. We lose people, and we allow our self talk to become negative. If only we had been different, if only we had not allowed them to see all of the failures, weaknesses that are inside of us. Maybe then we could still be friends. We allow ourselves to believe that it is our fault completely when relationships/friendships are uprooted, or when a best friend becomes nothing more than an acquaintance or perhaps even less than that.... they cease to exist in our life at all.
The truth is that it is not really about what the world wants us to think. It is actually not even about what our friends think. It is really truly about what we in the deepest part of ourselves believe to be truth, and believe to be real. It is about being honest, the messiest version of honest that we can be.
To me that means opening up, and talking. Talking about when I am feeling lonely. Talking about when I do not feel like I am enough. Talking about those things that create a large hole inside of me. Most of all not allowing my view of love, and community to be determined by the world, but rather by God Himself.
So today's messy honesty. I am in a rut. I feel like my life that I had dreamed about slipped through my fingers somewhere along the way, and I don't know how to get control of it again. I feel like I am not enough for a lot of people. That I am too big, too loud, too opinionated, too insecure, too strong, too much of some things and not enough of others. I feel like I don't matter sometimes. The people that I thought I had mattered to, have pretty much shut me out, and it feels lonely. I feel like I am having to start all over again, and this time it isn't my choice. I feel like I am not enough.
That's my messy honesty. I know that even just admitting how I feel and talking about it, helps me. It helps me realize that I don't have to feel that way. There are greater truths out there. Sometimes though, we just need time to work through what those truths are.
So today, I choose honesty, and vulnerability. Today I choose to look at what my view of love, compassion, and community is from a non-world view. Today I choose messy honesty, and a different kind of love.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Expectations...
Did you ever make that list in high school or college? That list that had everything you wanted in another person. You know down to the very details. Did you ever find that list years later and think....Ha! There is NO way someone could meet everyone of those details you put on your list.
Oh sure, I have met people along the way who have that fantastic story of that person that meets everything they ever wanted in a best friend/husband/wife. They are the perfect couple, and blah...blah....blah.....
But for the mass majority of us....that list is far from reality. Especially as we get older. Now as I think about that person that I hope is out there...I am amazed at how many guys probably could have worked.
Okay, so it is no prince charming/Cinderella story....but isn't love messy?
Shouldn't it be about that person that challenges us to live a better life, not just the one that we have the most chemistry with...or the one that we find the most pleasing to the eye.
Isn't love about sacrifice, forgiveness, and growing in it every single day?
Okay, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be a connection, and some kind of physical attraction, but I am saying that don't we put too much stock in trying to make that person fit that list. Maybe we are looking at the list so long and trying to match the qualities up that we think that perfect person should have, that we actually miss the person that is right in front of us. Maybe the person that is right in front of us is the one person that is going to be able to break through all the walls, and fear, but we won't give them a chance because they are holding the wrong hammer. Or they aren't holding it the right way, or they don't look right when they are holding it the right way.
Isn't it time for us to put away the expectations that society has for us. Put away the "perfect" version of people that we want to have in our lives, and accept the messy ones that are in our lives. Isn't it time that we allow our hearts to be penetrated by someone that can love us the way Jesus did. Someone that sees our faults, but still wants to be a part of our life. Someone that we might not have everything in common with, but they know how to hold our hand and say a prayer with us. Or they might not be the hottest guy/girl on the block, but they never miss an opportunity to help someone in need.
So maybe he/she doesn't have every single quality that we have looked for, but they have a connection with us that surpasses any we have ever known. They listen to us, and understand us. They challenge us to love in a greater way, and they pray with us. Those are the qualities that I think should surpass all others. Because those are the qualities that are going into eternity.
Expectations seem to ruin a lot of things. Mostly relationships. Maybe God's best for me isn't meeting everything on the "list" because He has things I need to learn apart from my "ideal" relationship.
I sometimes think that if we could lower our expectations, then God could do more. Maybe I'm wrong...but that's how I'm feeling today.
Oh sure, I have met people along the way who have that fantastic story of that person that meets everything they ever wanted in a best friend/husband/wife. They are the perfect couple, and blah...blah....blah.....
