I'm thankful for 2015, what it brought me and what it is allowing me to leave behind.
In 2015 I learned a lot about myself, what I am willing to put up with as a person and what I am not willing to put up with.
I started the year in a really low place. A place of doubt, insecurity, uncertainty about my future, and not a lot of hope.
I feel like my summer helped me to run back to God.
I found Him, I found community. I found truth, light, love. I find a place where I could be myself.
2015 will always be a year of healing for me. The year that God brought me through a lot of self-doubt, fear, and destruction. The year that He showed me just how far His grace and love go.
The year He answered so many prayers.
I am so thankful for this year. I am thankful for the ups and downs. I am thankful for the mistakes. I am thankful for the successes. I am thankful that through it all I am looking to 2016 with so much joy and happiness.
I am excited to see what is to come.
2015.... Thanks to a God who Heals.....Loves.....Forgives....and gives us Abundantly more than we deserve!
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Authentically Single....
2016....the year that I claim as the year to embrace my singleness.
Last year at this time I would have been writing a completely different blog about singleness. I had just gone through a pretty traumatic break-up when the Holiday Season rolled around. It was hard, I was mourning a relationship that I had thought would end up in engagement and marriage in the next few years. I was dealing with a lot of opinions about myself that this past relationship had allowed me to believe. I was in the beginning stages of grief. For I had lost someone very close to me. Up until about a month ago I was still in the process of grieving the expectations that go along with a long-term relationship that turns into what you think is a friendship. The truth is though that there are some people that we just can't stay friends with. There are some people that we have to completely cut ties with.
In cutting those ties, we realize that string, it was in fact holding us back from freedom.
I cut the ties.
I choose to embrace who I am.
Singleness I feel like has a really bad place in our world. For a long time I agreed with those that thought it was not living out a real life to be single. Those that think that singles cannot truly make an impact on this world. Or that singles are just waiting till the day they meet their match and then they can truly be welcomed into the "bigger community" of moms, dads, husbands, and wives.
I used to think that way too. Actually up until like a month ago...then I realized what I was doing. In every move, in every chance encounter... inside my head I would ask....is he the one? Or maybe him? Should I go back to online dating, or maybe I should see if someone has a friend they can set me up with? Why? Why are those thoughts the first thoughts that come into my head?
I think it is because that is what we are programmed to think. That somehow if I am single, childless 30 something year old there must be something wrong with me. That I need to just look harder and then I will find someone. I will be complete once I find someone. I will fit in more to the social norms once I find someone. That my life will begin once I find someone.
Sure maybe people won't say these things to my face, but they think them.
So....what do I do with all of this?
How do I face these expectations head-on? I think by embracing a single life. I think by showing society that the social norms, don't have to necessarily be norms...
How do I live authentically single?
#1 I don't focus on "finding someone." Life isn't about that. Yes, God created us to desire to have someone to share our life with, but the reality is that not everyone ends up with someone. I don't need to analyze every single male I come in contact with and wonder if they have the qualities that I am looking for. I don't focus on "finding someone."
#2 I focus on myself, and what God needs to do in me right now, during this season. Obviously I am single for a reason. There are things that God needs to teach me during this stage of my life that He couldn't teach me if I was married with 2.5 kids. I need to learn things NOW, so that I am READY for whatever is to come.
#3 I don't compare myself to others. We all do it, in life we all compare. I find that living an authentically single life means I don't compare myself to anyone else, especially other single 30 something year olds. My journey is mine, it is not theirs. I am not in competition with anyone, but who I was yesterday.
#4 I take time to heal. There are some bruises and quite a bit of baggage from my previous friendships/relationships that impact how I deal with people today. I need to heal from those. I need to allow myself to feel them, and then let them go. I need to acknowledge those things in my past that could possibly affect my future. I need to break down those walls, so that when the time comes I am ready to freely love.
#5 I don't put a time limit on when I am going to "find someone." There isn't a time limit, that person is not going to just "pass me by." I can't give it a time limit, because that isn't what it is about. I am not counting down the days until I am considered an "Old Maid." I am not going to explode if I don't get married by 35. A time limit does nothing but set unrealistic expectations on everyone involved.
#6 I give myself grace. There are going to be days when I HATE being single. On those days I am going to allow myself grace. I am going to let myself grieve the relationship that I crave, and then I am going to pick myself up and keep going.
#7 I will love. I will love those around me in mighty ways. I will fill my life with people that I can spend quality time with, and I will love them no matter what. I will break down walls and love no matter what risks there might be.
#8 I will be intentional. I will take time to talk to those around me. I will make authentic community a part of my everyday. I will seek out those that might be alone, or lonely. I will intentionally connect on a deeper level with everyone I meet.
#9 I will embrace this season. No matter if this season lasts for 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, or a lifetime (hopefully not), I will embrace it. I will not feel sorry for myself, think that there is something wrong with me, or allow myself to get caught up in the expectations that society places on me. I will embrace this season for what it is...an opportunity to grow, change, and love in a deeper way.
#10 I will develop strong friendships. The biggest mistakes I have made in the past were jumping into relationships without getting to know the guy first. The best kind of marriages come from friendships (or so I'm told.) So I will develop strong friendships, not to find a husband...but to learn how to be a friend that someone can depend on, care about, and is there through all the ups and downs.
#11 I will pray. Prayer is vital to remaining content in my authentically single stage. Connecting with God, going to Him, and listening...I can't do it without that.
This isn't a post that I thought I would be writing, but I couldn't get past these thoughts today...so here it is. These 11 ways are how I choose to live Authentically Single in 2016, and for as long as God wants me to.
Last year at this time I would have been writing a completely different blog about singleness. I had just gone through a pretty traumatic break-up when the Holiday Season rolled around. It was hard, I was mourning a relationship that I had thought would end up in engagement and marriage in the next few years. I was dealing with a lot of opinions about myself that this past relationship had allowed me to believe. I was in the beginning stages of grief. For I had lost someone very close to me. Up until about a month ago I was still in the process of grieving the expectations that go along with a long-term relationship that turns into what you think is a friendship. The truth is though that there are some people that we just can't stay friends with. There are some people that we have to completely cut ties with.