But for the mass majority of us....that list is far from reality. Especially as we get older. Now as I think about that person that I hope is out there...I am amazed at how many guys probably could have worked.
Okay, so it is no prince charming/Cinderella story....but isn't love messy?
Shouldn't it be about that person that challenges us to live a better life, not just the one that we have the most chemistry with...or the one that we find the most pleasing to the eye.
Isn't love about sacrifice, forgiveness, and growing in it every single day?
Okay, I'm not saying that there shouldn't be a connection, and some kind of physical attraction, but I am saying that don't we put too much stock in trying to make that person fit that list. Maybe we are looking at the list so long and trying to match the qualities up that we think that perfect person should have, that we actually miss the person that is right in front of us. Maybe the person that is right in front of us is the one person that is going to be able to break through all the walls, and fear, but we won't give them a chance because they are holding the wrong hammer. Or they aren't holding it the right way, or they don't look right when they are holding it the right way.
Isn't it time for us to put away the expectations that society has for us. Put away the "perfect" version of people that we want to have in our lives, and accept the messy ones that are in our lives. Isn't it time that we allow our hearts to be penetrated by someone that can love us the way Jesus did. Someone that sees our faults, but still wants to be a part of our life. Someone that we might not have everything in common with, but they know how to hold our hand and say a prayer with us. Or they might not be the hottest guy/girl on the block, but they never miss an opportunity to help someone in need.
So maybe he/she doesn't have every single quality that we have looked for, but they have a connection with us that surpasses any we have ever known. They listen to us, and understand us. They challenge us to love in a greater way, and they pray with us. Those are the qualities that I think should surpass all others. Because those are the qualities that are going into eternity.
Expectations seem to ruin a lot of things. Mostly relationships. Maybe God's best for me isn't meeting everything on the "list" because He has things I need to learn apart from my "ideal" relationship.
I sometimes think that if we could lower our expectations, then God could do more. Maybe I'm wrong...but that's how I'm feeling today.
Why Hatred is Eating Away our Hearts....
For the longest time I wasn't very vocal about how I felt when it came to the #blacklivesmatter movement. I thought that it was important, but not worth all the controversy of me voicing my opinion. I mean don't get me wrong I talked to my friends, and family about it. But that was as far as it went. It isn't like I didn't care, because I did. I cared a lot, but it is almost like I didn't truly understand it. I didn't truly get the fact, because I believed that there was just cause in the shootings. I believed what the media told me. I believed that killing was the only way.
Then I stopped believing it.
You know why I stopped believing it? Because it isn't true.
We have a hate problem right now in America. We have a fear problem. It is breaking us. It is tearing us apart. It is causing us to lose people that are making a difference in our nation. It is breaking apart families. It is a problem.
It isn't THEIR problem. It is MINE. It is each of OURS.
You know why?
Because I am a Christian, and I believe that people were created in God's image. So, if God's people are being gunned down just because they have a different skin color than I do. It isn't okay with me.
You know why else?
Because I believe that EVERYONE is valued and loved. That's right EVERYONE! No matter what gender you are, no matter what color your skin is, no matter where you are from. EVERY SINGLE PERSON that is on this planet, is VALUED and LOVED.
I don't know how to say it any clearer, but no one knows my thoughts or feelings, because no one has walked in my shoes. No one understands the fear that I have when I have to walk in a parking garage by myself late at night, no one knows that fear unless you have lived through that fear also. No one understands what it is like to live in another country and leave behind everything and everyone, unless you have lived that.
I don't know what it is like to be a minority in the United States, because I HAVE NEVER BEEN A MINORITY IN THE UNITED STATES!
I will never understand what it is like. So, I do not feel justified in pointing out how my life matters, when I have never been made to feel like it didn't because of my skin color.
I sure have in regards to my gender, but that is another situation entirely.
So, I guess my point is that I have people, people that I respect and love posting things, and saying things that are so degrading to their fellow human beings. People that claim to hold the love of Jesus in their hearts are sitting their saying so many slang words, about others that I don't even know how to comprehend everything that I am hearing.
Aren't we supposed to be about love?
Aren't we supposed to be about putting others needs before our own?
What if it was your husband? Your son? Your daughter?
What if it was your niece or nephew?
More than that...what if it was your next door neighbor?
Aren't we supposed to be treating everyone like our neighbors. Loving them, no matter what? Isn't that what we are called to do?
I can't swallow the hate that is in this nation right now. I can't just sit back and say that it is okay. When college students are painting their faces black, and posting things on social media...there is something really wrong with this world. When the confederate flag is being flown as a symbol of power, and prejudice there is something really wrong with this world. When we have more love and compassion for a man who raped someone, then one who was murdered there is something really wrong with this world.
And I know there is! We live in a fallen world. We are a fallen people. But the problem is that if some of us don't stand up to the hate that is eating away at our hearts. If we don't choose love, then what is the point in even claiming His name? What is the point in even trying to make a difference?
We have to let go of hate. We have to examine our hearts, and ask ourselves what are prejudices are. We all have them. We have to start letting them go. All of us, no matter what color we are, gender we are, where we come from. We have to learn to love again.
#blacklivesmatter
Then I stopped believing it.
You know why I stopped believing it? Because it isn't true.
We have a hate problem right now in America. We have a fear problem. It is breaking us. It is tearing us apart. It is causing us to lose people that are making a difference in our nation. It is breaking apart families. It is a problem.
It isn't THEIR problem. It is MINE. It is each of OURS.
You know why?
Because I am a Christian, and I believe that people were created in God's image. So, if God's people are being gunned down just because they have a different skin color than I do. It isn't okay with me.
You know why else?
Because I believe that EVERYONE is valued and loved. That's right EVERYONE! No matter what gender you are, no matter what color your skin is, no matter where you are from. EVERY SINGLE PERSON that is on this planet, is VALUED and LOVED.
I don't know how to say it any clearer, but no one knows my thoughts or feelings, because no one has walked in my shoes. No one understands the fear that I have when I have to walk in a parking garage by myself late at night, no one knows that fear unless you have lived through that fear also. No one understands what it is like to live in another country and leave behind everything and everyone, unless you have lived that.
I don't know what it is like to be a minority in the United States, because I HAVE NEVER BEEN A MINORITY IN THE UNITED STATES!
I will never understand what it is like. So, I do not feel justified in pointing out how my life matters, when I have never been made to feel like it didn't because of my skin color.
I sure have in regards to my gender, but that is another situation entirely.
So, I guess my point is that I have people, people that I respect and love posting things, and saying things that are so degrading to their fellow human beings. People that claim to hold the love of Jesus in their hearts are sitting their saying so many slang words, about others that I don't even know how to comprehend everything that I am hearing.
Aren't we supposed to be about love?
Aren't we supposed to be about putting others needs before our own?
What if it was your husband? Your son? Your daughter?
What if it was your niece or nephew?
More than that...what if it was your next door neighbor?
Aren't we supposed to be treating everyone like our neighbors. Loving them, no matter what? Isn't that what we are called to do?
I can't swallow the hate that is in this nation right now. I can't just sit back and say that it is okay. When college students are painting their faces black, and posting things on social media...there is something really wrong with this world. When the confederate flag is being flown as a symbol of power, and prejudice there is something really wrong with this world. When we have more love and compassion for a man who raped someone, then one who was murdered there is something really wrong with this world.
And I know there is! We live in a fallen world. We are a fallen people. But the problem is that if some of us don't stand up to the hate that is eating away at our hearts. If we don't choose love, then what is the point in even claiming His name? What is the point in even trying to make a difference?
We have to let go of hate. We have to examine our hearts, and ask ourselves what are prejudices are. We all have them. We have to start letting them go. All of us, no matter what color we are, gender we are, where we come from. We have to learn to love again.
#blacklivesmatter
Sunday, September 18, 2016
One day....
I've been thinking about friendships, relationships, and community a lot in the past month or so. I feel like this past year I have grown in my ability to do those things well. I still am not perfect by any means, but I am at least in a much better place than I was a year ago. But I still have a few hopes...
One day I hope to come across a person that I connect with on a deep level, and we just know.
One day I hope that I come across a person that can totally get my sarcasm, and not be offended by it...but instead give it back.
One day I hope that I come across a person that truly wants to serve others, and lead by example.