In cutting those ties, we realize that string, it was in fact holding us back from freedom.
I cut the ties.
I choose to embrace who I am.
Singleness I feel like has a really bad place in our world. For a long time I agreed with those that thought it was not living out a real life to be single. Those that think that singles cannot truly make an impact on this world. Or that singles are just waiting till the day they meet their match and then they can truly be welcomed into the "bigger community" of moms, dads, husbands, and wives.
I used to think that way too. Actually up until like a month ago...then I realized what I was doing. In every move, in every chance encounter... inside my head I would ask....is he the one? Or maybe him? Should I go back to online dating, or maybe I should see if someone has a friend they can set me up with? Why? Why are those thoughts the first thoughts that come into my head?
I think it is because that is what we are programmed to think. That somehow if I am single, childless 30 something year old there must be something wrong with me. That I need to just look harder and then I will find someone. I will be complete once I find someone. I will fit in more to the social norms once I find someone. That my life will begin once I find someone.
Sure maybe people won't say these things to my face, but they think them.
So....what do I do with all of this?
How do I face these expectations head-on? I think by embracing a single life. I think by showing society that the social norms, don't have to necessarily be norms...
How do I live authentically single?
#1 I don't focus on "finding someone." Life isn't about that. Yes, God created us to desire to have someone to share our life with, but the reality is that not everyone ends up with someone. I don't need to analyze every single male I come in contact with and wonder if they have the qualities that I am looking for. I don't focus on "finding someone."
#2 I focus on myself, and what God needs to do in me right now, during this season. Obviously I am single for a reason. There are things that God needs to teach me during this stage of my life that He couldn't teach me if I was married with 2.5 kids. I need to learn things NOW, so that I am READY for whatever is to come.
#3 I don't compare myself to others. We all do it, in life we all compare. I find that living an authentically single life means I don't compare myself to anyone else, especially other single 30 something year olds. My journey is mine, it is not theirs. I am not in competition with anyone, but who I was yesterday.
#4 I take time to heal. There are some bruises and quite a bit of baggage from my previous friendships/relationships that impact how I deal with people today. I need to heal from those. I need to allow myself to feel them, and then let them go. I need to acknowledge those things in my past that could possibly affect my future. I need to break down those walls, so that when the time comes I am ready to freely love.
#5 I don't put a time limit on when I am going to "find someone." There isn't a time limit, that person is not going to just "pass me by." I can't give it a time limit, because that isn't what it is about. I am not counting down the days until I am considered an "Old Maid." I am not going to explode if I don't get married by 35. A time limit does nothing but set unrealistic expectations on everyone involved.
#6 I give myself grace. There are going to be days when I HATE being single. On those days I am going to allow myself grace. I am going to let myself grieve the relationship that I crave, and then I am going to pick myself up and keep going.
#7 I will love. I will love those around me in mighty ways. I will fill my life with people that I can spend quality time with, and I will love them no matter what. I will break down walls and love no matter what risks there might be.
#8 I will be intentional. I will take time to talk to those around me. I will make authentic community a part of my everyday. I will seek out those that might be alone, or lonely. I will intentionally connect on a deeper level with everyone I meet.
#9 I will embrace this season. No matter if this season lasts for 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, or a lifetime (hopefully not), I will embrace it. I will not feel sorry for myself, think that there is something wrong with me, or allow myself to get caught up in the expectations that society places on me. I will embrace this season for what it is...an opportunity to grow, change, and love in a deeper way.
#10 I will develop strong friendships. The biggest mistakes I have made in the past were jumping into relationships without getting to know the guy first. The best kind of marriages come from friendships (or so I'm told.) So I will develop strong friendships, not to find a husband...but to learn how to be a friend that someone can depend on, care about, and is there through all the ups and downs.
#11 I will pray. Prayer is vital to remaining content in my authentically single stage. Connecting with God, going to Him, and listening...I can't do it without that.
This isn't a post that I thought I would be writing, but I couldn't get past these thoughts today...so here it is. These 11 ways are how I choose to live Authentically Single in 2016, and for as long as God wants me to.
Monday, December 28, 2015
2016.... Intentional, Grateful, Authentic....
I am a few days early in making my 2016 resolution post, but I want to do it while my thoughts about 2016 are fresh in my mind. I really love making New Year resolutions, it is the following through with them that I am not so great at. So, this year my top resolution is to follow through with my resolutions!
I have three key words for this year: Intentional....Grateful....Authentic
I think authentic is just actually going to be my life word, but I want it to be part of who I am in everything. I haven't reached it yet, so I still have to make it part of my resolutions.
Intentional...
I want to be intentional in every single relationship I have. That means that I want to make time to hear what people are really saying. Spend quality time with them, and not just a hello here or there. I want to foster those friendships that are one-of-a-kind. I want to make deep and lasting friendships that are going to be around for awhile, and be able to make it through all the ups and downs life has to offer us. Mostly though this year I am going to be intentional with my family. I feel like they kind of get the back burner sometimes because I know that they will always be there, but we don't know what tomorrow holds. I want to make memories today. I want to get to know who they are on a deeper level. I want to intentionally spent time loving the people I am with.
Grateful...
Sometimes I get lost in wanting what others have. I get lost in wanting a husband/family of my own and that sometimes forces me to lose sight of the things that I do have that others don't. In 2016 I want to be grateful for what I have. I want to be grateful for my singleness and live it out in a way that I never have before. I want to be grateful for my friends, family, community. I want to look at everyday in a positive way and open my eyes up to all that I am blessed with. I don't want to take God's mercy for granted. I want to wake up every morning feeling blessed and living out that feeling.
Authentic...
I continue to try to live an authentic life. I continue to try to be the real me no matter who I am around, and no matter what the subject is. I feel like it is a process, and will continue to be a process as long as I live. But this year I am focusing once again on being authentic. I don't want to hide behind anything. I want to be real when I am feeling lousy. I want to be real when I have something to celebrate. I want to be authentic in conversations and not hide behind the mask or wall I so often put up.
I am excited about what God has brought me this year to focus on in 2016.
"Do not fear for I am with you: Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (or cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7
So I look to 2016, that it will be a year when I embrace where I am, who I am with, and the life that I am living as a single 34 year old female. I will live my life with love, intention, gratefulness, and authenticity. I will work to build His kingdom through His mercy and grace.
I have three key words for this year: Intentional....Grateful....Authentic
I think authentic is just actually going to be my life word, but I want it to be part of who I am in everything. I haven't reached it yet, so I still have to make it part of my resolutions.
Intentional...
I want to be intentional in every single relationship I have. That means that I want to make time to hear what people are really saying. Spend quality time with them, and not just a hello here or there. I want to foster those friendships that are one-of-a-kind. I want to make deep and lasting friendships that are going to be around for awhile, and be able to make it through all the ups and downs life has to offer us. Mostly though this year I am going to be intentional with my family. I feel like they kind of get the back burner sometimes because I know that they will always be there, but we don't know what tomorrow holds. I want to make memories today. I want to get to know who they are on a deeper level. I want to intentionally spent time loving the people I am with.
Grateful...
Sometimes I get lost in wanting what others have. I get lost in wanting a husband/family of my own and that sometimes forces me to lose sight of the things that I do have that others don't. In 2016 I want to be grateful for what I have. I want to be grateful for my singleness and live it out in a way that I never have before. I want to be grateful for my friends, family, community. I want to look at everyday in a positive way and open my eyes up to all that I am blessed with. I don't want to take God's mercy for granted. I want to wake up every morning feeling blessed and living out that feeling.
Authentic...
I continue to try to live an authentic life. I continue to try to be the real me no matter who I am around, and no matter what the subject is. I feel like it is a process, and will continue to be a process as long as I live. But this year I am focusing once again on being authentic. I don't want to hide behind anything. I want to be real when I am feeling lousy. I want to be real when I have something to celebrate. I want to be authentic in conversations and not hide behind the mask or wall I so often put up.
I am excited about what God has brought me this year to focus on in 2016.
"Do not fear for I am with you: Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (or cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but He has given us a spirit of power and of love and calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7
So I look to 2016, that it will be a year when I embrace where I am, who I am with, and the life that I am living as a single 34 year old female. I will live my life with love, intention, gratefulness, and authenticity. I will work to build His kingdom through His mercy and grace.
Authentic Mercy
Mercy....not getting what we deserve. God's mercy is all around us. Sometimes I do take God's mercy for granted, if I'm really honest...most times I take God's mercy for granted.
If it weren't for God's mercy I wouldn't be able to be here in this moment writing and living the way I am. It is kind of tough to swallow sometimes, because I know that I have rebelled against Him in ways that are pretty unimaginable. I have chosen the world and what is in the world more than God. I have tried to live life in the world and for God both at the same time.
Without God's mercy I would probably be dead, just to be honest. His mercy has brought me through so much. His mercy has kept me safe, when I was walking down the darkest path I could go. His mercy has allowed me to thrive when I should have failed. His mercy has given me a billion chances to get things right, when really I don't even deserve one. Yet, His mercy is big enough for whatever I have. His mercy has no limits, His mercy has no requirements. His mercy is within my grasp if I just allow it to cover me.
Why would I not just allow God's mercy to cover me? Why do I continue to allow those past sins, (or even present sins) to plague my mind and create in me something that wants to harm me? Why do I allow those words that I have spoken or others have spoken about me to hold more value than God's mercy?
That's not what God's mercy is about. Authentic mercy means that it covers all of me. I do not have to continue to look backwards, and try to make things different. I do not have to continue to live in my guilt and pain. I am free because Jesus absorbed all of that wrath and sin. He took it.
THAT IS MERCY.
The longer I live in the past, and focus on how horrible my choices have been, then the more I am refusing to live in the joy that comes from accepting God's mercy. The longer I live without gratefulness, humility and tenderness.
I don't want to live a bitter, angry life. I have seen what bitterness and anger can do to a person (what it sometimes does to me). It isn't beautiful, it isn't a reflection of who Jesus is.
I choose Mercy. I choose to authentically live in the Mercy that God gives me. To be grateful, humble and tender towards Him and His Creation.
Authentic Mercy....
If it weren't for God's mercy I wouldn't be able to be here in this moment writing and living the way I am. It is kind of tough to swallow sometimes, because I know that I have rebelled against Him in ways that are pretty unimaginable. I have chosen the world and what is in the world more than God. I have tried to live life in the world and for God both at the same time.
Without God's mercy I would probably be dead, just to be honest. His mercy has brought me through so much. His mercy has kept me safe, when I was walking down the darkest path I could go. His mercy has allowed me to thrive when I should have failed. His mercy has given me a billion chances to get things right, when really I don't even deserve one. Yet, His mercy is big enough for whatever I have. His mercy has no limits, His mercy has no requirements. His mercy is within my grasp if I just allow it to cover me.
Why would I not just allow God's mercy to cover me? Why do I continue to allow those past sins, (or even present sins) to plague my mind and create in me something that wants to harm me? Why do I allow those words that I have spoken or others have spoken about me to hold more value than God's mercy?
That's not what God's mercy is about. Authentic mercy means that it covers all of me. I do not have to continue to look backwards, and try to make things different. I do not have to continue to live in my guilt and pain. I am free because Jesus absorbed all of that wrath and sin. He took it.
THAT IS MERCY.
The longer I live in the past, and focus on how horrible my choices have been, then the more I am refusing to live in the joy that comes from accepting God's mercy. The longer I live without gratefulness, humility and tenderness.
I don't want to live a bitter, angry life. I have seen what bitterness and anger can do to a person (what it sometimes does to me). It isn't beautiful, it isn't a reflection of who Jesus is.
I choose Mercy. I choose to authentically live in the Mercy that God gives me. To be grateful, humble and tender towards Him and His Creation.
Authentic Mercy....
Christmas...2015
This year I kept seeing people post about how they didn't feel in the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure if it was the 60 degree weather we were experiencing or if it was just because Christmas came so quickly this year? I'm not sure exactly what it was, but every time I heard it I felt myself get cringe. I love Christmas and I am a person that doesn't need cold weather for it to feel like Christmas. Mostly because I've lived in places where Christmas happens during 100 degree weather.