One day I hope that I come across a person that tells me I am beautiful, and never stops saying it.
One day I hope that I don't have to wonder if someone is just going to stop being my friend.
One day I hope that I will not doubt people's intentions.
One day I hope that I will know what it is like to love a child of my own.
One day I hope that I get to understand what it means to never give up on someone.
One day I hope that someone tells me I will never be too much for them.
One day I hope that I get to fall head over heels in love.
One day I hope that the world especially the church stops looking down on single people, and instead embraces them.
One day I hope that I will be able to understand others without getting mixed messages.
One day I hope that I will be able to say exactly how I feel, when I feel it.
One day I hope that I will be confident enough to peel away the remaining layers.
One day I hope that people will start truly caring about the insides of others, and falling in love with souls instead of bodies.
One day I hope that connections lead to more instead of pushing away from less.
One day I hope that intentions could just be second nature.
One day I hope that love will overcome all.
One day....
One day I hope to come across a person that I connect with on a deep level, and we just know.
One day I hope that I come across a person that can totally get my sarcasm, and not be offended by it...but instead give it back.
One day I hope that I come across a person that truly wants to serve others, and lead by example.
One day I hope that I come across a person that tells me I am beautiful, and never stops saying it.
One day I hope that I don't have to wonder if someone is just going to stop being my friend.
One day I hope that I will not doubt people's intentions.
One day I hope that I will know what it is like to love a child of my own.
One day I hope that I get to understand what it means to never give up on someone.
One day I hope that someone tells me I will never be too much for them.
One day I hope that I get to fall head over heels in love.
One day I hope that the world especially the church stops looking down on single people, and instead embraces them.
One day I hope that I will be able to understand others without getting mixed messages.
One day I hope that I will be able to say exactly how I feel, when I feel it.
One day I hope that I will be confident enough to peel away the remaining layers.
One day I hope that people will start truly caring about the insides of others, and falling in love with souls instead of bodies.
One day I hope that connections lead to more instead of pushing away from less.
One day I hope that intentions could just be second nature.
One day I hope that love will overcome all.
One day....
When God says Yes.
It has been a little while since I have written. I feel like I have been caught up in a lot of things that are trying to steal my attention and time. A lot of things that are trying to hook me in so that I forget why I am actually here in the first place. I forget my purpose, and my dreams. I forget that I still have so much to accomplish, but that it isn't really about me.
Do you ever feel tired. Tired of life, tired of living in a chaotic existence? Tired of the crazy amount of work that you have to do, all for what? This week I had to spend a lot of time examining my heart, and my future. I am still in the midst of some pretty big decisions. Decisions that will impact a lot of different aspects of my life. Decisions that need to be made, but I am for once having a really hard time with change. I usually thrive on it, I usually love it. But this time, change is really hard. Because it is going to be so good, but it is literally going to change EVERYTHING!
How do I continue to go in the direction I am supposed to go, and stay the same? I can't. I can't stay the same. I have to learn and grow from the experiences that have been impacting me. I have to open up to the future, and what is going to happen. I have to accept that some people are only in my life to steer me onto the next BIG thing.
I wish it wasn't that way. I really do!
We have to live life to the fullest. We have to open ourselves up to change, to redirection, and to stepping outside of our comfort zone. We have to finish the race. We can't get caught up in the things that want to make us stumble.
That means making changes, BIG changes. That means making priorities that are not directed towards my own selfish wants/desires. That means giving up some things that I don't want to let go of.
But it also means a life that is running the race well.
Do you ever feel tired. Tired of life, tired of living in a chaotic existence? Tired of the crazy amount of work that you have to do, all for what? This week I had to spend a lot of time examining my heart, and my future. I am still in the midst of some pretty big decisions. Decisions that will impact a lot of different aspects of my life. Decisions that need to be made, but I am for once having a really hard time with change. I usually thrive on it, I usually love it. But this time, change is really hard. Because it is going to be so good, but it is literally going to change EVERYTHING!
How do I continue to go in the direction I am supposed to go, and stay the same? I can't. I can't stay the same. I have to learn and grow from the experiences that have been impacting me. I have to open up to the future, and what is going to happen. I have to accept that some people are only in my life to steer me onto the next BIG thing.