This year though something felt different in myself. I think it first occurred when I was talking to my friend and she mentioned that their focus with their 2 year old has been on Jesus and not presents. I know...crazy, right? Then in just talking with my family I realized how much focus we put on presents, not intentionally but just that is what Christmas has become. Yet, I feel like along the way I even lost the reason behind why I give presents in the first place.
Presents are a symbol of God's love for us, aren't they? Isn't that what we are doing, going beyond ourselves and giving to show our love to those around us, just like He showed His love to us by sending His son? Yet, is that really what it has become? I got an email everyday from stores that I have given my email to...EVERYDAY with new deals. It made it really hard for me to focus on Jesus and not on buying things.
What if our focus authentically became Jesus. What would that look like? How would that change the way we give gifts, the order we celebrate Christmas in, and the joy we find in Christmas? What if our Christmas celebration was less about consumerism and more about finding the joy that comes from God, instead of joy from having things?
Something to think about...
This year though something felt different in myself. I think it first occurred when I was talking to my friend and she mentioned that their focus with their 2 year old has been on Jesus and not presents. I know...crazy, right? Then in just talking with my family I realized how much focus we put on presents, not intentionally but just that is what Christmas has become. Yet, I feel like along the way I even lost the reason behind why I give presents in the first place.
Presents are a symbol of God's love for us, aren't they? Isn't that what we are doing, going beyond ourselves and giving to show our love to those around us, just like He showed His love to us by sending His son? Yet, is that really what it has become? I got an email everyday from stores that I have given my email to...EVERYDAY with new deals. It made it really hard for me to focus on Jesus and not on buying things.
What if our focus authentically became Jesus. What would that look like? How would that change the way we give gifts, the order we celebrate Christmas in, and the joy we find in Christmas? What if our Christmas celebration was less about consumerism and more about finding the joy that comes from God, instead of joy from having things?
Something to think about...
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Judgement
I have a really hard time with the word judgement. Especially among Christians. I just feel like as Christians we are so quick to use this word to point out the flaws in others, instead of focusing on what isn't Christ-like in ourselves.
For instance I pretty much on a daily basis have to ask myself if I have authentically loved everyone I have come in contact with that day. Most of the time the answer is no because I am too busy judging this or that. I am too busy thinking about all the tasks I have to get done to have a genuine conversation with someone where I actually stop and really listen to them instead of just waiting for my turn to speak.
On a daily basis I have to keep my ego in check as well. It is easy to see all the things that I have done in my life, and what I am currently doing and think that I am pretty amazing. The truth though is that the amazing part is that God is choosing and has chosen to give me the gifts and talents to do everything that I have done in my short 34 years. Instead of coming across humbly though, I oftentimes come across as the most amazing person in the world. It is also super easy for me to see when others are being egocentric and point that out in them, instead of asking myself if I need to change first.
I find myself at a loss when I hear stories of people that have left the church because someone has said something to them about the way they were choosing to live their life. It hurts me to my core to think that followers of Jesus would be anything but loving and kind when approaching those around them. I guess that it hurts me because I have walked in their shoes. I know what it is like to choose things that aren't of God. I know what it is like to have someone look me in the eyes and judge me when they didn't know the whole story.
I will never claim perfection, because I will never be perfect except through Christ. I want those around me to see Jesus' love when they look at me, when they speak with me, and when they interact with me. I want them to know that He is there, we can come to Him with ANYTHING and he will not forsake us. He doesn't leave me to fend for myself. He keeps seeking me. He keeps pursuing me, until I am completely His.
I find myself hoping that I have moments in everyday to share His love and what He has brought me through. Sometimes the sin in my life is pretty overwhelming, but I am thankful to have people that I know will stand by me, help pick me up, and be there to point me in a loving way to Him when I do.
Our God isn't a God of condemnation, and judgment. He is a God of mercy, grace, and love. We need to first be like Jesus ourselves before we can ask anyone else to.
For instance I pretty much on a daily basis have to ask myself if I have authentically loved everyone I have come in contact with that day. Most of the time the answer is no because I am too busy judging this or that. I am too busy thinking about all the tasks I have to get done to have a genuine conversation with someone where I actually stop and really listen to them instead of just waiting for my turn to speak.
On a daily basis I have to keep my ego in check as well. It is easy to see all the things that I have done in my life, and what I am currently doing and think that I am pretty amazing. The truth though is that the amazing part is that God is choosing and has chosen to give me the gifts and talents to do everything that I have done in my short 34 years. Instead of coming across humbly though, I oftentimes come across as the most amazing person in the world. It is also super easy for me to see when others are being egocentric and point that out in them, instead of asking myself if I need to change first.
I find myself at a loss when I hear stories of people that have left the church because someone has said something to them about the way they were choosing to live their life. It hurts me to my core to think that followers of Jesus would be anything but loving and kind when approaching those around them. I guess that it hurts me because I have walked in their shoes. I know what it is like to choose things that aren't of God. I know what it is like to have someone look me in the eyes and judge me when they didn't know the whole story.
I will never claim perfection, because I will never be perfect except through Christ. I want those around me to see Jesus' love when they look at me, when they speak with me, and when they interact with me. I want them to know that He is there, we can come to Him with ANYTHING and he will not forsake us. He doesn't leave me to fend for myself. He keeps seeking me. He keeps pursuing me, until I am completely His.
I find myself hoping that I have moments in everyday to share His love and what He has brought me through. Sometimes the sin in my life is pretty overwhelming, but I am thankful to have people that I know will stand by me, help pick me up, and be there to point me in a loving way to Him when I do.
Our God isn't a God of condemnation, and judgment. He is a God of mercy, grace, and love. We need to first be like Jesus ourselves before we can ask anyone else to.
Leaving the Dead Things Behind
Yesterday I went on a walk to clear my head, and ponder over some tough things that have happened in the past couple of weeks. I did not intend to walk as far as I did, but it felt so good. Sometimes the best thing we can do is turn everything off, and go somewhere outside and just breathe in some clean air and listen for God's voice.
As I walked some things became pretty clear in my mind.
We are in the middle of the season of dead things. As I walked along the trail yesterday and looked out at the expanse of all that was before me I realized that just like the seasons, we have seasons in our lives, pretty much constantly. God is constantly bringing us through death and regrowth. Whether it is something that he needs us to do better (like loving those that aren't making right choices), or getting rid of people in our lives that are only causing us hurt, pain, and manipulation. He wants us to get rid of those things in our life that aren't growing.
Getting rid of dead things is kind of a painful process. I feel like it is the end of letting something go. When it finally dies, we have to decide whether we will pick it up and throw it away, or keep letting it rot inside of us, destroying everything good that is in us, too.
We can keep the memories, the good things...but we have to completely get rid of the dead.
Growth can't happen if all the pain, hurt, sadness, and sorrow is constantly being held on to.
So, as I walked I gave up the things that I was holding on to. The expectations of someone who clearly does not want to love or be loved. The words that were said that have the possibility of tearing me down, and ruining everything that I have worked on becoming over the past year. I gave up the relationship and the things about the relationship that were truly not of God.
I left behind the control that person had over me. He no longer gets to determine my worth. It is not found in him. His words have no value on who I am as a person or as a creation of the living God.
I leave behind those things....and I look forward to the growth of hope for the future.
As I walked some things became pretty clear in my mind.
We are in the middle of the season of dead things. As I walked along the trail yesterday and looked out at the expanse of all that was before me I realized that just like the seasons, we have seasons in our lives, pretty much constantly. God is constantly bringing us through death and regrowth. Whether it is something that he needs us to do better (like loving those that aren't making right choices), or getting rid of people in our lives that are only causing us hurt, pain, and manipulation. He wants us to get rid of those things in our life that aren't growing.
Getting rid of dead things is kind of a painful process. I feel like it is the end of letting something go. When it finally dies, we have to decide whether we will pick it up and throw it away, or keep letting it rot inside of us, destroying everything good that is in us, too.
We can keep the memories, the good things...but we have to completely get rid of the dead.
Growth can't happen if all the pain, hurt, sadness, and sorrow is constantly being held on to.
I left behind the control that person had over me. He no longer gets to determine my worth. It is not found in him. His words have no value on who I am as a person or as a creation of the living God.
I leave behind those things....and I look forward to the growth of hope for the future.
Sunday, December 20, 2015
Authentically living with Hope...
It always surprises me when conversations, things I read and sermons all revolve around the same theme. I am not sure why it surprises me, because it shouldn't. I shouldn't be surprised that the God of the universe cares enough about me to hit me over the head with the same message over and over again.
The past couple of weeks the word that keeps playing through my mind is the word HOPE. Today as I was sitting listening to the sermon I realized that my hope has been wavering. I find myself just lost in the fact that I know that God is good, and has good purposes...but I have lost the hope that he will answer certain prayers that I have. I have seemed to have become Herod in some issues of my heart and thought life. Allowing myself to crave the things of Herod instead of the things of Jesus.
We all have ugly things in our lives, past things, present things, and future things. Sometimes I feel like I get lost in the ugliness of the things that I just can't seem to let go of. I give in to them over and over again and I don't trust that God can help me get out. You know the things...those things that we struggle with that we are too embarrassed to admit to, or those things that if we actually said them out loud then it would be admitting that we really don't have control over anything.
I have found myself over the past few weeks, months, and years getting caught in a trap. The trap that I must focus on not being alone. Whether that means trying the latest dating site, dating someone that I know has no desire to follow God, or filling my time with meaningless activities just so I will not feel alone. My hope became complete in those people, things, and that time instead of being complete in Jesus. My focus became hoping in the future, instead of loving and living in the present. My hope became a hope for this world and the things of it, instead of a hope found in Him.
Today I had to ask myself "Who is King in my life, and what does my heart crave?" Do my thoughts throughout the day revolve around Jesus, or do I get lost in the kingdom of self-interest that oftentimes drives Jesus and hope away?
Hope in Jesus isn't easy, and sometimes it is pretty painful, because it takes waiting. In fact I think it takes a lot of waiting. It is really easy to compare to what others have and are doing and lose sight of what authentic hope truly looks like. Yet, because of a baby I can have hope, true hope, authentic hope. My doubt, fear, and uncertainty can be replaced with hope.
Do I choose to let it?
I think it is a daily, minute-by-minute choice. Asking myself, "Who is King of my life, and what does my heart crave?"
"God wants to continually add to us, to develop and enlarge us- always building on what He has already taught and built in us."
-A.B. Simpson
The past couple of weeks the word that keeps playing through my mind is the word HOPE. Today as I was sitting listening to the sermon I realized that my hope has been wavering. I find myself just lost in the fact that I know that God is good, and has good purposes...but I have lost the hope that he will answer certain prayers that I have. I have seemed to have become Herod in some issues of my heart and thought life. Allowing myself to crave the things of Herod instead of the things of Jesus.We all have ugly things in our lives, past things, present things, and future things. Sometimes I feel like I get lost in the ugliness of the things that I just can't seem to let go of. I give in to them over and over again and I don't trust that God can help me get out. You know the things...those things that we struggle with that we are too embarrassed to admit to, or those things that if we actually said them out loud then it would be admitting that we really don't have control over anything.
I have found myself over the past few weeks, months, and years getting caught in a trap. The trap that I must focus on not being alone. Whether that means trying the latest dating site, dating someone that I know has no desire to follow God, or filling my time with meaningless activities just so I will not feel alone. My hope became complete in those people, things, and that time instead of being complete in Jesus. My focus became hoping in the future, instead of loving and living in the present. My hope became a hope for this world and the things of it, instead of a hope found in Him.
Today I had to ask myself "Who is King in my life, and what does my heart crave?" Do my thoughts throughout the day revolve around Jesus, or do I get lost in the kingdom of self-interest that oftentimes drives Jesus and hope away?