I wish it wasn't that way. I really do!
We have to live life to the fullest. We have to open ourselves up to change, to redirection, and to stepping outside of our comfort zone. We have to finish the race. We can't get caught up in the things that want to make us stumble.
That means making changes, BIG changes. That means making priorities that are not directed towards my own selfish wants/desires. That means giving up some things that I don't want to let go of.
But it also means a life that is running the race well.
Friday, September 2, 2016
Growth and Change....
This week has been a tough week in many ways, but it has been a releasing week as well. I have so many thoughts and so much to say. I have had two different people in the past week write things to me, that had the potential to do some damage. One of them I hadn't heard from in awhile, the other I just had a conversation with the other day.
It is amazing to me how in our lives we find ourselves on this path to become a better person. Sometimes in that quest we are faced with letting go of people and ideals that we have. We find ourselves needing to start clean, fresh, and leave behind the things that have caused us pain. Sometimes we even have to let go of people that we thought we would fight alongside for the rest of our lives.
I do not necessarily think that letting go is bad. I think that sometimes our relationships outgrow each other. Sometimes we have a different path to take that is leading us to a different destination. I wish that people wouldn't see themselves as superior when this is the case, but unfortunately I think that is the age we live in. We find ourselves needing to put others down in order to move forward. When in reality it doesn't have to be about that. It could just be about the fact that our values are different, and our paths are leading us to better things that do not include the other person. Of course it stinks, and of course it is rough. But.... if the alternative is making each others lives worse, then what other choice is there?
I believe in being authentic and real. I believe in other people being authentic and real, but I don't believe in attacking someone's character. I don't believe in holding things in and unleashing the crackin' on someone. It isn't me, it isn't what I am about and I don't want any part of it.
In the past I have been the most sarcastic person you could find, and even now days depending on who I am around my sarcasm can sometimes come out in leaps and bounds. But I have worked SO hard to tame it in. I have worked SO hard to be a person who loves others. I can't always say how much I love someone to their face. My love language is written notes, and gifts. My love language is the time that I spend just hanging out and sacrificing those moments for others. I try my hardest to love without expectation, but unfortunately my humanness always finds a way to bring expectations.
I am a work in progress. I have faults, I have insecurities, I am emotional. Sometimes those things drive me. Sometimes those things get the best of me. How do I move forward in a world where people attack my insecurities?
I take one day at a time. I look into the truths of what I am. I examine myself and I do try to strengthen the good, and let go of the bad. But I also just love. I love myself for who I am, and who I am evolving to be. I love the fact that life brings us so many people to learn from and grow with. I embrace the mess that I am, and understand that everyday is about being given grace. I give grace and love in a world where people see it as anything but that.
I also try my best to lose my expectations of others. I know that there will never be a day where I don't have expectations, because I do hold people to a high standard. I expect people to treat me decently and humanly. I expect people that I love to do that. I expect them to try their very best to be my friend, to love me, and to be honest with me.
I am in the midst of some major life changes. I am in the midst of needing to let go of some thought patterns that I have held on to for awhile. But I am also on the brink of some really great things. Some of those things I need to let go of other things/people in order to move forward in. I don't think that it means anything is bad or wrong. I think that it just means sometimes along the path of growth we have to breathe different air. We have to be around different music. I never want to let go of things that should be in my life, but I also never want to hold on to things that shouldn't.
So today I embrace some change that I know is coming. I examine my heart and my mind knowing that I am not perfect, but I am so worthy. I am worthy of love and honesty. I am worthy of trust and respect. I am worthy of meaningful relationships that build me up, and guide me down the path of truth. I am worthy of those things. I will continue to evolve and change, by taking life one day at a time. I will never be perfect, but I sure as heck will be a better person today than I was yesterday.
I also will never let someone shame me into thinking I am anything but a beautiful, created, living vessel. My life is valued and loved. It doesn't matter how broken I am, or how far I still have to go. My life gives to this world, and makes a difference. I may be taking a different path than the next person, but that path is still a part of a community, and is still necessary to this broken world.