Hope in Jesus isn't easy, and sometimes it is pretty painful, because it takes waiting. In fact I think it takes a lot of waiting. It is really easy to compare to what others have and are doing and lose sight of what authentic hope truly looks like. Yet, because of a baby I can have hope, true hope, authentic hope. My doubt, fear, and uncertainty can be replaced with hope.Do I choose to let it?
I think it is a daily, minute-by-minute choice. Asking myself, "Who is King of my life, and what does my heart crave?"
"God wants to continually add to us, to develop and enlarge us- always building on what He has already taught and built in us."
-A.B. Simpson
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Authentically Letting Go...
My heart is pretty broken this morning. Mostly because I absolutely hate losing people. Sure I have moved away and lost touch with people, but it is not the same as having to completely just let go of someone out of my life, cut them off and know that there is probably not a chance that I will talk to them again. It breaks my heart. It hurts me in the deepest, rawest part of who I am, because it makes me feel like I failed.
This person has a way of making me feel guilty and manipulating me into taking on responsibility that honestly I know is not my mess to take on. I shouldn't let him speak lies to my heart, hidden as truths. I shouldn't allow his words to impact the amazing things that are happening in my life, yet I have and in this current moment I am.
Mostly I think it is because this person knows me. Although he knows the bitter, angry, sometimes unloving version of me, because when I am around him I am the absolute worst version of myself. I have known this for awhile, and I still allowed him to be a huge part of my life, even though we have absolutely nothing in common. Even though we literally were never good for each other. I allowed him to use and manipulate me because I wanted to be important to someone.
The truth is that you can't really be important to someone who has no idea of purpose for themselves. They can't see past their own needs and wants in order to actually connect with you on anything but a physical level. They are always searching for acknowledgement/love from people when really they should be getting it from God.
This letting go process started for me about a year ago, but I don't know that I truly understood how or why I had to completely let go until last night. Sometimes when you care about someone you have to just let them go. You have to say to your head and heart that the best thing for both of you is no contact at all. It doesn't make me a horrible person, but I have to take care of me. I have to be the best version of myself. I have to allow him to do life in whatever way that means for him.
The truth is that I can't change anyone but me. As much as I would like to, I just can't.
So today I let go, I give up all the expectations that I had for this person. I pray that someday he finds what he is searching for. I pray that someday he realizes the purposes for which he was created. I pray and I grieve. I grieve for a friendship/relationship that meant a lot to me. I grieve for the moments that will never come, and I grieve for the loss that I feel in my brokenness.
I am authentically letting go....
This person has a way of making me feel guilty and manipulating me into taking on responsibility that honestly I know is not my mess to take on. I shouldn't let him speak lies to my heart, hidden as truths. I shouldn't allow his words to impact the amazing things that are happening in my life, yet I have and in this current moment I am.
Mostly I think it is because this person knows me. Although he knows the bitter, angry, sometimes unloving version of me, because when I am around him I am the absolute worst version of myself. I have known this for awhile, and I still allowed him to be a huge part of my life, even though we have absolutely nothing in common. Even though we literally were never good for each other. I allowed him to use and manipulate me because I wanted to be important to someone.
The truth is that you can't really be important to someone who has no idea of purpose for themselves. They can't see past their own needs and wants in order to actually connect with you on anything but a physical level. They are always searching for acknowledgement/love from people when really they should be getting it from God.
This letting go process started for me about a year ago, but I don't know that I truly understood how or why I had to completely let go until last night. Sometimes when you care about someone you have to just let them go. You have to say to your head and heart that the best thing for both of you is no contact at all. It doesn't make me a horrible person, but I have to take care of me. I have to be the best version of myself. I have to allow him to do life in whatever way that means for him.
The truth is that I can't change anyone but me. As much as I would like to, I just can't.
So today I let go, I give up all the expectations that I had for this person. I pray that someday he finds what he is searching for. I pray that someday he realizes the purposes for which he was created. I pray and I grieve. I grieve for a friendship/relationship that meant a lot to me. I grieve for the moments that will never come, and I grieve for the loss that I feel in my brokenness.
I am authentically letting go....
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Authentic Contentment
Contentment has been coming to my mind a lot lately, especially this past week. I found myself wanting to just pack up and move, not because I wasn't content...but because I was beginning to be truly content and it scares me. It scares me to settle in this place, and not be looking for another job, and country to hop to. It scares me to build roots and attachments, because the more I allow people in, the more vulnerable I am and the more opportunities I have of getting hurt.
This week I wanted to run. I wanted to run away because I didn't want to feel pain, rejection and sadness. I didn't want to get too close, and risk losing what has been so generously given to me over the past few months. I wanted to cut the ties, before they cut me.
I heard it though....that still, quiet voice say... "No"
I knew that if I started looking for somewhere else to be, and something else to do, I would be going against what I should be doing right now. This is the first time in my life when I so clearly hear and know that I need to stay. This is the first time in my life I have been able to be intentional with people. God's love is truly overflowing out of me, and I want to be there for people. I want to get to know them, I want to hear their stories. I want to live authentic lives together. For the first time I am able to say yes to community, and no to my fear of rejection.
In these moments I realize that contentment isn't settling for less than what you want. Contentment doesn't mean that you go around with a fake smile on your face and pretend that everything is okay. Contentment means recognizing when prayer is being answered. Recognizing that there are good things in your life, and living in the moment with those people, loving what is happening right now.
Contentment sometimes means asking God why. Contentment sometimes means that you cry, scream, and recognize that life isn't fair. Contentment sometimes still questions, analyzes, and rejects what you don't necessarily want.
I don't know that I believe in being content all the time. I don't think that my God created me to just sit around and pretend to be happy when I am not. He created me to be an individual, compassionate adventurer, that desires to have people, especially someone to share my life with. Being content doesn't mean that I stop hoping, praying, and seeking out opportunities for that to happen.
I think being authentically content means looking around and recognizing the good that is in my life. Looking around and seeing that He has filled me up with people that love me, value me, and won't let me walk away without a fight. That is what being content means. Opening my eyes to see what He has given me, and living in the moment intentionally connecting with people on a real, authentic personal level.