It is amazing to me how in our lives we find ourselves on this path to become a better person. Sometimes in that quest we are faced with letting go of people and ideals that we have. We find ourselves needing to start clean, fresh, and leave behind the things that have caused us pain. Sometimes we even have to let go of people that we thought we would fight alongside for the rest of our lives.
I do not necessarily think that letting go is bad. I think that sometimes our relationships outgrow each other. Sometimes we have a different path to take that is leading us to a different destination. I wish that people wouldn't see themselves as superior when this is the case, but unfortunately I think that is the age we live in. We find ourselves needing to put others down in order to move forward. When in reality it doesn't have to be about that. It could just be about the fact that our values are different, and our paths are leading us to better things that do not include the other person. Of course it stinks, and of course it is rough. But.... if the alternative is making each others lives worse, then what other choice is there?
I believe in being authentic and real. I believe in other people being authentic and real, but I don't believe in attacking someone's character. I don't believe in holding things in and unleashing the crackin' on someone. It isn't me, it isn't what I am about and I don't want any part of it.
In the past I have been the most sarcastic person you could find, and even now days depending on who I am around my sarcasm can sometimes come out in leaps and bounds. But I have worked SO hard to tame it in. I have worked SO hard to be a person who loves others. I can't always say how much I love someone to their face. My love language is written notes, and gifts. My love language is the time that I spend just hanging out and sacrificing those moments for others. I try my hardest to love without expectation, but unfortunately my humanness always finds a way to bring expectations.
I am a work in progress. I have faults, I have insecurities, I am emotional. Sometimes those things drive me. Sometimes those things get the best of me. How do I move forward in a world where people attack my insecurities?
I take one day at a time. I look into the truths of what I am. I examine myself and I do try to strengthen the good, and let go of the bad. But I also just love. I love myself for who I am, and who I am evolving to be. I love the fact that life brings us so many people to learn from and grow with. I embrace the mess that I am, and understand that everyday is about being given grace. I give grace and love in a world where people see it as anything but that.
I also try my best to lose my expectations of others. I know that there will never be a day where I don't have expectations, because I do hold people to a high standard. I expect people to treat me decently and humanly. I expect people that I love to do that. I expect them to try their very best to be my friend, to love me, and to be honest with me.
I am in the midst of some major life changes. I am in the midst of needing to let go of some thought patterns that I have held on to for awhile. But I am also on the brink of some really great things. Some of those things I need to let go of other things/people in order to move forward in. I don't think that it means anything is bad or wrong. I think that it just means sometimes along the path of growth we have to breathe different air. We have to be around different music. I never want to let go of things that should be in my life, but I also never want to hold on to things that shouldn't.
So today I embrace some change that I know is coming. I examine my heart and my mind knowing that I am not perfect, but I am so worthy. I am worthy of love and honesty. I am worthy of trust and respect. I am worthy of meaningful relationships that build me up, and guide me down the path of truth. I am worthy of those things. I will continue to evolve and change, by taking life one day at a time. I will never be perfect, but I sure as heck will be a better person today than I was yesterday.
I also will never let someone shame me into thinking I am anything but a beautiful, created, living vessel. My life is valued and loved. It doesn't matter how broken I am, or how far I still have to go. My life gives to this world, and makes a difference. I may be taking a different path than the next person, but that path is still a part of a community, and is still necessary to this broken world.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
35..... and my 40 before 40 list....
Yikes! I didn't realize that it has almost been a whole month since I blogged! Where did the time go? Ahhh....I am so not ready for my life to keep going at this crazy speed.
Here I am a week away from being 35. I am not really sure how to understand everything that is the age of 35. I don't feel almost 35. I don't even really feel in my 30's. Maybe that is how everyone feels? Do we all just feel like we don't ever age? Oh sure, my body is definitely telling me that the aging process is coming more rapidly then I really want it to. But here I am sitting down to write my list of 40 things I want to accomplish before I turn 40. That's in 5 freaking years! How crazy is that???
When I think about my 35 years, I am pretty overwhelmed by all that I have been through, all that I have overcome. Even more I am pretty amazed by how much I have changed and grown over the past year especially. How I have allowed my mistakes to change me instead of define me. How I have embraced the mess that I am, and grasped a hold of the amazing woman I am evolving into.
Every single day I understand more and more of why I was put on this earth. I don't always get things right. My heart gets hurt, I get emotional, I misunderstand, but you know what I can say this... EVERY SINGLE DAY I AM MAKING A DIFFERENCE! That's what matters. My heart loves life. My heart loves people!
This hasn't always been true for me. There was a time when I thought that I would be better off if I didn't come in contact with others. There was a time when I allowed the lies that I didn't make a difference, or that I was too much to crush me. I allowed them to define me. I allowed them to build a wall around me.
That wall has slowly been disappearing brick by brick. It is not completely down yet. In fact sometimes I feel like the bricks are only loosened just a little, especially the ones that have been pushed in with scoop after scoop of cement. You know the ones that I just can't quite let go of yet, because they hold the deepest parts of me away. They protect me, if only a little bit.
In my growth of my walls being torn down, I have found myself disappointed that others aren't at the same point I am. I have found myself longing for authentic friendships and relationships with people that just aren't there yet. It has hurt me, made me sad, and in some cases made me feel like I wasn't good enough for them to trust. The truth is that we all have our own journey. We all are at different places. But, when we find those people...the ones who are willing to let us help them break those bricks...that is when life seems really worth living in community.
My hope and prayer is that I keep finding those people. My hope and prayer is that I am able to help others break down the walls that have been broken down for me. My hope and prayer is that in these next 5 years, I will dive even further into the land of loving people where they are. Of being a listening ear without trying to solve any problems, and of one day finding someone who can be that for me as well.
Community, tribe, love, authenticness...these are all words that make my heart swell. These are all words that have come to have real meaning for me, especially in the last year. I am so thankful and blessed. I am so overwhelmed by how God moves to show His love.
Below is my 40 before 40 list....
I am pretty sure it is set, but I am also allowing myself the grace to change it if I want to. So there might be revisions as I go about these next 5 years. But on my list I put realistic things. Not dreams, but things that I can make happen. There are some things I would love to add to my list, but they are not in my control. Those things will continue to be in my heart, and maybe one day they can be added. But for now, they remain a prayer.....
These are in complete random order.....
#1 Attend a Renaissance Festival
#2 Celebrate New Year's in New York City and watch the ball drop!
#3 Pay School Loans down
#4 Go Skydiving
#5 Get a tattoo
#6 Drive the Pacific Coast Highway all the way down California
#7 See a show on Broadway
#8 Get to know 5 good wine and cheese pairings, and host a wine tasting
#9 Hike some of the PCT
#10 Get in the best shape of my life
#11 Go skinnydipping
#12 Go to an Art Museum once a year
#13 Visit Napa Valley
#14 Go on a cruise
#15 Learn how to cook Risotto
#16 Go geocaching
#17 Meet a hero (Mandy Hale, Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed)
#18 Be open to new dating opportunities
#19 Take the ultimate U.S. Road Trip (solo)
#20 Read every book by C.S. Lewis
#21 Learn to Knit
#22 Take Spanish and be able to hold a conversation
#23 Read 100 books
#24 Get a hair cut at a fancy salon
#25 Cook/Bake all my gma's recipes
#26 See a show at The Fox
#27 Read the Bible Cover to Cover each year
#28 Drink tea instead of coffee in the afternoon
#29 Run the Bolder Boulder
#30 Watch every film on AFI top 100
#31 Go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor as recommended
#32 Complete a 1/2 marathon
#33 Write a short story
#34 Take a 24 hour solitude/no phone retreat 4 times a year
#35 Pray everyday
#36 Donate 2% of income each year to charity
#37 Try yoga
#38 Send 10 letters a year to friends far away
#39 Make something crafty and sell it
#40 Build my business
I'm pretty proud of my list. I think it is doable! I have a week to prepare! :)
Here I am a week away from being 35. I am not really sure how to understand everything that is the age of 35. I don't feel almost 35. I don't even really feel in my 30's. Maybe that is how everyone feels? Do we all just feel like we don't ever age? Oh sure, my body is definitely telling me that the aging process is coming more rapidly then I really want it to. But here I am sitting down to write my list of 40 things I want to accomplish before I turn 40. That's in 5 freaking years! How crazy is that???