I will no longer settle for mediocre contentment, because there is more to my life then just living from day to day. There are things that I need to see, to do, and to experience. Mediocre contentment is happy just impacting only a few lives everyday. Authentic contentment wants to change the world, because authentic contentment means admitting when you aren't content and doing something to change it.
This week I wanted to run. I wanted to run away because I didn't want to feel pain, rejection and sadness. I didn't want to get too close, and risk losing what has been so generously given to me over the past few months. I wanted to cut the ties, before they cut me.
I heard it though....that still, quiet voice say... "No"
I knew that if I started looking for somewhere else to be, and something else to do, I would be going against what I should be doing right now. This is the first time in my life when I so clearly hear and know that I need to stay. This is the first time in my life I have been able to be intentional with people. God's love is truly overflowing out of me, and I want to be there for people. I want to get to know them, I want to hear their stories. I want to live authentic lives together. For the first time I am able to say yes to community, and no to my fear of rejection.
In these moments I realize that contentment isn't settling for less than what you want. Contentment doesn't mean that you go around with a fake smile on your face and pretend that everything is okay. Contentment means recognizing when prayer is being answered. Recognizing that there are good things in your life, and living in the moment with those people, loving what is happening right now.
Contentment sometimes means asking God why. Contentment sometimes means that you cry, scream, and recognize that life isn't fair. Contentment sometimes still questions, analyzes, and rejects what you don't necessarily want.
I don't know that I believe in being content all the time. I don't think that my God created me to just sit around and pretend to be happy when I am not. He created me to be an individual, compassionate adventurer, that desires to have people, especially someone to share my life with. Being content doesn't mean that I stop hoping, praying, and seeking out opportunities for that to happen.
I think being authentically content means looking around and recognizing the good that is in my life. Looking around and seeing that He has filled me up with people that love me, value me, and won't let me walk away without a fight. That is what being content means. Opening my eyes to see what He has given me, and living in the moment intentionally connecting with people on a real, authentic personal level.
I will no longer settle for mediocre contentment, because there is more to my life then just living from day to day. There are things that I need to see, to do, and to experience. Mediocre contentment is happy just impacting only a few lives everyday. Authentic contentment wants to change the world, because authentic contentment means admitting when you aren't content and doing something to change it.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Trust...
I feel like I write about trust a lot, because it is one of my biggest areas of struggle. Mostly because I have allowed people into my heart and my life that have hurt me a lot. I know this is a common theme in a lot of people's hearts and lives, I know I am not alone in my struggle. I know that in the deepest part of my soul I trust God with my whole heart, my whole being...but there are moments in time when I just forget to trust Him with everything.
I want to run ahead and scream I got it, I got it! All the while God is standing back staring at me the way I do my students sometimes when they jump out of their seat raising their hands wanting to answer a question I haven't even asked yet.
In those moments I don't trust God. In those moments I am wanting the control for myself. In those moments I forget what He has gotten me through before. I forget that He is faithful, and He has all the answers. I don't like to wait, I never have, because waiting means that I don't get what I want, when I want it. That's not fun, and sometimes in my human weakness it doesn't really seem fair either. I know that in those moments of waiting and trusting He is teaching me the most.
Sometimes in those moments I have the hardest time finding who I am in Him. I question everything that I have said or haven't said. I put myself down, and make a list of 20 million things that I am just not good at, or 20 million things that others are better at or ways they are more beautiful than me. In those moments I lose sight of Him, and I am focusing on me.
In reality it is not about the control that I want to maintain in my life, it is not about whether or not I said or did the right thing at the time. In reality it is about finding my beauty and strength in trusting that He is completely in control. Trusting that I can't mess up His plans for my life.
Isn't that what control and trust is truly about? Not wanting to mess it all up. Not wanting to make the biggest mistake of your life and lose the good things that He has planned.
I can't possibly know what He has in store. There is no way for me to know. I can pray, I can trust, and I can try to stop running ahead just to get those answers, when the questions haven't even been revealed yet. I find though that it is a moment-by-moment process. I can't ignore my head and my heart, but I also have to know that God is a God of love, grace and mercy. He knows my desires, He knows my heart, and He knows my struggles.
My trust has to be at the center of who I am, because at the center of that trust is a Savior that allows His love to shine through. Without that, I am lost. Without that I am fighting against something that I don't want to be fighting against. Without that Savior, I have nothing to even be in control over.
Today I put my trust in Him. I say once again that my life is His. That I believe that He has good plans for the future, and I have to trust that He is in control. I have to trust that I can't mess it up with my messy, selfishness. I have to trust that in His eyes I am worthy, loved and valued. I have to trust that in time what He wants will be revealed, but only in His time. I have to believe that He is bigger than all my sins, because after all, isn't that what trust really is?
I want to run ahead and scream I got it, I got it! All the while God is standing back staring at me the way I do my students sometimes when they jump out of their seat raising their hands wanting to answer a question I haven't even asked yet.
In those moments I don't trust God. In those moments I am wanting the control for myself. In those moments I forget what He has gotten me through before. I forget that He is faithful, and He has all the answers. I don't like to wait, I never have, because waiting means that I don't get what I want, when I want it. That's not fun, and sometimes in my human weakness it doesn't really seem fair either. I know that in those moments of waiting and trusting He is teaching me the most.
Sometimes in those moments I have the hardest time finding who I am in Him. I question everything that I have said or haven't said. I put myself down, and make a list of 20 million things that I am just not good at, or 20 million things that others are better at or ways they are more beautiful than me. In those moments I lose sight of Him, and I am focusing on me.
In reality it is not about the control that I want to maintain in my life, it is not about whether or not I said or did the right thing at the time. In reality it is about finding my beauty and strength in trusting that He is completely in control. Trusting that I can't mess up His plans for my life.
Isn't that what control and trust is truly about? Not wanting to mess it all up. Not wanting to make the biggest mistake of your life and lose the good things that He has planned.
I can't possibly know what He has in store. There is no way for me to know. I can pray, I can trust, and I can try to stop running ahead just to get those answers, when the questions haven't even been revealed yet. I find though that it is a moment-by-moment process. I can't ignore my head and my heart, but I also have to know that God is a God of love, grace and mercy. He knows my desires, He knows my heart, and He knows my struggles.