When I think about my 35 years, I am pretty overwhelmed by all that I have been through, all that I have overcome. Even more I am pretty amazed by how much I have changed and grown over the past year especially. How I have allowed my mistakes to change me instead of define me. How I have embraced the mess that I am, and grasped a hold of the amazing woman I am evolving into.
Every single day I understand more and more of why I was put on this earth. I don't always get things right. My heart gets hurt, I get emotional, I misunderstand, but you know what I can say this... EVERY SINGLE DAY I AM MAKING A DIFFERENCE! That's what matters. My heart loves life. My heart loves people!
This hasn't always been true for me. There was a time when I thought that I would be better off if I didn't come in contact with others. There was a time when I allowed the lies that I didn't make a difference, or that I was too much to crush me. I allowed them to define me. I allowed them to build a wall around me.
That wall has slowly been disappearing brick by brick. It is not completely down yet. In fact sometimes I feel like the bricks are only loosened just a little, especially the ones that have been pushed in with scoop after scoop of cement. You know the ones that I just can't quite let go of yet, because they hold the deepest parts of me away. They protect me, if only a little bit.
In my growth of my walls being torn down, I have found myself disappointed that others aren't at the same point I am. I have found myself longing for authentic friendships and relationships with people that just aren't there yet. It has hurt me, made me sad, and in some cases made me feel like I wasn't good enough for them to trust. The truth is that we all have our own journey. We all are at different places. But, when we find those people...the ones who are willing to let us help them break those bricks...that is when life seems really worth living in community.
My hope and prayer is that I keep finding those people. My hope and prayer is that I am able to help others break down the walls that have been broken down for me. My hope and prayer is that in these next 5 years, I will dive even further into the land of loving people where they are. Of being a listening ear without trying to solve any problems, and of one day finding someone who can be that for me as well.
Community, tribe, love, authenticness...these are all words that make my heart swell. These are all words that have come to have real meaning for me, especially in the last year. I am so thankful and blessed. I am so overwhelmed by how God moves to show His love.
Below is my 40 before 40 list....
I am pretty sure it is set, but I am also allowing myself the grace to change it if I want to. So there might be revisions as I go about these next 5 years. But on my list I put realistic things. Not dreams, but things that I can make happen. There are some things I would love to add to my list, but they are not in my control. Those things will continue to be in my heart, and maybe one day they can be added. But for now, they remain a prayer.....
These are in complete random order.....
#1 Attend a Renaissance Festival
#2 Celebrate New Year's in New York City and watch the ball drop!
#3 Pay School Loans down
#4 Go Skydiving
#5 Get a tattoo
#6 Drive the Pacific Coast Highway all the way down California
#7 See a show on Broadway
#8 Get to know 5 good wine and cheese pairings, and host a wine tasting
#9 Hike some of the PCT
#10 Get in the best shape of my life
#11 Go skinnydipping
#12 Go to an Art Museum once a year
#13 Visit Napa Valley
#14 Go on a cruise
#15 Learn how to cook Risotto
#16 Go geocaching
#17 Meet a hero (Mandy Hale, Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed)
#18 Be open to new dating opportunities
#19 Take the ultimate U.S. Road Trip (solo)
#20 Read every book by C.S. Lewis
#21 Learn to Knit
#22 Take Spanish and be able to hold a conversation
#23 Read 100 books
#24 Get a hair cut at a fancy salon
#25 Cook/Bake all my gma's recipes
#26 See a show at The Fox
#27 Read the Bible Cover to Cover each year
#28 Drink tea instead of coffee in the afternoon
#29 Run the Bolder Boulder
#30 Watch every film on AFI top 100
#31 Go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor as recommended
#32 Complete a 1/2 marathon
#33 Write a short story
#34 Take a 24 hour solitude/no phone retreat 4 times a year
#35 Pray everyday
#36 Donate 2% of income each year to charity
#37 Try yoga
#38 Send 10 letters a year to friends far away
#39 Make something crafty and sell it
#40 Build my business
I'm pretty proud of my list. I think it is doable! I have a week to prepare! :)
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