My trust has to be at the center of who I am, because at the center of that trust is a Savior that allows His love to shine through. Without that, I am lost. Without that I am fighting against something that I don't want to be fighting against. Without that Savior, I have nothing to even be in control over.
Today I put my trust in Him. I say once again that my life is His. That I believe that He has good plans for the future, and I have to trust that He is in control. I have to trust that I can't mess it up with my messy, selfishness. I have to trust that in His eyes I am worthy, loved and valued. I have to trust that in time what He wants will be revealed, but only in His time. I have to believe that He is bigger than all my sins, because after all, isn't that what trust really is?
Sunday, December 6, 2015
In the Stillness
We set our self up for so much hurt and pain when we are not able to sit still in the quiet. When we are so busy moving from place to place that we don't have time to just be still and ponder the things that we feel deep inside our soul.
Today my heart is a little bit broken and a little bit sad, but in the stillness and quiet I am able to know that I will not always feel this way. I know that this is just a little bit of time in the grand scheme of life. I know that it is drawing me in to a deeper longing for Jesus.
I had to stop and ask myself this question today while listening to the sermon:
Do I want Jesus, or just what He can give me?
Is my life about Jesus, and getting to know Him in the depths of who I am? Or is it just what I get from knowing Him? Or is it just what I get period?
In my brokenness I know that my selfishness has allowed me to, at times want Him because of what He gives me.
Sometimes the choices I have made make me wonder how very differently my life might have been, but I can't live in the past and I can't allow the past to dictate my future.
I am only responsible for me. As much as I would like others to be able to meet my expectations, they don't. Sometimes that leads to my own hurt and pain. Sometimes it leads to reliving some of my past brokenness, which creates new brokenness. Sometimes though it is a way that God allows me to meet him in the stillness and quiet and just breathe in who He is as a Savior, as a Friend.
I can't stop my heart from feeling, I can't stop my head from analyzing....but I can know the truth of who I am in the depths of my soul. I can know that I am worthy. I can know that it is enough to just know Jesus. That is enough. That is more than enough to focus my life on. It has to be enough, because at the end of the day in the stillness and quiet....it is the knowledge of His unfailing love, and sacrifice that move me to repentance and acceptance of who I am and meant to be.
Today my heart is a little bit broken and a little bit sad, but in the stillness and quiet I am able to know that I will not always feel this way. I know that this is just a little bit of time in the grand scheme of life. I know that it is drawing me in to a deeper longing for Jesus.
I had to stop and ask myself this question today while listening to the sermon:
Do I want Jesus, or just what He can give me?
Is my life about Jesus, and getting to know Him in the depths of who I am? Or is it just what I get from knowing Him? Or is it just what I get period?
In my brokenness I know that my selfishness has allowed me to, at times want Him because of what He gives me.
Sometimes the choices I have made make me wonder how very differently my life might have been, but I can't live in the past and I can't allow the past to dictate my future.
I am only responsible for me. As much as I would like others to be able to meet my expectations, they don't. Sometimes that leads to my own hurt and pain. Sometimes it leads to reliving some of my past brokenness, which creates new brokenness. Sometimes though it is a way that God allows me to meet him in the stillness and quiet and just breathe in who He is as a Savior, as a Friend.
I can't stop my heart from feeling, I can't stop my head from analyzing....but I can know the truth of who I am in the depths of my soul. I can know that I am worthy. I can know that it is enough to just know Jesus. That is enough. That is more than enough to focus my life on. It has to be enough, because at the end of the day in the stillness and quiet....it is the knowledge of His unfailing love, and sacrifice that move me to repentance and acceptance of who I am and meant to be.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Authentically Sovereign
The world is such a harsh place. As I watched the new unfold yesterday my heart broke. My heart broke for the people that this tragedy is going to affect for years to come. To be gunned down in the middle of a Christmas Celebration, people who give their lives to help those with disabilities on a daily basis.
Why?
It is times like these when I have the hardest time trusting that God is sovereign. I know He is. I know that there will be good things that come out of this tragedy, but I just can't stomach all the hurt and pain that it is going to cause in the meantime.
My heart hurts for our country.
My heart hurts for those that believe the only way to make a difference is by killing.
My heart hurts for a world in which violence seems to be the only answer to problems, and differences.
Hate is driving too many people in this world. Hate for those that do not look like you. Hate for those that do not believe the same things you do. Hate for those that live in a different area of the world. Hate for those that resemble people that have done horrific crimes. So much hate....
I can't handle it. I can't physically watch another news report where hate is driving us farther and farther from love, each other and truth.
Today I realized though that I am not supposed to be able to handle it. I am not supposed to just ignore it. I need it to affect me, I need it to reach down in my soul and make me want to change the world.
For as a person who loves Jesus.....am I not called to action. If I sit around just browsing my newsfeed.....that's doing nothing to change this place.
So...I pray, I ponder, and I love. I don't hate, I don't judge, and I don't give up.
For God's love is bigger than me...and He is Sovereign.
Why?
It is times like these when I have the hardest time trusting that God is sovereign. I know He is. I know that there will be good things that come out of this tragedy, but I just can't stomach all the hurt and pain that it is going to cause in the meantime.
My heart hurts for our country.
My heart hurts for those that believe the only way to make a difference is by killing.
My heart hurts for a world in which violence seems to be the only answer to problems, and differences.
Hate is driving too many people in this world. Hate for those that do not look like you. Hate for those that do not believe the same things you do. Hate for those that live in a different area of the world. Hate for those that resemble people that have done horrific crimes. So much hate....
I can't handle it. I can't physically watch another news report where hate is driving us farther and farther from love, each other and truth.
Today I realized though that I am not supposed to be able to handle it. I am not supposed to just ignore it. I need it to affect me, I need it to reach down in my soul and make me want to change the world.
For as a person who loves Jesus.....am I not called to action. If I sit around just browsing my newsfeed.....that's doing nothing to change this place.
So...I pray, I ponder, and I love. I don't hate, I don't judge, and I don't give up.
For God's love is bigger than me...and He is Sovereign.
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